Offspring : The Narcissist and Children



I have detailed previously why it is that we regard the act of impregnation as a material asset in the narcissistic armoury. It is not only the promise of impregnation, but the act itself and what this act creates that produces a whole host of benefits for our kind. This is the approach adopted by numerous of our kind, those who see children as additional appliances from whom fuel can be drawn, pawns to be used in the repeated triangulations which can be orchestrated with the primary source and the method by which we are able to claim the achievements and the accomplishments of our issue as our own. Not all of our kind adopt that approach. There are those of us who regard the idea of offspring as a threat and a hindrance to our agendas.

Why would we want someone to come along and steal our limelight? From the moment a child is born it is sufficiently pathetic that it requires nigh on twenty four hour assistance. It cannot walk, it cannot feed itself, it cannot clothe itself or wash itself. It must be tended for on a repeated basis. If you were to look to us to do this, you would find that there would not be any assistance forthcoming. Not only are we notorious in our desire to shirk menial tasks (unless we see that there is some considerable benefit in us doing so) but we do not see why we should have our needs pushed to one side in order to facilitate the care of another. Even though that child is a product of our loins, there are those of our kind who adopt such a view. You ought not to be surprised by that. We behave the same with our parents, siblings and wider relatives. We are like that with friends of both short and long-standing duration and naturally we behave in such a way with the person we supposedly love, our intimate partner. Why then would you expect anything different from us in respect of a child. In such circumstances therefore, the decision not to have children would be regarded as a blessing I am sure by your kind. We could not countenance that all of the emotional attention would be directed and fixated on such a helpless being. Here we are, magnificent and brilliant and you choose to direct your fuel to somebody else. That is an insult indeed to us and a mighty criticism which would wound us considerably.

Our resources would also be sought for this new arrival. Time, energy, finances and so forth. We regard our resources as ours alone and begrudge sharing them, unless such largesse brings additional reward for us. This selfishness is necessary in order to preserve ourselves and the fact that a child needs our resources is not going to change that mind set. We do not do anything just for the sake of doing so. There must be an ulterior motive to our actions. Pouring our resources towards somebody who will be oblivious to this for some time is not something that finds favour with some of our kind.

From your perspective we know you regard us as selfish for behaving this way. We regard it as self-preservation. You are the givers and the carers, we are not. If you wish to judge us for adopting such a stance, so be it, but for those of our kind who regard the issue of children as something to be avoided, that position is most unlikely to alter. We see only loss. Loss of our resources and loss of our fuel. Whilst some of our kind regard the additional benefits which can be derived from having children (the binding of the primary source, additional fuel provision, potential for traits and triangulation etc.) as worth obtaining despite the likelihood of reduced fuel from the primary source and reduced resources, there are also those from our ranks who assess the situation and decide it is not a price they wish to pay.

What is behind that? Why is it that some of our number opt to have children and others refrain from doing so? I cannot offer a definitive answer, although I consider, from my experience and those that I have engaged with that the proportion of our kind who decide to have children is greater than those who do not. I suspect the temptations of further fuel provision and triangulation prove quite the draw. It also highly likely that the idea of securing our legacy through children proves attractive as well. Seeing our own image and knowing that it will, more likely than not, outlive our mortal selves, does appeal to the need to maintain our idea of omnipotence. See how mighty we are that our influence lives on in our offspring and will do so in their own as our dynasty is forged. Such a notion does provide its own appeal.

What of me? What tipped the balance for me so that I opted to remain child-free in order to remain light on my feet, unhindered and fully-resourced. Was it the factors I have described above which caused me to decide that having children was not for me? In part yes, although I readily admit that the other elements and benefits from having issue are attractive. No, whilst I weighed up these various benefits and disadvantages it was something from my past which proved to be the deciding factor. It was something that has resonated with me for some time and something that somehow buried deep inside me and stayed there for a while until I decided to act on it and made my decision as to my destiny in respect of children. The idea of seeing those in my own image wending their way through the world and following in my footsteps was a strong pull, a strong pull indeed, but ultimately it came down to something else. This may be applicable to others of our kind as well, but for me the decision came down to this.

I could not take the risk of him or her or them reminding me of you and what you did to me.

Those words will never be forgotten.

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Child Defender

14 thoughts on “Offspring : The Narcissist and Children

  1. Black Moon says:

    Hi HG,

    My young son almost always used black when coloring. He hardly ever used bright colors which did make me worried. Could this have been the first sign that he is prone to becoming a narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Black Moon, no, it is not.

      Also, if he is drawing “Life Down a Coal Mine”, “Dad Hasn’t Paid the Electricity Bill.Again”, “If I Lived In a Vat of Tar” or “HG´s Heart In Close Up” then black is all that would be used!

  2. Changing colors says:

    My 16 year old is already very narcissistic. He is a very brainy kid but likes to piss off his teachers by handing in vastly incomplete, or low quality work and also missing deadlines. One teacher in every half a year.. Any idea how this could be prevented in the future?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Leave him to it, it is his funeral and he will only blame you whatever you do.

  3. Supernova DE says:

    There is recent rise in number of stay at home fathers, rearing children while the mother works in higher powered job and earns all the familial income.
    Can you comment on if this is a role that a narcissist would take on? Particularly wondering about MMRN and UMRN narcs in this scenario.
    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If it caters to the Prime Aims it would be undertaken. MMRN would be most likely to do this.

  4. Asp Emp says:

    “it was something from my past which proved to be the deciding factor. It was something that has resonated with me for some time and something that somehow buried deep inside me and stayed there for a while until I decided to act on it and made my decision as to my destiny in respect of children” – wow. Such a statement.

    For me, it was basically my whole childhood that I based my own decision on. Also society back then, which has not really ‘improved’ since – the mindset, the inequality (especially in relation to Deaf people) and so on. I also felt (back then) that I would never be a good mother myself – I have no regrets on my decision. However, I now know that I would have been a really good mother and my children would have inherited my empathic traits (also my narcissistic ones too – not such a bad thing). Yet, looking back and the fact I had relationships with narcissists, the children may have become narcissists themselves – so, yes, it was a good decision on my part.

    There are occasions in a person’s life when words are spoken and never forgotten. From my own experiences, it is usually something said by a narcissist just because of a narcissist’s perspective.

  5. Beth says:

    The last part made my blood run cold. My 13yo daughter is a mini me. Looks like me, talks like me, thinks like me, and recognized what her father was before I was ready to admit it (not what he was, but that he acted like a jerk and was never going to change).
    She instinctively went full No Contact with him for 6 weeks after we separated and would not acknowledge his existence. She only relented when she ran out of options with a temporary custody order that required her to attend joint counseling sessions with him. It drove him nuckin, futs. Of course, he unleashed his fury on me with claims that I for poisoned her mind. She couldn’t possibly be angry at him for witnessing years of emotional abuse and a handful of incidents that escalated to physical altercations.
    9 months later, she avoids contact and communication with him unless it’s absolutely necessary.
    For so long, his repeated accusations that I was engaging in parental alienation scared me and I felt like I had to be prepared to defend myself in a heated custody battle. It was the worst possible thing I could have done. Everything that came out of my mouth sounded like I was projecting and making false claims that he has treated her to many of the same methods of manipulation.

    His go to was the silent treatment and pretending like all 3 kids and I didn’t exist. She is now dealing with gaslighting in their joint sessions when he questions her memory of specific events or claims not to remember things happening at all. The saddest part is, not only do I have audio and video of multiple altercations, he showed up at the house one evening and started arguing with me, following me around the house for over an hour refusing to let me walk away from the confrontation. This happened on a night when she was having a sleepover with 7-8 of her friends and one of them has a video that she started taking because she was afraid he was going to hurt me.

    I don’t have to point out to her that this is not the way a child should be treated by one of their parents. She has a voice, and while I remind her before every joint session they have to be confident that she knows her truth, I know that essentially this is a lesson I learned from her and not vice versa.
    She is old enough to tell a judge how she feels about custody if it comes down to it, and his actions (or lack their) to repair their relationship speak louder than any words I could use as evidence.

    I’ve mentioned to a few people that I thought that he targets her more than our other two kids because she reminds him of me. Most of them agree to placate me knowing that whatever happened in the last few years old our marriage, it took a huge emotional toll on me. But that last point gave me more confidence to believe that my concerns are valid and more confident that I’m not projecting my experience onto her as a result of being a bitter ex who is hell bent on creating a false narrative that he is a bad person and a bad father.

    I do wonder though, if HG or anyone else had any thoughts on how having a child with special needs impacts a narcissist.

    1. Cup Cakes says:

      My children know what my ex is all about.Its definitely a blessing.

      1. A Victor says:

        Cup Cakes,
        Mine do also, a couple of them are trying to love him regardless, a couple of others gave up on him, for now anyway. I worry for their safety with regard to him but since they are all adults now, I do not interject my concerns unless they ask me. It is a blessing that they see him as he is.

        1. Cup Cakes says:

          Dont worry if there adults.

    2. Anm says:

      Beth, which child of yours has special needs, is it your daughter or one of the other children ? I have seen this scenario play out in a couple of different ways. Of course the answer to your question always depends on what the narcissist can get out of the situation. If a child has special needs, provides little to no fuel, and becomes “a burden”, then the child will at least be fortunate enough to be abandoned by a narc parent, and will hopefully have an Empath parent who can provide and love for the child. However, there is another scenerio, the narc can use a child with special needs as collateral damage. I have a friend who also has 3 children. The youngest has special needs. None of the children would speak with the abusive/narc father because he used to beat the mother in front of them. When the 2 eldest aged out if the system, the Narc petitioned the court for full custody of the youngest child with special needs, based on claims of alienation, and he won. What did the narc do? He isolated the special needs child and would let her get in touch with mom or the other siblings to get them back. The special needs child is turning 18 this month, so the narc dad is trying to now petition the courts for guardianship of the special needs child to continue his malific ordeal. I say this, because I want you to be careful, especially if narc father has any money. A lot of “Expert Witnesses” would gladly take his money, without knowing anything about your situation, and bat for him in court.

    3. Siren says:

      Oddly I’m my moms mini me, and after my parents divorce she was constantly being told she was poisoning me against him despite me being double digits and seeing his abuse with my own eyes and being on the recieving end as well. Seems to be a standard go to. I kept trying till the day he died but it always resulted in me being disowned for some fabricated wrong. My youngest is special needs and my narc is a mid lesser (detected by HG) he refused to let me get her care for the serious symptoms of Autism we were seeing yet sucked all the attention he could out of the situation from friends and family, claiming he was exhausted from the higher level of care despite not being involved at all. Since my escape she has started taking (nearly 4) and most symptoms have decreased to the point I’m wondering how much is autism and how much was his wild behaviors and daily fury… He’s admitted in text while trying to hoover me in he knows she has the best loving care yet claims I’m at fault for her symptoms and tells others he fears for her since he isn’t here. He couldn’t stand the attention being directed to her and since her symptoms started showing became completely unbearable, telling me I only care about her and blaming my attention being focused on her for his wild outbursts and displays of fury. I can vouch a special needs child makes the relationship with a narc very much more complicated. He’s hell bent on following through with his promised threat to make me pay for kicking him out by destroying her but due to his final night sadly yet thankfully the cops had to get involved so I was able to persue a protection order to at least keep her safe so she can heal and get help. Thankfully between the detector and the child defender I had enough courage to keep going, long way to go but one win under my belt. By default mind you as he didn’t show but I’ll take it. *if I posted double I’m sorry, didn’t seem to go through yesterday*

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi Siren,
        Congratulations on your win! You have a lot on your plate, wishing you many more successes.

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