Little ACONs No. 1

YOU CARRYMY TORCH

A series of memes which encapsulates the mind set of the narcissistic parent towards their child resulting in the creation of the Adult Child of a Narcissist.

44 thoughts on “Little ACONs No. 1

  1. lickemtomorrow says:

    I immediately thought of a song I hadn’t thought of in years when I saw this meme. The words in the meme relate to the song title, but it has very different connotations. I’ll add it here if HG will let me as it speaks to the narcissistic experience and the element of longing, whether it be in the form of a narcissistic hoover or seduction, or an empathic response to devaluation post the Golden Period. I specifically applied it to my first love (and likely narc) in the circumstances of our relationship.

    https://youtu.be/9oub-NKb7Fk

    When it comes to the parental narcissist, I definitely felt I was meant to carry on my mother’s design. There is a reason I am the scapegoat in my family.

  2. A Victor says:

    Oh dear. Already many tears today and it’s not even noon…

    1. leelasfuelstinks says:

      Have a nice talk with H.G. if youΒ΄re struggling so badly. πŸ™ HeΒ΄s an ACON too.

      1. A Victor says:

        Thank you, I will. Except, it only lasts for a few hours, at most a day. And then I’m fine again for a while. I think it’s just the ups and downs of this education. After putting that comment yesterday, I realized I should’ve said I knew it wouldn’t last and everything was okay, I didn’t intend for it to be leading. Thank you for pointing out that HG is also an ACON, I had not thought of it in exactly those terms before.

        1. leelasfuelstinks says:

          H.G.s mom is a narc. Matri Narc passed on the genetic predisposition for narcissism and psychopathy to him.

          1. A Victor says:

            Oh, I knew about his mother and the narcissist gene, but I didn’t realize the psychopathy came from her also, though I suppose it isn’t surprising. Thank you for bringing HG’s ACON status to my attention is such terms.

          2. leelasfuelstinks says:

            ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) is also heritable. ThereΒ΄s some research on the influence of genetics on the formation of Cluster B personality disorders but no clear consent. The highest genetic influence factor seems to have NPD.

    2. lickemtomorrow says:

      Hopefully they are cleansing tears, AV, and releasing you from some of your pain and past <3

      1. A Victor says:

        Yes, they were cleansing. Thank you!

    3. Bubbles says:

      Dearest A Victor,
      Awwwww sweetheart, it’s ok to cry, I know it’s extremely difficult and very painful at times!
      You’re one touch little cookie !
      I look after my mum……thank heavens she doesn’t live with us, so I don’t envy you there
      My mum wouldn’t sign her house over to me, (she’s already willed it to me ) big deal !
      I informed her, there are benefits, if she did ! I’ve have to explain things to her just like I’m talking to a 5 year old, 5 year olds are actually smarter ! Haha
      But no, her heels are firmly cemented, even though everything I do is in her best interests
      Her fixation is relentless at times, I find her so frustrating, (that’s when I count to 10 or walk away, (no wonder op shopping is so therapeutic for me), you should hear what Mr Bubbles says 😱
      I just go with the flow, that way I don’t drown !
      If I don’t fight I won’t lose
      I also hold that bloody torch far enough away so it doesn’t burn me

      I can now read Mr Tudor’s works without becoming so emotional, it’s taken years for me
      Just make sure you you keep plenty of tissues handy AV, we’ve all been where you are …..it’s ok to take a break and regroup if you need to
      We ACONs must stick together ….. why do I keeping thinking squirrels πŸ€” 🐿 πŸ˜‚
      πŸ’•Take care and look after yourself lovely one πŸ’•
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi Bubbles, I saw your comment early in the day, couldn’t respond at that moment, and lost it, glad to have found it again! Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I so understand your frustration with your mum, so much do I! I have learned to walk away at the first sign of anything, or even before. I told my daughter today that I feel sad for my mother, on one hand, because she is very alone now, no one wants to be around her. My daughter understood but also understands why we feel as we do. That was helpful. We didn’t dwell or discuss beyond that, it was just factual really, quite sad.

        What is op shopping? Should I ask? Is it addictive?? It sounds like it might be…

        I like your word picture of going with the flow so as not to drown. That is pretty much my personality, except around, as Asp Emp puts it, my “upstairs issue”-haha!

        Thank you for sharing your reaction to HG’s work, I would never have guessed that about you now!! You are always so upbeat and helpful, knowing just what to say and when, a real blessing to the rest of us! It does help to know that you were like I am now and you survived and are doing great! I have been considering a break, not sure if I could stand it, I have developed a really bad case of FOMO since being on this blog! Haha, squirrels!! ACOrNs, hahah!! Thank you yet again, sweet lady!

        1. Bubbles says:

          Dearest A Victor,
          I was a complete and utter emotional wreck when I found Mr Tudor’s blog, I had the “perfect storm” two narcs from both sides at the same time 😱
          I’m happy to report, I’m not the Titanic !!!! 🀣

          Op shopping ….. otherwise known as “other people’s” shopping, like the salvos, seconds shops etc …….we abbreviate everything here 🀣
          Very relaxing 😎 and yes, very addictive πŸ˜‚

          Thank you for your sweet praises lovely A Victor, I’ve been around the oval a few times, just wasn’t clued up enough on narcs ! I’ve be known to put my foot in it on many occasions….. eh! as they say, c’est la vie !!!! 🀣

          I also considered a break, but I wanted to challenge myself past the pain threshold barrier, why you ask ? ….. to make myself a better person
          Now I’m invisible !!!! 🀣

          You won’t miss out precious, there’s plenty of “catch up” when Mr Tudor performs his Houdini act to save the world from self destruction 🀣

          Upstairs issues ??? ….. sometimes my elevator gets stuck on no 13 !!! 🀣

          You do what feels right for you AV …… we ain’t going anywhere !
          Luv chatting to you lovely, hope I’ve made you feel an itty bit better
          πŸ’•
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. A Victor says:

            Bubbles, you always make me feel better! Thank you!!

    4. Leigh says:

      I know how you feel. All I do is cry these days. I’m so tired of crying. Its not all day or every day but it will come on suddenly out of nowhere. I’ll be cleaning the bathroom and bam, I’ll start crying.

      1. A Victor says:

        Yes! Half the time there is no apparent trigger! It’s so bad especially when I’m working and need to not be crying!!

      2. Bubbles says:

        Dearest Leigh,
        I looked it up….. apparently sudden uncontrollable crying, laughing or feeling anger can be systems of a condition called pseudobulbar affect (PBA). It’s an involuntary neurological state related to an injury or disturbance in parts of your brain that control your emotions.

        I’ve also read, signs of depression can also be linked to your thyroid, a chemical imbalance or low testosterone levels !

        That’s why it’s crucial for us to have regular medical checks
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. A Victor says:

          Oh dear. Thank you for this Bubbles. Time for a check up. I think mine does correlate to the emotional journey here but it doesn’t hurt to make sure.

          1. Bubbles says:

            Dearest A Victor,
            All the more reason lovely 😊
            Personally, I’m not a pill popper, I prefer the a la naturale method, however, whatever works for the individual
            Gotta look after ones self AV πŸ’•
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        2. Leigh says:

          Bubbles, thank you for your concern. Yes, I agree that its important to go for our annual physical. I didn’t go last year during COVID so I made it a point to go this year. Everything looks pretty good. Cholesterol is slightly high so I will have to make some changes there. I started walking again. I’m perimenopausal too so I think that brings on the sudden bursts of emotions. And of course, my situation doesn’t help. I wouldn’t quite say I’m depressed but definitely sad.

          1. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Leigh,
            Perimenopausal ???? No wonder !!!!! I would say that’s your most contributing factor !
            My menopause lasted for about 12 years ….. my family said I went “psycho” for most of that time 😈 (No one was injured during the making however ) πŸ˜‚
            My hormones went absolutely nuts πŸ₯œ …..definitely not your textbook case !!
            Some women breeze thru it, however I’m not some women
            I would say that’s a huge contributing factor to your outburst of tears PLUS sadness
            Lack of sleep is another, forgetfulness, anxiety, depression, weight gain, irritability, mood swings, headaches, lower sex drive (I had to go on testosterone tablets, that was awesome ….. now I know what a horny bloke feels like 🀣) constant urge to wee, night sweats, creepy crawlies on the skin and the list goes on n on n on
            I went onto HRT patches ….. best decision ever !

            We should wear “warning signs” during that time …. that would keep the narcs away 🀣
            This would be the most crucial self care period … no pun intended πŸ˜‚
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘
            Ps …. this was a bulk billed consultation …. no charge πŸ‘©β€βš•οΈ 🀣

          2. Leigh says:

            Bubbles, yep, perimenopausal too. LOL! That’s why I’m an emotional wreck. Its probably been about 6 years or so already. I can’t do hormone therapy because I was a smoker for over 35 years. I quit in September. As if perimenopause and finding out about narcissism wasn’t enough to screw with my emotions, I figured I would add insult to injury, lol!

            You say, “now I know what a horny bloke feels like”. That made me chuckle. Thank you!

            I think my heightened emotional state is probably what attracted workplace narc. LOL!

          3. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Leigh,
            Vit A B6 and B12 E may help, if you haven’t already given them a go
            I tried everything before taking patches …. I was very anti HRT, I wasn’t on them for long! However, there’s magnesium, vit D (huge), acapuncture, change of diet and of course your walking is great
            There would be major advancements since I took them I’m sure !
            My girlfriend smokes and she’s on patches …..!!!! Hmmmmm πŸ€”

            Yes, the narc is like a sniffer dog or more succinctly, a rat!
            They can sniff an empath from a mile away!
            Perhaps we should carry rat bait with us πŸ­πŸ§€ and a mouse trap 🀣
            Look after yourself Leigh, you’re too precious not too πŸ’•
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          4. Leigh says:

            Bubbles, my doctor told me he wouldn’t put me on hormones while I smoked, because he didn’t want to be the reason I have a heart attack. Your friend may want to look into that. I do take vitamin D but I’ll look into the other vitamins you suggested. Maybe I could find a multivitamin. Thank you Bubbles. Your advice is most appreciated.

          5. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Leigh,
            HRT, when I took it, was known to increase the risk of breast cancer, heart attack, stroke, blood clots in the legs n lungs ! So does taking the pill !
            Menopause is normal, it’s not an illness or a medical condition….. it always pays to do your research first and then go with you instincts for what’s best for you!
            Funny how AstraZeneca causes blood clots πŸ€”and we’re all encouraged to have it. I wonder if they ask if you smoke or not before they jab it ?
            You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t !
            As long as I take my daily narc medication, I’m doing ok 🀣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

            Ps I can’t tell my girlfriend what to do 😱…. she’s knows everything πŸ˜‚

          6. Leigh says:

            Bubbles, I just saw this response. I received nothing in my email or no wordpress notification. Not sure what happened there. I apologize.

            As long as I get my daily narc medication, I’m doing ok also.

            I have a girlfriend who knows everything also, lol!

            Yes, its scary about the astrazeneca vaccine. I’ve decided to pass on the vaccine until there’s more research.

        3. WhoCares says:

          Bubbles,

          Regarding “pseudobulbar effect”: extremely interesting. Thank-you for sharing.

          I looked it up and find this statement of interest: “The primary sign of pseudobulbar affect (PBA) is frequent, involuntary and uncontrollable outbursts of crying or laughing that are exaggerated or not connected to your emotional state. Laughter often turns to tears. Your mood will appear normal between episodes, which can occur at any time. Crying appears to be a more common sign of PBA than laughing.”

          I know I have experienced this, especially “laughter often turns to tears.” But it when I am emotionally wormed down. Otherwise, I have great control over it.

          I disagree with the claim of it not being connected to one’s emotional state – maybe for some individuals that is true. But I usually trace the series of thoughts or impressions that led to it, therefore, it isn’t completely unconnected.

          It will happen when I am going through periods of stress and when I relax my guard…for example, when I am playing a silly game with my son and find myself relaxed and laughing – it will trigger a memory, the realization of what we have come through or that he is growing so fast…and then, suddenly the tears – but there is no disconnect.
          He gets confused and I don’t really want to explain or worry him, I tell him they are “happy tears.” Which is the truth; they erupted as a result of relaxing into the silliness and the laughter.

          I think, for some, it happens after long periods of time of having to suppress one’s natural emotional response because of being in situations where it isn’t safe, i.e. around a narcissist.

          1. WhoCares says:

            A Victor & Leigh,

            I am really sorry that you are going through that… especially the crying out of nowhere. I think it is more heightened and intense, in the beginning, when we wake up to what we have been going through. It does get better and less intense later on – especially alongside our education here and applying logic.

            In the event someone was interested, here’s the article that I was reading from:
            https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pseudobulbar-affect/symptoms-causes/syc-20353737

          2. Leigh says:

            Thank you. I’ve actually thought about going to see a psychologist. The problem is I want to see someone who understands narcissism. For 50 years this is all I’ve known. It’s to take in and sometimes the emotions come right to the surface.

          3. WhoCares says:

            Leigh,

            I don’t want to deter you from a path that may be very helpful for you, but I would be very selective about choosing a psychologist, if you go that route. A psychologist who doesn’t really grasp narcissism may have you blaming yourself and/or encourage you to ‘make nice’ with the narc.
            I was lucky to have a good counselor, following the end of the formal relationship, who was very knowledgeable, supportive and who even provided much practical guidance – but she could never fully accept that my ex was a narcissist. Even when I was describing his behaviour that supported that very fact, she would say “Welll, he is narcissistIC.” Perhaps, this is because she had scruples and was mindful of not using diagnostic language where she wasn’t qualified to. Regardless, she was open to dialogue on the subject and it was a good experience for me. However, I have heard many stories of bad therapy experiences from victims of narcissistic abuse.

          4. Leigh says:

            WhoCares, I know. It makes me extremely nervous. That’s why I feel like I’m better off here. Unless someone has experienced it, they don’t get it. I believe that would be true for a psychologist as well. Plus, in my opinion, unless someone has learned from Mr. Tudor, they are very likely to be misinformed. I finally feel validated and I don’t want to lose that validation and certainly not by some therapist that doesn’t get it.

          5. WhoCares says:

            Leigh,

            “Plus, in my opinion, unless someone has learned from Mr. Tudor, they are very likely to be misinformed.”

            There’s a chance that you find a therapist or psychologist that is open to learning alongside you – especially if you share HG’s work with them. It doesn’t mean they will automatically embrace it but they might be open to discussing it. This was what I found with the counselor I had, so her help was welcome, but I am certain she had both emotional empathy and accountability.

            “I finally feel validated and I don’t want to lose that validation and certainly not by some therapist that doesn’t get it.”

            This is a very unique place here, on the blog, where you are certain to find both understanding and validation.

          6. Leigh says:

            Yes, it is a very unique place here. I get education and validation from Mr. Tudor and support from all of you.

          7. A Victor says:

            WhoCares, I just found this thread again, I didn’t get notices on it for a couple of days. I really hope you don’t get wormed down too often WC. πŸ˜‰ That made me giggle.

            Thank you for the link, I enjoy looking at things like that. I am glad for your comment, I think when my moods hit they do correlate with something that is going on, whether it’s learning here or something else. It is good to hear that it lessens after time, as we adjust. It is very overwhelming now.

            Today I was studying about why the narcissist can’t change. That concept has been so difficult to wrap my mind around. I feel like there was some good progress today but it made me so sad. My mother, my ex, the other narcs I’ve known, all have so much to offer to the world, they had so much to offer to me specifically, if they could just…but they can’t, they just can’t, and today it was breaking my heart for them. It was actually good, it brought a surprising teaspoon of empathy for my ex, I know it was all fake, I know he can’t change but I haven’t liked the absolute feeling of neutrality I’ve had for him, he’s a human. I would never take him back, probably wouldn’t even talk to him, but I felt like that tiny drop made me feel better about myself as a person. I so wish they could change and be whole. Or that there was some way we could learn to live together in happiness and peace. But neither of those things can happen so I must swallow that bitter pill and proceed on my own journey. At least I knew what was making today so teary. The humor on some of the threads here today has been helpful. Thank you again for your comment. And for listening, again.

          8. WhoCares says:

            “But it when I am emotionally wormed down.”

            Ah, autocorrect.

            …it *is when I am emotionally worn down.

          9. Asp Emp says:

            Wormed down……. hilarious!

          10. Bubbles says:

            Dearest WhoCares,
            Thank you for investigating further and supplying your most interesting article!
            I luv the repoire you have with your son, he’s going to grow up one beautiful human being! He’s so lucky to have you as his mum!
            I feel your last paragraph sums it up perfectly ……
            “I think, for some, it happens after long periods of time of having to suppress one’s natural emotional response because of being in situations where it isn’t safe, ie around a narcissist”

            Women were made to take so much on board, luckily, we have a pressure valve for our release ! We turn it into tears n laughter, men seem to turn it into non productive anger
            No wonder we outlive men !!
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          11. WhoCares says:

            Bubbles,

            “I luv the repoire you have with your son, he’s going to grow up one beautiful human being! He’s so lucky to have you as his mum!”

            Thank-you Bubbles. It’s not all perfect – sometimes I think I paint a rather rosy view of my interactions with my son (in my comments) – however, I am quite proud of him.
            I have, where possible, always allowed him to speak his mind (one thing that I never had being an ACON) and as a result, he and I do have a good rapport – but, wow, we also butt heads sometimes because of this. As an eight year old, he feels he that he knows everything there is to know and that he can fully take care of himself – while I love his confidence and sense of capability, it also makes me a little fearful for him, at times.
            Despite it currently being quite challenging – having always allowed him to voice his opinion and have his say (even when he may not always get his way) – I’ll never regret it in the long run, because it’s something that his father will never give him (a voice of his own), and as a result, my son will always be too challenging for his father to control.

            “Women were made to take so much on board, luckily, we have a pressure valve for our release !”

            While there may be some truth to this – would a “pressure valve” even be a necessity if we weren’t dealing with narcissists?!

          12. Bubbles says:

            Dearest WhoCares,
            My kids are quite vocal as well …. I’ve always joked with them “I should never have encouraged you to speak” 🀣
            We were seen and not heard as kids, so I did the same as you WC, let them have a voice! We’ve always, since the kids were knee high to a grasshopper, sat around the dinner table and talked!
            Nothing wrong with butting heads with your children, that’s part of being a parent! As long as they get the message behind it ! It’s very sad with your son’s dad ….boys need a good role model! Hopefully, he has a good substitute in an uncle or grandpa maybe
            I have adult children and they can still be quite challenging …… one currently comes to mind πŸ˜‚
            My how times have changed
            With regards to the pressure cooker… we all need to “let off a little steam” at some stage ….not necessarily narc instigated ….like runnning out of toilet paper, pushing in front of a queue, locking yourself out of your car or house, not having a tampon, having a flat tyre, you just don’t have anything to wear or there’s no chocolate left 😀
            I dont bottle anything up anymore …… I drink the contents ! 🍾
            🀣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          13. WhoCares says:

            Bubbles,

            “My kids are quite vocal as well …. I’ve always joked with them β€œI should never have encouraged you to speak” 🀣”

            Haha! When they are vocal and smart, it becomes extra challenging…

            “It’s very sad with your son’s dad ….boys need a good role model! Hopefully, he has a good substitute in an uncle or grandpa maybe”

            I agree with you. And I struggle with this. My son did have a solid role model before we found our own place and had to move. Unfortunately, I have reached the realization that this solid male role model is married to (what appears to be) an Upper Mid-ranger. So, I can’t ignore this – and it compromises the benefits of maintaining the relationship between them.
            Incidentally, I am very thankful for the information that HG is including, via the Meghan Markle series, about the best way to approach assisting someone who is with a narcissist (through his examples of what the RF could do to best support Harry). I am thankful for it, I just don’t know if I will implement it in the situation I mentioned above.

            “I have adult children and they can still be quite challenging …… one currently comes to mind πŸ˜‚”

            I have read a little of this on the blog, Bubbles – I truly hope it pans out positively.

            “With regards to the pressure cooker… we all need to β€œlet off a little steam” at some stage ….not necessarily narc instigated ….like runnning out of toilet paper, pushing in front of a queue, locking yourself out of your car or house, not having a tampon, having a flat tyre, you just don’t have anything to wear or there’s no chocolate left 😀”

            No kidding.
            I tried to buy paper recently – PAPER – like, just the 8.5 Γ— 11 standard white paper (to write on, draw on & craft with) for my son…and I kid you not, it was designated “non-essential”. Non-essential. During “spring break” AND ‘stay at home orders’. Where’s the common sense in this!?
            I didn’t blow a gasket but I did commiserate with the staff member at the cash, saying it must be difficult for him when argumentative customers express their opinion about such regulations (which he agreed with)… at least, upper management did give their employees an out, because such items were actually removed from their inventory system – so there was actually no means to ring through particular products. I also joked with my son, saying “I guess the only paper essential enough to buy here, is the kind we wipe out butts with!”
            So ridiculous, writing paper NON-ESSENTIAL.
            Bubbles, the current state of things boggles the mind!

            Back to parenting – I appreciate your input. Single parenting with a narc parent as a “co-parent” can feel pretty isolating at times.

          14. Bubbles says:

            Dearest WhoCares,
            It’s a pity “common sense” is not taught in schools ….. these days everyone puts notes n reminders in their phones or they just use computers
            I used to dabble a little in calligraphy, I make my own personal cards πŸ“ and it just looks so beautiful. I’m currently making my mum a woollen skirt from a pattern, so as you can see, I’m into the arts n crafts plus I’m reading a book I came across from the op shop on the rise of narcissism today …… paper is an essential !!!!

            We are extremely lucky where we live, we only had 3 months last year where we had lockdown … the rest has been pretty normal, however, if we have another massive outbreak, let’s just say, we have enough “essential paper ”
            I used to be a “girl guide” and our motto was “be prepared” !

            You’re very savvy WhoCares and kids today are fairly street smart… I’m sure your beautiful son is full of surprises and knows more than you realise! Kids take “everything” in …..believe me !
            Thankfully, in your situation, you have a son and not a daughter … daughters generally gravitate more to their dads!!!
            Sounds like he’s a very well balanced young male and as a male, his natural instincts are to protect ‘his’ mum. Keep doing what you’re doing WC, you’re doing way better than what you think you are πŸ’•
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          15. WhoCares says:

            Bubbles,

            I hear you on common sense.

            Thanks for sharing; I enjoy hearing about people’s creative side.
            And thank-you for your supportive wordsπŸ’™

            Hugs,
            WC

      3. BC30 says:

        I feel ya. I was not like this during either relationship, but the first few months post-escape were rough. Every day I wake up grateful to be free of living on the edge, always waiting and wondering how things were going to go from minute to minute.

        1. A Victor says:

          BC30, how long since your last relationship ended? How long until you started to feel somewhat recovered and back on your feet?

  3. leelasfuelstinks says:

    ACONs unite! πŸ™‚

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