The Errors of the Ignorant : Number One

Just love him as much as you can and it will work out.

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

It is a common response by those who fail to recognise our kind and also have no understanding of what we are and how we operate to tell the bewildered victim that the cure to our odd and unpleasant behaviour is to shower us with love.

Note that here the timing is important. We are devaluing you and therefore you are already on that slippery slope towards dis – engagement.

If, as someone who has been ensnared by one of our kind, you turn to somebody who is empathic for advice to understand what is going on, you will fall foul of their empathic trait of being a love devotee. This belief in the power of love, whilst a good trait in itself, is corrupted to become a burden when it is added to the equation with our kind. This near slavish belief in the fact that love will conquer all ills and overcome all problems results in an understandable, albeit misguided, injunction to apply more love to the problem with the narcissist.

It is not going to work. It is too late.

This is suggested most often with regard to the romantic dynamic between victim and narcissist. The advisor fails to recognise that the temper tantrums, the silent treatments and the name-calling, amongst so much else, are manifestations of the ignited fury of a wounded narcissist and instead attribute them to something else – it does not matter what the chosen descriptions might be because they are wrong. This means that the advisor fails to identify that the victim is in the grip of a narcissist in this romantic entanglement. They also fail to recognise what this means in terms of behaviour and as a consequence they see the application of love as a panacea which will cure all ills. This does not work with our kind.

There is no issue in providing us with more and more love during the golden period. Indeed, this is what we want and as a consequence of that approach you provide us with plenty of positive fuel. All is well. Of course, your confusion and bewilderment begins when we start to devalue you and you cannot understand why it is happening. Thus, you turn to someone else, some advisor, to try to gain answers for these unfathomable behaviours, volte faces and about turns.

The devaluation may occur for several reasons, when in the romantic dynamic between narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) but in the majority of cases it is because of the failure by the IPPS to maintain fuel at the right level of frequency, quantity and potency.

If you love us more and therefore provide us with more positive fuel during devaluation then there are several outcomes which can occur, but ultimately they all arrive at the same place; failure.

  1. If the problem was that your positive fuel was not stale but you were not providing it as often and as in the quantities we wanted, then an extra push of loving behaviour from you will remedy the problem BUT only for a short while. You will be granted a Respite Period by the narcissist as your positive fuel shines once again and the golden period returns. This may last for a few weeks, perhaps months, but it will ultimately result in your finding yourself in the place detailed at point three below;
  2. If the drop off in your positive fuel was caused by quantity and frequency issues, then devaluation has begun and there is a risk that we have begun the process of engaging with finding your replacement. Dependent on how advanced those searches are and how effective the prospective replacements are responding, even though you increase the frequency and quantity it may not be enough to save you from continuing devaluation, because of the interaction with one or more Candidate Intimate Partner Secondary Sources. Thus, loving us all the more does not work and your devaluation continues;
  3. The problem may not be the frequency and/or quantity but the level of potency. We have, in essence, had too much of a good thing and our familiarity to your potent positive fuel means it has lost its allure. Consequently, by trying to give us more of something we have become ‘sickened’ to, is not going to work. It is like someone becoming tired of strawberry ice cream and you turning up with a huge tub of strawberry ice cream. You will not stop the devaluation. Even if you managed to secure a Respite Period (see one above) eventually the familiarity issue will appear and you will find yourself in a situation where the potency no longer is effective, no matter how hard you try to love us and show that that love and devaluation will continue.

The consequences of this is that advising somebody to continue to love and to show even more love for us are:-

  1. The creation of a false hope that the perplexing behaviour we engage in will end;
  2. Victims will remain in an abusive and misery-inducing relationship for longer than they need to;
  3. Exposure to potential harm – whether it is the physically explosive response of a Lesser Narcissist through to the enduring mind games and psychological torture of coupling with a Greater Narcissist. The risk is increased of some form of harm – sexual, physical, psychological and/or financial arising;
  4. A complete erosion of the victim as they keep giving and giving of themselves, spurred on by this apparent authority that love will provide them with the answer to the issue and make it all good;
  5. A further false hope whereby if a Respite Period has arisen, the victim is conned into thinking that this increased loving has been successful, when in actual fact all it has done is secure a stay of execution and most likely made the eventual resumption of the devaluation all the harder to endure;
  6. The pollution of the victim. At some point the victim will be dis – engaged with and the failure of this apparent panacea of applying increased loving runs the risk of creating cynicism so that the victim feels unable to and/or unwilling to ever try to love anybody else again in a romantic sense.

This advice provided by somebody who is ignorant about what we are is tantamount to saying to somebody, “Stay in the burning house because eventually the fire will stop and you will then be okay.”

If you are in the romantic dynamic with our kind, all the continued provision of your love when the devaluation has already commencedwill achieve is to cause you to be bound to us and it signals to us that there is more negative fuel to be drawn from you because of your desperation to remain with us and to try to apply love to cure a situation which has now become one which cannot be cured.

16 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant : Number One

  1. Duchessbea says:

    HG, are you going to be doing an Expose on Josh Duggar. Your opinion would be interesting on that score and what you think of his father Jim Bob.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I was unaware of who this individual was prior to googling his name. I can understand why you would regard him as a worthy subject of analysis.

      1. Duchessbea says:

        Looking forward to hearing your commentary HG. There is, I would say a lot of subject analysis here if only based on the media coverage in the last week. Certainly an interesting one to get your take and opinion on. No one equals the ‘Silver Tongued Devil’ when it comes to conversing about your kind. Thank you HG.

    2. A Victor says:

      Duchessbea, I had been considering putting Josh on my Know the Narcissist list. Thank you for bringing him up here.

      1. Duchessbea says:

        Hi A Victor. Just based on the amount of media coverage online etc. that Josh Duggar’s bail has generated, I would be very interested to hear HG’s take on this subject. Plus based on the way some of his sisters are, in a way, turning against their families way of doing things and telling it how it really is, I think will make for a more interesting breakdown and analysis from HG. Also, the parents, Jim Bob and Michelle, were made aware of the first allegations in 2002, the present day behaviour of them to the seriousness of the charges against Josh is shocking. It’s Anna and her family that I feel sorry for them. I do hope his wife Anna sees sense and leaves for a better life.

        1. A Victor says:

          Yes, that whole thing has been insane from the start. But, in my ex’s family, the mother was told of similar behavior by some brothers and she refused to go to the father, throwing the girls under the bus, because she was afraid of what the father would do to the boys. So she protected them. We live in a sick world. It is really sad and I agree, I hope Anna is able to see the light and take steps for protection.

        2. Violetta says:

          The Duggars are entirely about image, not substance. He ran for office at some point. They dressed the kids in cutesy matching clothes as if it had been an orphanage, with a red theme, presumably for Republican, since it wasn’t Christmas. His platform called for capital punishment for rape and incest:

          As for Anna, she has no education for any career but housewife. She probably doesn’t even know there are resources for women trapped in bad marriages or needing career help. Their culty “church” has no doubt given her “pastoral counseling,” which will have been every bit as useful as the “Christian Rehabilitation Program” for Josh, which seems to have involved no psychological treatment whatever: just volunteer work with a pastor.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    HG, is the book ‘Wuthering Heights’ still a favourite of yours?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is.

      1. Violetta says:

        What elements do you like about it most? Depiction of bond between C&H, accurate depiction of long-term effects of abusive family, vivid sense of countryside, scathing depiction of religious hypocrisy?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The lurking sense of chaos.

          1. Violetta says:

            That would encompass all of the above.

  3. Violetta says:

    “Now, was it not the depth of absurdity—of genuine idiocy, for that pitiful, slavish, mean-minded brach to dream that I could love her? Tell your master, Nelly, that I never, in all my life, met with such an abject thing as she is. She even disgraces the name of Linton; and I’ve sometimes relented, from pure lack of invention, in my experiments on what she could endure, and still creep shamefully cringing back!”

    Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte

    1. WiserNow says:

      ” ‘Take care, Ellen!’ answered Isabella, her eyes sparkling irefully; there was no misdoubting by their expression the full success of her partner’s endeavours to make himself detested. ‘Don’t put faith in a single word he speaks. He’s a lying fiend! a monster, and not a human being! I’ve been told I might leave him before; and I’ve made the attempt, but I dare not repeat it! Only, Ellen, promise you’ll not mention a syllable of his infamous conversation to my brother or Catherine. Whatever he may pretend, he wishes to provoke Edgar to desperation: he says he has married me on purpose to obtain power over him; and he sha’n’t obtain it – I’ll die first! I just hope, I pray, that he may forget his diabolical prudence and kill me! The single pleasure I can imagine is to die, or to see him dead!’ ”

      From Isabella’s reply, I think she had Heathcliff figured out. It may have been an ‘error’ to marry him, but I don’t believe she was ignorant for long about what kind of person she was married to 😉

      Wuthering Heights is a classic and the Bronte sisters were great writers.

      1. Violetta says:

        The Lintons aren’t that wonderful. They must know from gossip that Heathcliff was originally brought up as a son by Mr. Earnshaw, but they don’t step in for anyone but Cathy, even when they see him being treated worse than a servant (certainly worse than Nelly, who is a servant). The Lintons children ridicule him both when they find Cathy and Heathcliff spying on them and at the Christmas party, when Edgar claims talking about him in front of him doesn’t violate the prohibition not to speak to him. They have everything, but nearly tug a dog to death in a petty squabble, while Cathy and Heathcliff share everything, despite their deprivation.

        I wouldn’t argue the Lintons are narcs themselves: just petty little Normals who make the mistake of getting involved with a dysfunctional clan.

        1. WiserNow says:

          Who said the Lintons were wonderful?

          Apart from the passionate ‘love story’ between Heathcliff and Cathy at the heart of the novel, if you take away the emotional thinking in ‘Wuthering Heights’, the story is like a social comment on the class mentality at the time.

          Cathy admits about Heathcliff: “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” and then also, “it would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now…”

          At the time the novel was published (1847), women who were in a higher social class didn’t work and weren’t independent. They married into a ‘respectable’ family if they were to remain ‘socially acceptable’ in a higher social class. So, ‘marriage’ wasn’t primarily based on passion or instinctive ‘love’ or historical emotional compatibility etc – it was based on what was socially acceptable.

          Cathy loved Heathcliff, but the socially ‘shameful’ aspects of Heathcliff’s history – being an adopted waif and then treated as a servant – meant that marriage to Heathcliff would demote Cathy to a lower class.

          The Lintons were of a ‘higher’ class, so they were ‘acceptable’ in a social sense.

          Ironic that the story is narrated by Nelly, who is a servant. So the reader, who was probably prejudiced about the whole ‘master/servant’ dynamic in society at the time, was ‘seeing’ the whole story unfold through the eyes of a servant.

          It’s a great novel.

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