Never Again

NEVER-AGAIN

 

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen.

We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist.

You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself.

You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want.

When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves.

You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story.

You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again.

She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it.

You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us.

Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign.

Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears.

Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us.

Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety.

Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

7 thoughts on “Never Again

  1. MsCynthia says:

    Well, this post hit all the bells and whistles. I was involved with someone for 9 years. We met the year I turned 52. Just a few months after proposing to me, I was ghosted. I returned home after a trip and found all traces of my fiancé gone. And I did all the wrong things: tried to call, email and write. I finally caught the drift.
    So, it’s been 8 years. Things have changed. I moved. In fact, I retired. At first there was a lot of pain associated with the scents, sounds, and places I associated with us. But over time, I understand there was nothing wrong with my love, devotion, or loyalty. My mistake was expending my energy on someone who didn’t deserve it. Overall, it has nothing to do with those places, that scent, or the feel of salt water on my skin. I was deluded, but not crazy or stupid. Now, years later, I still enjoy the scent of jasmine at night, the savor of my good cooking, and the joy I feel when I swim past the breakers & play in the surf. Among a lifetime of memories and events, I can break, but there is a part of me that refuses to remain broken. I can learn from this. I can heal. The journey isn’t over. There are more adventures to come. Like Camus wrote, “In the midst of Winter, I found within me an invincible Summer.”

  2. Pat says:

    He came back promising he was going to commit, and even took a day off work to go give registry notice only to tell me 1 month before the ceremony date he is not ready and he agreed to the ceremony date because otherwise i would have left him, that I pressured him into it. I asked him to at least give me a engagement ring and he would not he said what if i take it and still leave him WTF, so I left him! I lied and said I met someone else who is interested in me and I am going to give him a chance since he just doesnt seem to commit. I used to be IPPS. my first 2 weeks of NC i felt numb, then sad, then normal and now its week 9 and i feel low again. He stole my time, would not let me study so i could progress with my career always being so needy and stealing my time. Defo never again this time, i gave it my best shot and he just wasnt commiting wanted to trap me with a religious marriage only so he could walk away freely when he decided to leave. Oh well my lucky escape

  3. Dolores Nugent says:

    This reminded of my ex husband, my children’s father. I went on to have a wonderful long term relationship. The son I’m having these issues with is just like his father but on steroids. Today I’m angry about it all. Never again is so close because there is literally nothing left for him to take. He took my ranch and are and truck and my heart and threw them all away. 6 weeks no contact was awesome. I will try again with no contact even if it means leaving the state to go live on the Reservation. I can get good Nd lost there if I need too. Thanks H.G.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. T says:

    Since finding you a little over a week ago to figure out what just happened, I figured out a lot about myself. I get my own thrills dancing with the devil. The challenge lights me up. Your power, prowess, I want it. My biggest let down is, if I start to actually like “you”…I loose the game. And I pisses me off I’m a weakling compared to someone like you. I can’t help that empathy thing. Never stops me though, even when I’ve exclaimed never again. XXX

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome T.

  5. A Victor says:

    Being an ACON, my life has always been the same. I’ve never fully trusted anyone, except for my kids, and I have always lived with a heightened sense of anxiety. The last three words of the first paragraph are discouraging. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than go through another relationship with a narcissist.

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