The 10 Obligations of the Empath


In order to manipulate you and control you, we rely on certain behaviours which cause you to act out of fear. Fear of injury, isolation, financial ruin, loss of your home or loss of your children. We also rely on your deeply embedded sense of obligation. Owing to your honesty and decency, you feel need to do certain things. Your sense of obligation is greater than normal and we exploit this in the following ways:

  1. You feel responsible for us

So much of what we do is of our own doing. In fact, next to nothing is caused by you when looked at through your worldview. From our perspective you are responsible for everything. It is always your fault and we repeatedly project and blame-shift in order to condition you to feel responsible for us. You already have a sense of responsibility towards us. You feel a sense of responsibly to nearly everybody because of the fact you are caring and compassionate. This increases when it comes to us because we are your intimate partner and you believe that it is the intimate partner who ranks amongst the highest who deserve such responsibility. This increases again when you realise that we have certain flaws and you feel a need to take on responsibility for them. Indeed, combine this natural state with the conditioning that we cause and you become someone who is over-responsible for us.

  1. You feel that you owe us

Once again this is a combination of the natural and the condition. You have been given such a wonderful time during the seduction period, given so much both material and emotional that you feel you do owe us. You are also a person who is polite and well-mannered and you feel a natural desire to return favours, thank people for what they do for you and a sense of paying the debt that has arisen. We also believe you owe us for everything we gave you during the seduction and accordingly you are obliged to repay us for the rest of the relationship and beyond. Combine these two elements and a powerful obligation of owing us is created which we are then able to exploit to our advantage.

  1. You feel sorry for us

That natural sympathy people possess is available in spades with someone as empathic as you. You never regard someone as weak or pathetic but rather feel sorry for them. You would not regard a homeless person as a stain on society but rather feel sorry that they find themselves in such a situation and you consider how they ended up where they are what might be done about it. You realise our behaviours are abhorrent but rather than always feel angry about it, you feel sorry for us that we behave this way. You feel sorry that we cannot explain ourselves, that we lash out and behave in such a destructive fashion. Your exuding sympathy not only fuels us but it creates an obligation on your part towards us.

  1. You feel guilty

Even if you know that a certain course of action is for the best, you are assailed by the guilt that you might be hurting someone, stopping them what they want to do or upsetting them in some way. Tough love is not a concept you want to embrace as the guilt at seeing someone else hurting, as a consequence of something that you have done, is too great. This sense of guilt forces you down different routes, often doing things which are not the best for you but nevertheless you feel obligated to do out of this considerable sense of guilt which looms large which someone empathic like you.

  1. You feel a need to fix us

You are a problem solver. You enjoyed the Sound of Music when you were younger and you always felt that if you had been given the chance you would have solved a problem like Maria. You regard it as your role to heal and to fix. You are of the unshakeable mind-set that everybody can be fixed. Everyone can be made better and when you experience the broken elements of our machinations and manipulations you do not shirk from them. Instead, you remain in situ and work out how you can resolve them. This obligation to make things better and to heal is a central part of who you are and is readily exploited by us since we know you are unlikely to go anywhere despite how bad things are.

  1. You feel it is your duty

You have a strong sense of duty. Duty to be an excellent parent, supportive friend, caring son or daughter, hard-working colleague and all round decent human being. Most of all you regard your duty to your intimate partner as one where no matter how difficult things might be you are not going to walk away. This duty is often compelled from the vows that you have taken and a strong religious undertone to your personality.

Duty is paramount and from that rises the obligation.

  1. You feel a need to abide by your standards

So often the world appears to have lost its moral compass and therefore it falls to a diminishing group of people to right the wrongs, stand up for the vulnerable and defend the weak. You often see that people are ruled by those twin gods of sex and money and this causes people to forget who they are and the standards they once adhered to. This is not for you. You do not do this to be lauded by others but do so because you cannot lie straight in your bed at night if you do not uphold these standards for yourself and in your daily dealings. This translates into treating people with patience, understanding, compassion and empathy, no matter how difficult it becomes. Some might suggest that you are making a rod for your own back.

  1. You feel a need to maintain appearances

This is not done for your own benefit. You are not like us creating an image to show the world. No, you do this to maintain appearances for the sake of others. It is keeping the family together for the sake of your children so they are not upset. It is appearing to get along with your difficult brother for the sake of your fragile elderly parents. It is taking one for the team in order to maintain an appearance so that you deal with the pain and aggravation so others do not. This need creates an obligation in you which we are content to exploit as we know it will keep you around and stop you from speaking out about what we do.

  1. You feel a need to never give up.

You are not a quitter. You do not give up at the first bump in the road or black cloud. You keep going, you are tenacious. You are indefatigable and you persevere. You plough forwards and feel that it is only right to do this because you know that the just reward will come at the end of it. Anything worth doing is worth doing properly. Anything worth having takes effort. We applaud this desire to stick at things.

  1. You feel a need to have done your best

When everything is added up and evaluated, at the end of the day, you want that satisfaction, just for yourself, to know that you did your best and you could have done no more. You always consider whether you could have done something a different way and more effectively. You are self-critical and behave like this in order to fulfil your chosen role as a good person. This obliges you to try and try again.

These empathic obligations result in your remaining with us longer, enduring more of our abusive behaviours and forgiving more of what we do than an ordinary person. We know these obligations exist and we exploit them.

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66 thoughts on “The 10 Obligations of the Empath

  1. Asp Emp says:

    Despite my bent halo 😉

    I am going to take HG’s article out of context – by switching it from his descriptions of a narcissist’s perception (where applicable in this article). Some of the article is applicable as read, in relation to empaths.

    As empaths, we, together,

    # 1. Responsibility – we may feel we have a responsibility (it’s in our empath nature) to help and support each other – and we do – yet, as individuals, we know we have a responsibility to ourselves to learn what we need to do – reduce our addiction to narcissism and find ways to manage it to weaponise ourselves better against narcissism’s affects.

    # 2. Owe – we owe it to ourselves to do as I suggested in # 1. We also owe HG the honour of his work and to share it as much as we can (safely, against potential ‘harm’ of narcissists that may remain around us).

    # 3. Sorry – in my view, we have nothing to be sorry about. Yes, we empathise and offer sympathy to each other, not narcissists of our past. “Love means never having to say sorry”.

    # 4. Guilty – in my view, we have nothing to feel guilty about because we were ensnared simply for having an addiction to narcissism. Do not feel guilty for toughening yourselves as individuals against narcissism.

    # 5. Need to fix – as empaths, we only have an ‘obligation’ and a need to fix ourselves as individuals before we can be in a better place to help others where narcissism is concerned.

    # 6. Duty – we may feel we have a duty (it’s in our empath nature) to help and support each other – and we do – yet, as individuals, we know we have a duty to ourselves to learn what we need to do – reduce our addiction to narcissism and find ways to manage it to weaponise ourselves better against narcissism’s affects.

    # 7. Abide by standards – absolutely. As individuals, we have our own ‘standards’, which, respectfully, may be different from each other’s as empaths, as long as you feel comfortable about your own standards that you have set for yourself.

    # 8. Maintain appearances – (giggling, inappropriately, for a moment, what ‘appearances’? 😉 ) – those of you who are parents, would have a need to stay strong in front of your children – as a form of protection to them. HG’s words “ It is taking one for the team in order to maintain an appearance so that you deal with the pain and aggravation so others do not” – yet no-one should have to deal with it on their own. Speak out where possible and it’s safe to do so.

    # 9. Never give up – HG’s words in the article under # 9 are applicable, excluding “We applaud this desire to stick at things” from a narcissist’s perspective – however, including them from our perceptions as empaths. And we should be saying those words to ourselves, every day.

    # 10. Done your best – absolutely as per HG’s words in this paragraph. Assess, analyse, evaluate, reassess, re-analyse, re-evaluate ourselves as individuals in relation to our learning and measuring where we are on our journey to ‘beat the narcissist’ from within ourselves (the instilled conditioning from narcissistic abuse) mentally and emotionally by psychologically re-processing our ET / LT to be more in sync.

    It is easier said than done.
    It can be done.
    Tell yourselves and each other that it will be done.
    Most of all, tell HG, that you can, will and have done it. In respectful return for the existence of his work.

    1. doginheaven52 says:

      Excellent and so helpful. I’m referring HG to residents where I work with female addicts and inmates. I put the website on their personal after-care plan when I can. If I could get the acoustics to work right and hook up my laptop we would listen to segments and discuss them. I’m working on this. Our big ass agency is like turning a battle ship around when it comes to getting things done and bringing us into the 21st century.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Excellent work, thank you for referring people to my work. I appreciate you doing so.

        1. doginheaven52 says:

          You are more than welcome HG… Thank you for everything you do.—educating, bringing awareness to what Narcissism is and what it is not and most of all for all the lives you are saving in so many different ways. The most tragic, suicide and homicide.

      2. Asp Emp says:

        doginheaven52, that is absolutely brilliant to read. It’s a really good way of educating those who are vulnerable and to be able to discuss segments (I suppose to aid further understanding, if required?). Made me giggle ‘big ass agency’. I can understand what you mean in relation to turning a battle ship around – it takes time. So great that you are involved in making changes for those that need it for the better. It’s good to know, kudos to you. 🙂

      3. BC30 says:

        THANK YOU D52!!! I see the tragic end of many women* dead at the hands of abusers.

        *(and men too)

  2. Whitney says:

    Dear HG the God,
    I just wanted to tell you a MMR-B hoovered me again.

    He was a friend who was trying to ensnare me. I met him from his “suicidal” post to a public forum. I started trying to help him. I didn’t know about different types of Narcissists yet. I was probably subconsciously trying to fulfil my Narcissist addiction.

    He didn’t want me to leave his house after I listened to him for 3 hours. He pulled me and tried to make me stay there. After that I started No Contact, in 2018.

    He called me from a new number. I hung up on him immediately. I only like UMR and higher.

    I wonder the ideal type of Empath for him to target? Carrier Codependent?

    1. Kiki says:

      You only like UMR and higher .
      I don’t understand this statement 😳
      If you know they are a UMR or higher you would RUN no ?


      1. Whitney says:

        No Kiki I have an addiction

      2. BC30 says:

        What, what, what? I want nothing to do with any narcissist, but I MOST CERTAINLY want nothing to do with a Greater.

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Whitney, I agree with Kiki’s comment in response to your comment. I assumed that you were on this blog to learn how to manage your addiction to narcissism? Some people had really bad experiences of narcissism – especially ACONs, some of which endured traumatic abuse that an ACON would not even wish anyone else to endure.

      1. Whitney says:

        No Asp I don’t have black and white thinking about Narcs

    3. Bubbles says:

      Dearest Whitney,
      I’m ‘guessing’ a reply from Mr Tudor would most likely go along these lines :-
      “Stay off public forums”
      “Get another new number”
      “You shouldn’t like any”
      “All empaths are targets”
      “Stop wondering”
      “You have high ET”
      “Arrange a consultation”
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. A Victor says:

    Today my oldest daughter told me my second daughter had been visiting her dad, my ex, once a month for the past year. I knew she had seen him but not how often etc. Apparently my ex, who has ms, has gone downhill quite drastically. He can no longer think well, drive, will be in a wheelchair soon and so on. He can no longer live where he has been, due to his health issues. The thought crossed my mind that he could live with me. Several of the above are reasons for this thought. Then I had dinner with a friend who said her soon to be ex did her a favor by leaving, why should she undo that favor, there’s no obligation left. That makes sense but I still cried about my ex being in such bad shape, even after all the abuse he did to me.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      AV, he abandoned you without a second thought. Never looked back, never contacted you. Never thought of the effect on his children. Ditched them, too. Hooked up with someone new. There are so many ways he did you wrong, and yet I can still understand the tears coming from your loving and empathic heart 🙁 No one, especially an empath, wants to think of someone else suffering. It’s coded into our DNA to help and heal. That is often what the narcissist is counting on. It’s difficult when you have children involved. Especially if they are empaths, too. They are going to be in the same position in some ways, wanting to do the same thing. I don’t want to give you any advice, I can’t. He has made his bed. You are already caring for your mother and offering your support to her. That is an obligation you have chosen to fulfill for now. If we allow them, narcissists would have us being obligated to them for the rest of their/our lives. Your friend, I believe, is right. I know you know it makes sense. Now let me help dry those tears which he doesn’t deserve and which we know he never shed for you. As a narcissist, it’s almost a guarantee he will find a way to meet his own needs.

      1. A Victor says:

        LET, this was exactly what I needed to hear, thank you so much! I can be sad for the lost potential of his life, and for him as a human as he struggles with his health but even these I can’t dwell on, it is a breach of NC. Thank you for your comment, very helpful, one that is being stored in my go to file for moments when I may need the reminder. I am grateful my second daughter has chosen not to divulge about him to me, none of my kids want me to take him back or even reach out to him. This had been literally a fleeting thought on a very few occasions over the years, I have never wanted to do those things in earnest. But it told me how they felt and I am grateful to them. Thank you again LET, my head is back on and straight again! 🙂

        1. MP says:

          Hello AV, My husband’s first wife whom I think is an N also has MS. She’s married to this guy who is younger than her. He takes care of her, pushes her wheelchair, helps her around while she belittles and insulta him. We rarely interact with them and only about my special needs stepson but we see how she’s so bossy to him and treats him like he’s stupid. He’s in and out of alcohol rehab since he married her. My husband has told me several times he doesn’t understand what he’s getting from that marriage and why he’s still with her. Ns never change.

          1. A Victor says:

            My ex’s mind is going also apparently, I believe from the MS, though they deny that it affects the thinking. I thought perhaps this would reduce some of his narcissistic qualities. Probably not the way it sounds.

          2. MP says:

            I personally don’t think it would. I don’t know if you have read the narcissist on deathbead articles here. It can potentially even make his control of facade less and therefore lash out more. But I am not a doctor and it’s just my guess.

          3. A Victor says:

            My dad had Alzheimer’s, died from it last year. He changed but was still pretty horrible sometimes, just in different ways. Who knows how much was the illness vs the narcissism. I have wondered.

          4. MP says:

            Condolence AV. I think illness could affect everyone differently. My mother had Tuberculosis and she was horrible to the doctors and people taking care of her. Not taking her medicines and pulling her IV off until there was no more place to put IV on her. I think the type of illness and type of narcissism could be factors.

          5. A Victor says:

            Thank you MP. He is better off and frankly I am also. I do miss him, who he once was, the good parts. But his narcissism made lots of things quite heavy. I am sorry you had to go through this with your mother also. It is sad for us.

          6. MP says:

            Thank you AV. I could totally relate to what you said. It’s a very complicated mix of emotions. I’m sorry you had to go through that too.

        2. lickemtomorrow says:

          I’m so glad I could help, AV, and maybe dry some of those tears. I’m also glad you were able to make the connection with the breach of NC, and how dwelling on his circumstances would impact on that. It takes a lot of discipline to stay on track, and the fact your daughter who is having contact didn’t mention it I’m sure has greatly assisted in some ways, too. It’s good that the children have your back on this one and they must realize how much better off you all are in the circumstances. It’s moments like these where I think we all need someone to remind us exactly what the narc has put us through. It will at least give us pause in a moment where our ET is naturally raised and our addiction kicks in again. Good to hear yours is lowered again now, AV 🙂

    2. Violetta says:

      Ever read/watch The Burning Bed She allowed her ex- to live with her again after a car accident made him dependant. BIG mistake.

      1. A Victor says:

        Oh dear, I will watch that. I have not before. Thank you.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          AV, all you need is some matches 😉

          1. A Victor says:

            Hahaha, no, I wouldn’t burn anything up!!! Laughing!!!

          2. Asp Emp says:

            AV, better not let TTU use candles 😉 LOL

          3. A Victor says:

            Hahaha, I will keep that in mind!!

          4. Asp Emp says:

            AV, laughing……

        2. Violetta says:

          Based on a real case.

          1. A Victor says:

            That’s really sad. This morning I was like “What were you thinking??” to myself, I have woken up, he would never get back in. My bigger concern is that he would get in at my daughter’s. I don’t thing she would but if so it would really alter dynamics there, I spend a fair amount of time with them, that would have to change. So I wait and see. Thanks again for the suggestion.

        3. doginheaven52 says:

          The book, The Burning Bed and the beating death of a child in NY by her adoptive parents influenced me to major in psychology and later got my MA. The book is super powerful. This is the story of the “man” who beat this precious six-year-old to death:

          Joel Steinberg (born May 25, 1941) is a disbarred New York City criminal defense attorney who attracted international media attention when he was accused of rape and murder and was convicted of manslaughter, in the November 1, 1987, beating and subsequent death of a six-year-old girl, Elizabeth (“Lisa”), whom he and his live-in partner Hedda Nussbaum had illegally adopted.

          He is out of prison now and keeping a low profile. It was heartbreaking to me at the time and I’ve never forgotten this child. My psychopathic qualities were coming through loud and clear on how I would deal with him.

          1. A Victor says:

            Hi Doginheaven52, I remember the story, I can’t look at things like that but I do remember it from back then. So awful, that murderer should never be freed.

            Thank you for the recommendation of the book, I will likely just watch the movie as I think Farrah Fawcett was in it and I liked her. I don’t enjoy reading things such as that and watching the movie is only a limited time commitment before it’s over. But, I have no plan to allow my ex back into my life either way. Thank you again!

    3. Asp Emp says:

      AV, I read LET’s response to you. I understand your emotions & thoughts RE: your ex. I would like to remind you of the articles ‘The Ageing Narcissist’ especially in relation to your ex, as you already have one to deal with – TTU. Stay strong & don’t let your ET get the better of you x

    4. Asp Emp says:

      AV, BTW, the comment I just sent you – it is my ‘obligation of the empath’ – from one to another x

      1. A Victor says:

        Aww, thank you!! Yes, I see that, and I appreciate it!

    5. Bubbles says:

      Dearest A Victor,
      Your daughter’s relationship with her dad is vastly different from yours …..she probably didn’t want to upset you by telling you …that’s fair enough
      You are not responsible for him any longer …..he is best left to ‘his’ side of the family’s responsibility or professionals to look after him
      It’s hard enough looking after your mum lovely one let alone attempting someone with MS
      Sorry AV, it would completely destroy you …. don’t even think about it !
      You’re emotions are resurfacing about remembering the way he was pre abuse …. it’s only human and natural !
      Best leave it to the experts
      Just thinking of you precious lady ❤️
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      Ps I’m surrounded by oldies, all in different stages of ill health …. the caring that is required and the emotional toll its taking on the family members is overwhelming enormous
      Our neighbour has a just been diagnosed with a rare motor neurone disease and his wife is already feeling the affects and the mental stress …… he fell over in his garden, couldn’t get up, yelled out and I had to run in and help her get him up ! That’s just the beginning ! 😱

      1. A Victor says:

        Bubbles! I finally found this comment again! They sometimes get lost after I see them for a second, work or something distracts and I spend the rest of the day searching! Yes, my daughter is I think protecting me, I love her more for it! Thank you for your good instruction, I don’t think he’d consider it even if I would, not if he’s going to be incapacitated, he would be “stuck” with just my fuel then, haha, torture! No, I would not allow him to live here, thank you for your kind concern but it was only for a short while.

        Yes, I feel like my life has been a matter of caregiving, first for my siblings as much as I could, then my children, then my dad and now my mother. I guess I’m good at it anyway. It is not what I thought my life would be but it hasn’t been all bad. No need to add another though, especially another narc. <3 🙂

      2. Bubbles says:

        Dearest A Victor,
        Ohhh thank heavens AV ….. it was only a moment of temporary insanity thought ….phew !!!
        I was getting worried for you!
        We Tudorites are always to the rescue !!!
        Very relieved n happy you’re back on track 🚂
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        Ps I’ve lost so many comments …. I’m still looking 👀

        1. A Victor says:

          Bubbles, I am so grateful for you and others who speak into my thinking when it seems to be wavering. It really does help!

          1. Bubbles says:

            Dearest A Victor,
            Awesome lovely …. it’s always about self doubt, isn’t it ?
            You should see me umm-ing n arrr-ing at the op shop ….. for goodness sakes Bubbles, made a decision 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  4. Joa says:

    Everything works for me, except for point 4…

  5. doginheaven52 says:

    So… this is a poem I like and feeling now…

    Feeling Fucked Up
    Lord she’s gone done left me done packed / up and split
    and I with no way to make her
    come back and everywhere the world is bare
    bright bone white crystal sand glistens
    dope death dead dying and jiving drove
    her away made her take her laughter and her smiles
    and her softness and her midnight sighs—

    Fuck Coltrane and music and clouds drifting in the sky
    fuck the sea and trees and the sky and birds
    and alligators and all the animals that roam the earth
    fuck marx and mao fuck fidel and nkrumah and
    democracy and communism fuck smack and pot
    and red ripe tomatoes fuck joseph fuck mary fuck
    god jesus and all the disciples fuck fanon nixon
    and malcolm fuck the revolution fuck freedom fuck
    the whole muthafucking thing
    all i want now is my woman back
    so my soul can sing

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Doginheaven52, thank you for sharing this poem. Looking at it from a ‘distance’, I can resonate and understand why you would share this. The ‘light’, or the ‘flame’ has not diminished. It remains. Be secure of that. Reading the second section of this poem, all the ‘fks’ gave me a giggle. I agree, to the things around you, would seem unimportant in comparison when you think your ‘light’ has left you. Let your soul continue to sing.

      1. doginheaven52 says:

        You are so welcome Asp Emp! My late husband could recite it word for word. It is interesting I have suddenly become comfortable with the word F…k and F–king. My adult children can’t stand me saying the words and when we all grow tired of one another during visits, I’ll start saying it. Before leaving they grill me about signs of Alzheimer! ; ^)

        1. Asp Emp says:

          doginheaven52, thank you for your response. I’ve been comfortable with the word ‘Fk’ & ‘Fkg’ since my early 20s – in theory and practice 😉 LOL. Tell your kids, it’s called ‘Tourettes’ and there’s your excuse(s) for saying that and adding more to your vocabulary! (laughing).

          1. doginheaven52 says:

            Yes, that is a great diagnosis…”Tourettes!’ I could shout, “No I don’t have ‘Fkg Alzheimer’ I have ‘Fkg Tourettes.’ Get ‘Fkg’ use to it.” That should be good, good karma for their language when they were teenagers. I love those nifty little initials ‘Fk’ & ‘Fkg.’ My dogs don’t like it when I use these words either… So I’m giving them dog biscuits and treats as I repeat “Fk” over and over to help acclimate them to another part of myself! :*)

          2. Asp Emp says:

            doginheaven52, I could not stop laughing reading your comment. I absolutely love it! “Nifty little initials” hahaha. Your dogs don’t like the ‘fks’ either? LOLOL. How many dogs do you have? Laughing again, new names for the dogs – going out for walks in public….. even better! Ah, bless, thank you for the laugh. x

        2. Violetta says:

          Maybe this will make you feel better (NSFW):

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Violetta, thanks for sharing the video. LOL, the ‘live transcribe’ showed up, once as ‘fox’ instead of fks.

            It reminded me of a ‘transcribed’ audio – ‘knocksite’ and ‘knob detector’ – hilarious (sorry, HG, I am not really sorry LOL).

          2. doginheaven52 says:

            I posted how wonderful this was and wish Etheridge was alive to listen to it. He would love YouTube!

        3. Bubbles says:

          Dearest doginheaven52,
          I’d be concerned if my kids ‘grilled’ me about Alzheimer’s …unless we were all just joking, which we sometimes do
          Our dear ol friend’s daughter made a doctors apt for him after he had a fall, that lasted 75 mins with a quick bonus ‘dementia’ underhanded interrogation test. This was on a Friday, he was admitted to an aged care facility on the Monday!
          She took control of all his possessions and ditched all n sundry
          His phone has been cut off for months so he has no contact with the outside world and we can’t contact him
          We have visited him every week since his ‘incarceration’ and taken him out countless times …he’s been ‘drugged up’ ever since he’s been there and his decline has been rapid. Sadly. as we speak, he’s recovering from a hip replacement operation at the age of 90 after a fall. When we’re with him, he’s almost his normal ol self and his brain is pretty good ……he knows what been going on, yet he has no control over anything!

          People these days, assume if you can’t remember any slightest detail, ohhhhh you’ve got dementia or Alzheimer’s 😱…..let’s get you committed n take your all money
          How about it’s just a sign of aging ?

          Watch a movie on Netflix with Rosamund Pike “I Care a Lot” ….. it was drawn from real life guardianship scams targeting older wealthy vulnerable people 😱
          Just beware dih52 …’s that easy ! 💕
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Pamela Gardner says:

            Again, thank you Bubbles for your thoughts and advice. I’m a counselor and work for the state. We make no money. My things are my family though. Especially a few English antiques, paintings and prints. I am committed to not developing a brain disease and as committed to not going into a nursing home. I trust my kids to take care of things as needed. There are things they were raised with and want

          2. Pamela Brokenwolf says:

            Sorry Bubbles, Word Press cut me off… the kids have things they want. I hope they will take the rest to auction. Heart Disease kills my family off early in years. I’ve asked my five dogs to drag me up the mountain behind our house and bury me like a bone. They said, “gotcha ya covered, no worries momma!”

  6. doginheaven52 says:

    I felt sorry for him at first, then guilty, then angry, then obliging. I play this game with myself. Taking his number out of my phone, blocking him, unblocking him, waiting. Knowing he is fucking somebody else but still like a loyal dog holding out that he will think of me, that who he is with now will evaporate. I have to go back to work on Wednesday following a two week vacation. I’m hoping he will not be there. Maybe he was able to get away for that long overdue knee replacement surgery. Maybe he found another job. He hates working for our mutual MH agency. It can be hard seeing him. When I don’t stop by his office, he has routinely come to mine. I sent him a number of long rambling text and heard nothing back. He actually never responds to my text unless it is about sex. And I’m sure he sends out a group text that my name is included. He could be blocking me, I would never know. If I could leave my job I would, but at sixty-eight, another job may not be there. If I am successfully able to break the connection and maintain no contact, he will treat me terribly at work. Our colleagues will notice. He can be incredibly sarcastic, devaluing and cruel. I think I’m trying to prepare myself for this. I know I can’t keep going on for much longer. My dignity has been tanked.

    1. Bubbles says:

      Dearest doginheaven52,
      You can take control of your thoughts and you can take control over your next course of action
      Self doubt is our no 1 enemy … take the next step lovely, block him for good personally n socially and ignore his treatment of you at work as best you can ….(I would be saying “can you please leave me to get on with my work and I would appreciate you don’t speak to me like that anymore” …. the least amount of words the better…. you don’t think your colleagues will feel empathy for you if he bullies you ? ….. you bet they will! Some may actually help and come to your aid.

      Loyal dogs don’t deserve abuse and sadly, usually have no exit …. you are not a dog, you are decent kind loving human being and are capable of implementing a plan of action for self worth, respect n regaining your dignity

      Why on earth would you still care what this low life piece of garbage thinks about you ….. I’d be more concerned he has an STD …. stuff him ! Stop wasting your life on him and blocking it out from others!
      We are always hesitant of the unknown, but in your case you have more to gain than lose !
      You don’t need all this crap at this stage in your life ….. you should be happy
      Don’t feel intimidated by him, that’s what they thrive on …now’s the time to to get yourself back on track lovely …time to retank! Do not for one moment think you are not worthy
      Best wishes on your endeavour precious …… can do this 💕
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. doginheaven52 says:

        Thank you dear Bubbles for your kind, support, and loving reply. I surely needed to read it this morning.

        I haven’t been able to tell anyone about this connection and it has been a lonely and dark path walking alone. So grateful for this blog, YouTube and HG Tudor’s books.

        Have been attempting to shake this relationship since we met almost three years ago. I knew at the beginning he was narcissistic but recklessly threw caution out the window. I have a long history of seeking intensity vs. intimacy then acting with impulsiveness and compulsion. I had settled down a little in my marriage of thirty years to my late husband, but when he died the patterns loudly returned and now I have found myself in this chaotic entanglement… ensnarement. This man is so much like my alcoholic, borderline mother. With supportive words like you gave to me, I have hope and knowledge, I don’t have to sort it out alone. Paws crossed as I return to work tomorrow…

        1. doginheaven52 says:

          With great gratitude and love to you dear Bubbles
          Pamela Brokenwolf, aka doginheaven52

        2. Bubbles says:

          Dearest doginheaven52,
          I’m glad I can be of some support, I hope it helps a little!
          No one should walk a lonely dark path precious ….. there is always someone willing to to help and there is always a way out ……sometimes we just need to reach out …’s not a sign of weakness … it’s a show of strength lovely one

          Intensity, impulsiveness and compulsion is a disasterous combination for an empath seeking a long term healthy relationship ….. it works for the narc beautifully, but all it produces is ‘chaos’ for us …..narcs are just another name for abuse!!!!

          With regard to work, I would have my paws crossed but slightly exposing my beautifully manicured red polished painted claw tips haha ….. tell him firmly (but politely) to go annoy someone else, conversation is terminated (unless work related) and your door is now permanently closed for good
          Just by your first comment dih52 … you are seeking an out ….you’ve had enough, that’s why we are all here right ??? Be very conscious about ‘your needs’ and why you’re doing this ….let it not be a waste !
          It’s time to care n love yourself, as much as you care n love your animals gorgeous one !!!!
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          Ps Mr Bubbles is nothing like my mother (I could think of nothing worse, ewwww ) I would dread the thought !!!! haha

          1. doginheaven52 says:

            Hmmm … you are absolutely right Bubbles. I’m not sure what direction I’m going in except I want to eventually be free of this entanglement. I’ve been in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction for forty years. My childhood was insane, like so many. I’ve never known any other type of relationship option other than “empath” and “narcissist.” My late husband was a narcissist. My ex-husband was a narcissist. My mother and father were both narcissists, Except my mother had incredible borderline and narcissistic traits. And I’m afraid my daughter takes after me. Living with my family was like living in a pinball machine of insanity. The risk taking, intrigue, intermittent affection….are like a flame to me. The other big thing I have been struggling with that accompanies my addiction to narcissism and my own narcissism… is aging. I have been using seduction since adolescence, maybe childhood to survive. My mother was a prostitute so learned seduction from her. I kept this contained as much as I could. I did not want to end up like my mother and did not get involved with prostitution but felt like that was the deal in my second marriage. I am sixty-eight but when I look in the mirror, when I think about life, when I emote… it feels like I am still in my mid-thirties and someone has put a laughable, terrible spell on me. My ability to set boundaries is weakening as I go along also. I worry about this. At least I’m not bringing as many dogs on death row home. I have been successful in stopping this. But I remain loyal to stopping the dog and cat meat markets in the world as well as slaughter of animals in general. My empathy witnesses the absolute deplorableness of humankind. I couldn’t stop working to stop this volunteer work even if I wanted to. I think activism is why I came here from someplace in the Universe.

            I can say this…that since I’ve been blogging and listening to HG, and journaling more, I no longer cry as much as I used to. I have joked about getting a lobotomy to cure my obsessional thinking. Of these three (Intensity, impulsiveness and compulsion) it is obsessiveness that drives them all, has always driven them. It doesn’t matter if it is alcohol, chocolate cake, cereal, a man, saving a dog, stopping slaughter, completing a project, learning a new skill… I can obsess over it until it is completed or has ended.

            I know I’m here to hear the stories of others. With alcohol it was identifying with speakers at AA meetings that helped me not relapse and to become free of this catastrophe of alcoholism and drug addiction. It is the “right identification.” I listen for that in HG’s stories and look for it in the blogs. This is the best I have been in three years.

            And I also have attended Sex, Love, Addicts Anonymous to hear more stories. I’m trying to take this obsession with this man to the 12 Steps. Trying to live in the current moment and trying not to relapse with sex, discouragement, depression, doubt, doom with him. Now that COVID is taking a big break from us, I plan to get out and meet more people.

            I’m taking your advice at work. He came by very early which is unusual. He did not flirt, it was all business. Questions he had since I had been on vacation. Then he left quickly. . He hasn’t texted me in two weeks. It has been over six months that we have actually been together. We had been meeting for kissing and that has decreased significantly as well. I have been placed on the shelf in a somewhat haphazard way for months. I really believe that he is planning a permanent disengagement, just don’t know when. I am not texting, not going to his office and keeping my door closed with the out sign on as much as I can without alerting my supervisor. I really got wordy here. I apologize. But all this is what is happening now… with me.

            Thank you again dearest Bubbles for helping me sort more out. I will check in again. It is just taking time for me. It was the same way with my use of alcohol and drugs. I slipped and slid for a couple of years once identifying the problem. But then I hit bottom with an incident and decided I was not going to pick up again. And I’ve been clean from alcohol and drugs for a long time. Addiction to a human being and the emotional thinking that goes with it is a whole different ball game and a lot harder than withdrawal from substances at least it has been for me.
            Blessing and much, much gratitude,
            Luv, doginheaven 52 xx

          2. Bubbles says:

            Dearest doginheaven52,
            Wow ohhhhh wow ohhhhhh wow!!!!! No need to apologise at all beautiful lady, thank you sooo much for sharing, I hope that was cathartic for you, you’d be amazed how much it truly helps others ?
            (I’ve had addictions throughout my life, you’re not alone there ….being here put things into perspective and helped with many answers)

            I’m in complete awe of your strength n courage and your achievements so far and the tenacity in redirecting your life, considering all the many obstacles you’ve had to endure to find your way here!

            Recognising, restructuring your thought process and taking charge, are massive steps we empaths struggle with and have to work that much harder in order to achieve our goals and overcome our long endured abuse

            You …..precious lady, have come sooooo far …… all the good you have done and are continuing to do is reward in itself, plus more. Do you realise thats no mean feat what you have achieved ?

            The fact you are paying it forward to others along with your beloved furry friends, is your purpose in life precious one ….. no one said love comes only from humans …… your greatest loves are from your animals…..the ones who don’t have a voice ….. you are their voice ! 👏
            Congratulations dih52 and thank you, you’re doing amazingly
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

            Ps … mother had a revolving door of men when I was young …..soooo many uncles …. they didn’t give her an hourly fee per se, but they did pay the rent n sundry ! When I was young, I thought sex meant someone loved you …..boy was I wrong! Now she’s an absolute prude and sex is an ugly word. Go figure!

          3. doginheaven52 says:

            Dearest Bubbles,

            You know what I’m in awe of? Is your beautiful compassion, connection, empathy, understanding, acceptance, love of lost people like me.

            You remind me of a statue I learned about that was in front of Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s house. It was of an Angel holding a person who obviously was dying.

            The Angel had one arm under their upper torso supporting them upward and one cradling their face close to their own. The Angel possessed the most compassionate, loving, graceful smile adoring the fully human sized scaled statue where facial features had been purposely blurred by the artist. Yet the compassion radiates beyond the stone and the infinite. That is what your acceptance reminds me of.

            I don’t consider myself a Christian type believer. But I love Christ because we were both born bastards and I imagine to be partners in some kind of mystery. One day I also realized that Jesus had both a “prostitute” and “divinity” at the base of his cross. Two thousand years ago, I think more was known then we will know for many generations to come. I have come to know though, for me, prostitution and divinity are… one.

            With the US in the turmoil and potential anarchy we are facing and my addiction and “love for a person who will never get it,” besides feeling like Etheridge, “Feeling Fucked Up,” I also feel like the Bob Dylan song, “Everything is Broken.” One foot in front of the other. Sometimes all that is needed is simply showing up. Many, many blessings always and returning the kind of love and hope to you as you give to others.
            In friendship, doginheven52

          4. doginheaven52 says:

            Post Note Bubbles: Just thinking in last response “both born bastards and I imagine to be partners in some kind of mystery” — that this kind of sounds like a grandiose sense of self-importance (running with Jesus) Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited ideal love, (this is the way I want to be loved by friend), has a sense of entitlement… I mean why not if I feel some kind of way about Jesus? It wasn’t meant to come across that way or, maybe it actually was streaming live from my unconscious where my imagination and beasties rest?

        3. Bubbles says:

          Dearest doginheaven52,
          I’m completely lost for words for your most endearing perception of me, I’m ever so humbled lovely
          I grew up never feeling good enough or worthy of myself, yet I ‘feel’ it for others ….must be the empath in me hehe
          I really only started to accept myself coming here
          I don’t want others to think it’s all been for nothing because it’s not
          Whether it be a human or an animal, what reassurance to know another human was a comfort on your side who truly cared and hopefully made a difference, whether it be big or small
          Compassion n kindness cost nothing, but to me is worth everything
          Thank you kindly dih52….angel hugs to you 🤗
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

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