Violator
We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,
“I like your shirt it suits you.”
You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.
People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.
You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.
By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.
Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.
When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.
39 thoughts on “Violator”
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Trust No Bitch is a lesson I thought I had learned—nope. Now, yes. 🌺
AV,
I’m big on trust too. It takes me a long time to trust someone certainly as far as a partner goes. Even then I don’t give up all. I’ll give a large percentage of trust in the end though.
Thinking about relationships, I’ve never had the lightning bolt reaction. Never seen a guy in a bar or in work and thought, ‘He will be mine!’ My relationships have developed from friendships. I don’t really notice them develop or change either, it just happens over time.
I don’t like the overt romance thing. That would make me back up I think. Friends is non threatening to me. It allows me time to get to know someone before any relationship demands are placed on me. I’ve never had casual sex. For the same reason, if someone makes a move too soon, I’ll back up, laugh it off, tease them about it ( not in a horrible way) and withdraw.
There was one exception. Best Sex Ever Guy. That relationship moved quickly. I saw him regularly as he lived in the apartment below mine. So there were lots of short conversations and then the ‘pop round for a glass of wine after work’ evenings and shortly after we were in bed. He was actually a rebound reaction to start with. He’s the only one where I behaved differently. He’s the only one other than online narc (different set up altogether) that I’m sure was a narcissist. MMRA pretty sure.
It might be a case of ‘forget seeing people as a prospective partner.’ Enjoy a male friend instead. Go places, do things, hang out. You don’t need to give a reason. Just that you aren’t looking for a relationship right now. If he has anything about him at all, he’ll accept that. At best you have far more time to be more sure of someone before classing it as a relationship. Far more time to spot red flags. At worst, you have a close guy friend.
Narcissists move quickly for a reason. They do it so you don’t have time to think. They lovebomb so you are swept up, drawn in and fuel lines are secured straight off the bat. Really to lower risk of ensnarement the key thing has to be to slow the whole process down. It signals ‘hard to control’ and quite honestly most of them won’t have the gumption or stamina to go the distance and put the necessary work in. There are far more willing appliances to be had.
Don’t be too concerned about not being able to trust again just yet. Once the past is properly dealt with I think you might see things differently as a natural response to that. xx
TS, it was good to read your words to AV. With the UK lockdown due to be lifted, people will be meeting up and going out places not long after….. with what we have learned about narcissism (since you & I joined KTN last year) – it will be interesting to see whether narcissists are easier to ‘spot’. I just thought to myself that the whole past year of lockdowns / Tiers etc – I would take as a ‘break’ from people in general while ‘recovering’ and doing my ‘therapy’, so in some way, the pandemic has done me a ‘favour’ (some kind of protection too).
Having said that – I have felt the “lightning bolt reaction” – just the one time.
I agree – get to know someone first before going deeper into a relationship with them. It takes time to trust again and reading HG’s work has given me further insight into how this is achieved. HG can be trusted to guide us all into the right direction.
Hey Asp,
I agree. I’ve found lockdown tough, starved of human interaction and interaction through masks in a way feels even worse. Keep your distance, not too close!
The upside, as you say has been that being locked in for long spells has given the opportunity to really hit the blog hard, read the material, raid the Knowledge Vault and speed up the learning. It might have taken way longer to get to the same level of understanding otherwise. Still a whole lot left to learn of course, but the foundation is in place and it’s a strong one.
Emerging from lockdown I feel entirely different. I feel like me again. I stalled for a while in January, went a very long way backwards in the way I felt, but I think I’ve fixed it now. Not the most orthodox of methods but I still couldn’t have done it without the understanding I got here. By the time things open up in April I think I’ll be back to full strength.
TS, totally get what you say here. Yeah, roll on April….. around the same time as the bunnies running amok, going all rampant…… laughing……
Hi TS,
The trust thing is a challenge. I remember the moment with my ex and the summer narc when I went all in, way way too early! I mean, I only talked to that summer narc for 3 months! I have no clue how to do it well, I do appreciate your input very much, I will read and reread it and take it to heart! Thank you!
TS, sorry, forgot a couple of things. First, I am not big on overt romantic gestures either, they seem fake and now, come to find out, they are. I don’t know why I fell for them with my ex but there was enough there that didn’t hit me as overt that I did.
I have not had any lightening bolts either. I was a bit promiscuous as a young woman and I generally chose, but never for a relationship. For that, they always came along and surprised me. Probably all narcs, ha.
I have never had a guy friend. I don’t even know where to start with that. Or even where to find one, haha! But, I will try. And for 10 years I didn’t even consider a relationship. I am going back to that, it relieves all pressure! Lol!
I will try not to worry about it, thank you for your encouraging comment!
You’re welcome AV. I just read Leela’s description of her relationship with her husband. She is describing similarly.
Men as friends. They’re great! Since teenage years I’ve always had more male friends than women. I think Alexis touched on this too. Women for some reason don’t always warm to me too well. Better as I’ve got older but I struggled with that in my younger years. I think my humour is quite male. I wasn’t a girl’s girl. I’m more comfortable around men generally.
I just thought of something. You said you had no idea where to find a male friend. Well, ha ha, step into my office….
You’ll laugh at this but it’s honestly the best way I have found. I’m considering doing it again actually. Bar job. Just for the social side. It has to be the right bar though. A busy town or city centre bar doesn’t work. Too transient.
The ideal is the quaint country pub, small, nice clientele. The same people coming in. So you chat with the same people. You have the advantage of the separation of the bar. You are working so it’s easy to brush off a stray goon. The upside, you get to know new people. Women tend not to drink alone. Men do. They stop in after work on their own and are happy to chat. It’s slow, it’s controlled, it’s a slow burn. Above all, it’s great fun and great for your self confidence!
I have moved around a lot. Friends are scattered everywhere. I’m seriously considering this myself for the non kid related fun side.
Hm, a bar job. I was thinking…the library? Lol, jk, I will take that into consideration. But, I am going to make sure it’s not any place that is a hunting ground, I am still way too vulnerable, I know this much. Maybe a museum??
AV, ha ha! Ok, not keen on the bar idea then.
We need to take up golf.
‘Ohh, do you think you could help me with my swing?’
You could spot the narcissists with just that question. The narcissists would all back up because it’s a request for help and a threat to their control, leaving the normals and the empaths. The empath would be the one giving you ‘the club I started with that really helped me!’ Ha ha!
TS, last night I fell asleep thinking about your golf suggestion, so excited at the thought, haha, I was very tired. But very excited nonetheless! I love to golf! Thank you for reminding me, that is a sensational idea. I’d gotten away from golf about 15 years ago with all the chaos going on. Thank you so much! Now to get rid of this snow…
AV,
Ha ha. I tried golf for a while. Bloody useless at it!
You are all set AV! If nothing else, you’ll meet some new people and get back into doing something you enjoy.
TS,
Send me your bill!
Lol, really, thank you for the direction, very much!
Haha AV,
I’m just happy we hit on something that you can feel excited about and can look forward to doing. A few lessons with the golf pro to get you up and running again maybe. They can get you involved with other members that are your level, then you have a small group to go out and play with etc. You should be excited, it is exciting!
You bet I’ll be up and running in no time! I have practiced swinging, hitting balls, putting through all this time, not sure why I hadn’t thought of getting back out there. My playing partners were my ex and my dad, both narcs, so it should be even more pleasant now! Haha!!
The last time this article came around I only knew my mother was a narcissist, not my ex or my dad. This time, reading it I thought of my ex and how he abused my trust, as the article says, he disrespected it and treated it like a commodity. He left me a woman who is afraid to have my trust abused again, I feel it is gone, it seems not worth the risk to even try. This is a new thing to realize, it explains 10 years without considering dating even though at the time, I had no clue that was why. I have not been a person who was afraid, it seems almost more like just giving up.
On a different note, today I was talking to my oldest daughter, the one who I believe is married to a narcissist, about narcissism and how narcissists are created, specifically. She was driving and when I said it takes the gene combined with the lack of control environment, she whipped her head over, and kind of laughingly said, “That’s what happened to (her husband)!” I was so surprised to hear her say this, and the fact that she was kind of laughing, I gave her a look of complete horror! When she saw that, her face changed to horror also and she quickly looked away and the conversation was done. It was a moment of transparency, it likely won’t happen again, but, I did get a few of HG’s paperbacks recently and will leave them out tomorrow when she comes to visit. I hope she can make whatever changes she needs to before he affects their children too much. Prior to this happening, I told her about the narc and empath bullets that are available, she thought those were really cool! Her easy acceptance of the whole thing is shocking to me but she does know her grandparents and my ex and can see it with them.
Hi AV, your words “He left me a woman who is afraid to have my trust abused again, I feel it is gone, it seems not worth the risk to even try” – I can resonate with this. I ‘felt’ like that for so many years. It is simply because of a life-time of abuse from a parent, leading to further abuse from others. What I have learned is that I can trust again, I just needed to understand and really look into myself – it’s all psychology related in real terms (the brain controls the body – sending messages here and there – even the instincts / emotions) – in my view – if you get the information into your brain and make sense of it, then I suppose, you can understand more about the human psyche all around. Yet, at the same time, the brain can ‘play tricks with your mind’ – hence HG’s terms ’emotional thinking’ and ‘logical thinking’.
In relation to your daughter’s initial response by laughing – I can understand that. I have reacted / responded like that myself – laughing inappropriately and I will never change that about myself to suit ‘society’s perception’ of how I should “behave”. (Laughing again now).
It is really good to read that you are making headway into opening the mind of your daughter to learn about narcissism and the fact she seems so receptive of it is brilliant because she can teach her children in the future (when the time is right). Sounds like further success of HG’s work. Kudos to him. Also kudos to you for how far you have come 🙂
Asp,
‘Inappropriate laughing.’ You’ve mentioned this before, and when I read it I always am taken back to a morning when I was in sixth form. I walked into the form room and my best friend had saved a spot for me next to him by the radiator. I walked over, dropped my bag and huddled in next to him. I said “Hey”he said, “Hey” and smiled. There was something not right so I asked “What’s the matter? Are you ok?” He looked at me and said seriously, “I’m ok. My grandma’s dog died last night.”
I paused, still looking at him, his face still serious. For goodness sake, I set off laughing didn’t I? I really tried not to, but I couldn’t stop. He looked confused but then he set off too. There we were, Andrew and TS, two peas in a pod, laughing so hard we were holding on to each other, tears streaming down our faces.
We both have our own families now, we went to each other’s weddings. Still close after all this time. Inappropriate doesn’t matter one bit with the right person.
Hey TS, thank you for sharing that. You are absolutely correct – “inappropriate doesn’t matter one bit with the right person”. I miss that type of connection (in person) as it’s been a while – but there is a number of times when the chance happens on here 🙂
I agree Asp, it does happen on here. It’s nice when people know me well enough to know what it is I’m trying to say, or the joke I’m trying to make, even though I might not have done the best job of describing it myself!
Laughing….. yes, I agree – I enjoy it when you are with someone, say in a public place and you both notice the same thing and look at each other and start laughing without saying a word….. guilty as charged on that 🙂
Thank you Asp Emp, I look forward to trusting again at some point. I do trust my children and a few close friends, so it is still in there, just not towards men or my mother. And yes, the brain does play tricks on itself! That is a whole piece of it that I’m just beginning to look at.
I felt so bad to have reacted to my daughter’s laughter the way I did, it was instinctive, if she is remotely thinking this about her husband, it is horrible! And I can’t laugh because I see the heartache she has and that she and her boys will have because of him. The rest of us try to see her when he’s not around, we don’t like him, he’s scary and he is much more dominant than the rest of our family. But, I do understand the laughing at inappropriate times, that happens to me once in a while also, I get embarrassed by it usually, unless the other people in the situation start laughing with me. I agree that society’s perception of what is humorous is flawed, we are humans, we do funny things, we would be better off sometimes if we could laugh instead of other reactions people can have, anger, embarrassment etc.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, much appreciated!
Hi AV, thank you for your response. I understand when you say ‘instinctive’ when laughing – sometimes it’s instant and one cannot always help it (I am laughing now!!).
So, your daughter’s husband…. alright, I now have a better idea of the whole ‘situation’ that is potentially coming – having said that – it is brilliant that your daughter & you are close. HG is the best person to discuss with (if not done already) in relation to the husband – you saying that he is scary & dominant are ‘alarm bells’ and the fact you, daughter & children are vulnerable to that…… (apologies if you already have started to assist).
Laughing is good for you. Don’t be embarrassed. I am here, just like you, to help others like you & me to learn / empower ourselves. Thank you for your acknowledgement x
You said: “A women who is afraid to have my trust abused again, I feel it is gone”
Trust..such a difficult thing to repair. I often wonder the same. Will I ever trust a human being again?
I don’t know.
I fear not.
Years since my last encounter and still, I trust no one.
How many times we can attempt to heal that part of ourselves? How many times can we be violated before we break?
I wish I had a better answer than the doubt I find in my own soul.
Trauma Queen,
I am sorry to hear you experienced the breaking, shattering, of your trust. I wish I had answers for you, and for myself, with regard to the future. It will involve risk taking and I don’t know if it will be worth it. But, I am hopeful that, learning what to watch for, building my support network etc, if the opportunity presents itself once I am in a better place, I will be willing to take the risk. If not, my life is good as it is, it is improving at a fast clip with the knowledge I am gaining here and all will be fine going forward either way. Best wishes, it is difficult, keep talking here as you need, it does help.
Don’t give up, AV. When you are mentally & emotionally in a better place – sometimes it comes along when you least expect it. It’s a choice that you decide to take. Take your time.
Like I said earlier, it is psychological – sometimes people allow their emotions to take over when their mental ‘position’ is not ready.
That is what I did for myself. It is possible. Yes, at times, my ET rises then it goes down again. I think, eventually, you become stronger as you learn to use your logical thinking more. I think it is also more of a matter of trusting yourself as well – easier said than done and I am still ‘telling myself’ those words too – as it has only been 7 months for me….. not long in real terms. Stay strong AV and take your time x
Hi Asp Emp,
Addressing both of your recent comments here to me together. I will try not to be embarrassed by my laughter. It doesn’t happen often, at inappropriate times but I will work on not being embarrassed.
“(apologies if you already have started to assist).” I don’t understand this? No need for apologies, I love discussion and new things to consider! I will take the suggestion to discuss with HG to heart, thank you.
Thank you for the caution to be patient until I am in a better place. You are absolutely right, at the moment I am an emotional mess trying to figure all of this out and personalize it. You, and the rest of the empaths here, are wonderfully supportive and informative and I am grateful for you all, the blog, HG and his time spent with regard to all of this. There is light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes it looks like a tiny, dim pinprick of one only, at other times bright and wide open, it is that ebb and flow that is tiring sometimes. Thank you for your comments.
Hi AV, yes, it can be overwhelming at first and when you begin to understand different aspects in relation to emotional / logical thinkings – it begins to make sense. Going to view the interview video in a mo. Take care of yourself AV x
Thank you A Victor. You have great optimism. That’s wonderful. Truly. It will serve you well.
I’m jealous. I wish i could feel that way again. Every time I think the troll is gone, he pops up again. Worse than a whack a mole. It’s wearing on my hope for a future without him.
Your daughter is lucky to have you. 🙂
TQ, It is encouraging that you pick up on optimism, I do not feel that often right now. But feelings are transient so I try not to put too much stock into them. My optimism has given me some trouble with regard to keeping hope under control, basically banishing it altogether, for the time being anyway.
I have been without a romantic partner for over 10 years, no popping back up from my ex, thank God. Yet anyway, I do understand it could happen, but, as with your whack a mole, I would have to smack him back down if he did! Lol, and it would be no problem for me, he’s just gross to me now. I wish you the best with regard to your situation.
Thank you regarding my daughter, it hurts my heart for her and their children, especially learning more here, about the future of the problem, the hopelessness of it. She is somewhat aware of this also, from our conversations. It is a matter of patience on my part, I’d have her and the kids out of there already if it was up to me.
Thank you for the chat!
Trauma Queen,
Welcome to the blog. You are in the right place to begin putting yourself back together. Xx
Thank you truth seeker. 🙂
I’ve been here awhile actually. 3 years. I’m here for a badly needed refresher.
Ahhh, well then, welcome back ha ha!
It’s nice to know that people come back to base camp when they need too restock on their logic supplies 🙂
Hello Trauma Queen, it can take a long time to trust again. It depends how your trust was ‘broken’ in the first place and who by.
I am copying / pasting part of my comment “What I have learned is that I can trust again, I just needed to understand and really look into myself – it’s all psychology related in real terms (the brain controls the body – sending messages here and there – even the instincts / emotions) – in my view – if you get the information into your brain and make sense of it, then I suppose, you can understand more about the human psyche all around. Yet, at the same time, the brain can ‘play tricks with your mind’ – hence HG’s terms ’emotional thinking’ and ‘logical thinking’”.
Everybody has a different way of understanding / looking at perceptions – whether it is themselves or other people – of situations / experiences etc.
I learned about narcissism and then I started to be able to look into myself (through reading a number of HG’s articles & other comments on this blog).
It takes time, yet you will get there. We are here to help & support each other, including HG.
Hi asp emp. Are you an aspie?
Thanks for the C/P. I am having trouble stamping down the emotional thinking. Good point! I think it’s likely C-PTSD. The trauma in my life has been one piled atop the other.
HGs work helped me so much in the past, brilliant stuff. He’s like a science experiment. I ran around poking him until I figured out how narcissism worked. 😀
Hi TQ, yes, I am diagnosed as one.
Once you understand what ’emotional thinking’ is, you can learn to understand how to manage it better. It is also a matter of understanding yourself as an individual. Everybody is different.
It is, in my view, understanding more about the human psyche (narcissism, empaths, other ‘conditions’ as found under the DSM list etc), quoting myself here “….. By ‘distorted’ mathematics of science. The ‘sums’ don’t add up, yet they are atomically a combination of neutrons and electrons. All because of the neurological DNA that humans have evolved over the millennia because of the environmental factors. Caused by the human race”.
We are all human beings but not experiments of science.
Asp Emp, thank you for replying.
My comment about the science experiment was a feeble attempt at humor. In truth, it was endless months of reading, listening, absorbing, ‘all things narcissism’; while simultaneously dealing with the after effects of a volatile relationship. My own slice of hell.
I hope I haven’t offended you. If I have, I apologize. I meant no harm.
Hi TQ, thank you for replying – I hope things are getting easier for you. No, I was not offended. Good to see you here TQ.