Cheers! Alcohol and the Narcissist
Alcohol is a pervasive drug. A Bloody Mary prior to lunch, a liquid lunch to conduct business, afternoon drinks because it feels like skipping school, drinks straight from work which turn into a session, celebratory drinks for a birthday, a deal done well, an anniversary or just because it is Friday. Drinks at the golf club, prior to the big game, at the BBQ, at the funeral wake, a night cap, a toast, a cheeky snifter before heading home, one for the road, a hair of the dog to shift the hangover. Drink is everywhere and is deemed socially acceptable despite the misery that its excessive consumption causes.
What part does alcohol play in the narcissist dynamic? I do not mean the occasional drink with an excellent meal or the social beers in a bar with friends, the regulated and moderate drinking which does not bring with it problems. I am referring to alcoholism, where there is a reliance and a dependence on alcohol. How does that factor into the narcissistic dynamic?
At the outset it is necessary to distinguish between the alcoholic who is a not a narcissist and the narcissist who is an alcoholic. This is important because narcissism and alcoholism actually share similar traits.
– There is the deceit that is involved in engaging in excessive drinking and engaging in narcissistic behaviour;
– Both have sufferers who lack any insight that they have a problem;
– Both require the manipulation of other people to achieve their aim. The narcissist manipulates to gain the Prime Aims, the alcoholic manipulates to drink.
– Both engage in telling lies on a repeated basis about what they have been doing, where they have been, how much they have had to drink, whether they have had a drink;
– Both result in selfish behaviour;
– Other people find themselves being put second on a repeated basis to the needs of either the narcissist or the alcoholic;
– Both engage in switching behaviour, being pleasant and likeable one moment and then suddenly abusive; and
– The pursuit of the end game (fuel/drink) becomes the sole concern of the relevant individual
Accordingly, the behaviours of the narcissist and the alcoholic appear most similar. The alcoholic may present with narcissistic traits (as described above) but a sober alcoholic will see the appearance of those narcissistic traits reduce to reveal that he or she is an alcoholic but not a narcissist. The imposition of the need to have a drink/becoming drunk serves as an external stressor which reduces the emotional empathy of the non-narcissist alcoholic, so that their narcissistic traits (selfishness, anger, lack of honesty etc) come to the fore. This results in unempathic behaviours but they are linked to the imposition of the external stressor and the reduction of emotional empathy, not the absence of emotional empathy and the need for the Prime Aims which the narcissist needs. The addition of alcohol to this individual causes them to become narcissistic but they are not a narcissist.
The narcissist however who is also an alcoholic may stop drinking but the narcissism will remain. Indeed, there are many occasions where a victim will realise that they are involved with an alcoholic but they will not realise that this person is actually a narcissist who is also an alcoholic since alcoholism is far more readily identifiable than narcissism.
Narcissism leads to alcoholism. Not in every instance. I am not an alcoholic. I like to drink, in fact I enjoy it very much and I can consume significant amounts but I do not become blind drunk because I do not want to lose control. I have seen the narcissist who is an alcoholic and that is my Uncle Robert. His aged frame and bitterness are a clear testament to the aging that comes with a lifetime of downing his first gin and tonic at 11am and not stopping until the stupor arrives sometime after 9pm. Watching him as I was younger, observing his behaviours arising from his drinking (and later understanding that this was a layer upon his rampant narcissism) this served as a useful warning to me to ensure that I used drink for my purposes and did not allow it to consume me. I am fortunate I have that self-control and discipline, since many of our kind do not.
Alcoholism is a symptom of a certain mind set and narcissism is a mindset which lends itself to alcoholism occurring. Narcissists are creatures of addiction. We are addicted primarily to fuel. This is our drug, but being this way also means that we have a susceptibility to other addictive behaviours. This is why we engage in taking recreational drugs, shop with complete disregard for the financial repercussions, engage in workaholism, gamble and drive like maniacs. Not all will be present but there is a propensity for our kind to engage in these kinds of behaviour because of our vulnerability to addiction.
The traits of our narcissism lend themselves to fostering alcoholism. Not only are we prone to addictive behaviour per se, the existence of these traits means that we become even more vulnerable to alcoholism occurring.
- Our magical thinking, our sense of superiority and omnipotence means that we believe that we can deal with alcohol better than the “little people”. We can drink more, we can handle that drink better and we can drink all manner of different types.
- The broad range of types of alcohol, the rich and varied culture that accompanies appeals to us as we show off our knowledge about it. The Cerebral Narcissist can boast about his extensive knowledge about particular wines or whiskies. The Somatic can brag about how much he has spent on a magnum of champagne and the Elite will do both.
- Our hunting grounds for our victims invariably involve the consumption of alcohol. The Somatic Narcissist who find his prey in the night club and amidst the chrome and neon lights of upmarket bars is going to be exposed to alcohol repeatedly.
- Our lack of accountability means that we can drink when we want, with who we want, where we want and we do not suffer the consequences. We can drink at lunchtime before making a presentation and believe we are immune to any such repercussion. We will take the wheel of a car having consumed alcohol because the laws are not applicable to us. We will not suffer any downside from drinking, we are a super man and able to cope with the toxins we are pouring into our throats.
- The desire to be centre stage. The provision of alcohol acts (at first) as an accelerant to our grandiose behaviour, our sense of showing off and performance and therefore slugging it down as we hold court in a bar, show off with our dancing and engage in our flirtations all assist ensuring that we are at centre stage and remain there.
- Blame-Shifting One. You make us drink. If you did as we wanted you to, then we would not be forced to have to drink to numb ourselves from the tedium that you cause. If you loved us properly we would not embrace the bottle. It is your fault that we drink so much.
- Blame-Shifting Two. The repercussions and consequences of drinking are your fault as well. If you had not made me leave the car after I had been drinking, it would not have a got a ticket. The final warning, I received because I was drunk on the job was down to you making me go into work because we need the money (even though you begged me to stay at home). Our abusive behaviour to people when drunk is down to you making us that way. You should have stopped us.
- Refuge. The consumption of alcohol by our kind allows us to take refuge. The Mid-Ranger who is innocuous turns into a raging Elvis impersonator as his grandiosity soars through the repeated application of drink. Drinking allows our kind to become ebullient, impressive and charismatic as it bridges the gap between what we really are and what we want the world to see. Alcohol removes the shackles which this cruel world seeks to impose on us and allows us to be who we want to be and who we want the world to see. We are freed of the fear of rejection since nobody can resist us when we are buoyed by this alcoholic uplift. The whisperings of the Creature are momentarily silenced by pouring another glass. How marvellous alcohol is to allow us to be what we want to be and to take away all the other concerns, limitations and problems that plague us. Alcohol acts as a fuel substitute and this is why certain narcissists with limited fuel matrices and/or malfunctioning fuel matrices will turn to drink as it acts as a fuel substitute, but it is a short term solution and one which cannot be relied on for a significant period of time. There must be the return to a properly functioning fuel matrix and if not, then the fuel crisis beckons.
- Removal of the mask. The lower functioning of our kind find a sense of relief in no longing needing to adopt a mask but rather allow the mask of alcohol and drunkenness to enable them to show what they are really like as there is the temporary removal of the repercussions of rejection and criticism.
- Alcohol is a fuel enabler. It allows our kind to become better and more brilliant and in turn gather the fuel with greater ease, whether this is through impressing someone with confident conversation, sparkling wit and repartee or the descent into abusive behaviour as time wears on and the drink mounts up.
The fact that so many traits of ours are geared towards the consumption of alcohol and the fact that this consumption enables us to achieve our goals with greater apparent ease added to the fact that we have an inherent susceptibility towards addiction for the reason explained above, means that this cocktail increases considerably the risk that a narcissist may also be an alcoholic.
3 thoughts on “Cheers! Alcohol and the Narcissist”
Had one who was alcoholic, probably a lesser. A revolting oxygen thief.
Because this was what type I was familiar with, and before I discovered you H.G and learned more, I blindly fell for this last one, a refined gentleman, businessman type. The smartest, his ‘boss would commit suicide without him’, ‘I’m a manager’ etc. Yet self depreciating, and a victim to garner sympathy. I never saw him drink, he avoided any opportunity, yet boastfully claimed he drinks ‘Single Malt Whiskey'(so prestige). I think he feared drinking as it would compromise his facade and risk loss of control and letting out truths. He operated very covertly. He was so convinced about us before even meeting he said he would move to be closer to me, yet when I said, ‘wow everything is moving so fast, we haven’t even covered basic things like what is you full name, birthdays’… he said ‘hold on, lets not move too fast’… avoiding giving me his full name. I cannot find him online anywhere… no digital footprint, social media that I can find. Low profile. Moves a lot, and claims, moving interstate and OS. Serial runner, who does not want to be found out. The only addiction I could identify was sex. It was all he would talk about, confidently on the phone, in person much reserved.
HG, would love more of your thoughts on narcissists who become alcohol and/or drug addicts.
My NPD ex, high in psychopathy traits, drunk: “Look, you don’t want to be around me sober. You won’t understand. I’m cold. I don’t feel. I don’t want anything to do with anyone. When I’m drunk and we’re fighting, at least I’m feeling something.”
That was one of many drunken “confessions.” Another was his step-by-step technique for getting any individual to do exactly what he wants without them even realizing it. (But don’t call that “manipulation!” It’s “science.”)
And my favorite drunken confession:
“Yes, I love you! Goddamn it! I’m just saying that if we broke up and I never saw you again I’d be fine! Look, we both love my dog, right? One day he’ll be dead and that will suck, but at the end of the day he’s just a dog!”