What Fuel Feels Like to a Narcissist
When I look at you and see the delight cross your face as you spot me across the room, I feel the flame of attention ignite inside me as the first sensation of power booms into life. I have learned that your smile, the widening of your eyes and your hurrying towards me is indicative of delight and happiness on your part. I feed from this allowing my eyes to drink in the fuel that emanates from your expressions. When I gaze at you beneath me, writhing against me, mouth open and flush of sensual desire spreading across your chest, the flames burn fiercer as I watch with such attentiveness the flaring of your orgasm. I study your reaction to our coupling, noting the detail of the way you twist your head, the slight flare of your nostrils, the flailing limbs. I watch and I absorb, committing your reaction to my memory as I avail myself of the fuel that you are providing for me. When I stand and stare at you, that baleful glare piercing you from my darkened ink-like eyes, I am savouring your trembling stance, the fear that you are trying to hide cannot be hidden as you clutch at the arm of the chair to steady yourself, your eyes welling with tears. I stand and I stare,my stare generating your fearfulness and at the same time absorbing the fuel that flows from your frightened state.
When I hear you call my name, that upwards lilt in your voice, the light inflection which denotes that you are pleased to see me, I feel the fuel embracing the fire inside me, allowing the flames to burn a little brighter and stoking the engine that provides me with my sensation of power. I do not feel delight,I do not feel joy, I will replicate the way you look in order to make you think that I feel them, but as I hear your fuel-laden words as they break upon my ears, all that I feel is power. Power than I cause you to feel so elated when you call out to me from another room or speak down the telephone to me on repeated occasions throughout the day. When I hear your shouted insults, the waves of fuel wash against my ears, emotion-laden labels which do not perturb me, unless I choose to feign that I do, in order to provoke you further. I hear the sound of birdsong, I hear the sounds of a cheering crowd and I hear the first strains of a piece of music that appeals to me, yet none of those things comes to close to making me feel the way I do when you shout, cry, laugh, scream, moan and sigh because of me. Your words of praise move me through the gracing of power far more than the strings of a famous orchestra. Your words of scorn generate a far greater reaction for me than the roar of a crowd as my team scores the winning goal.
When I taste, I taste so much more than the food in my mouth or the drink I have just taken a swig of. You bought me that drink and imbued within that mug of coffee or glass of beer I can taste your interest, your appreciation and your affection. Your empathic print is on all that you say and do, your actions and words are embodied in the cake that you baked for me. I tell you the slice you have cut for me is delicious and of course it is, you are an excellent baker, but what I really taste is the care and attention you dedicated to me as you made that cake for me. Every meal you place before me may taste of different ingredients but the one which always tastes finest to me is the emotion that you have imbued it with. Whether it is a lovingly prepared three course dinner or a slammed down plate of spaghetti bolognaise, the emotion you imbue into those meals always tastes better than the meals themselves.
When I smell that delightful fragrance I feel once more the power rising inside me as I latch on to the fuel that you provide to me. Your action in putting on that scent which I have told you is my favourite goes far beyond the pleasant smell of jasmine or sandalwood. The fragrance tells me how you want me to be pleased by your wearing it, how you wish to smell attractive for me and thus I am empowered by your action as my nose senses the fragrance. The smell of freshly laundered clothing or bedding, that clean scent is imbued with you caring for me, attending to my washing and the housework and once again the smell of this act of kindness, of affection and of caring provides me with the fuel that I crave. Even when I tell you that I no longer like a certain perfume you wear, in order to provoke a reaction from you, when you wear it as an act of defiance, you provide me with yet more fuel from this act which is encapsulated in the scent. When you stand fuming, cigarette in hand, the smell of the smoke contains your anger, your irritation and it smells as sweet to me as a blossoming rose might to you.
When I hold your hand and I feel your pleasure in me taking your hand in mine, the fuel flows once again. As I feel your skin beneath my fingers, I know that the emotions that erupt as I do so will fuel me further. From my lips against your lips through to moving inside of you, I feel as anyone would, but I feel so much more because I feel your emotion through my touch and your touch upon me. The emptiness that consumes me acts with the power of a huge black hole which sucks all the emotion you exude into me. When I feel your touch upon me, the fuel flows once again and you allow the simmering flames to rise higher because of the light application of your fingers on the nape of my neck. The pressure of your arms about me as you hug me tightly signifies the deep-seated love and affection which you have for me. It powers through me, invigorating and awakening, providing me with the power that I need to keep on doing that which I must do.
The sting of your hand as it slaps my face, punishment for another of my transgressions as I sought out the touch of another outside our relationship, will hurt my face, I am after all human in the physical sense at least. The sting that you have left however is readily dwarfed by the surge of power I feel inside me at your emotion-filled violence towards me. Touch me, stroke me, hold me, strike me, push me and pull me, it all amounts to a connection between you and I that sends the fuel flowing from you to me. When I no longer tolerate the affectionate and intimate touches, I crave instead for the terrified grab of my arm or the defensive shove to keep me away from you. I may no longer want you to hold my hand, kiss me or place a delicate hand upon my brow, instead I will welcome the physical manifestation of your anger, your frustration and your fear.
Everything that you say and do will be absorbed through my senses, what I see in you, what I hear you say, what I taste, what I smell and what I feel from your touch, they all provide conduits for me to gather fuel. I am a vast machine which is sucking the emotion from you through all of my five senses in order to try to fill this immense emptiness inside me. You make my senses come alive, albeit it for one purpose and this happens in a way that causes the sensations you feel from the use of your senses to pale by comparison. You truly fill up my senses.
15 thoughts on “What Fuel Feels Like to a Narcissist”
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I get it and have also observed it in narcissists reactions but do find it hard to imagine how someone shouting at you or hitting you would make you feel powerful. 🤔
Because he caused it. And it doesn’t scare him.
That’s a good point re scared AV. How about pure narcissists though. 🤔 I do get that the power is in the creation of the emotion. The ex friend I mention was a good case study in this. She definitely enjoyed upsetting people.
I don’t think even pure narcissists are scared of our emotions, or even our fists, as long as they caused it and feel that they’re in control. They know how we work. And if we get to the point of a supernova or a cliff fightback, even if we challenge or wound them, they’ll get it back in their control and sooner or later be back for more fuel from us. It’s how they keep it fresh, that and having more victims lined up.
Yes I think you’re right.. that accords with my observations too thinking on it further. I guess it’s just hard to wrap my head around.
Hi Two,
My daughter is a pure narcissist and she revels in causing anger. She laughs when its happening. Which in turn, infuriates the other person even more.
When they cause the anger, the fuel lights them up.
Thanks Leigh. Yes, it’s strange isn’t it? 😞 What age was your daughter when you started to notice things like that about her..?
The smirky friend I often mention would say things like “oh you’re boyfriend is just using you for sex” to another friend but then she’d get upset that people were upset with her 🙄
Hey Leigh, my best friends daughter has been a nightmare diagnosed borderline and she is autistic for seven years age 13-20. Last week she hacked her apple, got ahold of her texts and texted friends. She called 100 times with burner phones. She threatened to text her mother my best friends boss claiming she was having sex with an underage man. Lie. But could be damaging as she is an agent representing youths. Hundreds of calls and texts threatening cutting, suicide etc… THE NORM. My friend blocked her. I advised her to end the family plan and phone. She did. She kept asking WHY? I said she wants attention and to hurt you. She expects you to make her happy and to fix her life and is furious if you don’t. All her calls are about hurting her mother. She got arrested for criminal threat. I got her off as a first time offender and with the agreement she moved to Mississippi to be with her Dad. She did. Protects my friend. Now it’s calls not physical. Her dad is good with boundaries. My friend is less so… thus vulnerable. They are entitled, they blame you for not fixing whatever ails them. They enjoy hurting those who love them the most as they are frustrated that their needs aren’t being met and it’s all about them, no matter what the age they are self centered and child like. Best you can do is block. Go. I don’t know if they will ever change but enabling their abuse is not one if them. Ask Rob Reiner. No one on planet Earth deserves abuse. No matter what.
Hi Contagious & Two
Contagious,
My narc daughter isn’t around a lot. She has an IPPS and is with him most of the time. She’s not the same as your friend’s daughter or Nick Reiner. She supports herself. She’s not addicted to drugs and barely drinks. But she is a narcissist and uses the facade of an overwhelming angel. I don’t have to worry about her hurting me.
Unfortunately, I have seen her push buttons in order to anger people though. I wanted to share that with Two so she could understand that the narcissist enjoys it when we’re angry. If I had to take an educated guess, I would say her IPPS is probably getting the brunt of it now. Its ok. He’s a narcissist too.
Hi Two,
Probably at about 3 years old I started being concerned about her. She was super sensitive and cried all the time. Then when puberty started to hit, that’s when the behaviors became odder and nastier. She laughed at inappropriate times and lashed out a lot. Between the narcissism and the onset of hormones, it was not pretty.
I was probably here about a two years when I realized that she was a narcissist. She was in her early 20s at that point. I decided to do the narc detector and Mr. Tudor confirmed it.
As for your friend who got upset when people got upset with her, its because its challenge fuel. The fuel was good but they were threatening her control. She may have a facade and now you’ve suggested that she’s not a good person or she’s done something wrong. They don’t like that. That’s what makes it challenge fuel. Sometimes my daughter gets like that too. There’s a difference between challenge fuel and pure negative fuel though. I think when they’re provoking you on purpose and you get angry, its pure negative fuel because the aim is an emotional response and you gave them one.
Dear Leigh,
This is why we must be “non reactionary” ….. that, in itself can be challenging. 🤐
Our “greater” friend doesn’t see us as often, I stopped reacting, so I’m no longer fun for him anymore haha
When we do catch up, he has quite an “aloofness” about him. He’s still a “know all” and always “right”, however, we just let him.
When he gets upset, (which is more often now) he has this little routine of hand and body movements. It’s hilarious!
“Aging “ is scaring the bejeezus out of him. He’s now obsessed with food, cholesterol and blood levels. He’s skinny and looking old…. so sad!
I’m keeping my lips sealed 🤐 haha
Hi Bubbles,
I totally agree about not reacting. I would classify myself as ANC with my narc daughter. She’s with her boyfriend most of the time.
Also, I’m painted white most of the time so I don’t experience her malign manipulations as often. I have witnessed the inappropriate laugh though.
The Flames of Desire. Of ‘Love’.
Fuel for a narcissist. Emotion for an empath.
Both are human beings. Both are fundamentals to human ‘survival’. Both are ‘catalysts’ to each other. By ‘distorted’ mathematics of science. The ‘sums’ don’t add up, yet they are atomically a combination of neutrons and electrons. All because of the neurological DNA that humans have evolved over the millennia because of the environmental factors. Caused by the human race.
Very deep Asp Emp. Interesting thoughts.
Thank you AV.
It’s ‘mind over matter’ and it’s right on the ball.
The narcissist conquers our senses and also gets fuel from us feeding their senses. Interesting. For the Golden Period, it is so appealing, so difficult to resist, I see why it is so effective. My ex only did 50 or 60% of the conquering moves and I still fell for him. And, I still think about some of those things but I do not dwell on them, especially since being here. We have virtually no chance, it is so powerful.