Ten Tells of Triangulation




Triangulation is a staple manipulative device in our arsenal. Triangulation is a convenient way to describe an affair, having a bit on the side, flirting, playing away, investing in a new prospect, having a form of distraction, a plaything and so on. The reality is that triangulation offends the principles of why two people are in a relationship and is a method of manipulation which is used to gain fuel, cause confusion and exert control.

The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object.

There may be triangles operating within triangles. Triangulation provides fuel but also allows us to generate confusion and engage in distraction tactics whereby you and the other person attack one another, failing to realise (or perhaps not wanting to be seen to realise for fear of being regarded as losing out) that is us that has caused the triangulation.

Usually you will not be aware that you are being triangulated with the other person. It is easier to keep you and the other person separated and we enjoy our time with them and then our time with you. We draw fuel from you both and neither of you know about the other.

We see no problem in behaving like this. We are never accountable; we are entitled to do as we like. We do not distinguish between you because you are just appliances to us and therefore entirely interchangeable. Before we decide to up the ante and reveal your opponent to you, thus heightening your reactions and responses, you may actually be able to ascertain that you are being triangulated as there are certain tells which exist.

These are more obvious amongst the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind as they may lack the higher function to remember things that they have done or said and occasionally slip up, thereby revealing the tell.

If you confront us with this tell we will spin some yarn, persuade you that there is nothing in it, this person is a friend, there is a glitch with the ‘phone, somebody else did it, you are imagining things, you are over-reacting and in our time-honoured fashion we will deny and deflect and even go on the attack if need be in order to protect our investment in both you and the other person. If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them.

You are only giving us a chance to draw fuel from you, confuse you and worm our way out of it. If you see these tells you now know what they mean. You are being triangulated.  Here are ten of those tells.

  1. Our mobile ‘phone will have duplicate messages. We send the same message to you and the other person, often within seconds of the first message.
  2. We will buy you a duplicate gift having already given it to you a week or so ago.
  3. We will tell you something that we have already told you before, more or less word for word.
  4. We will make reference to something you said even though you have not said it (it was the other person who said it).
  5. We will make reference to something we apparently did together which you will not remember. (This is because we did it with the other person).
  6. We will call you by someone else’s name.
  7. You may hear us say things under our breath such as “She wouldn’t do this” or “she would agree to do it”.
  8. We will fail to acknowledge you doing something for us thinking it was done by the other person, for instance a surprise gift.
  9. We will remark we don’t want to do something again even though we have never done it with you. (We did it with the other person).
  10. We will ask a question which is out of context. For instance, asking how your dad is recovering when there is nothing wrong with him. (It is of course the other person’s dad who is ill).

10 thoughts on “Ten Tells of Triangulation

  1. Pingback: Ti histrorier om triangulering - Psykopatene blant oss
  2. Jodi Lynn says:

    Can you triangulate with porn?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Jodi Lynn says:

        I read your piece on porn. It was exactly the answer! Learning a ton from you, HG!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good. You will learn everything you need with regard to narcissism and its effects from me.

          1. Jodi Lynn says:

            What is a Lesser’s definition of intimacy? What actions do they consider to be intimate?

  3. Jasmin says:

    Perhaps triangulation is the narcissists main signal? It is there in all the phases of the relationship – seduction, golden period, devaluation, respite periods and post discard/escape.
    I’m I right if think that if triangulation is the red flag that you capture, then it is enough with only one red flag? I feel that is a strong one!

  4. lickemtomorrow says:

    I have had cause to look into this more closely recently just because it has featured so large and had such a big impact in all my relationships with narcissists. I was particularly interested in its more recent use involving social media. To that end I accessed an older video of yours on YouTube, HG, which highlights some aspects of triangulation.


    Titled “Social Media Mind Games” it is well worth a watch in terms of raising awareness especially when so many people invest heavily in their relationships via social media these days.


    “Ten Ways the Narcissist Provokes You Online”, more recent, also gives a valuable insight into this phenomenon.

    I especially like the way you describe the Mid Rangers during the last couple of minutes of this one, HG.

    The majority of these “tells” are all applicable on social media.

    There are many people who will have been gaslit on social media and left questioning themselves. The fact is the narc is triangulating you using social media and is doing it deliberately to foster confusion and doubt, insecurity and anxiety. Bring your questioning to the narc and you will be brushed off as ‘crazy’, ‘insecure’ and due to the element of plausible deniability you will likely begin to believe both these things. It is validating to know that the narcissist intended you to feel jealous, designed to create insecurity in you, and is using these things to ensure continuing control. You are not going crazy, you are being manipulated, and for anyone who has been through this you need to hear/read these things so that you never need to go through them again and you can also be validated in knowing the narcissist engineered your sense of insecurity and jealousy for his own purposes. He did this to you. This happened to me. Feel free to claim the truth highlighted in this article.

    Thank you for publishing again, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  5. Asp Emp says:

    “The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object”

    This is self-explanatory. A Lesser & MRN would not necessarily ‘realise’ why they go from one source to another and one particular ‘phrase’ that was used with me was “Oh, she’s only a good friend” at the time I could not quite comprehend why they needed a “good friend” when I wrongly assumed I was the ‘good friend’ for all the support I was giving, the time, the effort etc.

    However, it is still very damaging to a person’s self-confidence, self-esteem, questioning their own ‘femininity / masculinity’, their own personality traits, their mental health, their emotional health. It can totally destroy an individual’s overall identity as a person. That happened to me. I now understand. But for some ‘vulnerable’ individuals, it can be very dangerous – hence the need to educate health professionals to recognise and know about narcissism, to be able to see the ‘signs’ of narcissistic ‘abuse’ in ‘victims’.

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