Why the Narcissist Targets You



When we set our sights on acquiring our appliances to fuel us, it stands to reason that we dedicate the greatest amount of time to the person who is going to be our primary source of fuel. Of course the amount of time dedicated to this depends on the relevant narcissist but all of our kind are looking for certain traits which are prevalent to empathic individuals.

There are certain core traits which exist in empathic individuals. Normal people will have some of these traits, probably not all and they will not have the traits to the extent and degree of an empathic person. Thus, this is why normal people are rarely made our primary sources. There are also traits which are known as class traits. These are the traits which appeal to the relevant cadre of narcissist, be that person a Victim, Somatic, Cerebral or Elite Narcissist.

The core traits are hugely important to us. Their existence provides us with the three key elements that we take from our victims. Firstly, these traits means that the fuel provision will be high because of their connection to the emotional output from the victim. Secondly, there are certain residual benefits that come from these traits which we want. Thirdly, by attaching ourselves to somebody who has these traits we can pretend we have them too. We do not have these traits. Therefore we want to take them from you to apply to our construct and pass them off as belonging to us. Since we are experts and copying, we do not have these traits for ourselves and we do not feel them, but we are able to replicate what they look like by studying how you behave, because you have these traits. We then apply this to our own behaviour in order to maintain the façade. This fools other people into thinking that we are honest, decent and loving. It also enables us to mirror your traits and reflect them back at you so that you think we have them also. This makes us all the more appealing to you and ensures that you are bound closer to us. Accordingly, identifying these core traits in our victims is extremely important. The more of these traits that you have, the better. The more of these traits that you have, the greater the likelihood of being ensnared by our kind. A combination of the core traits and the class traits appearing in the way you behave and act draws our kind to you. We sense and see these traits and lock our sights on you as a prospective primary source.

There are ten of these core traits. The ideal is to find a victim who has all ten core traits and exhibits them to a considerable degree. We would then also want them to exhibit the relevant class traits which match with the type of narcissist that we are.

The Lesser Narcissist is unaware of these traits but like a hungry wolf sniffing out food he can sense the existence of these traits and know that the person exhibiting them is somebody he wants with him.

The Mid-Range Narcissist recognises these traits as admirable traits for a person to have. He sees them as plus points in the same way as someone might regard someone who is interested in art, travel and classical music, as a good match to start dating. The Mid-Range knows that he values these traits but he does not know the fundamental reason why he is drawn to them.

The Greater Narcissist knows what these traits are and why they are important. He knows the function that they play, he knows better than anybody else how to detect them and the places where (“the hunting grounds”) people can be found who will have these core traits and also the class traits. The Greater can sniff out the existence of these traits and match the target to them before moving in to ensnare that person.

So, what are these traits? Well, here are five of the ten by way of example. It is highly likely that you will have all five of these traits and you will have them in significant amounts because that is why you were ensnared by a narcissist to begin with.

Love Devotee       – we require our targets to be committed to the concept of love. You want to find love, experience love, love and be loved. The idea of love is central to your existence and you truly believe that our purpose on this earth is to love others. Not only does this mean loving those around but above all else you believe in the fulfilment that arises from having that one special person who you are committed to, who you will do anything for and who you will make sacrifices for. The existence of love is a reason, to you to exist and therefore you must find it and once located, obtain it and maintain it. We want love devotees because your dedication to love often blinds you to so much else and accordingly by pretending to give you love we can hook into this trait of yours and it allows us to ensnare you all the more readily.

Compassionate – our target must exhibit compassion. This compassion must be mainly for us although we are content for it to be exhibited for other people and objects such as animals, in order to detect it. If we identify that someone cares more about animals and things and not people however we do not consider that this fulfils our requirement. At an early juncture, if we see evidence of compassion for animals it generally (but not always) follows that this person will be compassionate towards humans as well.

Decent – We look for decent people. People who are well-mannered, polite and understanding. People who have consideration for others, wait their turn in speaking, allowing others to take a slice of cake before anyone else, giving to charity and conducting him or herself in a dignified manner. Decency is an attractive trait because it tells us that you will adhere to certain standards and that you also expect us to do the same. This matters because we know that this is often indicative of the fact that you are therefore unlikely to give up on us when the going gets rough.

Moral Compass –  we prefer a person with a strong moral compass, somebody who would hand a wallet to the police with the contents intact if they found such an item in the street or they would alert the shop assistant if they were handed too much change. This person is monogamous and faithful and believes others should conduct themselves by a similar moral code. Again, this tells us that you are far more likely to hang in there once devaluation starts and our behaviour will offend your moral compass so there will be the accompanying emotional reaction and thus copious fuel.

Caring – an individual who will always look after somebody else. Whether it is through working to provide for us, running the home in an excellent manner, looking after us when we are ill and being concerned about our well-being, the caring trait is very important and must be evident in our primary source especially. Not only will this tell us that you will want to look after us but it also signals to us that when we begin the devaluation of you, you will want to fix us and heal us and therefore you will keep plugging away, trying to do the right thing. It also tells us that we can expect considerable residual benefits from you in terms of you looking after us, which accords with our view of how you should be, subservient and obedient.

Learn more about why the narcissist targets you in Sitting Target


H.G Tudor - Sitting Target e-book cover

Why did the narcissist choose you? How did he or she go about deciding that you were the ideal target for him to launch his campaign of seduction upon? Did you do something to attract the attentions of this dangerous foe? This direct and comprehensive book will enable you to understand what it is that the varying types of narcissist look for when they are searching for victims. Whether you wish to prevent it happening again or you need to understand why you were chosen, this book will deliver the answers in an uncompromising and straight forward manner. What are the things that various types of narcissist look for? How do they go about establishing their targets satisfy those traits? What are the Special Traits which attract all narcissists? Where are their hunting grounds and which is the most dangerous? Who does the narcissist go after and why are certain people left alone? What does the narcissist mean when he or she is looking for green lights? These questions and more are answered in this hard-hitting and unsettling look into why the narcissist chooses you.

US e-book here

UK e-book here

AUS e-book here

CAN e-book here


29 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Targets You

  1. Ciara says:

    Hi Leigh, that’s a good idea to read H.G books. It’s 3 thing all his books have in common: Narcs don’t care about anybody, their camouflage is in tact. Fuel is the goal…The work narc brought out of you the things you had been missing because your victim narc(husband) don’t give it. Lust can make a person think it’s love. Starting focusing on yourself, get out more, have fun ,go to movies, vacations ,do something spontaneous and different to elevate your self esteem. H.G. Blog is here to vent out and help. However, in order to see progress, His knowledge about narcs must be applied to the situation.Wish you luck, I hope this helps.♥️

    1. Leigh says:

      Thank you Ciara. Yes, workplace narc gave me what I was missing. It might have been lust for him, it wasn’t lust for me. My feelings for him were deeper than that. We had known each other for 5 years before the affair started. I cared deeply for him. I wouldn’t risk hurting my children for lust.
      With all of that said, it was still very selfish of me. This blog, Mr. Tudor and all of you here have been the best thing that has happened to me. I will continue to be here and learn.

  2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    An excellent Netflix series to watch about “targeting” is The Serpent ! 😱
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. leelasfuelstinks says:

    Would like to add: When devaluation commenced, my ex ULA somatic rendered himself unattractive in order to avoid intimacy and frequently lashed out verbally on me. No thank you! Goodbye!

  4. leelasfuelstinks says:

    I even marked those traits I have and those I don´t with different colors. I have many of those required traits, but several are completely missing. I´m missing love devotee and other traits which are written in the book. And I am high and strong in narcissistic traits. I feel them. And they are stronger than I thought.

    I don´t think that I am a suitable as long term IPPS, even though my kind may be highly priced among narcs. Narcs may prefer my kind as IPPS but that was not the case with me. Narcs may like me but on the shelf, please! I was either an emergency pick or quickly placed on the shelf (after a couple of corrective devaluations of course, hahaha) 😀

    I went through the book a couple of times, marking the important traits, taking notes, etc. I came to the conclusion that I´m not submissive enough, no love devotee, too proud, too strong. I didn´t hang in there. Once I was IPPS of an ULA somatic, escaped after about one and a half year. Of course I tried to fix the relationship when devaluation started. But it was pure horror, devaluation is hell on earth. I will never forget that terrible pain! One fine day I decided that enough was enough, that this relationship made no sense. I deserve better! Goodbye narc!

    I lack some required traits for being long term IPPS probably have too strong narcissistic traits. 😉

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi Leela, I like that idea, marking them with colors. I have them all, I feel like a lost cause when I think about it.

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        I marked all I have blue and all I do not have pink. I´m only a semi-good target 😉 😀 Why do you feel like a lost cause? They are good traits, you just have to be careful with them. We should be proud to be Empaths. 🙂

        1. A Victor says:

          It has been becoming ever more clear just how attractive those traits are to narcs. And having so many I need to be careful with feels like a huge challenge right now. It will get better as I learn more, hopefully. I am proud to be an empath in the sense that I do good, I am good to others. But being victimized cannot be allowed to happen again and it is still scary for me.

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Don´t be scared. It can happen. To all of us. Important is that we recognize the red flags early and then pull the emergency break and GOSO. We´re Emps. We will always be attractive to narcs, in one way or the other, whether as IPPS, NISS or shelf-IPSS. We WILL be targeted and we MUST face it. But now we are way wiser and know what red flags to look for when it´s narc alert.

      2. leelasfuelstinks says:

        Guess what: My fuel stinks! 😉 😀 😀 😀

        1. A Victor says:

          Skunk hunting is in order for me for tonight…:)

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            The stinky skunk spray is only for narcs. Empaths get hugs. 🙂

          2. A Victor says:


    2. Leigh says:

      Leela, I’m so jealous, LOL! I wish I could run away! I don’t have the love devotee trait either. I am NOT devoted to love in the least. Its probably why I cheated on my narc husband because I never believed in the whole concept of being in love. I don’t like being touched or hugged and sex for me is, lets take care of business and keep it moving. Until, I met workplace narc. He really lit a fire in my belly. I couldn’t keep my hands off of him and I loved his hugs and kisses on my forward. It blew my mind because this was a piece of me that I didn’t even know existed. All of sudden this love devotee trait popped up out of nowhere. It actually scares me a little bit. Its been over with workplace narc for two years but I always wonder when I leave my husband, will I allow myself to be drawn back in by workplace narc. It was such a rush to be with him. Unfortunately, I do get stuck in the long haul. I’ve been with my narc husband for 35 years. He’s a victim narcissist and I’m a caretaker. Unfortunately for me, that’s a perfect match.

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        Leigh, pack you stuff and GO! Today! You can do it. You know, narcs, as bad they behave, teach us a lesson. All of them. Every narc in my life taught me an important lesson: about life itself, about my personality, about my worldview. You´re workplace narc taught you an important lesson about yourself. Take this as learning, as take-home-message (if you will). You can grow stronger, more self-confident. You learned a lot about yourself with the workplace-narc. Every negative event in life has its positive sides – we often miss to see them and to learn our lessons. 🙂

        1. Leigh says:

          Leela, I agree that everything in life teaches us a lesson. I also agree that there’s always a silver lining. I try to see the positive in everything. I have extreme gratitude for workplace narc. (I won’t ever tell him that, though.) If it wasn’t for him, I may never have come here. Here is where I found clarity and finally got validation. Silver lining!

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Same for my recent narc. If it wasn´t for him, I wouldn´t be here, it was very obvious that he´s mentally ill though and it was also obvious that he´s a Cluster B personality. My first thought was Borderline personality disorder. But that didn´t really fit. Then I read about “covert narcissism”. That´s what I suspected so I wanted to know more and found here. Indeed! I was dealing with a Middle Mid Ranger Type A! Extremely hard to spot the NPD there.

          2. Leigh says:

            Leela, I knew workplace narc had some mental illness too. He was a burn survivor from when he was a baby and he was still scarred on his face, head, neck and hands. There’s that caretaker trait again. I wanted to help heal him. I thought he was beautiful. I’ve been thinking about him a lot the past couple of days because this Saturday will be two years since he disengaged with me. Sunday will be two years since I came here. My first article I read was House of Discards.

          3. A Victor says:

            Two years on Sunday Leigh? I hope you do something good to celebrate! That’s awesome!

          4. Leigh says:

            I’ll probably bury myself in lots of reading and listening to Mr. Tudor.

      2. A Victor says:

        Leigh, part of your fear of leaving is being ensnared by workplace narc again? That is scary! Can you get a different job? I had not picked up on this piece before.

        1. Leigh says:

          I forgot to respond about my job. Yes I suppose I could get another job but my pride won’t let me. I have autonomy there. I have my own office, I make a halfway decent salary, I live under 5 miles. I don’t want to give up the job for him.

          1. A Victor says:

            Yes, that all makes good sense. I thought it was probably such. And especially as good jobs can be difficult to come by nowadays, at least here, we hang on to them. But, I also understand your fear better now, that is a concern.

          2. leelasfuelstinks says:

            How about some “self esteem training” first? I think you must build up your self-esteem, your self-confidence, learn self-love, self-worth. That´s what I´m working on too.

          3. Leigh says:

            Hi Leela, it doesn’t feel like a self esteem issue for me. But maybe that’s it. I honestly don’t want to give up my great job for a man. Who the hell is he? If he doesn’t like seeing me around, then he should leave. I love my job. I love what I do. There are too many benefits to give it up for him. My pride won’t let me do it.

            I’ve just been thinking about him alot lately because this Saturday will be 2 years since he disengaged with me. We fought for 3 days beforehand and then he was gone. I won’t go back to him. He broke me and I don’t want to feel that kind of pain again.

          4. leelasfuelstinks says:

            I see. You´re a helper, a healer and a fixer. Maybe due to low self-esteem? Your husband is a Victim narc, right? You want to help, to care, to heal, to fix. But maybe you should help, heal, fix yourself? 🙂 (Hope I said this right, shouldn´t be an insult, but an advice – sorry, non-native English speaker 😀 ) What I want to say: Focus on those traits and the reasons why. Focus more on yourself! It could be that you find a good solution as soon as you fixed yourself a bit. 🙂

          5. Leigh says:

            Leela, you said it correctly. You didn’t insult me at all. I see it as constructive. I know we can’t always see our weaknesses. I also know you’re right. Its time to start working on me.

          6. leelasfuelstinks says:

            We all have to. You´re not alone. 🙂

  5. December Infinity says:

    I have this book, ‘Sitting Target.’ I have already read it but I am going to read it again.

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