Promiscuous Boy
I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates.
They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too.
Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college. The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.
Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought.
Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction.
I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.
Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me. The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.
Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,
“Always good to make new friends.”
Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.
Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.
To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.
29 thoughts on “Promiscuous Boy”
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I love this person for so many years, never gave up the love, there were break ups, I had to hear too often that I had no meaning, there was other women and so on. I so often think they may have diagnosed the person wrong, I will never know but it just sits. It hurts so much I do everything to help and the more I read the more sad I become, but I am thankful you share so much information! The worst is that through your words I see that I had/have also those traits going in my family. That moment when you sit and cry your eyes out and ask yourself why you were born different. But, thank you, I feel depressed but I am very thankful that I know now.
Hi Katharina
It’s a tough realization to come to, but not knowing, endlessly blaming yourself, and feeling inadequate is no picnic either. I’m glad you have found your way here to the truth about what has really been happening to you. Keep reading. It becomes clearer and it will get better.
Katharina, I understand and relate to almost every word of your comment, my heart is breaking for you. I don’t know where you’re at with the narcissist, if you’ve escaped or are in No Contact, but I know that for me it has gotten easier in general with time, so please hang in there. We are here for you if you need us.
I hate this article. It makes me think of my ex way more than I like and the fact that I knew he cheated and I felt powerless to do anything about it, in many different ways. I know now that it was just fuel to him but it was unending pain to me, until near the end when I had figured a few things out. Even now, knowing it was just fuel doesn’t make it any less painful, when I think about it.
Remember that it’s NEVER about you. ❤️ I’ve made mistakes and as a DLSMB I assure you, it’s never you.
Thank you BC30, I know it wasn’t me, or even about me, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, the dashing of my dreams and hopes within that relationship. The love that I freely gave to him and thought would be a two way street, early on. As time went on, I once questioned his love of me to my mother, another narcissist, and her response was “I think he loves you the best he can.” I thought that was odd at the time, so odd, but now, learning she’s a narcissist who also cannot love, it makes sense.
What is the MB at the end of DLSMB for?
Marriage Breaker.
Okay, thanks. Crying now…damn.
Sending you a hug, AV.
Thank you Asp Emp. I need one today.
A Victor it is ok to let it out! I do the same and then I wipe my tears and try and move on. Hopefully life will bring happy tears instead of sad ones next time around.
Thank you, I will wipe my tears as soon as they stop and move on. Sometimes it takes a while with these challenging issues. But, by tomorrow I’ll be fine. Yes, let’s aim for happy tears going forward! I hope the same for you Eternity. <3
Thank you so very much 🙂
Marriage Breaker
A Victor, you will get through this be strong. Your mom didn’t know any better either. These people think they love but they don’t it’s not their fault really. They live in a different world .
Hi Eternity. I know you are correct. I just have to get my mind around it, it’s just time and processing. Thank you for your encouraging words.
A Victor, it will take time for sure and just letting everything sink in.
You are very welcome anytime!
Ex & Ex in laws exactly this way as described.Looks like they have failed to love.Lets give them a school mark of F for Failed.
AV, I’m sorry you are feeling it all at the moment. Have a virtual hug from me as well xx
What you said your mum had said about him loving you the best he can, do you think she knew that she found it difficult to love as well, and in some way was acknowledging this?
I thought so at the time. She’s a LMR so she doesn’t know what she is, I don’t know if that means she would recognize her inability to love.
Thank you for the hug. I don’t understand why this is bothering me so much, it’s been so long, it seems silly. But whatever it is my heart is hurting today. I have never wanted him back, I would never allow him to come back. So why is this so emotional? Probably because I never grieved the cheating aspect, I have been in denial about that piece all this time, even though I knew. Thanks for letting me process a bit here JB.
AV, it takes time to ‘process’ all the information and you are also probably learning to understand aspects of yourself throughout all this. It is easier said than done. I am not in contact with any of my past narcissists – that is why it is easier for me, yet I am still going through the ‘process’ of learning / understanding – more about myself really rather than the past narcissists. There may be times when you get ‘sucked back in’ by your emotions. Then again, you are also going through bereavement as well – it is a lot going on for you. Just give yourself time – you are doing really well x
Asp Emp, you are correct, I am learning about myself through this. Also, I am only in contact with my mother and it is on an extremely limited basis, so on that front, doing pretty well. And I feel like the bereavement has lightened up so much, really doing well there too, it was expected for a long time so much went before. But, this getting sucked back in, ugh. It is not as frequently as when I first arrived here though so there is progress and, for that I am very glad. Thank you for your support and kind words, they are so helpful.
AV, I am glad to hear it is getting easier all around for you, it is good to know and thank you for sharing.
AV, you’re welcome. It’s not silly at all. I think you’re right, you needed to grieve the cheating aspect. The whole thing is a process, and it doesn’t go in straight lines x
Hi JB, not sure how I missed this comment. Thank you for your supportive words, the grieving the marriage and his choices is getting easier. I wish it was straight lines but you are correct, it is not. I still struggle to get my head around certain things but hopefully the worst is over. I hope you are doing well!
BC30, I know it wasn’t about the other women either. I know we’ve all been hurt by these. I don’t want to go through any more right now though. Hearing it is painful. Thank you for your reassurance, we could’ve made that movie The Other Women. Ha.
I’m so sorry. ❤️ I’m sending all the love I can muster.
BC30,
Once his sister said to me, very shortly before he left, that he’d told her he wasn’t happy in the marriage. It really pissed me off, why was he telling her this and not me? And I know that he must’ve told at least some of the women he cheated with things about me because some of them knew me, and I them. But, I have been able to keep my head in the sand about it. The denial was strong in me. And I was never allowed to question him. It must’ve needed to come out, though right now I’m not certain why.
Though I very much appreciate and am grateful for your apology, really so much so, you don’t need to be sorry at all, you were being honest from your perspective and I do appreciate that. I just have to come to terms with it, that’s all, that there are others with a different perspective on me and my marriage, that they knew I was being duped and I just kept going in denial, changing nothing. I honestly feel like a fool right now. You know, everyone knows but you kind of moments. And especially since I actually did know but I just listened to his words, I could not allow it to be so, I was complicit. Okay, I am done. Thank you so much, if this is disjointed, it’s because it is how it’s coming out at this moment. Thank you for the love, I can feel it.
Brilliant article HG. 💗