The Veiled Primary Source


You were crowned as the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) and you enjoyed that magnificent golden period. Those mesmerising days with the narcissist have gone, but the memory remains bittersweet. Blackened devaluation followed and now disengagement as you find yourself cast aside. During the downward spiral you had concerns that the person you loved and still love, was playing around, seeing other people and tarnishing that once professed perfect love. You believe that you have been pushed to one side and another has taken your crown.

Amidst the confusion and mayhem, your quest for answers, being the empathic truth seeker that you are, has led you to realise that you have been ensnared by a narcissist. You dive down the rabbit hole, reading all you can about this extraordinary disorder, shaking your head as you see the similarities of the experiences of other people, fighting back the tears as the humiliation of your treatments weighs heavy on your shoulders and still wanting him back. The wanting, the desire, the need remains and like so many others the questions form and occupy your thoughts on a daily basis.

Your suspicions that the narcissist was seducing someone else as the sun set on your empire with him, remain. You understand from your reading that the narcissist will often revel in rubbing the former IPPS’ nose in it, by parading the new IPPS to all and sundry. There are Relationship Bulletins placed on social media. The new subject of the narcissist’s infatuation is introduced to the narcissist’s coterie, the friends, the family and the colleagues as they get to bask in the golden light and you sob in the shadows. It is unfair. It is unjust. It is wrong. You worry that this new IPPS will be the one to make everything right and that the behaviours you experienced through devaluation will not be repeated. You want to derail the coupling and ensure you are installed back in that vaulted position of IPPS and this time you will strive to ensure you do everything right and avoid this awful fate that has currently befallen you. These are common responses and feelings.

You have been engaged in the customary social media stalking, looking to find out who has taken your place, but you cannot find anything. There are no posts showing the narcissist grinning with the new conquest, cold dead eyes gazing out from a score of posts, tendril wrapped about the new victim. You have not been able to contact any of the narcissist’s family or friends, learning that you had been smeared as an abuser by the narcissist, this litany of lies having been established well in advance of your disengagement. Nobody wishes to talk with you. You have managed to convince a handful of friends, failing to notice their eye-rolling, to try to find out who the narcissist is now with, but they have drawn a blank, yet you still have that nagging itch that someone new is in your place. Surely that is how it works? The narcissist needs that primary source of fuel to ensure that potent, plentiful and frequent fuel is provided to keep the construct in place. The narcissist cannot be without this particular appliance (or at least not for long) if a fuel crisis is to be averted, so what has happened? What is going on? Where is the new IPPS?

There are four scenarios which are relevant where it appears that a veil has been drawn across the new IPPS.

  1. Didn’t Receive the Memo

There is a new IPPS and the narcissist has not gone without the necessary fuel, but you do not know about it because you have simply missed the fact that this is happening. You have looked in the wrong places, you have been kept out of the loop and the side lining and ostracization which takes place following your disengagement has meant that you just have not come across the evidence of the new IPPS. You haven’t been included in the Relationship Bulletins because you have, as the former IPPS, been deleted from the world of the narcissist and you just haven’t learned of the new IPPS although he or she is very much there.

2. Keeping It In The Family

Your suspicion that there is a new primary source is a well-founded suspicion but you have been looking in the wrong place. You have been looking for the new romantic partner of the narcissist, expecting to see him and her promenading together, dining at the haunts you were once taken to and splashed all over social media. Since you cannot find these indicators you are puzzled – surely he needs a primary source but where is she?

It is possible that the primary source is not an IPPS but a Non Intimate Primary Source and this usually means a family member. The narcissist has not ensnared a romantic primary source, for various reasons and therefore has fallen back on a family member to be the chief provider of fuel (and often considerable residual benefits). The NIPS will usually be a parent, child or sibling, in that order of likelihood. Extended family members can be NIPS but this is rarer.

If the narcissist has lived at home with a parent or moved back to live with the parent and you do not see a romantic primary source, it is highly likely that the mother or father is now the primary source. If the narcissist has children (minor or adult) and they live with the narcissist, one of these children will be crowned as the primary source and this is why you cannot find the new girlfriend.

If the narcissist rents an apartment with her sister or brother, then again, they are likely to be the primary source. If there is no romantic primary source and you know the narcissist is living with a family member, then it is a Keeping It In The Family scenario. If they are not living with a family member and you cannot find a romantic partner, ascertain whether the narcissist is spending a lot of time with a family member. Are they turning up at their mother’s house a lot? Do you know if he or she is popping across every day for dinner? Also keep in mind there are likely to be communications which you are not privy to between narcissist and family member which underlines their status as the new primary source.


There is a new IPPS but you are not being allowed to see that this person is in place. The narcissist is concerned that you are going to cause a major issue to the new golden period for this new IPPS and does not want you interfering. You have been smeared as a crazed harpy, the lunatic and psycho ex, so that the loyal members of the coterie form a protective wall around the narcissist and his new love interest. The coterie and the lieutenants will have been extensively briefed as to your catalogue of (fabricated) awful behaviours towards the narcissist, but your obsessed investigations as you sought to obtain answers are now used against you. You are painted as the crazy stalker, the oddball who just will not move on and although in part you are unable to move on, it is not for the reasons that have been explained about you.

The narcissist is most concerned that you are going to try to expose him or her to the new IPPS so that the wonderful golden period is derailed. He or she is worried that precious energy will be taken up trying to keep you away, fending off your attempts to display the truth about us as the narcissist seeks to manage the façade and prevent his good name being muddied. You will not find a Greater Narcissist in this position. The concern about you and what you will do is the preserve of the Mid Ranger (most likely) and the Lesser (to a degree) and therefore it is those schools who will be keeping the new IPPS on the down low. They will frequent different places, avoid social media pronouncements, block you on social media and create the appearance of there not being a new IPPS all done to ensure that you do not spoil matters.

This situation is most likely where you have escaped or if you have been disengaged it is where you have shown particular application in trying to have your truth told to many other appliances within the fuel matrix so you are refusing to abide by the expected role of weeping and woeful former IPPS. Show any fight against being controlled in this way, demonstrate a desire to confront and challenge and you will be swiftly labelled as a troublemaker. The narcissist will then pull a veil over the IPPS, shrouding them from you, ensuring the coterie makes no mention of a new girlfriend, avoiding any possibility of detection and thus ensuring that the newly embedded IPPS is not affected by your crazed rantings.

4.Secondary Sources Rule

You cannot find a new IPPS for the simple reason that there is not one. The narcissist has not embedded a new IPPS or NIPS. Instead, the narcissist is content to operate by obtaining fuel from key secondary sources IPSSs, DLSs and NISSs. There are two instances where this occurs

  1. The narcissist is a Greater and has such an extensive fuel matrix that he can readily juggle various IPSSs and DLSs who provide plenty of fuel and therefore there is not yet a need for an IPPS (Greaters very rarely have NIPSs) . Indeed, some Greaters may operate a fuel matrix of extensive secondary sources and no primary source for several months;
  2. The narcissist is Mid Range or Lesser and has not been able to embed a new IPPS quickly enough and therefore has been forced to rely on the supplementary sources (secondary and tertiary) in the meanwhile. This state of affairs will not last long and the narcissist will be endeavouring to find an IPPS or turn to a NIPS if need be.

Thus, just because you cannot spot the new love interest of the narcissist who has callously disengaged from you (or more rarely you have escaped from) it does not mean that there is not one. Usually that primary source has an obscuring veil placed across them.

20 thoughts on “The Veiled Primary Source

  1. Karen says:

    I was the IPPS disengaged and called crazy. Now I’m blocked everywhere. The narc ex claims he has new IPPS that started while with me. I can’t find ANY TRACE/INFO about her. For 4 months I’ve looked everywhere. His roommate claims no one comes by & has never heard about her. Would the ex make up such a lie to manipulate me & keep saying how he hates me? I told him I was done this past week & he reached out to tell me he has Covid. He blocked me again so I can’t find out if he’s healthy. Is he faking this too for sympathy? What’s the purpose if I’m so hated?! If I’m blocked?! I tried to kill myself over this. I don’t know what to do.

  2. leelasfuelstinks says:

    As I wrote earlier: Some narcissists appear to be always “single” while they never are. Either there´s an IPPS in devaluation somewhere and/or a whole harem of IPSSes. “Single” narcissists are only on the hunt for a replacement or another IPSS. 🙄

    1. Empath007 says:

      Yes. “Single” is becoming a trend. Look at Kourtney Kardashian for instance… it appeared that inbetween Scott and Travis there was only 1? Short term boyfriend… but my guess is she’s had a lot more sex then that lol.

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        I think when it comes to people with NPD then it´s never wrong to doubt their “single status” 😉 It´s not only for hunting purposes but also to cover up all the dirty laundry and the skeletons in their closets. 😉

    2. A Victor says:

      What about young narcissists? At what point do they have am ipps? I mean, when they live in a roommate situation, or alone, how can they have one?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        They can have a NIPPS.

  3. Contagious says:

    Yes. Anyone out there…my secondary source has been mum. As princess Diana said there were three of us in the marriage. When we first met she was ill, could not feel her hands, was not eating so during our engagement at Christmas, he cried. Where was mum? She showed up fine two weeks later. It got worse, she passed out drunk before he returned to see his wife the day he was leaving, then she took pills a year later, the next yeAr she cut her chest and arms with a knife writing my son hates me on her door, he missed his flight, the next was to throw herself screaming which he heard outside during the worst storm in uk, she went to the hospital, she was ok the next day, then the next she broke his hone and his greatest gift from his grandma who he called mum as she raised him, his guitar. She did not speak to him for 14 months while with me. And of every fight offered him free rent. A child’s solice. And when that did not work, she threatened his inheritance at a time he lost his job. He caved. And I have another. Was he the subject of a narc or a narc? I could write about him. BPD it seems. Where is a mother’s love if so? No empathy at all.

  4. Empath007 says:

    Going on 3 years… and I work with his friends… no sign of an IPPS… he likes to juggle fuel sources, how he manages to convince all of us to shut up I have no idea, but he leaves next to no tracks.

    1. leelasfuelstinks says:

      If there´s no sign of an IPPS then there´s a big harem 😉

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Not necessarily.

        1. Empath007 says:

          I’m intrigued. I have always found it interesting he did not fit the typical narcissist Mold in respect to this subject. I find it strange he has not publicly announced a girlfriend in about 8 years. But then again… he is strange.

          1. maddy says:

            Mine hid her completely from me for two years. I even started to think he was gay.

          2. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Because there may be DLSes who do not fit the facade? Or maybe there´s a boyfriend not a girlfriend but that would damage the facade? Too much dirty laundry there which is very bad for the facade. 😉

          3. leelasfuelstinks says:

            We should not forget that some narcissists marry only for the facade or have heterosexual relationships only for the facade. They may get their fuel from a relationship, which is socially not accepted: emotional incest, homosexual relationship in a more conservative or religious environment, an IPPS who may not be socially acceptable like a much older or much younger woman or man, a family member could be the NIPS and besides they may have IPSSes, male or female or both, DLSs, male or female who are married, in a relationship, relatives like cousins, men or women or both who are radical activists, people with bad reputations, prostitutes, whatever would be very bad for the facade and have to be kept in secret.

          4. Fiona says:

            In response, I recall being relieved I was done however, the veil was eventually and steadily removed for me by ex and my unsuspecting children (young men)for me. First by asking my ‘permission to date then to move in with her. My reaction was neutral but effectively fuel as of course I said ‘go, be happy’ . It turned out his new partner had been in the background for 7 years, even meeting the boys. Now he has 95% disengaged with this part of his life bar social norms (boy’s birthdays etc). I understand he has had several partners since then but I finally put the brakes on the boys sharing this information as that was his only route to access me.

            Whilst I understand your curiosity, I guess I’m saying, to not know, to not hear/see announcements is not strange at all. You will know, if he/she want you to know.

          5. leelasfuelstinks says:

            I won´t know. It´s over. The last relationship was non-intimate anyway, so he could do whatever he pleases anyway. That´s why I was surprised that he appeared “always single” because I wouldn´t have any problems with his IPPS or IPSSes (male or female, who cares). I am liberal and don´t judge others for their lifestyles. Everybody should live the way they want. I would have even been tolerant if he had had a whole harem. None of my business. I was meant to become a Lieutenant, not an IPSS or DLS.

      2. Empath007 says:

        Haha. Who knows, only one of his ladies has been public enough to be on social media… and that must have been a struggle for her to get that status. I’ve known of other women who’ve told me they’ve been with him but no one ever gets to be public knowledge per say. I’m certain he’s with someone – his friends would not break his confidence and tell me – because he does not flaunt fuel sources. His “good guy” facade is such that most would assume from the outside he’s not great with the ladies… but thats not true.

        My belief is that it’s generational. He’s in his late 20s and in today’s dating world the narcissist always wants to keep their options open. They want to appear detached so they can readily swap fuel sources when the mood strikes them but they are not a “jerk” for doing so because they created no publicty strong bond with the victim… she complains and looks stupid too since (to the public eye) there was no commitment. Plus – most partners are less and less interested in committing as things like marriage are becoming less and less important in society.

        That’s my opinion based on observation.

        1. leelasfuelstinks says:

          Very good input, Empath. Thank you. I believed the opposite actually 😂 I thought as marriage and the classic lifestyle becomes less and less important, and I am a liberal and tolerant person, I could not see any problem with him having even a whole harem or being gay or bisexual or pansexual or whatever. He wanted me as his Lieutenant and not as IPSS, IPPS, DLS or whatever. Couldn´t see any reason for secrets.

      3. Empath007 says:

        Absolutely. It could be a number of different reasons. All of which, are no longer any of my business. But one can’t help but be intrigued.

  5. Staci says:

    Have you participated in a documentary?
    I recently watched a doc and the voice sounded like yours.

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