We See You As An Object
You want to be someone to my kind and me.
That will not happen.
You are a something to us, not a someone.
I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.
Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.
Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.
Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which I require of you.
You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.
You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.
I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.
Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?
You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.
If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.
Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.
This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.
The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.
In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.
The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.
Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.
This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation
“Just do it.”
“Do what I want.”
“Get on with it.”
“Stop disobeying me.”
“You will do it or else.”
There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?
You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.
Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?
44 thoughts on “We See You As An Object”
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Dear Mr Tudor,
We are currently binge watching the ‘Imposters’ series on Stan….. it’s about con artists
Quickly falling in love, getting married and then robbing them
Good little eye opener to loved ones being used as ‘objects’ for financial gain and breaking their hearts
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
IDK why or if it is just me but the energy in the comments lately are not as how I remember the last couple off years here lol. Maybe something is in the air.But we are eachothers strenght we are all connected in 1.the empathetic group and 2.who once got violated unconsciously by an Narcissist.We can relate, support , love/care and most important understand eachother. I’ll be offline untill the end off this year. Wish you all strenght happiness love and support from your loved ones . stay blessed.
I’ve seen a couple of comments lately that indicate there has been a change more recently in the dynamic here. No one so far has really explained the change. I’m wondering what it is but maybe it is too hard to put a finger on.
Cherish, I wish you all the best in the coming year. I hope all will be well with you and look forward to your return when the time comes <3 xox
LET, see my comment to Cherish….
Lickemtomorrow,
The change from what I can see, is that we are all more ‘woke’, The Empaths. We are no longer wondering what is off, and why is it so off, we now know. Thanks to HG, we are being schooled and thought by the Ultra on his kind.
Lickemtomorrow, I don’t know about you, but from my perspective it feels fucking great. (Pardon my language). Much Love and Hugs. 💗
No need to pardon your language, Duchessbea, and it is great to be here and gain the benefits of HGs teaching. He has handed me a key to unlock the mysteries of my life and I will forever be grateful for that <3
No doubt growth and change bring a different dynamic and it's obviously a positive one. Much love and hugs to you as you continue on in your journey, too xox
Thank you lickemtomorrow. 💗
LET, “He has handed me a key to unlock the mysteries of my life and I will forever be grateful for that <3" Wow, powerfully stated, I agree 100%.
That’s a touchy one. Some won’t want to say for fear of offending. I’ll offer a few thoughts.
I have watched the dynamic change specifically with regard to commenters over time as they cycle through, but that is to be expected. People are at different stages, and I notice (understandably) those who have the same issues or arrive about the same time tend to gravitate to one another. As people in those groups move on due to having gained what they needed, the remaining of the group may feel less connected and read more/comment less as a new group arrives. Also focus changes. I have received the answers to the questions that brought me here for example and now am more interested in the subject of narcissism as a whole and HG’s personal journey. The blog has exploded in popularity since it’s beginning and still has only one moderator which has caused a bit of a change in dynamic (from my perspective). HG does a remarkable job in keeping up and interacting when he can, but it leaves less time for answering individual questions as he once could (not to mention the questions are repetitive). HG has recognized that and remedied it by addressing specific subjects in detail and offering them through the knowledge vault for example. A good change in dynamic in my opinion that helps to keep the blog from sagging with repetition and with i formation geared more specifically to those groups. My observation presently is that the comment section has more of a chat room or daily drop in feel amongst friends supporting one another with their own personal experiences with a lot of moderation being given to that back and forth. That is not to say that it is good or bad. It will hold the interest of some and not others. If you are here any length of time you will see the changes people have commented on. One dynamic never changes – the information is untouchable in terms of content, effectiveness, and entertainment. That is what is keeping me engaged presently.
Fair observation.
Agreed.
You have been here since the very beginning NA, so I appreciate your input and overview on this one. I can imagine there have been lots of comings and goings over the years and a steady group of contributors and followers who I’m sure are happy to hang back after having spent a lot of time previously inputting after their arrival. Of course, it is very individual and I think all input is valuable, certainly older members have a lot, or even the most, to offer having treaded the boards here for a while. In fact, it must be a fascinating exercise to watch the ebb and flow of the site and the people who visit, some for the longer term and others for the shorter.
I agree with you on the one dynamic that remains the same – it’s certainly been consistent since my time here – and I imagine it will continue to keep you engaged as well as many others, including myself.
I appreciate you touching on what might be a “touchy” subject. I guess people will view it differently depending on a lot of factors, but there’s no doubt the site is beneficial for all. Kudos to HG for that.
NA, thank you for this explanation. it makes sense. I am curious about one point, that of that it currently has more of a chat room/daily drop in feel. How is this different than previously? Is it…less effective in holding interest, do you think?
Cherish, I think the ‘changes’ are most likely that there we are all progressing in our education and learning about each other’s experiences. Also, I suppose that HG’s work has (if I may say so, HG) improved in quality (and quantity) and the fact a lot can change in a couple of years. We are all getting better as we progress through our lives.
Stay safe & well and hope everything goes well for you. Look after yourself and catch up with you when you return.
Is it a good change or a not so good change? I’ve only been here since Oct.
@LET Thank you so much for your comment ! I look forward to catch up with you then ❤️.
I agree with everyone about the growth wokeness etc. I really love seeing it. it reminds me sometimes about how chaotic I was when I first commented on this site I was still confused and many others were so rational and using words off HG’s work that were foreign to me lol.
NA Your thoughts did help alot especially this part ” As people in those groups move on due to having gained what they needed, the remaining of the group may feel less connected and read more/comment less as a new group arrives. Also focus changes. I have received the answers to the questions that brought me here for example and now am more interested in the subject of narcissism as a whole and HG’s personal journey. The blog has exploded in popularity since it’s beginning ”
NA I believe that part came close to what I was experiencing I just couldn’t find it out for myself . It’s always a joyfull feeling to read your comments when I return to this blog again. so consistent. love it!😁
I do think everything HG does with his content/blog/youtube/consultation/detectors/books is absolutely fascinating and the way het still interacts with us regularly.
@A.Victor its absolutely not a bad thing 😁, because I hope every empath find this page who’ve got entangled with a Narcissist. Change is always good, Plus I believe there will always be something new to learn from someone who is new or a different perspective to look at it ”he who knows everything knows nothing”.But I was just so used to how it was before that it triggered something in me. I’am happy all off you found HG .❤️
I’ll be away from the internet so long to focus on my businesses. I’m just trying to turn the pain in money this time around. I’ll be consulting with HG when is needed buy books etc .I look forward to read all off ya’ll comments again ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Cherish
I wish you success. Take care.
I mean what the ever-loving fuck is the point? Seriously. Why bother “connecting” with an object? Why value anything from us if you’re so superior? Why do you need us? Why pay any attention to anything and everything we are? Why take love when you don’t know what it is?
I mean I know, fuel and all that and blah blah blah, but I think about this. Why live from a defensive position that traps you in an alternate, false reality dependent upon others for your very existence?
A reminder:
Narcissism is a disorder – not a hobby.
It’s only a disorder from our perspective.
This is what constitutes a disorder according to the DSM.. let’s argue!
A behavioral or psychological syndrome or pattern that occurs in an individual
Check
Reflects an underlying psychobiological dysfunction
Check – limited emotions, the creature, the need to control others/fuel
The consequences of which are clinically significant distress (e.g., a painful symptom) or disability (i.e., impairment in one or more important areas of functioning)
Check- distress caused by the creature, negative emotions triggered by lack of control/fuel
leads to directly harming others, frequent breakdown in interpersonal relationships particularly romantic relationships, criminal offences, loss of and inability to maintain employment, substance misuse, isolation etc
Must not be merely an expected response to common stressors and losses (ex. the loss of a loved one) or a culturally sanctioned response to a particular event (ex. trance states in religious rituals)
Check – need for control and fuel 24/7
Primarily a result of social deviance or conflicts with society
Check – leads to directly harming others, frequent breakdown in interpersonal relationships particularly romantic relationships, criminal offences, loss of and inability to maintain employment, substance misuse, isolation, causes wars, extremism and spreading of STD’s
Leads to using up legal resources, wasting people time and money
Overall menace to society
My verdict is disorder!
Yes, it’s a disorder from the majority perspective and thus listed as such in the DSM. Your comment appeared to indicate that they choose their behaviour rather than it being directed by the narcissism. Fair enough if that’s your personal belief, but I think it odd that we question why narcissists act the way they do and expect them to make better choices when we don’t generally expect/voice that of those considered having other “disorders”. It’s akin to saying to someone with an eating disorder: “Why live that way? Just go eat a sandwich”.
CHEESE AND FUCKING RICE!! Ya’ll take ish way too seriously. I mean, THIS is the comment that does not fly under the radar and gets noticed?!
@witch @NA @ Whocares and @AV
Anyhow, my comment was a judgmental voicing of frustration with ALL narcissists triggered by, of all things, a car commercial.
Whether they choose the behavior was irrelevant to my grievance. The DSM reflects the majority opinion. As HG says there are are no rules and morals set out at the edge of the Universe. Some people mean well and others just like to be contrarian. I’m fine and have not a wall.
If you are getting slapped in the face, over and over, leave. Who gives a fuck WHY they are doing it? GOSO
I think it’s a disorder, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. However, as I’ve said it before, they are not cats or toddlers and therein lies my frustration. People suffering with other disorders can change, narcissists cannot. People are being harmed.
In the future, I can label rhetorical questions and judgmental musings, but IMO nobody should be listening to anyone except for HG. As far as our comments go, we share the experience, but the only one who can truly hold the Logic is HG.
Now, I’ve got to figure out what caused my initial reaction to these comments and utilize all the comments as continue my quest to learn about Empaths because this argument pops up often. 🤔
We hold space for one another here, and to those who do, I love you. I’m fine. 💕 💕 💕
Umm…okay. I was just offering a possibility to the question:
“Why live from a defensive position that traps you in an alternate, false reality dependent upon others for your very existence?”
As I’m sure others have pondered it as well.
I apologize for misunderstanding that you were only musing and not open to conversation.
BC30,
Empaths tend to want to help out that way when express frustration. So we try to fill in the answers,.even when maybe those answers aren’t welcome. It is a failing of ours sometimes (says the Martyr in me.)
Also, it is just an interesting topic.
I don’t know if they are actually trapped in that reality or if they embrace it (because of lack of options) at some point – but it isn’t an alternative reality…it is their *actual* reality.
I think an interesting question is why would nature devise such a brilliant defense mechanism?
when *others express frustration
My apology for being so Geyser-ly (?), and I do agree with most all your assessments. It’s true. Empaths tend to want to help out, you’re right, so thank you and no apologies needed. All was and is well—IRL I say cheese and (fucking) rice a lot. 😆
@BC30
I know you were just having a rant but I was addressing the second comment about narcissism being a disorder from our perspective and was trying to point out that that perspective still derives from logic and not merely scapegoating the narc just because they are a minority.
It is logical to view narcissism as a disorder because of the harm, distruption and danger that narcissists cause and the lack of responsibility they take for their actions.
It is correct for the “majority perspective” to label narcissism as a disorder because the range of behaviours sit outside those which are regarded as ordered and normal. Of course, if we were the majority, the position would be different.
@HG
Erm that is an interesting one because narcs don’t even achieve peace and cooperation with other narcs due to neither of them accepting control from other.
So even as the majority y’all would still find ways to hypocritically accuse the other of being a psycho and scapegoating them.
So like I said it is also logical to perceive narcissism as a disorder.
Most narcs would not even reach your level of sophistication- you are the exception not the rule and even so, your narcissism is still arguably a disorder according to the factors I have already pointed out. It’s your skills and your contacts (your circle, your privilege) that so far, has saved you from getting a coercive control charge or any other criminal charges. if you came from a poorer background it may have been a different story and your narcissism may have caused greater consequences for your life
Oh no, BC30, it sounds like you’ve hit a wall also. I hope you’re alright, I hope I am too. <3
See my other reply, I’m doing fine, no worries! 😀
I’m glad you didn’t hit a wall, I should not have assumed. Glad you’re doing fine! 🙂
“Why bother “connecting” with an object? Why value anything from us if you’re so superior? Why do you need us”
The narcissism has to cause them to objectify us, so that they are freed up to walk away and pursue fuel elsewhere – it reinforces their superiority and therefore, their entitlement to procure fuel how they see fit – I think?
“it isn’t an alternative reality…it is their *actual* reality.” I completely understand this, but we can see the possibility of other realities and see beyond ourselves, but they cannot. I find it fascinating, which leads to your other question,
“why would nature devise such a brilliant defense mechanism?” I think it is because without a connection the baby/child will wither away and die. Narcissism is indeed a brilliant defense mechanism.
Good to read this one again, HG. I am still not getting ‘barcoded’……
Ha ha Asp Emp, love your comments! Picture that being a real tattoo can you imagine? Also price check anyone ? I always think of the barcode when scanning fir an item at the grocery store.
Laughing. I’d be psd off to have a tattoo like that on my neck!
Same here Asp Emp not even a semi permanent one either ha ha !
HG,
I wonder is viewing “others” as appliances the same for you with larger things like Earth?
For example when you think of the universe and how tiny our solar system or even our galaxy is in relation – do you feel it is all an appliance ticking along to give you fuel? Are you superior to things like the Sun, the planets, the solar system? Do you have or try to exert control over them? Or is that just not something relevant to your fuel aims so not something that you think about?
I ask because I’m an astrophysicist. And one of the reasons I became such is I enjoy the perspective it offers. For example Earth from the outer edges of our solar system is barely visible as a tiny pixel. If that tiny pixel is everything we are and everyone we have ever known, how big are the things that matter to us truly?
I’m curious how existential reflection works with a narcissist’s worldview?
Read the book Fuel.
Will do, thanks.
This entirely article explains why I love this aliened monster in the first place. Of course I wasn’t aware about me being an object to her but I see this behaviour as a person that is down to earth..the qualities I look in a person. What a huge mistake made.
Maybe, but now you know.