The Online Empathic Target
You are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.
On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used.
The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims.
Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be
“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”
Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,
“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”
You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required.
These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.
So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.
We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance.
Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.
So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.
- Been Hurt Before
Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.
- Loves animals
If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.
- I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating
You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?
- I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together
You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?
- Church/God/Spirituality
If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.
- Charity involvement
If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.
- I am a middle child/ I come from a large family
There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.
- I just got out of a committed relationship
So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.
- I am looking for a knight in shining armour
So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.
- I am seeking someone who is financially secure
You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.
- I am ready for a long-term relationship
You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.
- I want to be swept off my feet
Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.
- I am tired of games
Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.
- Looking for The One
More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.
- Mention of the caring professions
If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.
There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.
Time for a re-think on what you have written?
33 thoughts on “The Online Empathic Target”
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HG, you often warn us of searching online for a relationship, especially on dating apps. Often we don’t quite grasp how needy we may come across online.
Thought of you the other day when glancing at an article on lack in rawmaterial for electronics. They seem to be aware that shortage-panic attracts scammers.
“Business as usual in the electronics industry may be a while off yet, our advise would be to not panic, set realistic expectations with your suppliers, leverage relationships and don’t panic buy from un-trustworthy sources.”
HG ..I have a different experience with dating sites. I met a few friends that I can still chat with as friends and I felt I was in control. It somehow actually helped me realize I was attractive to others. With your knowledge I was able to spot a possible narc and serial dater faster. I also didn’t give any emotion or feelings to anybody. But it was very hard to believe anybody’s motive. I thought they were all liars, but I didn’t show it. I had a chip on my shoulder. Only , if they spent lots of money on me did I start to like them. Haha. Is this narcissistic ? Probably. But it seemed necessary . It can be very dangerous . I had a whole system. I knew who lived close by and didn’t waist time on chatting with people out of town etc. I don’t advice this for anyone and you don’t need to print this …I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I never told anybody where exactly I lived . I met the dates where I felt safe and comfortable and a place I knew the prices. I met close to home and I always met them there earlier . There is a chance someone could have followed me to my home . I watched carefully. I had verbal long conversation on a phone before we met also . Most very young people do not do this . I was in the past followed and I was in the distance past stalked and I was hurt by someone physically in the past all meeting at bars or real life …So I made sure I didn’t drink and nobody put anything in a drink of mine 🙁 It was a lot of work actually .
I haven’t been on dating sites for a long time, over 6 years ago. Prior to that it was on and off intermittently about 10 years ago. It was horrific and from what I have been learning on this site, so full of narcissists. I was targeted several times. I didn’t use many of the phrases listed in this article but I came across them on the dating sites. Nonetheless the games are forever being played on those sites. I think I am going to remain single for a long time. I have zero desire to be targeted by anyone else.
I think we will always be targeted. We have to deal with it. We´re Empaths, many of us are ACONS! We will always carry the wounds and scars of growing up as an ACON. Narcs will always target us, the only thing we can do is be weaponized and GOSO as soon as we “smell” Narcy 😉
Very true!
Even many years ago when I did online dating, 90 % of the people there were either married, looking for a “nice” cheat, or mostly somatic narcissists. Don´t need dating anymore but I´m an activist. There are more than enough false angels out there when it comes to political activism. Neither being left nor being right protects you from narcs, especially “our beloved” middle mid range type A false angels.
Yeah absolutely Leela. Let that be said. Very few activists are for real. At least among the ones who Tweet.
I get the feeling Alexei Navalny is real. Contagion empath? Maybe. I guess one has to assess their actions. It is hard though, as so many ppl agree with the Twitter/Facebook colourful activists.
AC, Alexei Navalny is on my narcissist bullets list! I don’t know anything about him but he’s sure cute and he looked so passionate in the photo I saw, doing a speech. I’ll look into him more, maybe he’s coming off that list. I’m starting to believe that if I find them attractive, they must be a narcissist! Haha!
Yeah, lets hope I’m not wrong as many times before. Assuming people are nice, is why we came to need the knowledge of Narcsite.
My attitude is ALL people deserve respect and tolerance, no matter how they look like, no matter what their preferences are (as long as nobody gets hurt), no matter in what they believe, we are ALL only human beings. BUT: From certain people you should just stay away. 😉
There is just no way Alexei Navalny is not a narcissist. It’s always the “nice, deep, charismatic, clever, passionate” ones. Other people just aren’t as impressive, they have no need to be. If he was an empath he would’ve died quietly in the airplane bathroom. In my humble opinion.
Thank you, I know nothing about him and will investigate further before I spend one of my spots on the list on him! I expect you are correct.
Well, I see Navalny’s wife is a narc, the same possessive monopolizing bodylanguage as Meghan Markle, described by HG.
But she also saved his life.
Whether he is I’m still not convinced.
(I don’t understand Russian or any slavic language, so I could only analyze Guardian articles, pics and a few youtube clips)
AC, having researched him a bit yesterday, my sense was that his wife is not an empath, I can’t say beyond that about her. But, thinking that, and seeing him for the first time except for one photo, I am quite curious to know HG’s assessment. I’m thinking maybe he is normal or an empath??
I see can both in my activist group. There are a lot of genuine Empaths and even Super Empaths but I also had to deal with cluster B personalities. We have diagnosed cluster B personalities, some of them are aware and in therapy. Angry Super Empaths who went Supernova because enough is enough are hardly distinguishable from narcissists and psychopaths for whom it´s all about violence and fuel.
Hard agree Leela. So difficult to determine whether a person is reacting to an outer stressor, a pressning situation, or they are actually an NPD bona fide narcissist.
But: Only us empaths care.
I guess normals would often dismiss both the narc and the empath. “Rather be safe than sorry”.
That is how normals live a more tranquil life.I guess it is in the definition of a normal to not be an activist nor Salvation Army charity helper.
I think Normals often just take the situation as it is. They adapt, say “that´s the way it is” and that´s it. While I scream “INJUSTICE!!!!!” a Normal does not bother that much about it. I think they are more focused on their own lives? The Empath wants to do something about things, no matter if it´s fighting for classical traditional values, free markets or against social injustice and environmental protection. But standig up for any of those values is of course a great opportunity for Narcs to get fuel.
I have wondered if that’s how people experiencing a Supernova would present. If that’s so, it is really helpful to know. Thank you.
It starts with a burning sensation! It´s burning RAGE at the inside! And then: Everything switches off. You forget everything around you: your life, your nearest and dearest, your moral compass, your empathy, your values – everything! Non existent! All you want is to defend yourself, to get rid of that BURNING RAGE! You´re not yourself anymore. You turn into a narcissistic psychopath (excuse me H.G. 😉 )! You feel power, you don´t fear anything, no guilt, no remorse, no empathy. There´s only the narc, your rage and you. It´s a knee-jerk reaction. Something is screaming inside: NO!! NO MORE!!! THIS IS ENOUGH!!! And then you lash out! You do what it has to be done! This can be either active- or passive-aggressive.
I am wondering if this is something that is sustained for a period of time or comes and goes rather quickly. It sounds like it could happen either way. And also the frequency of it. I feel like I had them after the second year we were married on and off for a few years and then started to become worn down, I am predominantly Standard. And then at the end I think it happened again for a sustained period. But it was different then, like I stopped supplying the fuel, I just shut him out and watched to see if he was going to get his act together. And during that time I would manipulate him on occasion, just because I was so done with his crap. It was a weird thing and even so, he still drained my bank account before he left, so he was still getting that. Maybe I’ll never know and it probably doesn’t matter anyway. I’m just curious about the Supernova. Thanks for sharing your experience with it, have others described it the way you felt it also? I don’t remember feelings so much as just being fed up.
It´s a very quick knee-jerk reaction. It can sustain over a short oder longer period of time. It´s an automatic self-protection reaction. Whenever you get abused of feel threatened or your self-esteem starts running very low, you kind of “switch off” and you feel how your inner protective shield rises up. It´s like a switch being turned on and off and with that switch certain emotions are turned on and off. Your empathy, your positive emotions, your guilt, your remorse, your moral compass, all your empathic traits are turned off because you can´t take no more! Instead comes the protective shield made of mainly defiance and pride (in my case). Instead of breaking down you get STRONGER! You rise up like phoenix from the ashes. Defiance, pride and rage take over and they COMPLETELY take over your whole psyche! Everything else is switched off! Gone! You mutate from being an empathic, loving, caring person to a “narcissistic psychopath”. You are willing to do things which you normally wouldn´t do in your normal state of mind. Your psyche just can´t take no more!
There´s just a kind of “inner shield” which prevents us from taking the manipulations and the blame. Many empaths take it and blame themselves, they cry, they break down, they stay in the abusive relationship, they hope. I as Super Emp have already a shield against exactly this! BEFORE I even can break down, defiance and pride kicks in! I have so called inner “tipping points”. Those are reached when the abuse gets bad. When one or more of those inner tipping points are reached, I have enough of that bullshit and know I must escape! I´m too proud to let myself treat like this! “I don´t deserve that, I´m too valueable, too good, too pretty, too smart, too good, there are more than enough men who would love to have me” – those were my thoughts when I escaped back then.
Let me give you an example:
Let´s say I´m with Narc X. I´m in devaluation and Narc X is withholding sex from me. The first reaction is to lash out on him, insult him, trying to manipulate, dressing sexy, flirting with other man in front of him. The next level is infidelity! I cheat for sure! That is a 100 % guarantee! And I don´t feel ANY guilt or remorse! He deserves it. I know, I have to escape because NOBODY withholds sex from me! Somebody who does, does not deserve such an elite, classy woman like me. I cheat and may even take pics and hold them under his nose. 😉 And I am PROUD of it. Before I escape I hurt Narc X has much as I can. He deserves it.
So, and now let´s compare it with me being normal. Actually, infidelity is not my cup of tea. It CAN happen and I have empathy and understanding with the people to whom it happened because there´s always a reason. We are only human beings, we make mistakes. I personally avoid it because it brings a lot of pain with it. When sex life gets a bit “washed out” it´s time for a friendly, nice and objective talk about the reasons why and it´s time to work on the relationship. 🙂
A Victor
I think I might have a recent example of the supernova position. I haven’t yet done any trait detector nor empath detector, haven’t had it budgeted yet, but I’m very curious. I recognise some co-d traits such as very often apologizing, but also that superempath trait of Stopping All Collaboration for a moment, for a day, for a month, or so.
I went to the H&M asking for sneakers for my son, something about sizes. I was clear, brief, not taking up time. No one on that floor to help so I had to call for a lady from the counter. She had an odd kindergarten teacher tone, instructed me slowly that the notes on the shoes show that they’re only availabe up to a certain size. And what I saw was what i could get, as they didn’t have anything on back storage.
I was rather tired after a long day, in a hurry, pouring rain outside. My kid’s shoe at home was broken. Just below the shoe she was pointing at, there was a much bigger size of that sort. And this is where my nova kicked in.
“Here is a size you just said there wouldn’t be in the store”
“Well, yes, it’s rather odd, there is a series for smaller children, and one for older kids”
“Ok, so that list from the other shoe you mentioned is not valid, since there are shoes here of bigger sizes”
(If I were her, I would long ago have said “Oh, you’re right, we have larger ones, let me help you look for your size”).
I didn’t give up, kept asking ‘journalist questions’ until she ran out and fetched me a pair of sneakers, just the size and colour I had asked for. Apparently there WAS a back storage room.
Yay me.
This shoestore lady did not seem like a narcissist, though.
When confronted with a narcissist in a similar situation – these days I can feel it, from all the knowledge from HG, the stare, etc – my “supernova mode” is very different.
I simply continue the conversation looking down or at the window, turning away from that person’s eyes.
I know what it feels like when people talk to me without looking me in the eyes. Of course a narcissist will not like this either. It usually helps. That narc staff or collegue will call for someone to help me or assist me themself. After all, I ask for very little. Usually the real issue is that someone is too lazy to lift their butts. Physically. And that really really gets to me. Whether my business is saving someone else, or myself.
AC, thank you, that is a different experience! I had no idea a Supernova could happen toward a random person. I know I’ve experienced that on occasion, though rarely. I always thought that was just being assertive! Maybe it’s my Super coming out for a bit. I cannot pick up if someone is a narcissist quickly and easily yet. I think if that does start to happen and I come across them in these types of situations, I will try the no eye contact thing. Unless there is a way to get away from them. Thank you for sharing this! Very interesting!
Thanks for appreciation AV.
Well, I figured my stare or threats, that’s just not me in narcissistic traits. I can’t scare anyone with that. Haven’t got those talents.
No, my strength is more avoidance, silent treatment, that stuff. Stopping eyecontact, smiling at someone else, greeting someone else. But I only do these things when really really pressed and tired.
AC and Leela, I couldn’t stare any one down or threaten effectively either. Not my strong suit. Avoidance is my biggest form of defense. I think I remember HG saying that when the narcissistic trait of pride is corrupted it can make us argumentative, that is my top trait and I did argue with my ex, at the beginning. Not sure if that was Supernova’s though, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. Thank you both for your input, it is helpful.
Everytime I read this article I blush with embarrassment as I did almost all of these. Thank goodness it was only about 2 months of my life and, though I did meet a narcissist there, he was so obvious that I shortly ended up here. Now a lot of things are coming together that had been questions all my life. I will never do online dating again though.
AV, I have never done online dating, but number 3 made me cringe and laugh at the same time. I could just see me writing ‘I can’t believe I am doing online dating’! I have always been wary of online dating when friends mention it, but the logical side of me said it’s just another way to meet people, as long as you are cautious, it will be ok. Now I know different! If I should ever find myself single, I know I would never even entertain the idea now!
JB, you are wiser than I was! It’s so funny to me, the same daughter that saw the red flags with the summer narc was the one who got me on those sites, she was using the “meat market” swipe left/right one! I didn’t do that one! But she now has a bf, not meet online. Also, what surprises me is that I have friends who have dated or divorced narcissists and they think I’m silly not to use these sites! I think they believe they can now spot narcissists. I do not have that same faith in myself and for me it is not worth the pain to risk it. But they encourage it, a few pretty strongly. I have had to back away from some of them as well. Each to their own. Not again for me.
AV, I know what you mean about it not being worth the pain to risk it. Given how convincing the facade can be, I just don’t think one could ever be 100% sure. I know a few people who have used the swipe left/right one, and ‘meat market’ is the exact term they use, too! Two people I know (both of whom I now realise are narcs themselves), both ‘complained’ that it’s full of women who just want sex! Of course, I came to realise that they weren’t really complaining at all! Online, you can be whoever you want to be, which is downright dangerous really. Nope, think I would rather live alone for the rest of my life!
“Time for a re-think on what you have written?”
Never. I’ve not joined any online “dating” sites. KTN blog is not one either.
“KTN blog is not one either.” – Asp Emp, did someone wonder? Or were you clarifying for yourself??
AV, no. I was stating that as a fact.