Everpresence
Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you.
It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal.
We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.
What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences?
Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?
The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories.
The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach.
The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation.
The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.
The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence.
He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”.
Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered.
The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.
The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence.
The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.
The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like.
This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck.
Whether it is instinct or calculation, it is done.
After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.
24 thoughts on “Everpresence”
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‘Everpresence’ since the day before Halloween…..
It’s very difficult when it’s our children that keep him in mind, through their looks and mannerisms. I love them but I’m fearful for them, on so many levels and that fear is always right there. And they’re a constant reminder of his involvement in my life, my failure to run from him, allowing myself to be suckered in by his wiles. They should have their father, I should have my husband, it reads, at this moment, like a huge failure. He didn’t do it on purpose, he doesn’t know what he is, so he can’t be held responsible. I didn’t know either but I still feel responsible, and guilty. It is so sad for all of us.
A Victor, I know how you feel. “Forgive them father, they know not what they do.” I’m not a religious person but I often think of that when I think about the narcissist. I feel bad for them because they truly don’t do it on purpose. They really do think they are good people.
The problem is that there actions are hurtful and they don’t care that they hurt us. Just because they don’t know they are toxic doesn’t mean we have to tolerate their toxicity. They have no empathy for us at all.
We always have to make them feel better. Who makes us feel better?
Yeah, they pretty much fk-ing suck. I had “forgiven” mine, lots of discussion over that previously. Now I’m going to have to revisit that whole thing, I honestly didn’t believe he was a narcissist. Just kicking myself a lot right now and wishing I could give him a good swift one also.
Leigh this is what really gets me. They think they are good people. I used to think how on earth can someone be so delusional to think he is a good person when he is so cruel? I know now that the narcissism blinds him. I did not understand this until now. I remember telling the narc I put up with his behavior because I had been treated like garbage since childhood so apparently I was used to it. He was genuinely confused as to why I thought he treated me like garbage! I’m thinking surely you can understand! You’re a smart guy, very smart in fact. One of the smartest people I had ever met. Yet this you can’t understand? This basic concept that if you are nasty and make a woman cry then you aren’t treating her well is beyond your comprehension? Truly eye opening to see how the narcissism really is controlling so much of their mind and actions. Scary if you ask me as it’s like they are living in a different reality than the rest of us. It’s not an excuse for their behavior but I really think their brains are just plain wired differently. Their sense of reality is different. It’s like dealing with an alien species.
Lindseymarie, you said it well, it is like dealing with an alien species. I have a Conure, when we got her I had to learn “bird-think”, it is completely different than how humans think, I keep thinking of the narcissist in the same way. But it is more difficult as they look like us, they are human. I too have thought I have been treated like garbage since I was a child and therefore am used to it, I have wondered at times why I was born, just to be someone’s punching bag, whether verbally or literally. It makes me sad to think this as I have 4 wonderful children and I would never think this about any of them, they are all of such value. And they love me, so I have value as well. But, back to the delusion the narcissists have, it is unbelievable. Mine thought he was amazing in every way. When you think that, there is no room for improvement, which in itself is a negative. So, he set out to convince me that I was the problem. Almost succeeded too, until his secrets started to unravel in ways I could no longer not look at. Anyway, I appreciate your comment very much, it makes sense and it is somehow encouraging, thank you.
A Victor, you have a purpose. Don’t let these narcissists pull you down. They aren’t worth it. They just suck the life out of you. I’ve been abused by narcissists my whole life and I know how you feel. Maybe we are here to help the next person. Maybe to help our children the way FoolMe1Time helped her daughter. So we can break the cycle, once and for all.
A Victor:
I’m sad to read that you have wondered at times why you were born. I hope you no longer feel this way. Possibly having children has given your life meaning and shown you your purpose. I believe everybody has a purpose. Even, unfortunately, narcissists. We are all part of God’s devine plan. This is my belief.
I’m sorry you were treated like garbage since you were a child. Were your parents narcissists? I also believe that the victims that survive, heal, and learn to live again are stronger than the abusers.
I had a Moluccan Cockatoo (Terra) and a Blue Front Amazon (Sweet Pea). They are both deceased now. My friend has a Conure named Kiwi. What is your bird’s name?
njfilly, that is a question that comes and goes depending on where my head and heart are at at any given moment. It mostly does not affect me any longer, just on a rough day such as yesterday was. Thankfully, I have a tendency to be like a puppy who can be scolded and become dejected one moment and bouncing with energy and happiness again the next. And, nowadays I mostly “scold” myself so even that is a choice. I agree with your assessment that we all have purpose and are part of God’s divine plan.
I have learned since being here that my mother is a narcissist and I have a lot of question about my dad as well though, if he was one, his school and cadre would likely be very different from hers. It made many things fall into place to learn this about her.
I have a black-capped conure named Olive, due to the coloration of mostly green with a bit of red on the wings. I love her. I literally picture her and I living to old age together, all by ourselves in the world, like some crazy cat lady, only with one bird, probably on a cliff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean in Maine somewhere. Haha. I also have chihuahua’s but they don’t belong to me, I only take care of them.
“Now, most days, it is a tiny bonfire, keeping me warm once again…” 🔥Love that.
Sorry, I missed reading these comments here…. AV, you saying “I have wondered at times why I was born, just to be someone’s punching bag, whether verbally or literally” – I am going to share with you here, I used to think like that myself. It showed the low self-esteem / confidence within myself. A parent should never say to their child (I was 18 when I was told this) – that I was not ‘planned’ – meaning, I was a “mistake” and I suppose that contributed to how I felt / thought for years, including never getting married & having children. I don’t regret those decisions but I’d consider marrying the right person. Don’t think like that anymore – what you are sharing on this blog will help many others in the future – so your inputs are valuable., You are winning this ‘battle’, stay strong & stay safe x
Asp Emp, thank you for your openness and your encouragement. I don’t always think this as a negative but sometimes as just a question, like I have found my purpose yet, haha, better get on with that, I’m not getting any younger. It is only on days like yesterday that it becomes a negative question. I just need to sort through some stuff, the early stages are often the most challenging for me. I am glad to have done the NDC’s, they are very valuable in understanding how different narcissists can present and as such will hopefully help me spot them quicker in the future. But I was really surprised that my ex is a narcissist, not sure why, denial for some reason, so learning that he is one is taking a bit of “getting my head around it”. I mean, I have been able to deny that some of the things that happened in our marriage were actually things that did happen. Like, I could still believe his lies about his infidelity prior to the NDC, for example. Learning he is a narcissist, and the matter of fact way that HG tells you, it was no longer deniable and I guess I didn’t want to know, even though I did want to, needed to. Even when I sent it in, I thought, “no, none of this will indicate narcissist”. Wow. I mean, with the summer narc it was evident enough for me to land here! And then, I picked up enough that when I sent my mother’s in, I already knew. But that one, my ex, I didn’t want it to be. So, it’s an adjustment. It’s accepting that I accepted abuse for much of my adult life and didn’t face the reality. It’s accepting that my children were exposed to this abuse also. It’s accepting that most of my life with him was fake. It’s accepting that even now I still want to believe him to have been better to us than he was, instead of facing the reality. I generally handle change very well, thrive on it even, so I know this will be okay at some point but in a way I feel like I’m going through the loss of him, of us, all over again. I hope it gets thoroughly resolved this time, it wasn’t able to last time, for the last 10 years, because I couldn’t make sense of it. So it is okay, and it will be better. Thanks Asp Emp, you are very encouraging to me.
Bless you, AV. We all have good days and bad days. It can be anything that triggers it – I am lucky in one respect that my house is mine and I have no “reminders” of past narcissists – anything that was passed on via family (ie mother) I don’t view the item as “it was hers” – I think I ‘numbed’ my emotions when it comes to things that she may have previously owned, I keep them because I like them, not because of the “connection” with her. It is not as easy for some people ie previously a shared house etc.
I can imagine your surprise at the realisation about your ex being a narcissist. I was surprised, but not surprised when I realised that my mother was one too.
The abuse part from family when you were a young child and then growing up with it – is very hard to come to terms with. I suppose you’d never ‘forget’ nor ‘forgive’ but I reckon it is more important to understand yourself as an individual as to who and what you are as a person.
When I first came to KTN site – I viewed relationships with narcissists as ‘fake’ too. Since then, in some ways, my ‘mindset’ has changed. Only because narcissists are human too. So, maybe view your previous relationships as ‘real’ because they were – it was just the lack of knowledge of what your ex (& mother) are as people and the lack of understanding why it “worked” sometimes and didn’t “work” at other times. Bearing in mind, the narcissists themselves are not aware of what they are, which compounds things more for all concerned.
Thank you for your words of appreciation, AV.
A Victor:
I’m glad you are no longer wondering why you were born. It makes me sad to think people feel this way.
I love the name Olive for your bird! Very fitting! I used to put Terra in my crabapple tree in my front yard and I was called the bird lady in the neighborhood. Then I bought my farm and had over 100 chickens and I was called the chicken lady. Then I had over 16 cats and I was called the cat lady! Ha ha!
I had ideals of having Terra my whole life since their life span is 80 years. When he died, at the age of 18, I was in shock. I had him since he was only a couple months old. I took his body up to my bedroom and hugged it and cried for 3 days straight never leaving my room. One of the rare occasions where I actually cried. Then I lined a box with pink chiffon, put him on top and took a photo. Then I buried him in a special place on the farm with a special stone on his grave. It makes me melancholy just thinking about it.
Meanwhile, I have had countless animals my entire life, including farm animals with countless deaths and I only cried about two other times. I don’t cry very often.
njfilly, your story about Terra made me tear up! I can’t even imagine! I have decided that Olive and I will go the same day so neither of us must live without the other ever. Not really but my daughter used to say “I have decided…” when she was small and so now, whenever there is something that we might sort of wish for but we know is actually unrealistic and unreasonable, this is what we say, it’s a fun bit of our family history. For real, my son, known as the Eagle Whisperer at the nature center where we volunteered, will take fine care of Olive if she outlives me. Funny thing though, when we got her I actually did figure my age and her lifespan!
Thank you for sharing about your animal experiences! That is so fun! I have always had various things around too and like you, only 2 that I’ve been really hit hard by at their death, both dogs. It is the reason I no longer will own a dog and do not claim the ones that live here now. My heart can’t handle that. Though I will cry about Olive but she was so cute and 25 years is a really long time so I did it anyway. And I am glad I did. You are blessed to be where you can have chickens, I really like them but have not lived where I could have them. I have been crying more since I arrived here, at KTN, than ever before, like tropical rainstorms that come up suddenly, it pours and then the sun comes out again, sometimes several times in a day. But as annoying as it can be sometimes, I think it is needed right now.
Lindseymarie, you hit the nail on the head. Their sense of reality is completely different then ours. I had a narcissist say tot me once, your perception doesn’t match my reality. Mr. Tudor says it often, that the world view of the narcissist is very different than ours.
I too, have been abused by narcissists my whole life and it felt very normal to me. I didn’t realize it until I came here that it was not normal.
My husband is terrible to me and our children and yet he truly believes that he is wonderful. He thinks he’s a good man. He thinks that I’m the one that is emotionally abusive to him because I think of him as this bad guy. He thinks, how dare I do that when clearly, he is so wonderful.
Leigh, thank you for your encouraging response. This funk I’m in will pass and I agree that we do have a purpose, maybe even to break the cycle of abuse in our family’s, that would be wonderful. I relate so much to your comment about your husband also and “I didn’t realize it until I came here that it was not normal.” I think I did realize it but didn’t know there was any way to change it. So, though HG doesn’t like the word hope, being here has given me a renewed sense of that, most days.
A Victor, it is ironic that Mr. Tudor keeps telling us that hope is a nasty 4 letter word and yet he gives us the most important kind of hope. He gives us hope that one day we will be free from these narcissists and hope that one day we will achieve zero impact. I think about so many of the other empaths that are here and who have achieved zero impact and that gives me hope too.
We will get there A Victor! We are survivors, not victims.
I give you the tools, not the hope.
Mr. Tudor, thank you for those tools. They are priceless!
Leigh, we are survivors, thank you!
Please don’t take this badly HG but hope has never completely left me, but it is renewed now, because of the tools you share with us. In this way you do allow us to once again become willing to risk hope, a belief that we can do things better going forward. Don’t worry, no one can give me hope, no one needs to, I was born with an inextinguishable pilot light for it, though growing up with my mother and then living with my ex had it down to a sputtering flicker. Now, most days, it is a tiny bonfire, keeping me warm once again, and ready to press on to a new day, to improve the wielding of my newfound tools. It for this that I thank you HG, and also the many sweet empaths I have met here.
Update: Okay, now the hope element is beginning to make sense. We cannot ever put hope into the narcissist or what we do to try to make the behavior of the narcissist what we would like. I have hope for all sorts of things but if any of them involve a narcissist, they are ill placed. I think this is what is needed here, no hope in or for them, or me if I’m involved with them. My new understanding is because of the video “The Return to the Golden Period”, it became very clear while watching that video that my efforts to make my marriage work, because I had hope, were of no use. If this is still incorrect, let me know, I’ll keep looking to clarify! Thanks!
A Victor, everything you say in your last comment, I feel too. This place has renewed my hope that I will beat this. That we all will beat this.
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