Closure Denied
We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park.
Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you.
You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection.
We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you by instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I.
If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them.
We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and tastes, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. In our world, we can never be washed away.
Wash the Narcissist Away – The Triple Addiction Package
6 thoughts on “Closure Denied”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I was going through all my files this morning. I was toying with the idea of putting my dad through the EDC. My dad’s a joker though, I can’t be sure he would think properly about the questions asked! He might, if I stressed the importance. I think my Carrier minority element comes directly from him. Anyway, I was looking back at my EDC etc. I saw the sound file to the NDC, it must be well over 6 months since I listened. No need really is there? You know, you went, end of. I listened to it again and it was interesting for several reasons.
Firstly, the confidence of delivery. I really needed to hear that confidence. At the time, I knew something was wrong but hadn’t fully committed to what. If I had sensed any doubt, I might have disregarded the NDC result.
Secondly, I can’t remember what I wrote on the NDC document. It’s very very cloudy. I think that’s actually a good sign. If I really sat and thought about it, I think I could access some of it, but it’s almost as if my mind won’t allow me to think about it. It’s odd in a way, given how long I spent replaying and analysing all those conversations.
Thirdly, given what HG talks about in the analysis, I can see that I told him a lot. A wide variety of behaviours and situations. Every one was noted, listed, analysed. HG must have done countless NDC. He still goes into the finest detail. Doesn’t half ass it. I’m grateful for that.
Lastly, I heard more in the analysis this time. At the time I first received it, with soaring ET, I homed in on certain aspects. This time I really understood just how many indicators there actually were. It was an interesting exercise, to listen again.
It’s strange how things change over time isn’t it?
Hi Truthseeker, I have had the same experience with re-listening to things, and not only the NDC’s but other things also. Anyway, I have done 4 NDC’s and each is very different but each gives such clear confirmation. What my goal is, eventually, is to chart the various aspects, I love such charts and graphs, and the exercise of doing so, along with the visuals, helps me put things into place. But there are priorities for my time, like getting a few, haha, more questions answered first, rereading some of the books etc.
I have the emails that I sent to HG with all the NCD info on them, I haven’t looked at them yet, along with the results, but after doing the charting, I think they might help me really see things more clearly, by way of examples of behaviors. I probably wrote the examples that stood out the most but there were so many more. For me, giving them a name, putting them in their place so to speak, is a way of resolving and releasing. At least this has been how it has been in my past, it may be different for this situation. I will take your thinking into account before revisiting those emails, there may not be any need and I don’t want to cause myself pain. Glad I found your comment here, a good reminder to revisit occasionally and a caution to tread carefully.
Hi AV,
The charts idea is interesting. I think I try to keep most things in my head but seeing things in that format would be interesting, particularly if there are several narcs in your life.
I think the way we all take in information when we first arrive here is very similar. All of us are cloudy. You pick out key information that you can most identify with but lots is lost. Then as we recover I think this is where we become more different. For some blocking out is the best way to start perhaps, for some tackling head on from the get go might be better. Depends on the narcissist and the role they played in your life. Depends on the school you had to deal with in terms of the way the devaluation would manifest and how things ended. Depends on the empath school also. There are many different aspects. We won’t recover at the same rate in the same way and not necessarily by using the same techniques. Other than GOSO and No Contact, those are a given.
I think HG has the bases covered in terms of recovery and the differing approaches we might prefer. Fortunately he has the breadth of experience with empaths to draw on. The blog is crucial. At least it was for me. When you get a bad day, you get a really bad day. Being able to tell someone that and have another empath answer is key. Having HG spot elevated ET helps enormously too, as well as the logic, the numerous answers to our questions etc. I worry sometimes for the future of the blog because I think it is so crucial to support others just beginning recovery as we ourselves were supported. I think this is recognised and factored in. In fact I am as confident as I’m ever going to get when a narcissist is running the show! That’s not me being critical, that’s just me being well taught!
TS, why do you worry about the future of the blog? It is most helpful on those difficult high ET days. It is only a small number, comparatively, who comment, but people coming by can be helped by reading the comments too.
By the time I have time to do my charting, there’s probably a good chance I will no longer feel the need to do it. But I like to think I will.
Hi AV,
I probably wasn’t clear enough there. I worry about the future of the blog sometimes because I can see how busy HG is. He is still one man and there are only so many hours in a day. The blog has huge value to the readers but I dread to think how much time it takes to moderate us!
Xx
TS, I was afraid that’s what you meant. I have thought the same things. I would literally cry if it went away but I would
understand, as you also do, from HG’s perspective, what gives the biggest bang for his buck, so to speak. Same for the Consults, a significant amount of time spent on one person, at least there is some monetary gain to him from those. But maybe he gets something from the blog also, ideas, a bit of fuel, stability toward his “new” pro-social approach, who knows. I hope it doesn’t go away but if so I will be ever thankful, along with you and many others, to have had the benefit of it for a time.