We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park.
Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you.
You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection.
We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you by instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I.
If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them.
We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and tastes, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. In our world, we can never be washed away.
Wash the Narcissist Away – The Triple Addiction Package
Wash the Narcissist Away – How to Stop the Hoovers
44 thoughts on “Closure Denied”
Has anyone hear left an anonymous typed letter on their narcs doorstep when they are not home to gain closure ? Just curious if you thought the endeavour was worth it… or not. Asking for a friend
Breach of no contact, should not be done.
1. You will provide fuel.
2. You will suffer an adverse consequence.
3. You will increase your emotional thinking.
No contact means having NOTHING to do with the narcissist.
Yes but… I am wanting to break it (that’s just me being honest about where I’m at). And I don’t know what the best approach is. I understand I shouldn’t be trying to get advice about this. I also understand it’s not in my best interest. Much the same way a meth user may be cognitively aware their actions are no good.
I suppose I don’t want to suffer an adverse consequence. But I’m tired of thinking about this all the time. I just want to rip the bandaid off and do it already.
You will solve nothing by writing to him, you will make it worse.
Well so far I’ve only resorted to writing about it here. So… clearly I’m all talk no action. But I have written a draft !
Write it, burn it in the sink, then flush the ashes into the toilet. Do it with a friend, then go have a fabulous dinner.
Here’s my two cents for what they’re worth:
I think you’re being conned by your ET into thinking it will provide closure. You will likely just switch to wondering if he read it, what was the reaction, did it have any effect, you will feel bad, or think of something you wished you’d have added – it never ends. It might also subsequently cause a hoover, which in theory and logic you don’t want (but emotionally you do want that hit). Far from closure – you will be further behind than when you started. He doesn’t need closure and you won’t get it.
You can always post your Letter to the Narcissist here to get it out.
Feeling frustrated I suppose.
I am cognitively aware what the “right” answer is here. And I do recongnize I’ve hit a major set back in the last 6 months or so.
But my desire to see him again is stronger. I need companionship. And as I said the other day the thought of meeting someone new is exhausting. And will likely end the same way as going back to the narc would. At least this way I’m going back to something familiar.
Anyways. At least I’m writing here and not actually doing it.
I appreciate your advice. It’s the same id give another. I’m just unfortunately not in a good head space and haven’t been for while.
Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone and that relationship will be deep and meaningful. Truthseeker and Lickemtomorrow said the same thing and look at them now together. Sometimes I have to look away.
Oh CALM DOWN. I just thought we could all use a laugh and they’re good sports. I’d have used myself and someone else for example but no one gets me that much. Except Tudor. He gets me and he’s the only one.
That’s an old joke too.
It is an old one. But a goodie.
LOL, I got it and I am a good sport so I know you will let TS and I enjoy our little (in guys terms) “bromance” 😛
It’s a momentary thing until we can achieve NFuC (still not sure what that stands for!)
Sending some love your way, NA <3
Haha ! All good. Those two are fabulous.
I believe there are other people I could share a mutual attraction with. However, I don’t really believe in the institution of “relationships”
Anymore. I think the vast majority are a waste of time.
If I may be candid… which is easy too stating things one here anonymously.
My narc was quite intimate. Fake as it may have been. I really appreciated it. My partner previous was not. So sex didnt feel like a loving act. My narc was the first man I’ve ever felt “connected too”
I could go out and find someone to scratch my primal itch with (it’s been two years…
Pretty positive I deserve a medal for this)… but it would be cold, unintimate etc.
With my narc. I know what to expect. It’s easy and comfortable. I don’t want to go out and meet some random that sounds awful. I’d rather be intimate with someone I already know. Because … other men aren’t going to treat me well either. Other men aren’t going to care about me either.
So why is it so terrible I return to something familiar ? I know
He doesn’t love me….
And neither will the random guy I meet on Tinder lol.
No Fuel Carrier if I recall correctly, but then sometimes I forget to put on pants.
“if I recall correctly, but then sometimes I forget to put on pants.”
Hahah, NA 😛
Just don’t go out until you double check!
I thought it might mean “no follow up contact” to match the initials.
But “no fuel carrier” makes sense, too.
Aiming for the same things 🙂
E007, I have no desire for the Ns, partly because I consider them to be empty robots, and I already have a BOB.
Empath007, I hope you don’t mind if I tell you what I did, three days before finding narcsite? I sent a letter to the narc from which I wanted to break free. OK, it wasn’t anonymous or typed, but I did it in the hope of getting closure, to make myself heard, etc. Just as you want to. He returned my letter, unsealed. The fact is I was actually glad because I had written things that I would now be mortified to know he had read (he would have got plenty of positive fuel !). But the fact remains that I did not get closure that way. Even if ‘your’ narc reads it – which you will never know, even if it is ‘anonymous’, and you will not get closure that way. You will be left wondering, just like now, and it will continue to exhaust you.
I know it is extremely hard to say nothing, because we want justice to prevail, the truth to prevail, or we even think it is the decent thing to do to let them know why we want out. It is so incredibly hard to accept that they can NEVER understand or accept or recognise what we have to say, IF they so much as deign to listen or read. But it is the truth: you will get nothing from writing them anything.
To answer your question: not worth it. Harmful to you, even.
At the risk of sounding obsessed with the narc detector at the moment: have you put that person through the NC? This is how I got closure, by handing the whole story over to HG.
Well stated, Fiddleress
Edit: He returned my letter *unopened*
I’m beginning to accept the fact that there is nothing that will ever provide closure for me. I’m
Just going to have to suck it up…
And deal with it.
Thanks for your kind words. And for the warning. I know everyone giving me advice is right and I need to trust that I made the right decision to walk away. And that even if no one ever looks my way again… that doesn’t mean I need to sink into an abusers arms.
We can let go. We just need to be ready to let go. I have walked away from other narcissists that rarely ever cross my mind. The memories of what happened have faded and it would take me effort to recall what was said or done. I did not receive closure with other narcs and it never bothered me before to this extent… I would usually be upset and confused for a period of time and then move forward with the next thing in my life. This one feels so unfinished though. It’s the most nagging sensation in the world. So, I suppose he wins the war on this one. At the rate I’m going I will be bound to him for life.
I listened to Swifts new song, closure, it also gave me some insight as to how the narcissist plays the victim role, and does not want the victim to try and be “friendly” as when the victim decides they don’t want the narc to have power over them anymore.. the narc clearly can not handle it. And therefore is dismissive of the closure conversation. Because they don’t want the victims to think they can have any autonomy in the situation.
If they can’t continue to abuse us. We are worthless in their eyes.
BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND!!! Trash everything or give it away or beat the shit out of a piñata or tear up a teddy bear or burn some sage and meditate to clear your chakras. Whatever it takes. Do you.
I have a little trinket box with my treasures – not quite ready to part with them yet. But, where once I walked past it and looked longingly at it, now I am viewing it with disgust. I can feel myself getting closer after a couple of recent hoover attempts which I have resisted. The more I resist, the stronger I get. This time last year he left me high and dry after an initial disengagement. Didn’t last, but I remember how devastating last Christmas was in so many ways. The year before we had shared songs and stories and so many other things. Last year he attempted a hoover during the period of disengagement a few days before Christmas, and because I didn’t know what a hoover was, I responded. It was a short lived reconnection which made things ten times worse as Christmas came and went and then so did the New Year without any further interaction. I had already decided I wasn’t chasing him. All I have to do is think back to this time last year and remember what he put me through to know I never want to go there again. And what a pathetic POS he was for putting me through it in the first place. Long live narcsite! And it will be my first very merry Tudor Christmas which helps to make up for so many of those past disappointments <3
I’m so happy we’re having our first Tudor Christmas together! 🎄 Christmas without the N is truly a blessed relief.
Awww … that’s so sweet, BC30 and thank you <3
Loving those Xmas emojis, btw x
It is a blessed relief without the N's to drag us down.
I'm so happy we're all here together, too
And Santa Tudor has already spoiled us!
Absolutely, I bought lots more, and I’m much happier here with all my fellow Tudorites!
(Shhhh…I know I shouldn’t have let a hoover get through, but it brings me such joy to know the GP with my replacement is over. 😃)
I’ll just talk very quietly to say when mine hoovered me it was an indication of the same … that made me feel good, too. Only because I needed confirmation it wouldn’t last and it hasn’t. Some other woman is in the throes of what I went through last Christmas. Not rejoicing over that, but feeling validated in the circs.
I am not an empath, nor very good at learning apparently …therefore, although it is still painful. I am able to let go.
Thank you for explaining to me once again HG. Much appreciated.
Sorry you are having to repeat yourself again.
There will never be closure once the ship has sailed with the narcissist. The money will never be returned or the possessions. Anything the narcissist leaves behind must be purged. Show no mercy. It is not as though the narcissist ever shows mercy to any of their victims.
How do I know this? Experience. I had to get rid of the last narc during the pandemic and implement no contact. It was a hard pill to swallow but it had to be done.
“Closure Denied” – it is somewhat true in some regard as to the ‘residue’ that remains after narcissistic abuse in a whole life-time. It does lessen after understanding about narcissism and why it affected me so much. ‘Mother’ started it all. The ‘dregs’ left behind are also her’s – not the ones in the intimate relationships I had in the past. Yes, ‘mother’ is long gone in person, but, hell it does ‘shape’ you, yet, it does diminish over time and it does not bother me as much now.
Knuckles-dragging-on-the-road Lesser – approaching me a few weeks ago proves that it is possibly his school that are the least to do ‘closure denied’ – the way he approached was almost insane…. I am over that experience, but that is not the point.
I am sorry you have had to endure so much abuse over the years. I cannot imagine what that must do to a person.
I hope this site along with HG’s information was and continues to help you.
Thank you for your words. A life-long friend said to me before last Xmas that she does not know of anyone else who has been through as much as I have. She & I lost “contact” cos of her marriage to a narcissist – which ‘planted the seed’ in my mind about narcissism – she started divorce proceedings after 5 weeks of ‘re-connecting’ with me. It’s hell of a story (manipulation, theft etc – no violence yet he sounds really s**t – an ex police officer!!!).
Yes, this site has helped hell of a lot & HG’s information continues to assist me. Using HG’s work is actually (in my opinion and, for me) a ‘Fast-Track’ to inner (LT & ET) therapy – cos this was much quicker than via a so-called “therapist”……
I am grateful for what I have learnt here very much. It has given me answers to many things from my past.
However, I do need to be in therapy. And have found a good online therapist, with lots of experience. They are not always easy to find.
For many therapists it’s all about the money, but with this one it’s not. He has proved this to me.
I have tried to reach out to others through the years, but they never got back to me, or they just didn’t wish to bother.
This therapist gets me books and gives me homework in between sessions, and I can contact him any time. He lowers his price so I can afford him.
I’ve not exactly made it easy for him. I am complex, and he said that I was one of the worst cases of trauma he has come across, in over the 15 years of practicing.
I need the regular stability of therapy. And I need a lot of guidance and reassurance along the way. He is also aware when I may be dissociating which is what I do a lot, or go into other parts of myself, or when I am putting up walls etc…whereas others have not been able to tell or feel confused.
HG’s services are somewhat different but still very much needed.
Everyone has to find what is right for them.
I will always have a soft spot as it were for HG though.
He is impossible to forget.
It was my romantic relationship with a narcissist that opened my eyes to narcissism, which then lead me to realizing my father, mother, and brother are narcissists. (along with other acquaintances past and present).
I have to be grateful for that relationship due to what I learned from it. He was easy to leave and left no marks or residue on me. The marks left by my family are much deeper and are also what shaped me.
I agree that learning about the disorder helped me immensely in understanding what happened to me.
Thank you for sharing. Yes, I agree – the family environment is not exactly one that a child can ‘escape’ from compared to when you are an adult. Interesting you saying about your romantic relationship no longer leaves ‘residue’ as you call it. Same here for me. To be honest, it was not just my last relationship – it was them higher-ups at work as well – what they did was to damage my ‘reputation’ and demanded that my colleagues not to have any contact with me so that I was actually ‘isolated’ from anyone I knew locally. Then covid comes along…… It was how I was treated by work narcissists that led me to KTN really. Thankfully I found my way here, found solace, freedom to be ‘me’…. I am glad I did find a new ‘path’ …… it’s calming….
I’m sorry to hear you had to deal with narcissists at work. That must have been difficult. I’m glad you found solace and freedom.
I believe what helped me in my romantic relationship was that I wasn’t particularly invested in it. It was more just a relationship for companionship and sex. He was somebody I knew from high school, so it was somewhat convenient. Although he did say he loved me, I didn’t really love him. He said he always loved me from high school, which is something written about in an article here. I believed him, though, because I did think he had a crush on me in high school, but now I know better.
He kept asking me to move in with him. I just kept ignoring the question, and I’m so glad I didn’t! There was no reason to since I didn’t really love him, and wasn’t really planning a future with him. Also, he lived in a crowded apartment complex in a one bedroom apartment that was cluttered with stuff. I live in a beautiful, spacious, clean three bedroom home on a 34 acre farm. There was no fucking way I was going to leave here for that! I would seriously have to be madly in love with somebody to leave here! I don’t see that ever happening,
Laughing – at your description of your house compared to his place – it’s obviously a no brainer! Even though I’ve been in my house 10 years, I no longer feel the same about it as I did – I suppose the way I think and see things has changed. Yes, it’s an ok place in quiet location but I would be quite happy to sell up & go.
I’m sorry your feelings changed, unless it’s heading toward a positive change.
Maybe it is time to sell and go. Move forward. I hope the new year brings whatever you wish!
Don’t be sorry. Sometimes things change for the better for a Good reason. Anyway, I had already set my ‘Prime Aims’ (RE: house etc) within couple years or so – it is not a ‘forever’ home. It’s time for change – for the better.
Yes, I agree. Embrace change and make it your own.
Change is inevitable so it’s best to accept it. This is what I try to do.
I hope a new home is in your future if that’s what you want.
Thank you – yes, it’s part of my ‘Prime Aims’ 🙂
I hope you are able to achieve your prime aims.
I do not understand, as you say in this:
“you can never let go”
Yet you are the ones that compartmentalise and you don’t even attach to us in the first place, and so it would seem you DO let go, and as soon as we are not in any of your spheres of influence we are more or less forgotten and deleted. Out of sight, out of mind…
I guess unlike you, we eventually will give YOU the precise and final cut!
But not because we necessarily want to leave you at the time, as often we are very torn inside, but because we have to. And because you give us no other choice.
We learn to make our own closure!
The empath is unable to let go as stated. The empath has to make their own closure rather than obtain it from the narcissist as explained previously repeatedly.