Stargazing With The Shieldmaiden
The Shieldmaiden and me journeyed into the countryside recently. It was a jamboree of navy blue, green and sky blue, with the magnificent countryside all around us. There was nobody to see and nobody to see us. The only sound was that of the beck rushing by our lodge and even that was muted when we rounded the bend from our sanctuary in the mountains.
The cloudless sky that had embraced an unseasonably warm day remain unblemished as night arrived. Following a satisfying dinner, The Shieldmaiden and me extinguished every electric light, lantern and candle at the lodge and then ventured outside as our eyes adjusted to the darkness. The moon was low to the east, having just ventured beyond the horizon and the tree line beneath it, its milky pallor not able to impact substantially on the cloak of darkness which now enveloped everything around us.
We stepped onto the extensive veranda which surrounds our lodge and then lay down on our backs side by side as we looked upwards to the wheeling heavens. The evening air was cool, but not frigid and all that could be heard was the gurgling of the beck a little distance away. The birds and animals had fallen silent and the harsh sound of humankind was absent from this haven. No horns, no engines, no sirens.
Silence.
As we lay there, the vastness of space loomed over us. The shimmering stars from light years away glinted and sparkled for us. Thousands of them, clear and visible, since not only were we free of the noise of humankind but we had been spared the polluting effect of thousands of streetlights and the glow cast from tens of thousands of windows by lamplight, screen glow and flashing neon. The night sky was untainted by the construct of humanity and instead hung over us as it has done for billions of years prior to our appearance.
The Shieldmaiden said nothing. I remained silent as I lay there and stared up at the sky. Ursa Major was immediately apparent and within it The Plough or as our transatlantic friends would label it, The Big Dipper. My eyes lowered and I looked upon the constellations of Leo and the Lynx which nestled beneath the large bear. As I turned my head I could see the Milky Way, like some stellar smear across the centre of the sky, ranging across nearly the whole of my field of vision as I looked across tens of thousands of light years of space from my vantage point on the top of this mountain.
I thought of how I was able to see all of this from my position on the rooftop of the region and that far away and far below me scurried the minions, the underlings and the tertiaries and how unaware they were of the brilliance and majesty which spiralled above them. I felt a sneer of contempt form on my lips as I contemplated the ignorant hordes who would be staring at pavement, turf and foam rather than lifting their heads and drinking in this vista. ´Twas ever thus. They always look the wrong way. That is why they never see me coming. Even those that broke with convention and rejected a lifetime of shoe-staring would only see a tiny fragment of what The Shieldmaiden and me were looking at. They would, if fortunate, see some of the stars, maybe a part of a constellation but their view would be obscured by the light pollution, ruining the spectacle and reinforcing the fact that they would go through life without true vision and clarity. My thoughts of their frustration and resentment if they were told of what they were missing caused that pulse of power as the Thought Fuel arrived, landing on the far more potent and plentiful Proximate Fuel which The Shieldmaiden had been providing throughout our visit.
“It is truly spectacular,” said the Shieldmaiden softly besides me. Her clear and elegant voice gently intruding into my contempt-filled thoughts and scattering them. The dispersal of those thoughts however was rapidly followed by that sharp shard of envy for she was commenting on the stars and heavens above, her fuel was directed elsewhere and whilst her tone was that of admiration and delight and her words appreciative, they were not aimed at me. This was a waste. Yet this was not the occasion to bridle with her, not at all. Her fuel needed to be mine, but I would not lash out, there was no need.
“Yes it is, absolutely majestic,” I replied as I readied my comment to draw fuel from her.
“And can you see Jupiter? Over there. Can you see that bright “star” that is Jupiter, to the south-west,” I explained and raised a hand, extending a finger pointing to the giant of our solar system.
“Where is it please?” she asked and I felt the flames of fuel rising again as her words of enquiry directed to me, because of me and I sat up.
“Sit between my legs,” I instructed and she too sat up and shuffled into position, her back pressing against my chest, the outside of her thighs, brushing against the inside of mine. I placed my chin on her shoulder, the light fragrance of her shampoo detectable from her long, blonde hair and I raised my arm around her.
“Follow my finger,” I said and waited as I pointed to Jupiter.
“Ah, yes I see it. I love how you know what is where in the sky, but you have always loved the stars and planets haven’t you?”
The positive fuel splashed over me.
“Oh yes, ” I confirmed edified by her validation of my direction and her remembrance of what I had told her previously.
I felt her lean back into me and I recognised that this once again signalled her ease and comfort with me. I felt the instinctive bristle against this closeness but the presence of her fuel enable it be surmounted and I allowed the contact to continue.
“And now, if you follow my finger, I will take you to Saturn,” I explained. She gave a short, warm laugh at my interplanetary finger and more fuel washed over me.
“You should bring your telescope next time, HG, so we can see the moons and rings,” she suggested.
“Absolutely,” I answered.
We both fell silent as I lowered my arm and she remained still, nestled between my legs and leaning against me. She moved slightly, as if to ease herself even closer to me and this act of affection caused once more the fuel to be mine. Her I sat, her god, presiding over the galaxy. Entirely apt.
“What do you feel when you look at this?” she asked me.
I did not answer immediately. This gave the impression of gravitas and due consideration to her question and was a useful collateral consequence of my pause. The fact was that my delay in replying was not borne of conveying such importance, although of course I would claim that it was, but it arose form my consideration as to what to tell her.
Should I substitute knowledge for feeling and allow the literary splendour of my educated mind to fill the gaps occasioned by what I am? Should I plug hole with adjectives and poetic observation? Should I address the chasm with the acquisition of the described feelings provided by others that I had heard, seen and read, claiming them as my own?
Or should I provide my reality?
Should I tell her that my feeling for the vista was as empty as the space between the stars that shone above us? Should I tell her that it was the minions that made me feel, even if only slightly?
Should I tell her why the stars continue to matter to me not because of a feeling, but because of a historic significance or would that shift too much power from me to her?
Should I tell her that it was her that made me feel more than anything – namely power?
29 thoughts on “Stargazing With The Shieldmaiden”
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Dear HG
HG do you stay faithful in the beginning golden period with your Primary Source ? , with my experience there was always others in the background no matter how great things were .
I had my strong suspicion and even evidence, but I actually gaslighted myself .I knew but I didn’t want to know really.Self denial .That’s how strong my addiction is .
But then I was a secondary source not a primary source.
Kiki
Yes, I do.
Great minds think alike, JB!
Indeed! 🙂
Are you still together, HG?
You could always tell her she makes you feel powerful – it’s the truth, and she might see that as a compliment?
HG, is the Shieldmaiden still your IPPS?
I don’t have IG, so I’ve no idea.
Let me qualify this … is she your current IPPS? (since she could still be IPPS as in former IPPS).
Inquiring minds would like to know, if you are willing to tell us, of course.
HG. I remember when you wrote this and asked your readers to guess at what you said back to her ? Then I don’t think I ever saw anything about the shield maiden again …or very little .
HG, it would be lovely if you met someone that you allow to love you for the real you, the brilliant parts (powerful, wise, sage, ambitious, desirous of leaving a legacy, etc.) as well as the darkness hidden so well. I understand for you to feel “love” threatens your control… so perhaps it is not possible… but maybe one day, someday, (maybe she is with you now?) maybe you could allow yourself the adventure of giving yourself truly to another just to taste and see what it’s like…. just so you know. If you don’t like it, you could always decide it is not for you. Just a thought. Us empathetic types always root for a good love story. Maybe the fuel of true genuine love for the real you, as opposed to fuel for the facade of you, would be the best fuel yet?
WOW.
LG,
Since he is a narcissist and a psycopath, it is no that he doesn’t want to try to truelly fall in love, it is a feeling he just doesn’t experience, you know, just like we can’t see UV rays no matter how willing we are, we just don’t have a sensorial capacity to see them, i think it is the same for him, even if he is aware of his condition he can do nothing about it.
As for the Shieldmaiden the only good moment to tell her the truth is before she becomes inlove with him, and that is out of the question since he can’t afford to risque not securing his fuel, and telling her at any other point will just add more pain. If he tells her that he is a narcissist during the golden period, she might not fully grasp how bad the situation she is in, and dellud herself into thinking that by loving him more and trying to accomodate him it will work, and when devaluation occures she will fall from a verry hight place, because in addition to the pain of his abuse she will have a feeling of faillure, and if he tells her what he is during devaluation she will feel betrayed and think of all the good moments they spent together and feel foolish for believing that illusion.
At least it is my oppinion, i wouldn’t want to know that my abuser was a greater, if they tell me after we break up i will feel stupid, and if they tell me when i’m with them i will either not trully get it ( prior to knowing about narcissists) or feel bad for leaving them for the essence of what they are.
Liza:
Other than your first paragraph, I disagree with your comment.
She should be told the truth now. She loves him. She will forgive his lie/withholding what he is. She will accept him for who/what he is. She is a strong, smart, successful woman. I believe she would want to know the truth rather than live in a comforting lie, just as I would.
He can’t change what he is but he is in therapy to become more “pro-social” and hopefully he will succeed in making that change.
The number one fundamental rule here guys is that a narcissist will not change .
I think it’s something important we need to fully grasp , even in HGs case with SM , there will be no riding off into the sunset with love that is the emotional thinking that leads us down a dangerous slippery slope
Kiki
Hi Kiki:
I understand you were not directing this solely to me.
In my comment I was only addressing her being able to forgive him for his initial lie/withholding his NPD due to the fact that she loves him. Not that her love can cure him (it can’t) or if their relationship would last. I have my doubts about that, but hopefully there will be a new dynamic.
I simply believe she is entitled to the truth and being an empath it’s likely she will forgive him for that.
All truth reveals itself in time, anyway. It is only a matter of time before she will know the truth and the comfort of the lie will end. Unless he is able to sustain the golden period indefinitely. Even then, the truth is always best.
Thank you for your thoughtful explanation, Liza. I am still working through the process to decrease my emotional thinking, using HG’s materials of course. I am a work in progress. In my sitch, i still love the LMRN who i am in no contact with now. I saw his darkness from the beginning and i love all of him, both darkness and light. So it is possible to truly love and accept someone as a whole, both positive and negative. But I do understand your point. Thanks.
@LG
Read more material about how he’s treated his ex’s and the sick sad reality of narc life will hopefully smack you the face and if you don’t feel/think any differently then I would worry
There was a recent moment on The Blacklist where Red told a woman he had met in the park that he was an international criminal on the Most-Wanted List. Of course she thought he was joking.
That’s it in a nutshell. (I LOVE The Blacklist!)
njfilly,
I think i got what you mean, but i’m afraid that i’m not as optimistic as you are
For me the fact that he is in therappy to be more pro-social means that he just learns to adjust his behaviour, but he still will not love me, he still will not get attachet to me, i will always be considered an appliance, and i will always be the IPPS n°xxx and knowing all those things means that i will never be able to feel at ease, if i love someone and i’m in a relationship with them, i want them to bear the same feelings for me and not performe a certain role for me.
And if i am already in love and he tells me what he is, i will feel stuck, 1_ i love him so knowing he is a narcissit wouldn’t make me unlove him in a seconde 2_ now i konw that he doesn’t love me and wil never do, so i can’t stay with him 3_ i would feel horrible having to leave him for being who he is, i mean a lesser or a MRN wouldn’t know why i left them, i can tell it because of the cheating the lying ext,… a behaviour, but a greater would know that i left them for being who they are, i know they most likely wouldn’t care and bring in the IPPS n°xxx+1 but i don’t want to have to leave someone that knows that i left them for the verry essence of what they are.
All those words to say that at best i would not want to be involved with an aware narcissist, and if i end up being inlove with them, i don’t want them to tell me that they know what they are doing, either pretend forever or just leave me at somepoint and that’s it.
LG,
You are welcom ^^ and also give time to yourself and you will overcome your feelings for that person, it seems verry hard at first but it will become easier with time and knowleage, so hang in there !
Violleta,
we can do exeptions for fictional characters, if tomorow Kuroro Lucifer comes to sit next to me and tell me that he killed hundreds of people, i will answer something like ” i’m sure they deserved it ” and i will start planing our honey moon, i’m sure he would love Roma.
Hi Liza:
I think my comment got misunderstood.
I don’t think her love can change him or make the relationship work. I was addressing only the initial lie about what he is. Of course, I only assume she will forgive him for that initial lie based upon her being an empath and the fact that she now loves him, but the situation has many problems that cannot be resolved, but at least she will be aware of them, and will be able to direct her own life based upon the accurate facts. She should have been told the truth initially, but since she wasn’t, I believe she should be told now. The sooner the better. I believed this when I first read this article and I still stand by this belief.
I am a proponent of the truth. In fact, it is a particular pet peeve of mine when people think they can decide for others what truth people should know and when they should know it (in instances not specifically related to a narcissistic dynamic and related to adults).
I don’t believe in lying or withholding truth to spare somebody’s feelings. I think it is very presumptuous, condescending as well as controlling, on the part of people, however well meaning, to decide whether or when a person should know the truth about an aspect of their own lives. As if the person is not strong enough to know the full truth of their lives. As if the person is a child and needs a keeper of information to decide when and how it should be doled out to them, in little increments to spare their feelings, spare them facing a difficult truth, or whatever is the purpose.
An example of what I am trying to explain above is a particular situation I was involved in many years ago. My boss was on vacation and his dog died. The ladies in the office decided not to tell him until he returned so as not to spoil his vacation. I was the only one who disagreed with that. I don’t think it was their place to decide when he should be told. He was an adult man who didn’t need to be shielded from the realities of life by these women. It was his life and his dog. He had a right to know the exact truth about what happened. I put myself in the scenario and I know I would never want to be spared the truth in this way. Then when I returned from vacation and found out my beloved dog had been dead for a week. I would think about where I was and what I was doing when it happened and how my right to know was taken from me. I was deprived of being able to appropriately grieve the loss, as well as make the final arrangements, as since a week had gone by, all that would have been done in my absence. All the “adults” handling the situation for me because they decided what I should know and when. They do not have that right to withhold details of my life. I am vehemently opposed to people doing this in any circumstance. I told my friends at that moment never to do this to me. Then I imagined that my grief would be amplified when I returned, not lessened. I understand I may be alone in my opinion. Where I could have used my vacation to think about and remember my pet instead, I would return to the shock of the reality that was kept from me. Even though people do this out of concern, and they believe they are doing the right thing, I completely disagree. I could go on and on about this, so I will end it here.
As to your first paragraph, yes, I agree.
As to your third paragraph, “All those words to say that at best….I don’t want them to tell me that they know what they are doing, either pretend forever or just leave me at some point and that’s it.” Really? You would want them to pretend and never tell you, or never know the truth? I would never want this for myself, but I understand what you are saying. I can only assume SM would want the truth as well.
As to when is the best time to reveal this, that’s a tough situation. Not being a narcissistic psychopath myself I’m not sure when during the dating process is the appropriate time to bring this up. Now that they are intimately involved for some time, I also don’t know how this could be done, but I offer the following scenario as an example:
HG: “Our holiday is booked, and we are confirmed for the 4th”
SM: “Lovely. I am looking forward to it.”
HG: “Would you pass the cottage pie, please?”
SM: “Certainly” (passes cottage pie)
HG: “Thank you”.
**mumbles in low muffled voice- “Woman dating narcissistic psychopath says what?”
SM: “What?”
HG: “Excuse me?”
SM: “Oh, nothing. I thought you said something”.
HG: “Such delicious cottage pie. Full disclosure achieved and covenant accepted.”
SM: “Oh, HG. You are such a comedian. The funny things you say!”
HG: “Yes, my darling. I am many things.”
**proceeds to swipe the dishes off the table with one arm, throws SM onto the table and makes passionate love to her.
It’s possible it could go something like that.
Hello njfilly,
Let us put the Mr.HG and the Shielmaiden aside, and imagine that you are dating someone, they seduced you by presenting a certain personality that you liked, you are now deeply attached to that person who t’ill now only showed you a chrming, inteligent and caring side, and someday they tell you that they are a narcissitic psychopath, will you be able to feel gratfull to them for being honnest with you? I prsonnaly wouldn’t want to be told at that point because it is too late.
And if for some reason he decided to try and control his behaviour and never hurt me, then i don’t want to know who he is, because if i know i will be h24 stressed and anticipating the moment he will start abusing me, i wouldn’t be able to behave normally because i would be trying to avoid wounding him and i’d be suffering even if he never does anything to actually hurt me, so staying with him is not a viable option but leaving him for telling me the truth would make me feel like i abondoned him for being himself, and it is a sitution i really don’t want to have to deal with because knowing myself i will freeze, feel helpless, and get depressed within a few weeks.
I would have said nothing for the dog, if the dog was ill i would tell him because he can interrupt his vacations and come to his side, but if the dog is dead i see no need to give him such a sad news while he is away and can do nthing about it. As a rule, i want to know about things when i have agency and the possibilty to make a change, and i tell people about problems they can avoid or fixe, i hate free pain.
PS: the dialong made me laugh, it is a cute scen.
Hi Liza,
Thank you for your response. It’s an interesting scenario.
In response to your first question, I can’t say gratitude would be my first reaction. I would probably be upset about the lie. I always prefer being told the truth, but I would consider how difficult it might be to be honest, given the situation, and yes I would forgive him. My second response would be gratitude for having been given the truth. Now I can deal with the situation, having all the facts, and make my own decision. I always prefer reality and the truth. I don’t think I would leave him having learned about who/what he is. If he can control his behavior, then fine. If he begins abusing me I would tolerate it as much as I am able. If it became intolerable, I would leave due to his behavior and the abuse,
Regardless of whether I know, the fact is that he is a narcissistic psychopath, and his behaviors will eventually reflect that, so prolonging my knowledge of the truth serves no purpose for me. I will have to deal with his behavior and our reality. Even if he would be able to sustain the golden period indefinitely, I would still want to know. As far as walking on eggshells so you don’t wound him; if you are dealing with a narcissist you are likely doing this anyway trying not to upset them, but you don’t know it’s because they are a narcissist. When I dated a narcissist, I told him he was difficult, and he agreed. Eventually it got old and I said to him “You’re very delicate, aren’t you? Like a hot house flower”. He didn’t like that and got very angry at me!
I am bi-polar, and I struggle with this myself. When do I tell a potential partner? When do I bring this up? I have found the best time is after the second drink and before the appetizer is served when he’s getting a good buzz from the alcohol and hasn’t eaten yet. Ok, that was a joke. But seriously, it’s a difficult truth to reveal. I don’t find it necessary to throw all my cards on the table on the first date, or even the second or third. I wait to see if we are compatible in other ways, and will we continue getting to know each other on a deeper level. If yes, then eventually I reveal this. I have never had a man refuse to date me or break up with me due to this information.
I understand, though, we are all different and what works for me might not work for others. I am surprised, though, that you would rather not know. I assumed all empath truth-seekers want the truth. Are you an empath? Have you had the empath detector consultation? Perhaps I shouldn’t assume that SM would want the truth, but it’s all just discussion anyway.
Regarding the dog, I disagreed with them, but I didn’t push the issue. I understood they meant well for him, but I let them know I would not want this done to me. I often stand alone in my opinions or have the minority view. I’m ok with that.
I’m glad you liked my HG/SM scene!
Ok. But this. This was hilarious 😂😂😂
Thank you! That’s probably how it will happen.
NJ Filly,
That did make me giggle! Why cottage pie? Just thinking about the thought process there ha ha! ( rhetorical).
I’ve thought about this too on various occasions. I think it is normal for us to want the best for HG. We’re wired that way. He has through his work hauled us out of our respective dark places. Given what we are, we like to imagine him happy. That’s our perspective though. Love and happiness is important to us and it’s very difficult to imagine those sentiments not being a priority.
I agree, honesty is the only way to achieve an enduring relationship. It would have to be right from the get go. How do you achieve that? You can’t announce you are a narcissistic psychopath on the first date. There wouldn’t be a second. You can’t suddenly announce it six months in to the relationship because then you weren’t honest from the start. The only slight possibility would be with the candidate IPPS. This individual already knows HG, already will have feelings of friendship loyalty etc. Honesty at this point with an individual in this position in the fuel matrix is in my mind the best chance at being honest from the start.
The thing is though, I wouldn’t risk it in HG’s position. If you have never experienced love or happiness then you can’t miss it. If you are effective in what you do, stable, functioning well, taking pleasure from your success and intelligence etc, logically you wouldn’t risk that for some amorphous feeling you can’t visualise. Particularly when relinquishing control brings with it such risk to your whole psychological structure. Honestly, I wouldn’t risk it either. Our perspective colours everything, it makes us want the same for HG. He doesn’t feel the way we feel, his perspective has to be different.
A more pro social approach. This is realistic. HG has the fuel matrix to support developing this. He has the understanding of NPD, the understanding of empaths, he is more than capable of forging a new way to live with NPD. That would be a legacy in itself. I still maintain SM was selected for a reason. I have faith that HG can find a way to maintain the control he needs without causing the harm he has done in the past. I can see ways this might be achieved. If I was wishing something for HG, I think this might be what I could realistically wish for.
“If he begins abusing me I would tolerate it as much as I am able. If it became intolerable, I would leave due to his behavior and the abuse,Regardless of whether I know” and THAT is the problematic part for me, if he tells me what he is, leaving him means i punished him for being honnest, and staying with him is a silent consent to potential abuse, because if i leave when the abuse starts, it would feel like i abondoned him, that is why knowing is problematic.
I might sound cynical but i thik that if a greater tells you what he is, it would be a calculated move and emotional hostage keeping, it would be their way to get you to signe a contract in wich you accept to be abused, and the second you complain you will be reminded that he told you the truth and you accepted him. Mr.HG always says that telling people what he is would be a transference of power, so if a greater accepts to relinquish the power of knowlege, it will only be to gain greater power and control and certainly not for the sake of a pure and honnest love story.
I undertand that you can’t unpack all your life on the first date, and there are things that you would tell only to a person you are close to, i will not comment on your bipolarity because i have actually a verry shalow knowlege about it and i’m not even sure if the sources are trustworthy so i don’t have a precise idea on how much your partner would be affected by it, but in the case of a gretaer narcissist, they know that they mean trouble to me so the only kind thing they can do is stay away from me, but in the other, hand i understand that they need fuel so to keep the game faire, don’t tell me who you are, if i figure you out you half lost and i’m out, in the meantime enjoy your fuel, but don’t try to recruit me do help you abuse me.
I don’t know if i have a truthseeker trait, i get curious, but generally i don’t like getting involved and i feel burdened by secrets, i keep them but i feel upset with the person who told me.
Interesting comment, Liza. As to your second paragraph, I agree that if a greater tells you, it is a calculated move and not done out of honesty or love.
I definitely disagree that NOT revealing who and what they are is “keeping the game fair”. It’s withholding an important piece of information, which information would reveal an issue related to the interaction between the parties, whether it is known or not.
I still believe SM deserves to know the truth. Not for the benefit of Mr. HG Tudor, but for her own benefit. It would be an interesting dynamic, and I would be very curious to hear the results. I believe it would be the first time for that to happen.
Your last paragraph is very interesting. I am a good secret keeper and I never reveal what I am told in confidence. I agree that sometimes it is a burden keeping other people’s secrets, particularly if you are put in the middle in some way. However, if I am involved and the secret relates to me, or I will be affected in some way by the secret information, than absolutely I want to know. I want to have all the facts all the time.
Thanks for the discussion, Liza. It’s an interesting and complex issue.
Have a great day! See you around the blog!
Thank you njfilly, i enjoyed discussing the subjet with you a lot.