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The Nasty Neighbour Narcissist

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Neighbours. Unless you operate a sheep farm in Australia or man a lighthouse, chances are you will have some neighbours. For the most part, people may not know who their neighbours are, particularly in busy multi-occupancy properties in cities or they recognise them, but the interaction is a little more than a “Hello” and “Turned out nice again” as they pass in the street, lobby or lift. For others a neighbour has become a long-standing friend, a person who is spoken to every day, who is always welcome to pop in or who a conversation is engaged with over the garden fence. There is never a problem borrowing a cup of sugar, watching the cat whilst on holiday or taking in a parcel.

From the unknown, to the amiable to the hearty friendship, neighbours proliferate across the planet and largely there is no issue. However, there then comes the individual (although sometimes it is a couple or family) who earns the epitaph of neighbour from hell. This individual makes life for their neighbours or perhaps one in particular, irritating, annoying of complete misery. I daresay you have your own experiences of this, either something that has happened to you or you have witnessed or heard about having happened to a friend or family member. The variety of behaviours engaged in by this inconsiderate and unpleasant individuals is endless but here are some examples:-

  1. The neighbour who plays loud music every night until the early hours of the morning.
  2. The neighbour who complains if one of your visitor’s parks their car outside his house even if it is not blocking the driveway.
  3. A neighbour whose garden and house is an eyesore and nothing is done to keep it tidy or well-maintained.
  4. A neighbour who commences a boundary dispute because the new ornament atop the pillar at the end of your drive appears to encroach one inch onto his land.
  5. The neighbour who kicks over your wheelie bins because they say you are leaving them on their property.
  6. The neighbour who erects a huge fence blocking out your natural light.
  7. The neighbour who leaves mountains of rubbish lying around, attracting rodents and causing a stench.
  8. The neighbour who has an animal which causes a problem through noise, droppings, biting or damaging property.
  9. The neighbour who will not return footballs and the like which go over the fence.
  10. The neighbour who repeatedly complains about you and your family over non-existent or trivial complaints.
  11. Sending anonymous notes to other neighbours suggesting that the targeted neighbour is a paedophile or serial-womaniser.
  12. The neighbour who always borrows possessions and never returns them

It may be the case that a particular neighbour engages in one or several of these anti-social behaviours. It may be the case that a neighbour engages in a vendetta whereby the behaviour goes beyond that of being anti-social and amounts to a concerted campaign of harassment, criminal damage and even criminal assault. This unpleasant neighbour may embark on a series of behaviours such as poisoning animals, pouring weed killer on flowers or ripping up the garden turf, posting faeces through the letterbox, smashing windows, erecting barriers to prevent access and physical attacking the long-suffering neighbour.

Many people are either unwilling or unable to move away from this particularly problematic person. Naturally, the innocent party will try to reason with the difficult neighbour, trying to reach a compromise over parking arrangements, or asking the neighbour to show more consideration with regards to making noise at night. The innocent neighbour recognises that the behaviour is anti-social but is unable to understand :-

  1. Why the neighbour behaves like this in the first place;
  2. Fails to recognise he or she is doing anything wrong;
  3. Refuses to change their behaviours;
  4. Get so worked-up over trivial matters; and
  5. Increases the aggravation when reasonably approached.

The innocent person is completely at a loss as to what they could have done to invite such treatment. They are unable to grasp why it cannot be sorted out. They may escalate matters by making a complaint to the relevant authority about noise, refuse and behaviour, involve the police or commence their own legal proceedings to resolve a boundary dispute where significant money is spent arguing about a strip of land three inches in width and makes no real difference to anybody. Even such escalation fails to cause the nasty neighbour to correct their ways, often resulting in the unpleasant behaviour continuing or if the neighbour complies with a court order or notice, they engage in an alternative form of nuisance and harassment, leaving the innocent party exasperated. They cannot understand why this person behaves this way.

The reason they behave like this is that in all likelihood this is a nasty neighbour narcissist.

Now, many of our kind have pleasant interactions with our neighbours. The neighbour, either a tertiary or secondary (sometimes intimate) source is treated well enough because

a. Positive fuel is provided on an intermittent basis so there is no risk of that fuel going stale or the narcissist shifting stance owing to a reduction in quantity or frequency;

b. Façade management is key. It is often important to the narcissist that they are regarded as a pleasant person, well-regarded in the community etc by their neighbours and therefore it pays to remain courteous and pleasant to them as part of the façade;

c. Neighbours may form part of the narcissist’s coterie;

d. The neighbours form the contrast (through façade and coterie) compared to the treatment of the IPPS.

Accordingly, it usually suits the narcissist to have convivial relations with neighbours.

Yet, when problems arise in the manner described above, it will invariably be a narcissist who is generating the nasty behaviour and prolonging the campaign of harassment. Why is this?

  1. The sense of entitlement. The narcissist is entitled to sleep without your noisy kids making a racket even though it is a family neighbourhood, the middle of the afternoon and the school holidays. The narcissist can park his car blocking your drive if he wishes. He does not have to remove the refuse just because you ask. If he wants to park a large van so it blocks your light, he can do that. Those footballs which keep landing in his garden belong to him now and in fact, how dare your offspring invade his territory.
  2. No boundary recognition. In some instances this actually becomes literal when the narcissist builds an extension to the property encroaching on a boundary line. Having no recognition and respect for boundaries, the narcissist neighbour will remove anything of yours if he thinks it is in the way, tell you to change the colour of your front door is she does not approve with the shade you have painted it, walk across your front lawn rather than around it because it is easier to do that and a hundred other examples.
  3. No concept of accountability. This links in with the sense of entitlement. The narcissist does not have to do something just because you ask nor do they have to act just because the local authority has said as such.
  4. Victim mentality. Utilising the narcissistic perspective and the Toxic Logic that prevails, each situation will be twisted around so that the innocent person is the one who will be regarded as the one who has caused the problem, the narcissist is the individual who has been put upon and badly treated.
  5. Split thinking. The neighbour may well have been painted ‘white’ to begin with and then inadvertently does something which results in them being seen as ‘black’. No matter what this person does, they are always viewed as being in the wrong. For instance, the narcissist may have been hosting a party and the neighbour politely asks them to turn the music down as it is after midnight and they have young children. This offends the narcissist’s sense of entitlement and they are wounded by this request. The narcissist sees it as a demand, an order and plays the victim “all I was doing was celebrating my birthday but they had to spoil it”, fury is ignited so the music is turned up and thereafter the neighbour remains painted black and becomes a scapegoat in the neighbourhood.
  6. Inability to resolve the dispute. This arises out of the differing perspectives and because the innocent person does not know what they are dealing with. They think it is enough to ask their neighbour not to keep moving their rubbish bins when they have been left out for collection and that is a reasonable request. They do not realise how this request wounds the narcissist, that their fury ignites and they lash out in order to seek fuel. They do not realise that the narcissist has different aims to them which means that resolving any issue (trivial as it seems to the innocent party) becomes impossible as the potential outcomes desired by each party are completely different (to understand more about this mentality which extends to all manner of disputes with a narcissist see Why Are The Arguments Never Resolved?
  7. Why does the nasty neighbour narcissist keep on going, seemingly hell-bent on revenge over something minor such as the innocent neighbour accidentally knocking over a garden gnome? This incessant attack by the narcissist neighbour leaves the innocent party bewildered and flabbergasted. Who on earth keeps on going over such a minor matter? The answer; a narcissist. Why? One huge problem for a neighbour who has found themselves painted black by a narcissist neighbour is that they are always going to be hovered and they will be malign. Why is this? Firstly, the Hoover Trigger ( see The Spheres of Influence ). You, as the innocent neighbour will activate a hoover trigger every single day because you enter the narcissist neighbour’s sphere of influence either because they see you or they see your house. Next, what about the Hoover Execution Criteria? Are they met ? (see It’s Hoover Time). It is usually the case that the Hoover Bar on these criteria will be low because

a. The narcissist knows fuel will be readily obtained from you, because you will be angry, upset, pleading etc;

b. The hoover will be easy to execute – the narcissist knows where you are, does not have to travel far at all to effect the hoover, has a vast array of ways of hoovering you to draw fuel, there is no romantic Formal Relationship to try to resurrect, it is a straight forward grab for fuel and the criteria are nearly always going to be met.

Accordingly, whilst the innocent party cannot fathom out why the narcissist keeps engaging in the harassment and dirty tricks, the simple fact that that person has been painted black in the eyes of the narcissist and then the Hoover Triggers are repeatedly activated and the hoovers effected means that an ongoing, sustained and repeated campaign of harassment and nastiness is waged against the individual. Reasoning with the neighbour does not work, upping the ante will not work (it is just fuel and/or allows the narcissist to smear the innocent victim) and even in some instances repeated court orders will be flouted by the narcissist who rejects the attempt to shackle their entitlement and continues their stance of being unaccountable.

8. No empathy. Lacking empathy, the narcissist neighbour feels no need to stop with their behaviour, does not appreciate the plight of the innocent neighbour or consider how it would feel if it were acted out against them in a similar way. Instead, the narcissist will turn the matter around to explain how they are the one hard done to and engage in all of the familiar manipulations in order to maintain the upper hand and control with their neighbour.

9. The scapegoated neighbour is used for the purposes of triangulation with other neighbours or more often the brainwashed members of the narcissist’s family so that more lines of fuel are opened up.

10. There may well have been no warning signs either because the narcissist, at first, will have presented a façade to the new neighbours and in effect been subjected to a form of ‘seduction’ by the narcissist neighbour. Those other neighbours who tried to warn you were ignored since “oh he has been ever so friendly since we moved in” – sound familiar to the romantic dynamic?

Accordingly, if you have a repeatedly anti-social, unreasonable and harassing neighbour it is highly likely you are dealing with a narcissist.

What to do?

  1. Do not react so little or no fuel is provided. This may well result in an increase in malign hoovers for a while but if there is no response, eventually the lack of fuel will mean the narcissist looks elsewhere or at least reduces the frequency of the behaviour.
  2. Log all incidences of anti-social behaviour with relevant authorities, install CCTV as a must so you have evidence, write down in a journal incidences of anti-social behaviour so you build a solid evidential foundation which can be used by

a The police if criminal charges are to be pursued;

b. Environmental agencies where they have jurisdiction – noise, nuisance, refuse.

c. Relevant local authority if the individual is a social tenant who could be evicted.

d. You if you bring private court proceedings for an injunction to stop trespass, harassment, or to seek an appropriate order relating to a boundary dispute

3. Recognise that asking the neighbour narcissist is not going to succeed. Ask once, politely, in writing (so you have a record) and then recognise that you have to escalate the matter through the appropriate channel with a solid evidential basis.

4. Understand that even formal escalation will take time and with certain neighbour narcissists they will ignore court orders, flour notices and so on until enforcement action is taken by the relevant body and/or  the neighbour narcissist is sent to prison for failure to obey the court order or notice.

5. Go no contact and find a damn good estate agent to sell your home.

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The Fuel Matrix – Part Three

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FUEL MATRIX PART THREE

The final part of the series of articles concerning the important Fuel Matrix addresses the school of narcissism of the Greater Narcissist. Like the Lesser and Mid-Range Schools, this particular school has three divisions.

1. The Lower Greater Narcissist (“LGN”)

The LGN is intelligent, charismatic and scheming. He has significant control over his ignited fury but when that fury is ignited his response usually manifests through heated fury. He shouts, he threatens but in an instant can turn the charm back on in order to smooth over with astonishing ease the situation following his tirade. He is also the most prone of all of the Greaters to use physical and sexual violence. He is nowhere near the blunt instrument of aggression that the Lesser school is. The LGN will maintain his control for a considerable period of time and then will erupt with violence. He is less concerned about the façade (compared to the other Greater Narcissists) as he will rely on charm to ensure that he can explain away, smooth over and dilute the impact of any sudden explosion of violence.

a. Primary Source. A Greater will never rely on a family member as a primary source. His primary source will always be an IPPS and at the high end of the particular cadre which he belongs to, thus if Somatic, he will have a very attractive wife or girlfriend. If Cerebral, this person is likely to be of a high calibre in terms of academics. The LGN can manage without a primary source if necessary and will instead rely on a corps of IPSSs (see below). The IPPS of a Greater will be installed with considerable charm, flattery and attraction and is often an individual who is strong, independent and resourceful – those traits indicating to the LGN that the empathic and class traits are in plentiful supply and such an individual represents a delightful challenge to bring to heel. The LGN, not extensively concerned by the façade will have a high turnover of IPPSs. He will readily attract them,  launch into an horrendous devaluation and dis-engage in a swift time frame, before drawing in another with ease.

b. The familial secondary source network of the LGN will be extensive as members of the family hold him or her in high regard. There will be one or two in that network who will be regarded as scapegoats by the LGN and will have been on the receiving end of his or her vitriolic outbursts but immediate and extended family will find the LGN impressive and be proud of this person’s status and achievements;

c. The LGN is likely to hold a senior managerial position (probably at board level) in a corporate entity or public body, he may well operate his own business and as a consequence will have a significant number of secondary sources throughout the business and related to the business;

d. The LGN has a significant social network also. He has a loyal Coterie and within that Coterie he can rely on a cabal of at least half a dozen inner circle friends who are all likely to be Lieutenants. He has an extensive outer circle friendship and if ever at a loose end he would be able to call on people to join him, often with little notice. The LGN tends to operate at a local level and therefore is well known in their immediate neighbourhood and locality, both in an business, community and social sense. This results in a large network of secondary sources;

e. The LGN can easily juggle two or more IPSSs when the need arises. He has little difficulty attracting them and will do so from social, work and community hunting grounds. He also has no issue with the IPSSs knowing about one another and indeed he will actively encourage competition amongst them. He has no concerns about the IPPS being aware of these indiscretions as he revels in the triangulated fuel and relies on his charm combined with physical and sexual threat to keep the IPPS in place until he decides to dis-engage. He regards it as his entitlement and right to have a harem of IPSSs. He has no interest in compartmentalising them, but rather ensures they understand they have no call on him as of right, but given his attractive qualities he knows that they regard him as a catch and that competition is a matter of fact when trying to secure his attentions. Many IPSSs accept, as a consequence of the LGN’s presentation, that they must share him and are content to have that arrangement rather than risk losing him altogether;

f. The LGN interacts with scores of tertiary sources and does so in an arrogant and high-handed manner. He will shift from pleasant to malicious in an instant owing to some perceived slight against him or often just because he can in order to show off his power to other people. He revels in having people running around for him and again is not unduly concerned by the façade, so that it as a consideration does not prevent him from lashing out at people, who he will then win over again with considerable charm.

The LGN has similarities with the ULN in that they are aggressive, arrogant and swaggering. The LGN however is more calculating, far more grandiose and charismatic but is only able to maintain this on a local scale.

2. The Middle Greater Narcissist (“MGN”)

The MGN is a grandiose, flamboyant and outgoing individual who most likely fits with the public perception of what a narcissist is, without realising that the disorder is far more detailed and complex. The MGN is a considerably popular person who has the people touch, able to converse with paupers and princes (so long as it serves the MGN’s purposes). The MGN has a draw and a charm which is similar to The Magnet Empath but of course with all the downsides that one would expect from a narcissist.

The MGN is a successful individual. He or she may well run their own business which is likely to be the ideal platform for their showmanship, performance and entertaining talents. The MGN is not someone who is scheming in the corporate world or battling in the highest court in the land, but rather the MGN is on stage, up front and there for all to see. The rock stars of the world, famous television presenters, politicians and demagogues form those who are MGNs. They create an astonishing façade of brilliance, popularity and acceptance. People want to be with the MGN, they worship and adore them. Their reach far extends that of the localised LGN and is instead a countrywide, continent wide or world wide reach.

The MGN is driven, ambitious, with high energy levels which are channelled into the pursuit of fame, wealth and excellence. They appear in the church, in entertainment and politics. They make people feel like they are the only person in the room whereas unwittingly they are actually drawing that person deep inside their world. These people are not to be crossed. Charismatic and calculating they will crush those who get in the way, never bothered about using people to get what they want but always with their considerable charm so that it almost feels like a pleasure to have been used by the MGN. Passionate, excellent public speakers, motivated and motivating they have people in their palm of their hand.

It is unsurprising that these individuals have massive fuel networks.

a. Primary Source. Never a family member and thus always an IPPS. The MGN is likely to have been or will be married several times. They have no problem in drawing impressive IPPSs to them, thus gaining considerable fuel, character traits and residual benefits. The MGN will also knowingly seduce Lessers or Mid-Range Narcissists, where a purpose is served and this contributes to the high-turnover of IPPSs. The Primary Source is kept in place through the charm and brilliance of the MGN and then through devaluation this is most often through threat of withdrawal or actual withdrawal. The MGN is rarely physical with the victim, there is no need to be that way. The MGN does not go in for lengthy devaluations through the commission of savage acts but instead prefers the withdrawal of so many benefits associated with the MGN to speak for themselves. The MGN then engages in considerable Relationship Bulletins when a new IPPS is swiftly installed, in order to compound the misery of the one who has been usurped. The MGN will smear the IPPS if necessary but prefers generally to move on and their malicious side is evident through the delight they take in showing off their new acquisition.

b. The Familial Secondary sources of the MGN are largely benign and supportive of the MGN but the MGN being someone who is often in demand from work and socially, has little time for family and therefore whilst on reasonable or good terms does not draw extensively on their familial secondary source network;

c. Colleague Secondary Sources. The MGN will have numerous colleague secondary sources who all think very highly of the MGN and the MGN is most keen to maintain this. He places huge stock in his façade and therefore it is very rare for him to devalue any colleague secondary sources, but when it happens it is fast and effective with no coming back (unless the MGN decrees it as worthwhile, but this is rarely the case). The blackened colleague will no doubt be removed, dismissed or decide to go elsewhere since the MGN’s charisma and powerful façade can rarely be taken on with any success;

d. Social secondary sources. The MGN has  a cabal of around a dozen inner circle friends who will mainly be Lieutenants. He will also have scores of social outer circle friends and is never ever short of someone who will be happy to pour some positive fuel the way of the MGN. People are desperate to be the MGN’s friend, they will fight one another for favour and a minute in the golden glow of the MGN is well worth the effort. The social secondary sources of the MGN, those in the outer circle, will include several Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who are drawn by the charisma and popularity of the MGN.

e. In terms of IPSSs, the MGN has them by the truckload. His charisma, success, money et al make for a honeypot for individuals who are bowled over within moments and soon find themselves in bed. The MGN will have several on the go at once but through his Lieutenants and the extensive use of charm he is careful to ensure that if there is an IPPS, this extensive backdrop of IPSSs remains hidden. Indeed, of all narcissists, it is the MGN who use Dirty Little Secrets the most extensively. If he is inbetween IPPSs, then he can function from his extensive harem but does so in a way that is seen as ‘dating’ rather than shagging around. His reputation and the zealous Lieutenants and Coterie see to it that Brand MGN remains unsullied from allegations of promiscuity and infidelity.

f. With regard to tertiary sources, the MGN will engage with thousands who all think the MGN is wonderful and he or she is always keen to ensure this is the case. Occasional tertiary sources will experience a dressing down, but always away from the outside world, so the ever so important façade is unaffected. When in the public eye, the MGN is careful to ensure that the façade is maintained and that tertiary sources are treated in a benign way so that the carefully constructed and preserved façade remains intact and serves its purpose

3. The Upper Greater Narcissist (“the UGN”)

Finally we address the fuel network of the most dangerous of the Greater school, the UGN.

The UGN is very intelligent but not necessarily the most intelligent of the relevant schools. What sets the UGN apart is the level of awareness, his extensive hold on his ignited fury and his intense calculation. He is a Macchiavellian individual, a schemer and a planner. He is rarely impulsive and instead deliberates, plots and plans. He calculates the effects of his behaviours, he considers the ramifications in order to optimise the outcome and conserve energy. Possessed of high energy levels this does not mean that he is keen to see his precious energy squandered. He values the façade but what he values more than anything is his ability to manipulate. He hordes vast intelligence on people, exhibits a fearsome memory and is extremely well-connected. He is grandiose when required but also revels in chicanery, shadowy deals and behind the scenes manipulation. Whilst he admittedly enjoys mass adoration he does not rely on it to the same extent as the MGN does. He moves in powerful circles, can rely on powerful contacts and connections should he so choose and is fearless in his behaviours. He cannot ever be beaten, he must always win and the end justifies the means more to him that anybody else. He is malicious with those who cross him and will readily destroy them, but he is adept at recognising the worth of individuals to his Grand Designs and therefore is not capricious in the application of his formidable destructive powers. Vastly charming but with an edge which has people wary and indeed downright terrified of saying the wrong thing or committing an erroneous act. He is able to convert people to his way of thinking and will do so through the application of charm or threat – he is content to apply one or the other or both – so long as he achieves what he wants. That is all that matters to him. Single-minded, devious and in it for the long-haul, the UGN should never be underestimated.

In terms of his fuel matrix, this is extensive.

a. The primary source is never a family member but instead is an IPPS. He is easily able to attract high calibre IPPSs for the purposes of The Prime Aims and is tremendously effective in sweeping them off their feet. He however needs repeated stimulation and will not suffer fools gladly and therefore the golden period for those who couple with the UGN is likely to be the shortest of all the Greaters. The golden period is however intense and mesmerising. The devaluation which follows is almost always the most unpleasant as through an array of manipulations the UGN will make the IPPS’s life hell. Not beyond the use of sexual or physical violence towards the IPPS but it is extremely rare. Instead it is the psychological games which appeal to the puppet master that is the UGN and he revels in devising traps for the hapless victim to blunder into. The UGN will also continue to hoover in a malign method the IPPS even though she has been dis-engaged from, if the UGN deems it appropriate. The UGN more than any other type of narcissist will commence protracted and nasty campaigns against the removed IPPS. He does so in a way that is high in trickery, she knows it is him causing her this pain but is unable to prove it is, such is the way in which the secretive UGN operates.

b. Familial secondary sources. The UGN is not reliant on familial secondary sources and often has severed ties with several members of this aspect of the fuel network deeming them to be unhelpful or indeed hindrances. Those that are tolerated will be tolerated because they serve a significant purpose to the efficient and effective UGN. His coldness towards his family places them on respectful edge or over the top desire to thaw him out. He is respected for his accomplishments and there is genuine admiration for what he does, but it is always tinged with wariness.

c. Colleague secondary sources. The UGN more than any other kind of narcissist regards himself as peerless and therefore colleague secondary sources really are there purely for his use. He has no concept of loyalty to them and will promote and demote as the situation is required. He is aware of the need for a façade but is not beyond using that façade in two respects. There are those that consider the UGN as brilliant, engaging and marvellous and there are those who are terrified of him but recognise they must obey and comply. The UGN is content to operate such a dual façade as it presents him with considerable benefits. The UGN is likely to hold positions of authority and power with corporate entities, public bodies, the military and politics. He has an extensive network of colleague secondary sources who will be loyal – out of admiration or fear – and he gathers fuel, information and assistance from these extensive networks. The UGN uses blackmail repeatedly within his own business and engaging with those from external businesses. Those that foolishly come up against him, regret doing so.The UGN will have a well-respected public business profile but his best work is done in the shadows as he applies real influence to events locally, nationally and/or globally. It is highly likely that some of his sphere of operation is unknown to those who think that they know him and the UGN has an ‘off grid’ colleague network also.

d. Social secondary sources. The UGN has an extensive social network through his charm and influence. He can easily engage with people and soon have them in the palm of his hand but easily bored and distracted it is only the high calibre who keep his attention for a long time. Hence, his inner circle cabal will be less than half a dozen but his outer circle network will be scores of people. Like the MGN he never struggles for company or fuel from these outer circle admiring friends. The UGN will devastate the life of a social secondary source which crosses him but for the most part he tends to just dis-engage and drop the individual when the UGN is bored and/or sees nothing more to be gained from this person.

e. The IPSS. The UGN gathers numerous IPSSs. Unlike the LGN, the UGN usually ensures that the IPSSs do not know about one another unless he deems triangulation advantageous. Similarly, he keeps them unknown from the IPPS until it suits his purpose to reveal that there is somebody else or, more usually, the suggestion there might be someone else which can be plausibly denied. The UGN attracts IPSSs with ease and requires them for the purposes of his fuel network when devaluation is occurring. He is also able to utilise several IPSSs when he has no IPPS. The UGN will utilise IPSSs in a shelf methodology and pick them up and down as he sees fit. He is swift to apply a corrective devalue to keep them in line and if they will not respond he will dis-engage.

It should be noted that whilst narcissists do operate a double-life this is usually with the IPPS and nearly all others tend to see the ‘good’ side of the narcissist (save where otherwise explained in this article and the first two parts). The UGN more than any other narcissist does operate a double life with a charming and engaging public façade and then a dark and sinister side which is used against the IPPS, familial, colleague and social secondary sources where required and also against IPSSs where required. His malice towards those victims that have been identified of deserving it, is unrelenting, savage and of a calculated degree that is devastating. He is able to call on many others in his fuel network to assist his machinations albeit he is a capable and resourceful individual.

f. Tertiary sources. The public face of the UGN is one where he will be well-known – this might be in industry circles, business environments, a sporting network or entertainment network. He will not be as well-known as the MGN but is not unheard of either. His ‘fame’ tends to be within more esoteric and powerful networks as opposed to mass appeal. Nevertheless, this means that his name (and moreover his reputation) will be known to hundreds of people. These individuals will be treated in a benign way as part of the ‘good’ façade, but the UGN is also known to disincentivise certain tertiary sources for the purposes of a sending a signal. Just like the devaluation of an IPPS, the devaluation of a tertiary source may well be linked to the UGN, it just cannot be proven.

The UGN is well-known and his influence is extensive. He operates a vast fuel network but in contrast to his brother narcissists he also has an extensive ‘dark’ fuel matrix which most people would have no idea about. It is this ability to operate in a double sense and to drift in and out of worlds which makes the UGN so dangerous to his victims.

 

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The Fuel Matrix – Part Two

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THE FUEL MATRIX - PT TWO

As explained in Part One, understanding the fuel matrix for the relevant school of narcissist (with appropriate adjustments relevant to the cadre) allows you to understand how a particular narcissist is likely to respond to your imposition of no contact, dependent on how you fit into that matrix. It also allows you to understand what other competing interests you can expect within this fuel matrix and how the narcissist is likely to interact with these other sources. This part of the series considers the fuel matrix of the Mid-Range School of narcissist.

  1. The Lower Mid-Range Narcissist (“LMRN”)

The LMRN is of reasonable cognitive function. He has no awareness as to what he is. Whilst passive aggressive features are the forte of the Mid Ranger Narcissist, as a lower, he does gravitate towards the aggression of the Lesser Narcissist. This means that when there is an ignition of fury, the relevant victim may well experience the manifestation of physical violence. There is not the blunt fury of the Lesser, but the risk of being punched or kicked is there. The LMRN, when heated fury is ignited, will respond at times by throttling the victim.  There are potential substance abuse issues evident with the LMRN also. He or she will work and have a reasonable job albeit it is unremarkable.

The LMRN relies heavily on people feeling sorry for him or her and this arises either through the manifestation of cold fury, through silent treatments et al or having a temper tantrum as heated fury is exhibited. Unlike the Lesser who will erupt in a volcanic fashion or the Greater who will erupt with a frenzied malice, a calculated application of antipathy which will hurt his or victim, the LMRN is petulant.

Of all the schools and their divisions, the LMRN is most likely to become The Incredible Sulk . He has a fairly low threshold of control on his fury and can either erupt with heated or cold fury and pretty much does so in equal measure, something which is different from the other divisions of schools.

The LMRN has a small fuel matrix. He has little charm, if any, he will have limited financial power and relies on people feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him. The LMRN who is of the Victim Cadre is a pathetic creature indeed. In terms of the fuel matrix, it is as follows

a. The primary source will usually be intimate in nature. There may be occasions where the LMRN will skulk back to his or her parents and place them as primary source but most of the time the primary source will be intimate in nature and is often someone who is a The Carrier Empath to put up with the fairly low energy level of the LMRN and his or her propensity to sulk. The primary source is expected to work and run the house and will be denied much opportunity to socialise as the LMRN will not want that person being away from them.

b. There will be numerous familial secondary sources. Unlike the Lower Lesser or Middle  Lesser, the LMRN is able to maintain reasonably good relationships with his family because he seeks pity and sympathy more than fear and hurt. They will regard him as moody but will put up with it meaning he is able to rely on these secondary sources as reliable. This is necessary because of the point in (c).

c. The social secondary sources will be limited. Lacking charm and generally regarded as sulky, self-centred and something of a mardy arse, the LMRN struggles with creating a significant social secondary source circle. He will have a small number, three or four, inner circle friends with whom he will do most things;

d. The LMRN usually works and therefore will have colleague secondary sources. He will not be held in high regard by them but nevertheless his less volcanic nature means that he will have numerous of these colleague secondary sources dependent on the size of the organisation he works for;

e. The LMRN will have an IPSS when the IPPS is being devalued. It is unusual for him to have more than one and it is often the case that the IPSS will not be recruited from a social setting but usually through work;

f. In terms of tertiary sources, the LMRN will engage with a reasonable number of these sources as he works, he will be out and about in terms of shopping etc and his interactions will largely be benign in nature unless he perceives a criticism and then he will readily erupt in order to draw negative fuel from the offending tertiary source.

2. The Middle Mid-Ranger Narcissist (“MMRN”)

The MMRN has a little charm but his weapon is politeness and behaving in a respectable manner. He or she is well-thought of. The MMRN is not a huge attention seeker and does not exhibit grandiose behaviours. Instead the MMRN wants to be well thought of by everybody. This person is intelligent and is likely to have a good job.

Like any narcissist, the MMRN is hugely sensitive to criticism and the MMRN is more sensitive than most. This is because he lacks the dynamic aggression of the Lesser rf the malevolent charm of the Greater but instead feels constrained by his lack of ability to influence people in a sudden and meaningful manner. This means that the MMRN is an envious individual and is always looking to gain the advantage from covert and secretive means. He throws the figurative second punch (often piggybacking on the behaviour of a Greater although he does not know that this is what that person is). He is two-faced, a spreader of gossip and always looking to get other people to do his dirty work. He is cowardly but will never countenance being called as such. He ingratiates himself with people through his intelligence and limited charm and is prone to repeated pity plays. He is the archetypal architect of the silent treatment in all its forms and heated fury is rare with him. If it does appear, it will be shouting, spitting and slapping. He is an habitual liar, not just in a defensive manner (which is what Lessers and the LMRN do) but in a proactive manner, in order to cause trouble and cajole people into acting on his behalf through the dissemination of gossiping untruths.

The fuel matrix of the MMRN is not extensive but is larger than that of the LMRN.

a. The primary source. Rarely a family member and nearly always an intimate partner. This person will be guilt-tripped into doing everything for the supposedly hard-working MMRN. He will use his façade of being a ‘regular’ guy to keep the IPPS in place. He will unleash repeated silent treatments, blame-shifting and projection to maintain the upper hand;

b. Familial secondary sources.  The MMRN has reliable and extensive familial secondary sources. He is either well-regarded by those of The Coterie who consider him to be a well-brought up son, well-regarded nephew and brother, or as someone who is prone to being viewed as “sensitive” being the unknowing victim’s view of this particular narcissist. Either way the family secondary circle is one which is compliant for the MMRN;

c. Colleague secondary sources. The MMRN has a reasonable sized fuel matrix at work. This is roughly equal between those who consider him a diligent worker and reliable and those who consider him to be untrustworthy and a brown-noser. Whilst the MMRN will make pity plays concerning the unfair attitude of the latter group, the fact remains that he has engagement with well over a dozen people, possibly more dependent on the size of the workplace, all of which who are locked into his fuel matrix.

d. With respect to the social secondary sources, the MMRN does not have an extensive social circle. His matrix draws from the IPPS and the secondary sources through family and work. Lacking the charisma and grandiose behaviours which might draw people to him socially in significant numbers, the MMRN keeps his social circle small with perhaps 4-6 inner circle friends. He will not see these friends with significant regularity but instead does so more through the auspices of organised events, such as dinner parties amongst the groups or attendance at functions.

e. The MMRN will have an IPSS at the appropriate time. He is capable of securing the attentions of two IPSSs through a combination of intelligence and manipulation. He relies, like the LMRN on the workplace being the feeder ground for the selection and cultivation of the IPSS or IPSSs. Somewhat ponderous in nature and also very much aware of his façade the MMRN is careful to keep IPPS and IPSSs very separate.

f. The MMRN will engage with tertiary sources as a consequence of job, social life and general community involvement. Again, his awareness of the façade means that his engagements for the most part will be benign in nature. Should a tertiary source wound him, he is less likely to lash out at that tertiary source and instead more likely to triangulate the individual through the raising of a complaint to the relevant person.

3. The Upper Mid-Range Narcissist (“UMRN”)

This division of the Mid Range school of narcissism is of considerable intelligence. He also has some reasonable charm. People often mistake the UMRN for a Greater. This is because the UMRN has a degree of sophistication, some charm and some calculation. He is rarely physical with his victims and instead he is a master manipulator through the application of silence. Whether it is a steely gaze, a glacial shoulder or ghosting, the UMRN is able to use the silent treatment to the greatest effect. He instinctively identifies victims who find such treatment of being ignored and overlooked especially disturbing. He is also capable in terms of playing people off against one another. He does not have the tantrum behaviour of the LMRN nor the avoidant tendencies of the MMRN, instead he finds considerable fuel in playing people against one another based on petty insecurities. He will use exclusion from a group, be it work, family or social as the stick by which to bring about compliance. He does not hit, he does not threaten but rather he uses the imposition of silence through exclusion as a major modus operandi to achieving what he requires.

a. The primary source. This is nearly always going to be an intimate partner. His attributes and the fact that he will hold a senior or professional position makes him an attractive prospect. He appears lacking volatility since he has a better hold on his ignited fury than the other schools and divisions mentioned so far. He will have decent financial ability. He relies extensively on the IPPS as other narcissists do, but his reliance is not as great as the other schools and divisions touch on.

b. Familial secondary sources. He is generally well-regarded by his family secondary sources and can command numerous of them for the purposes of support and fuel. He is likely to have made an example of one or two and excluded them from the group and no longer bothers with them. Expect therefore one or two black sheep to exist in the fuel matrix of the UMRN;

c. Colleague secondary sources. The UMRN will have a significant work fuel matrix. The UMRN is less likely to be a business owner as he prefers to be part of a large machine, thus as a senior manager in a corporate setting, a partner in an accountancy practice or an academic in a college or university he is able to interface with dozens of people who he will utilise as secondary sources. The majority will regard him in a benign manner, but he will have made one or two enemies within the workplace, again arising from his ability to freeze people out;

d. Social secondary sources. The  UMRN will have the largest social circle of all mid-rangers but it is still not extensive. Work and family provide the bulk of his secondary sources and socially he will have numerous outer circle friends (often drawn from work) perhaps around a dozen and only say two or three inner circle friends who are likely to be long-standing in nature. Outer circle friends will also be lost from time to time through his exclusionary behaviours.

e. IPSSs. The UMRN is capable of operating two or more IPSSs should the need arise. He will carefully keep them separate from one another, deploying the assistance of Lieutenants in ensuring that they do not find out about one another until after the event or if he decides there is something to be served in such triangulation, but this is rare. He has the sophistication and attraction to keep several plates spinning and once people learn about such Casanova behaviour they would be rather surprised by such a revelation;

f. The UMRN knows numerous tertiary sources. He interacts with them as a consequence of his varied involvement in the community, socially and through work. He is most mindful of the efficacy of the façade and therefore is mainly pleasant and benign in his interactions with them as he wishes to remain well thought of. If a tertiary source displeases him, he will not lash out, but again will request their removal as waiter or a change of post man etc from the relevant powers that be.

Part Three examines the Fuel Matrix of the Greater school of narcissism.

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fuel, fuel matrix, lesser, Uncategorized

The Fuel Matrix – Part One

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THE FUEL MATRIXUnderstanding the fuel matrix which is applicable to the type of narcissist that you are engaged with is extremely useful in ascertaining how the relationship is likely to proceed and moreover what you can do about it. If you understand your place within that fuel matrix, you will also gain additional insight into why you are treated in the manner you are and why the narcissist behaves in certain ways.

Naturally, whilst our kind is very similar in many respects there are also subtle yet important differences and one of those differences arises in the way that our fuel matrices are constituted. People who are unfamiliar with our kind and the differing schools and cadres tend to think of a narcissist as someone beautiful, who is self-obsessed and is always preening themselves in the mirror. Whilst that has some applicability to some of our kind, it is not representative. By a similar token, the fuel networks which we establish vary between school.

The Lesser School

Beginning with the Lesser school of narcissist. Recognised through his lower cognitive function, lower control threshold, propensity to erupt with heated fury, aggression and lower energy levels. As you know, there are three divisions within the Lesser School. There are differing considerations applicable to those three divisions.

1. The Lower Lesser Narcissist (“LLN”)

The Lower Lesser is lacking in intellect, a base individual who has limited employment prospects and history. Nothing by way of charm and governs those around him through either naked aggression or being a hapless victim to con some individual into mothering him or her. He is likely to have a reliance on alcohol and drugs, he sponges off people and defaults regularly on debts and the like. He is regarded as a good for nothing by many people, a hapless loser who is an inelegant bully who uses brute force to get his way if Somatic and a pathetic malingerer if he is of the Victim Cadre.

The Lower Lesser will have a small fuel matrix. This most likely will consist of the following:-

a. A primary source. This is not necessarily an intimate primary source. The LLN is more likely than any other school of narcissist to install a family member as the primary source. In some instances this may actually be an intimate family primary source, since incest is being committed. The LLN’s sense of entitlement, very low energy levels and lack of attracting factors, means that he will bully an individual into such a role. By reason of the familial connection the LLN does not need to engage in seduction and therefore he will use aggression to force the victim from being a Non-Intimate Secondary Source into an Intimate Family Source.

If incest is not part of this dynamic, the LLN is still likely to have ensnared a family member as primary source, again because there is no need for seduction and the familial connection is established.

If the LLN has an Intimate Partner Primary Source (not familial) they are unlikely to excel in any regard and will be plain grateful for the attention of the narcissist. Their victim is highly likely to have special traits and be damaged in some way which means their ensnarement was easy for the low energy LLN.

The IPPS of an LLN is the mainstay fuel source for the LLN. He has a heavy reliance on this person because the LLN is unlikely to work and therefore will be around the victim more than usual and also because his fuel matrix is limited (as will be seen). He looks to the IPPS not only for fuel, but of course character traits and residual benefits. He has a considerable reliance on this person and most of his effort will be focused on controlling this person to ensure they continue to comply with his wishes.

b. There will be a small number of familial secondary sources. It is highly likely that the narcissist will have alienated certain family members and therefore they either do not form part of the fuel matrix or if they do, it is purely from the perspective of providing negative fuel as the LLN will consider them as painted ‘black’. Those family members which are painted ‘white’ will be few in number. They will find their relationship with the LLN to be prone to volatility given the very low control threshold.

c. There will either be no colleague secondary sources (because the LLN does not work) or if he does, they will be limited in number, being likely to number only a couple. The lack of charm and ability of the LLN means he is unable to cultivate an extensive network through the world of work.

d. The LLN will similarly only have a couple of social secondary sources as friends owing to the inability to sustain a wider network and his latent volatility so that friends are lashed out at following the ignition of fury and then remain distant from the narcissist, unwilling to be subjected to a further bout of verbal and physical aggression.

e. In terms of Intimate Partner Secondary Sources, the LLN will secure them but there will rarely be more than one. The IPSS is likely to be drawn from a close network (for example sister in law or best friend of the IPPS) again because of the smaller social and familial network which the LLN inhabits and low energy levels which means the LLN will not put tremendous effort into securing new sources.

f. In terms of tertiary sources, the LLN will have a low number of those also. This is because the LLN will either spend most of his time at home or if he works and has some external interests they will be limited in nature and therefore he will not interact extensively with tertiary sources.

The LLN has a small fuel matrix. He risks loss of secondary sources on a repeated basis and will struggle to replace them. The burden placed on the primary source is extensive and in such situations the LLN is likely to keep an IPPS in place throughout a long period of devaluation as he struggles to find a replacement for this person.

The Middle Lesser Narcissist (“MLN”)

The MLN is similar to the LLN but he will have a slightly higher cognitive function, he will have a better degree of control on his fury (whilst still not significant since he is after all still a Lesser). He is a charm-free zone still, aggressive but more likely to have regular employment and a better energy level.

The fuel matrix for the MLN is not extensive however. This will consists of

a. A primary source. Again this is likely to be a family member and if not, the IPPS will be kept in place through reliance on the narcissist and fear arising from displays of naked aggression. The IPPS will be frightened of the MLN which will result in much of the fuel (both positive and negative) being provided out of a sense of obligation and fear. Just like the LLN, the IPPS will be heavily relied on by the MLN.

b. Familial secondary sources will be similar to the situation of the LLN described above.

c. Work secondary sources are more likely than the LLN. They will still be low in number, rarely being more than a half-dozen since the MLN will be regarded with some wariness by those who are regarded as friends who have witnessed (albeit not been on the receiving end of the MLN’s ignited fury) which means they take the view that they are better staying onside with the MLN than being the subject of their notorious temper.

d. Social secondary sources will also be limited in a similar way to that as the work secondary sources. The MLN will go out more often than the LLN, but his interests are not varied and will include certain regular haunts (for instance a local bar, the race track, the gun range, a sporting venue, the gym and so forth). There will be a reasonable turnover of social secondary sources caused by the repeated ignition of fury from the MLN owing to the low control threshold. Those friends who remain friends do so for similar reasons as explained at (c) above. The MLN has some success in replacing those social secondary sources he loses. He will engage with the social secondary sources on a regular basis – for instance one or two nights a week in the same bar, or playing darts or bowls with a similar group. He may draw some respect from elements of the social secondary source circle as a consequence of directing his aggressions against a third party to the benefit of a secondary source. That is purely serendipity for the MLN and not an conscious act.

e. The MLN will have an IPSS, usually just the one, during devaluation of the IPPS. He has some interests and financial clout which gives him a degree of appeal and his swaggering confidence, although based on little, will draw some in.

f. The MLN will have a number of tertiary sources and will regularly draw both positive and negative fuel from these tertiary sources. The MLN is less concerned with the façade (as all Lessers are) compared to the Mid-Range and Greater of our kind and therefore will readily abuse, piss-take and denigrate tertiary sources in the community.

g. The MLN is also likely to make use of intimate tertiary sources as a consequence of one-night stands and the use of prostitutes if he is a Somatic MLN.

The Upper Lesser Narcissist (“ULN”)

The ULN is an interesting division. Whilst in the Lesser category because of the use of aggression (usually physically and sexually) and also having a low control threshold, the ULN is above the LLN and MLN in terms of cognitive function. Indeed his cognitive function would be better than that of a Lower Mid-Ranger and in some instances a Middle Mid-Ranger. However, the use of violence, aggression and the low control threshold mean that he belongs very much in the lesser school.

The ULN is an individual who is not academically bright and may well have left formal education with little to show for it. He is however street smart, savvy and wily. The ULN makes an effective businessman. He will not have the polished charm of the Greater or the cool considered intellect of the higher reaches of the Mid-Ranger, but he as a degree of charisma and is best considered a rough diamond.

He will not be a captain of industry, academic or professional but more likely to run his own small or medium sized enterprise. He is intolerant, driven and bullying but this achieves him success and he may quite well off. He will be disliked by those who hold positions in society, since he lacks the finesse and good manners associated with education and good breeding but his money remains good for many occasions and therefore he will be tolerated (although talked about behind his back) at the golf club for instance. He regards himself as well regarded by everybody in his community, unable to detect the sneers and down-the-nose looks he receives at his crass behaviour. He is direct, to the point and forthright. He is a serial embellisher, stiffs people in business, reneges on arrangements but considers all of this part and parcel of the cut and thrust of dynamic business.

Of all the Lessers, the ULN has a wider fuel matrix.

a. He is far less likely to have a primary source who is a family member. He will have an IPPS and he will use his financial resources to assist him in luring in a suitable individual to become IPPS. There is a risk that the ULN is likely to snare a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist himself, failing to recognise them, as an IPPS. He will rely heavily on the IPPS because ultimately he is a Lesser Narcissist and will ensure this person stays in place through intimidation, the threat of financial ruin and violence (physical and/or sexual).

b. In terms of familial secondary sources, the ULN will have a wider number of these sources than the LLN and MLN but there will be other family members who have fallen foul of his temper and intolerance and they will remain as scapegoats. He will relish the opportunity to draw negative fuel from these individuals and rather than ignore them, he will actively invite them to family events which he hosts purely for the purposes of showing them up and making them a scapegoat. They refuse invitations at their peril.

c. With regard to work secondary sources, if the ULN is employed he will have secured a low management position of some description and will operate through a combination of thinking he is one of the gang but then upbraiding people when his fury is ignited. This makes for a difficult environment for those who work with him. His degree of cunning also means that he will be difficult to usurp. If, which is more likely, he has his own business, then he will make great play of regarding his dozen or so employees as the ‘family’ and he will draw fuel from them repeatedly but always through the unequal relationship that exists since he is the boss.

d. The ULN has a social network of both inner and outer circle friends (the LLN and MLN will only have inner circle friends) . The ULN will use his better financial position and perceived standing in the community to generate more social connections through neighbours, members of clubs and such like and therefore will have a social secondary source circle (both inner and outer circle) of between a dozen and two dozen people. He is swift to discard those he regards as unworthy to remain in it and finds new recruits with comparative ease.

e. The ULN will have one or more IPSSs (especially if Somatic) as again his financial clout will assist him with seduction. He regards himself as attractive and irresistible and possessing a higher energy level than the LLN and MLN he will engage in more social activities and therefore has more hunting grounds for the acquisition of an IPSS or IPSSs when the IPPS is being devalued.

f. With the increased financial clout and his perceived role as community hero, the ULN will engage with many tertiary sources. He will largely appear favourable to them as he has some regard to maintaining a façade but given his Lesser status, aggression and low control threshold he will also relish a degree of notoriety so that people are wary of getting on his wrong side. He will often lash out at tertiary sources given his inability to control his ignited fury.

Part Two examines the fuel matrices of the Mid-Ranger school.

 

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escape, fuel, Hoovering, Uncategorized

Surely That’s The End Yes?

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 surely-thats

“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”

“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”

“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”

“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”

“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”

“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”

Wrong.

There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.

We will.

Why is this the case?

Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.

Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.

Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.

I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.

It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.

The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that

  1. You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
  2. You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.

By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.

If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.

The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –

–         Whether you are a potent source of fuel;

–         Whether you can easily be located;

–         Whether you can easily be contacted;

–         Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;

–         Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;

–         What support networks you have in place;

–         How well fuelled we are;

–         The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and

–         Potential obstacles

All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).

For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.

Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.

You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.

Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.

  1. You can never say never.
  2. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
  3. The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.

The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.

It is never the end but you are not helpless.

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fuel, withdrawal

Fuel, Fight or Flight?

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FUELFIGHTOR FLIGHT?

When you engage with our kind, you can expect one of three responses from us. Whether you are a primary source, secondary source or tertiary source, the way you interact with us will generate one of three reactions from us. This is because those responses are designed, engineered and geared around providing for our needs or preserving our position. There are, as you will read, sub-divisions within those reactions, but there are three broad responses which are applicable to every kind of involvement you have with our kind. Various factors influence which outcome it will be, but it will be one of these three.

Fuel

The most common interaction between us, is one of fuel. If you greet me warmly with a smile and your tone is welcoming, you are providing me with positive fuel. A waitress smiles as she passes me my drink, that is positive fuel. If a colleague congratulates me on a success with a particular client then that is positive fuel. Applause from assembled colleagues provides yet more positive fuel. The way you speak, what you say, how you express yourself and what you do all amounts to fuel. Whether you are a remote stranger interacting with me through the internet, a proximate stranger in a bar who I have started talking to, a long-standing inner circle friend, a family member or my girlfriend. All of you are appliances and your positive interactions – praise, love, admiration, joy, happiness, congratulation, adoration, caring – are all forms of positive fuel. You readily provide them and we regularly act in various ways, some subtle and others not, that provoke you to give us this positive fuel.

There is also negative fuel. Thus if I insult a stranger and he tells me angrily to go boil my head, then that is negative fuel. I may just lap that up from him as I stroll down the road, edified by this dollop of fuel. I may criticise a colleague on his performance so he sulkily defends himself. More fuel. I may ignore a friend’s telephone calls so his repeated texts asking what is wrong gives me more fuel. I may call you names so you cry and thus I gain fuel. Whether it is hatred, jealousy, anger, pain, fear, envy, irritation, annoyance, misery and so forth, these are all negative emotions and thus negative fuel.

As you know from the Prime Aims, fuel is the most important aim that we wish to secure from you.

Most people can grasp why we would want positive fuel from our appliances. After all, who does not want to be loved and admired? Sure, some people may want it more than others, but everybody likes to be well thought of don’t they?

People struggle to understand why we want negative fuel. I have explained before that it is about creating a contrast and also because negative fuel is more powerful because people are more inclined to be pleasant and provide positive fuel (especially those who we target in the empathic group) and therefore it underlines our power when we can draw negative fuel from somebody. Of course, other than tertiary sources, we do not look to draw negative fuel straight away from a primary source or secondary source as if this is done before they are embedded then we will lose them. The positive has to come first.

Often one major revelation for our victims is that we want both positive and negative fuel. They understand why we would want to be admired, adored and loved, but why would we want to be insulted, have somebody angry with us, somebody attacking us in a petulant manner. We do because it is negative fuel BUT this leads to the second category concerning our reactions.

Fight

This is where there is a sub-division when we decide that we are going to fight.

Fight – Challenge

Where we decide to engage you and in effect ‘fight’ you this because you have challenged us. There are two crucial components behind this decision. Firstly fuel provision and secondly exerting control.

Let us take for example that you react angrily to the fact that we have walked in at midnight smelling of drink when we had promised to take you out. Your angry response is negative fuel and is the fuel provision. Although you may be calling us names and thus an ordinary bystander would regard this as criticism, it is not wounding criticism because the name calling and the savage words are wrapped up in fuel.

We might just accept this negative fuel, push past you and head for bed. More usually however we consider this to be a challenge.

You are giving us fuel which is what we want but we want more. We can readily tell there is more to be obtained and therefore we know that if we argue back,  unleash our manipulations and so forth we can provoke you to give us more fuel. This is an instinctive response on our part. Thus we are maximising the fuel provision.

Secondly, although we are not wounded because your critical comments are bound up in fuel, you are still challenging us and this cannot be allowed. We must have the upper hand, we must be in control and therefore we see this as an opportunity to not only gain more fuel from you but to exert control over you. Thus, we strike back.

Accordingly, if having read my work you wonder why on earth we respond in such a fashion that looks like our fury has been ignited, but you know it could not be because your comments are fuel, the reason we fight back and argue, lash out etc is because this is a way of gaining more fuel and also exerting control.

Fight – Fury

The other sub division of the fight category is where you have ignited our fury and we decide to unleash fury against you.

If you have wounded us through criticism (which is fuel free) this will usually (unless control can be exerted) cause the ignition of our churning fury. Your criticism might come from words but more usually it is from actions which wound us in some way. This wound has to be addressed and the usual way is for the ignition of fury.

Fury, when ignited is either heated (shouting, physical assaults, sexual violence, breaking things, name calling, issuing threats) or cold fury (sulking, silent treatments, cold shouldering, glaring).

In either instance the heated fury or cold fury is an instinctive fight response to what you have done, namely you have wounded us. This response is designed to draw fuel from you (which heals the wound) and also to exert control over you again by stopping your criticism of us and forcing you give us fuel instead.

Thus, it is similar to the sub division above but it is different because it is caused by wounding, rather than the instinctive knowledge that more fuel can be obtained and control exerted through a fight challenge.

Flight

The third category is one whereby we withdraw.

This is not a silent treatment (although this may follow). Instead it occurs in situations where we have been exposed to ourselves, to others or criticised so that we are wounded. We may well have had our fury ignited but it has failed to draw fuel and instead you keep wounding us. In such circumstances we have no choice but to dis-engage, withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere to heal the wound, thus avoiding your failure to give us fuel and your repeated wounding.

Accordingly, when you deal with us you either.

1 Give us fuel

2a. Give us fuel but we fight back to gain more fuel and exert control ; or

2b. Our fury is ignited and we fight back to gain fuel and exert control

3. We withdraw – flight.

By way of example, suppose a tertiary source bumps into us on the street and immediately apologises. That is fuel. We may accept the fuel and that is the end of the interaction.

We may decide that this person should be taught a lesson and we can get more fuel from them so we fight back and call them an arsehole for not looking where they are going. This annoys them because they apologised to us. They respond angrily and thus give us more fuel. We keep arguing with them in order to provoke them.

If a person bumped into us and did not apologise, we would regard this as a criticism. This would wound us and therefore there is a risk of our fury igniting. If it does (subject to the control threshold of the relevant narcissist) then we lash out at them telling them they are  a sleep walking turd in order to cause them to give us fuel either by being upset at our tirade, or to apologise or for them to argue back at us because we have insulted them. We gain fuel and this is drawn until the wound heals.

By way of a further example, the IPPS tells us how wonderful we are. This is positive fuel which we accept.

If the IPPS accuses us of having an affair and if they do so in an upset manner, we gain fuel. We will most likely see this as a challenge – there is more fuel to be gained here AND they are telling us what we can and cannot do, so we need to assert control. We will insult them telling them that it is no wonder we speak to other women because the IPPS is frigid. This causes further upset, generates more fuel and also allows us to exert our control.

If the IPPS fails to give us our birthday present early enough on our birthday, we feel criticised. Our fury ignites and we lash out through cold fury or heated fury to gain fuel from the IPPS for the purposes of healing our wound and at the same time this also ensures we demonstrate who is in charge and thus we exert control.

Accordingly, in all your interactions with our kind be aware that what is happening is that you are either giving us fuel, there is a fight challenge or fight fury or we flee. Being aware of these responses provides you with understanding and also enables you to marshal your responses accordingly.

 

 

 

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character traits, fuel, residual benefits

The Prime Aims

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THE PRIME AIMS

I have three Prime Aims.

All of our kind has three Prime Aims.

Our dark and menacing behaviours (even when dressed up as the illusory golden period) are focused on the attainment of these three Prime Aims. They are all that matter. Everything else is dust. We are driven to secure these Prime Aims. They are hard-wired into us, they are sub-conscious requirements in most of our kind and amongst the Greater of our brethren we are aware of the necessity of attaining these three things to ensure that not only do we survive but we also thrive. Everything we do, say and concern ourselves with revolves around achieving these three aims. Nothing else matters.

Do we love you? No. We do not know what that truly is but we will use love or secure our Prime Aims. We will desecrate it through our twisted facsimile of what we understand love to be and use it secure our aims.

Do we want to do good for the disadvantaged around us? No. Yet, if such behaviour will ultimately benefit us through the establishment of a facade which can then be used to further our quest for these Prime Aims then we will become a trustee of that charity or organise a fund raiser for the Orphanage For Unwanted Monobrowed Children.

Do we want to be friends with you because we find your collection of unopened Star Wars figures fascinating. No. We do so because knowing someone with the best collection on the East Coast means that it works in favour of us in terms of attaining the Prime Aims.

Nothing we do is about you. It is all about securing our aims. Admittedly, there will be occasions where we are in alignment and our march with our dark troops by our side to the attainment of the Prime Aims means that you and others benefit. That is pure serendipity and we do not care whether the outcome is good or bad for you, so long as we achieve what we need.

The sooner you grasp and understand that we are focused on securing these Prime Aims and nothing else matters to us, the faster you will be able to formulate your own way to avoid being caught up in their attainment. The Prime Aims and their attainment is the only goal we are interested in and everything else is swept up in the need to achieve them. Children. Job. Home. Wife. Father. Daughter. Friend. Interests. Socialising. Conversations. Money. Status. Manipulation. Connections. Infidelity. Misery. Cruelty. Seduction. Possessions. These and so much more are mere conduits, enablers, bridges to the securing of the Prime Aims.

Never underestimate or fail to recognise the single-mindedness by which our machine like efficiency closes on this goal. You are there to ensure we achieve it. Our faceless Lieutenants and lurking Coterie are there to ensure we achieve it. The secondary and tertiary sources, the facade, the crows, the butterflies, the seduction, the devaluation and the disengagement. The hoovers, oft and repeated or seemingly absent, yet appearing years later are all part of the inextricably linked matrix to achieve the Prime Aims.

So, what are they?

Those of you who have read much of my work will already know what they are, but it is necessary to identify and underline them.

  1. Fuel

The chief Prime Aim. The most important one and the overriding objective of our engagements with everybody that we come into contact with. Fuel is the emotional response provided by you and everybody else, caused by us. It may be indirect, for instance someone smiling at us as we walk by, it may be direct because we have provoked you into crying by calling you names.

Fuel is both positive and negative. It flows from all appliances. It varies in potency dependent on the Fuel Index (see the book Fuel for an expansive explanation of this central factor of what drives our kind) and in terms of its quantity and frequency. Fuel powers us. It quells the anguish and the anxiety, it settles us, it edifies us, it makes us powerful and it causes us to feel impregnable, omnipotent and god-like.

It is our drug. We want it and we need it and it must be provided each and every day and we take it from those that we have established in our fuel network. From lover to lollipop lady, everybody and I mean everybody we interactive with is a fuel appliance. The words you use, the tone attached to them, the inflection in your voice, the gestures you make, the things you do, the expression on your face, the sounds you make – all of these provide us with fuel and it has to be caused by us.

If you are crying over the death of your mother, that is not fuel for us. It is fuel for your mother (albeit she didn’t need it when alive and certainly has no use for it now she is cold in the ground). Those tears are wasted and this infuriates us. Thus we will say something hurtful about your pathetic weeping so that you then cry because of what we have said. Your emotional response then is down to us and we gain fuel.

Fuel is the single most important thing to us. No fuel and we weaken and ultimately enter a Fuel Crisis.

2. Character Traits

We have built a construct. This construct is like a frame and through the gathering of fuel we are able to then power its maintenance and further development. This construct imprisons The Creature. This construct allows us to show the world what we want to see and thus gain more fuel and the cycle repeats.

Everyone we interact with has the potential to furnish us with character traits which we lift and apply to the construct to make it better, stronger, more attractive and more secure. Each piece of fuel is the paste which enables us to place the shards, segments, patches, pieces and elements of character traits onto the construct and keep them there.

If you wish to understand this in greater detail, read my book Fury.

Your interest in insects, a friend’s sporting achievements, a child’s academic prowess, information from a tertiary source about the best restaurant in Barcelona’s gothic quarter, the humorous anecdotes told by a speaker at an awards dinner, the tales told by a grandparent, the intelligence gathered by a colleague and so on, all of those things become character traits which we will take for ourselves and pass off as our own. We want them and need them from those we interact with. Some have nothing to provide and thus they are less important appliances, but others have many and thus your coruscating, dazzling traits when you are a primary source to us become fundamental as part of the Prime Aims.

3. Residual Benefits

Are you well-off? Have a good house? A car? Access to a particular club? Tickets for sought after games? A famous friend? Excellent carer? Brilliant cook? Social magnet? DIY capable? Good income? Respected community member?

We are entitled and we do not recognise boundaries. Your resources are our resources and the more of those that exist and in different forms, the greater the advantage you possess because of these residual benefits.

These vary dependent on the nature of the narcissist who has ensnared you. We may be financially superior and have a large house, but you are well-thought of by people and have an extensive social circle, political connections and the like, thus we want them.

We may have a physical health problem and therefore the fact that you are a nurse practitioner and exceptionally caring results in those residual benefits becoming the foremost ones.

We may have no job and a rampant cocaine habit, so your well-appointed residence and burgeoning bank account are appealing residual benefits to us.

The list of residual benefits is not exhaustive and they will vary from narcissist to narcissist, but they form a further essential part of this triumvirate.

Thus fuel, character traits and residual benefits are the Prime Aims. All appliances are expected to fulfil their obligation to provide us with each element of the Prime Aims, although it is naturally of greater importance concerning the primary source having such applicability.

Always keep in your mind the relevance of these Prime Aims because this will aid your understanding why certain things are said and done by our kind.

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