Parasite

 

PARASITE

 

You fed off me and I am sick of it. You attached yourself to me drawn by my magnetism, but I never asked you to. You just decided that you wanted to be with me, you need me, truth be told and because I am magnanimous I allowed you to attach to me but as of late your taking and leeching has begun to annoy me. You cannot deny this is what you are. The evidence speaks for itself.

You saw my charm, my attractiveness, my easy manner with people and how they are drawn to me and like some opportunist you decided that you wanted some of that. You realised that you could benefit massively by attaching yourself to me. You could avail yourself of my impeccable reputation, my scintillating presence and my esteemed connections.

I do not blame you for wanting to be associated with me, who would not? Who would not want such a slice of the action as me? The opportunity to move in circles that you had never experienced before. The chance to be somebody. The time to clamber upwards from the tedious life you led and the doldrums in which you festered.

I suppose I ought to admire your desire to improve yourself and better yourself by seeing what I am and what I do and wanting to be a part of that world. You certainly did become part of that world as well. You enjoyed my extraordinary largesse as you accepted my gifts, my invitations and my cold hard cash. You were delighted to be on my arm as we went to so many special places.

You were granted access all areas. You consumed the love I poured in your direction, drinking deep of my passion, my affection and my dedication. I helped you, I listened, I advised. I called you often as you wanted me to. I made sure you felt safe and secure with my frequent messages and attention to your well-being.

I allowed your friends and family to become part of my entourage, they certainly had no qualms about getting on the gravy train did they? You dominated my attention, engulfed me with your need to keep taking from me. Even when matters became difficult you did not stop with your neediness. You wanted reassurance still, to be told that I loved you, to be taken to those special places once again.

You tried to stop me doing what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. You wanted to prevent me spending time with my friends and yes before you say anything they were always only ever my friends. Honest. You saw me as an easy target. I see that now and you kept taking, taking and taking.

Is it little wonder that my irritation became annoyance? That my annoyance became fury? You just would not stop taking from me and in the end I had to stop this. I had to find someone who would give rather than take and that meant I had to be rid of you. That is why I chose someone else to escape your leeching and draining behaviour. That is why I cast you aside. You are a parasite.

 

You fed off me and I am sick with it. You attached yourself to me drawn by my goodness, but I never asked you to. You just decided that you wanted to be with me, you need me, truth be told and because I am the kind and caring person that I pride myself on being, I allowed you to attach to me but as of late your taking and leeching has begun to destroy me. You cannot deny this is what you are.

The evidence speaks for itself. You saw my compassion, my attractiveness, my empathic manner with people and how they respond to such kindness and love and like some opportunist you decided that you wanted all of that for yourself. You realised that you could benefit massively by attaching yourself to me. You could avail yourself of my gushing compassion, my reflective presence as my emotional nature. I do not blame you for wanting to be with me, who would not when they are a creature like you?

Who would not want such to erode me slice by slice? The opportunity to move yet again in circles that you had experienced before. The chance to be make yourself feel like somebody for once. The time to clamber upwards from the empty life you lead and the chasm which threatens to engulf you. I suppose I ought to admire your desire to improve yourself and better yourself by seeing what I am and what I do and wanting to make me part of you by swallowing me up.

You certainly did make me become part of you as I struggle to remember most days who I am and what I was before I met you. You enjoyed my extraordinary love as you accepted my attentiveness, my invitation into my heart and my warm, loving nature. You were delighted to be on my arm as we went to so many special places. You were granted access all areas to who I was and you saw no reason to ever respect my identity.

You consumed the love I poured in your direction, drinking deep of my passion, my affection and my dedication. I helped you, I listened, I advised and even when you began to abuse me, I never wavered from that. I called you often as you wanted me to. I made sure you felt safe and secure with my frequent messages and attention to your well-being. I allowed my friends and family to become part of your facade, they certainly had no qualms about forgetting me following your smear campaigns did they?

You dominated my attention, engulfed me with your need to keep taking from me. Even when matters became difficult you did not stop with your neediness. You wanted reassurance still, to be told that I loved you, to be taken to those special places inside my soul once again. You tried to stop me doing what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. You wanted to prevent me spending time with my friends and yes before you say anything they were my friends until you banished them. Honest. You saw me as an easy target. I see that now and you kept taking, taking and taking.

Is it little wonder that my confusion became despair? That my despair became desperation? You just would not stop taking from me and in the end I need to find a way to stop this, but I can’t seem to. You won’t stop.  I have to find someone who will give rather than take and that means I need to be rid of you.

I know this has to happen but I feel I cannot escape you, you have drained and leeched from me to such an extent that I am barely able to think and function. That is why I need to cast you aside but how can I when you will not let me go and you will not stop causing me to love you. You are a parasite.

Who is the parasite. You, me or both of us?

The parasite is the one who benefits at the expense of the other.

Who is the parasite?

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13 thoughts on “Parasite

  1. Ciara says:

    Sounds like both . The Codependents and narc, both have similarities but different agendas. The only thing that separates them is lack of empathy and the narc thinks he’s the supreme god. Misery loves company 😂

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Re-reading this article, only an aware narcissist or an educated empath are more likely to say the words as such in this post.

    As I re-read the second part, I recalled the main two times in my life where I was such an out-going, confident and sassy individual before I was ensnared by the Lesser and MR. After the period of time I was ‘with’ them, I ‘lost’ myself within myself (mentally & emotionally). I was ‘consumed’ within the depths of myself. I was also ‘drained’ of who “I” once was before I met these two narcissists.

    I was also surrounded by other narcissists in non-intimate ‘relationships’ in the working environments of the Lesser and the MR !!

    HG absolutely nailed it in ‘Five Intangible Thefts’ – self-esteem; self-confidence; critical thinking; credibility and trust. I don’t think victims always realise, or notice the reduction of the 5 things within themselves, unless someone else outside the situation points it out (even if that person is unaware of the influences of narcissism being the cause).

    Looking at the image of this article (the ‘person’), I’d wondered if it were possible to peel back the layers of me, I’d probably look like that, on a chosen day 😉 Well, I do have the dark triad traits…….not necessarily negative traits to have because they can be good to possess, providing there is empathy present and are used appropriately, since I am now aware of these traits and can recognise when I am using them 🙂

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi Asp Emp, this comment really brought to the fore the ‘Five Intangible Thefts’, specifically self-esteem and self-confidence. I made me realize that for ACONs we start as adults at a deficit already in these areas. All of them really but those two I had not considered before. It has been striking me these last couple of days, with some of the comments I’ve read, that my mother really set me up to not only not know how to choose a partner well but even worse, to believe I am not worthy of a decent one. This has been another gut kick, not as hard as some, but I had not connected those dots before and now, geez, it’s no surprise I’ve accepted abusive behavior. Her mind games, her belief that she was superior and we were all inferior and therefore deserved nothing, really sent strong messages, ones I am just now seeing clearly. How to reset those messages? No idea, it just feels overwhelming at this moment. Just another thing to work through. I’m so tired of having to sort through the crap she put on us, and that my dad did also, I just want to go on vacation. But there is no vacation from this, it will follow me until it is done. Ugh.

      I had the same experience of being that confident person who was subsumed quickly. I’m sure the confidence was not strong being what I’m learning here, the result of being an ACON, but it was the most confidence I have known, during 3 different occasions of singleness. I do think there is an element of me giving up that confidence, that is where I can make changes going forward. Today, though I am glad for the information, I am more frustrated with having to deal with it at all. But, it must be done. Thank you for your comment, you have done it, successfully, I am encouraged by that.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hey AV, RE: ‘that-thing-upstairs’ and her implying you were not worthy of a decent partner…. Interesting, that reminded me of when I was dating a guy who was around 15 years older than me (he was lovely) and my mother said to him “If only I was younger” – fkg bitch, he told me about that later on. An empath or a normal would not DARE to flirt with their daughter’s boyfriend. He was the only one mother “approved” of. Bloody hell.

        I know it is not easy RE: how to reset those messages? – Hence, my starting my response to you ‘that-thing-upstairs’ (laughing) – remember responding to an article (video) ‘This Mindset Equals Victory’ where it is suggested that we view our narcissists as ‘IT’. That is, in my view, the start, either ‘IT’ or ‘that-thing-upstairs’.

        I understand perfectly when you say “I want to go on vacation” to get away from what you are effectively carrying within yourself – that is the residue / ingrained ET etc that has been instilled in you by the narcissists around you during your life.

        You never gave up your confidence, it was ‘eroded’ by the narcissists around you. They did not give you reassurance, nor stability within your relationships with them. That is an ACON ‘instilled’ response (stemming from childhood), something that would be good for you to take on board and tell yourself “this is why it appears my confidence goes up & down”. You are confident but it drops down, simply because the ET is conning you – it still happens to me, even now, so don’t see it as a negative thing – it is perfectly normal but maybe you need to recognise when your confidence drops, what triggered that, who, why, when – from now on. If it’s ‘that-thing-upstairs’…… walk away and remember what you have learned so far. Chin up, lass….. stick at the positives, breathe, reduce ET & increase LT. Now that you have your daughter on board with you – talk with her. 🙂

        1. A Victor says:

          Asp Emp, so sorry to hear about your mother doing that. They are awful, narc parents. The first thing the thing upstairs (TTU) said about my ex was “Wow! He is good-looking!” I was so confused by that at the time and have thought about it many times since. So odd.

          I try to remember to use TTU but it’s a process. It does help with the ET though.

          You do get it regarding the desire for a vacation. I appreciate that.

          I will watch for my confidence dropping, going to have to get it up first I’m afraid, but paying attentionto who, what, where, why etc when it happens. I am largely unaffected by actual contact with TTU, I virtually never see her and talk to her even less. It is more what is inside my own mind. I have to choose to replace those thoughts with new, positive ones. And I’m just learning to recognize those thoughts, but, it is coming along! Thank you for the words of encouragement, those have been screenshot-ed and put in my encouragement folder! It helps keep my focus! Thank you!!!

          1. Asp Emp says:

            AV, RE: mother flirting with him – yes. Bang out of order, I was around 22 years old then. That is why I had wondered whether narcissists go for younger ‘victims’ because of the fact they ‘mirror’ and hence are ‘seeing’ a younger version of themselves? And not wanting ‘reminders’ that they are getting older?

            Or is it because the narcissist mothers wanted what we had at the time? Maybe it is because they were continuing their control of us – take from us whatever they wanted. I always sensed that mother did not want me to be better than her – at anything. She always put me down despite the evidence of my better ‘talents’ that were natural (inherited from father & grandmother).

            RE: your confidence. I will suggest that it does not matter where your confidence level is, as long as it does not drop lower than where it is now. Just stick with your new path to your own understanding and you will get stronger with your ET / LT.

            Thank you for your words 🙂

          2. A Victor says:

            Asp Emp, my mother takes the credit for anything she perceives I did better, or she uses it as an opportunity to have a pity party for herself, thus bringing the focus back to her again. And, as an extension of her, in her mind only, my having anything good made her look good too, again in her mind anyway. It belonged to her as much as it belonged to me since she ‘owns’ me. Gross. That was a hard one to sort through, but necessary, thank you.

          3. Asp Emp says:

            AV, interesting that “mother takes the credit for anything she perceives” – mine was critical, so bloody critical of anything I did achieve. She was jealous, angry, critical etc but not like that towards my sister. It didn’t occur to me until I came to this site and understood what it was all about. Still, it was not acceptable because of how I turned out and having to ‘reverse’ that internal damage. Gawd, narcissistic mothers !! My sister says to me “She’ll be at peace now” when mother died. FFS. Enduring a further 14 years of ‘unrest’ because of her abuse and now I have that ‘peace’. Finally!

            Hope you will be able to achieve your ‘severing’ ties with TTU, eventually. 🙂

          4. A Victor says:

            Yeah, my parents were critical too but my dad did it mostly through his silences and she did it mostly when she told us to do something and we didn’t do it perfectly the first time. We were just failures. If my sister says that to me when TTU goes, I’ll punch her.

      2. lickemtomorrow says:

        I can totally relate to your first paragraph, AV. Thank you for putting it into words.

    2. lickemtomorrow says:

      I don’t think I’ve read the “Five Intangible Thefts”, going to need to look that one up, but I appreciate you bringing it to our attention, AspEmp. I wonder if we sense we are being drained of these things, but somehow the cognitive dissonance keeps us from being able to get a handle on how that is happening. And as children we lack the ability for the most part to do anything about it. But for someone else to point it out would be beneficial, just in terms of giving us the validation that something is wrong, and then we might begin to work out what it is and this it’s not coming from us. That there is an external force impacting on us.

      The image is very ‘anime’, and also very dark. I think we can all look like that at times. Knowing it is what makes the difference and you’ve put it very well, AspEmp.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hello LET 🙂 RE: Five Tangible Thefts article – I am not sure but maybe it is similar to ‘5 Invisible Things We Steal From You’ – this is on the list of audios under the heading ‘Listen to HG Tudor’….. yes, as children we are not able to do anything because we do not necessarily understand and we are only ‘learning’ from within the family / home environment – which becomes our “normal” – I had no clue until I went to boarding school & seeing other parents NOT like what I had (my father was not like mother & passed 2 years prior to my boarding school).

        Yes, it is interesting to be able to analyse and view things differently – I was being lateral RE: the image. Thank you for your words 🙂

  3. njfilly says:

    You suck

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