Why Do Narcissists Cancel Arrangements?



Why are we notorious for cancelling arrangements? You may have been looking forward all week to going out for dinner with us, or we sent a text message suggesting meeting up that evening for a drink only for a message to arrive an hour before hand explaining we cannot make it. I am not referring to those instances where we do not just turn up, but why is it that we make plans with you, be it a month in advance or just hours and we do so with enthusiasm and guarantees of being there, only to then cancel those arrangements?

There is a central factor behind this behaviour. It is control. As you know, control is of huge importance to us. We once lacked control as the world turned against us and we must never allow that to happen. By exerting control, we gain the validation we need, the fuel we require and we ensure that we are not ambushed, belittled and made to feel weak. By controlling our environment we reinforce that we are a supreme master of our destiny and of the destiny of others and through this control we are able to be that which we want the world to see. Control equals safety.

Accordingly, we need to control people and especially those which are our appliances in the provision of fuel and other benefits. We derive several benefits from exerting this control over you by dictating how and when we shall meet with you and especially by then withdrawing the meeting.

1.      We can determine how you will react to us taking this step – is it annoyance, irritation, upset, begging to meet up, re-arranging immediately or indifference;

2.      We can gauge from your reaction just how much control we are exerting over you;

3.      We can evaluate the extent of the fuel provision.

As you will have become aware, we operate through the continued and repeated application of contrast. Build you up and knock you down. Idealise and then devalue. Lift up and throw down. Our behaviour when it comes to making arrangements to do something together is no different. We give you the elation of something to look forward to and then we snatch it away and observe the outcome.

Our sense of entitlement means that we can treat you in this manner. You are not important. Our needs and our time matter far more. Thus, in accordance with our inflated sense of self we will deem it our right to demand to see you with just two hours’ notice and then cancel with barely five minutes’ warning. We of course do not care about how this makes you feel (but we are invested as to how this manifests because it is fuel) nor do we have any concern for whether you have been inconvenienced, put to expense, made to arrange child care, alter other arrangements, travel and so on. It is expected that you will do these things for us.

By behaving in this manner we reinforce our sense of superiority. Our idea of being god-like able to do as we please on a whim and everything else has to accommodate us and fall into place behind us.

This propensity to cancel is also indicative of how we perceive time in a different manner to other people. We are notoriously unpunctual, save when it is of crucial importance to us. This is because we do not value anybody’s time but our own, but it is also because we are so focused on what we are doing at that precise moment that pending plans, no matter how imminent will be held at bay, put to one side and ignored as we revel in what is happening in that instant. How many times have you had to stand waiting for your narcissist to turn up (assuming he or she has not cancelled) ? How many times have you been left waiting at a bar, at a bus stop, at your house as you wonder where on earth we have go to? This is because we have been too focused on the activity we have been engaged in, namely drawing fuel and therefore your appointment with us can wait and is forgotten about until something causes a reminder.

Thus, we may well have made what has seemed like cast iron plans with you for dinner this evening and a reservation has been made along with arrangements about where to meet. You have checked twice that we are still ‘on for this evening’ and then despite this we ring and cancel. We have been distracted by something else and because we are gaining fuel from that something else we want to continue doing that but we will not pass up this opportunity to let you down, exert control over you and gain further fuel.

What we are doing matters, what you have planned does not concern us. Often arrangements will be cancelled because of the new moment we find ourselves in our because we have a better offer. We have no need to exhibit manners or show loyalty, but whatever serves us best will be done and if this means telling you we cannot make it, then so be it.

How does this cancelling of arrangements manifest in the various dynamics?


1.      If you are a non-intimate secondary source who is a colleague or family member then we cancel not because we intend to devalue you, but rather because of the existing connection between us (work/familial) it is a given that we can cancel and you should accept it. If you complain, we gain fuel, if you do not but are content to re-arrange this underlines that you are subservient to us and it is as is expected. Since you are a secondary source which is in a near permanent golden period, remember we can pick you up and put you down as we please and cancelling an arrangement is just a manifestation of this dynamic rather than being a specific form of devaluation.

2.      If you are a non-intimate secondary source who is a friend, again there is an expectation that you will just accept this because you are loyal and functioning. We expect some fuel – positive or negative – and for you to want to re-arrange. This again demonstrates to us that you remain well under our control and is more pick you up and put you down behaviour rather than devaluation.

3.      If it is the initial seduction of somebody who we intend to make our primary source, whether you are a Non Intimate Secondary Source or you have advanced to an Intimate Partner Secondary Source then cancelling an arrangement is not done to devalue. It is done as a test. We are hoping for disappointment and a willingness to rearrange. If you fly off the handle with us, whilst we gain fuel, we will consider you as less desirable to be a primary source. If you are indifferent, this is the worst outcome and we are unlikely to continue our seduction of you, since you have become uninterested far too soon. This test will not be used frequently with you however as we have no desire to ruin the seduction and put you off.

4.      If you have been drawn to us and we have embedded you in a golden period as either the IPSS (who may become the IPPS) or as the IPPS then it is highly unlikely that we will cancel arrangements. You are now the apple of our eye and providing delicious positive fuel so we have no desire to interrupt that, let you down or spoil the illusion of us as being attentive, delightful and wonderful. If it does happen, then it may just be a genuine inability to be able to keep to the arrangement.

5.      If you are the IPPS and we keep cancelling arrangements then you are squarely within the devaluation period. This is being done purely to draw negative fuel from you, to upset you, hurt you and anger you. It is also the case that we are more than likely cancelling so we can spend time with the prospective primary source we are cultivating and we are using this as a chance to draw negative fuel from you and continue our manipulative mind games, especially when we tell you we cannot make it because we have to work late and you then later see a post on social media showing us in a bar with somebody else.

6.      If you are a NISS or IPSS devaluation is rare but if you find that we are cancelling repeatedly on you, this is not a test but you should be aware that you are being devalued and that the relationship is swiftly heading towards discard.

24 thoughts on “Why Do Narcissists Cancel Arrangements?

  1. lickemtomorrow says:

    Because they’re bastards! (ET high)

    Because they want control (ET low)

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Simply put. If “they” cancel out on an empath = their loss. Not the empath’s. End of.

    1. BC30 says:

      No more BS. I was recently messaging a guy who didn’t text the day we were to meet because he “lost his phone.” I was curious, so I asked where he lost it. He said “the sewer.” What?! 😂

      Adios Bitchachos!

      1. Asp Emp says:

        BC30, well he’s not going to admit he left it on vibrate and “sat on it” LOL

      2. Bubbles says:

        Dearest BC30,
        Nobody ‘loses their phone’ …..marbles yes !
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. BC30 says:

          Hahaha, yeah he needs to try a better lie, but I did lose my phone in a snow bank because I fell into the ditch where the snow had collected. It sat overnight and miraculously it survived, and I found it the next afternoon. My clumsy fall out of the car into the snow left an imprint, and I used a sand castle shovel we had in the car. 😆 Thanks Bubbles, I had forgotten that memory. What a good laugh. 😂

          1. Bubbles says:

            Our weasel friend once said his fell out into the boot of his car …. yeah right !
            His phone was always super glued to hand and the other obviously to his dick, cos he used to spend a lot of time in the bathroom 🤣
            Now I realise he was texting in there !!!! 😂
            Mr Bubbles n I used to ask if he was ok!
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. Joa says:

    A good way is to not believe what he says, to snort, to ignore his promised “reward”. Then it happens that he proves out of perversity that he was right.

    Of course, then one must show great astonishment and happiness 🙂

    It happens that he himself is amazed that he did something, ha ha ha 🙂

  4. Joa says:

    I can not stand this. Not serious. I feel very irritated, especially when he makes me feel bad again and I’m happy for something. But now I pretend indifference.

    Eternal waiting.

  5. BC30 says:

    UMR never did, if he cleared time in his schedule, he was going to use it to see the DLS.

    MMR cancelled a few times over the years, and every day that passes I understand the disgust for MMRs all the more.

  6. WokeAF says:

    I was the DLS until the IPPS finally found out (not by me , took her 7 years ffs)
    Now I’m like- well I guess I’m kinda the emerg IPPS except he’s collapsed and I won’t take the title or change a single thing LMAO so he’s taking what he can get – poor fuck just had his prostate out , for a somatic leaning elite that’s roughhhhh . Also pushing 60, not well fuelled enough to keep more than a couple plates spinning. So, he’s just happy I didn’t ditch all together.
    I’m sure if he can pull it together he will get a mew IPPS but he has seriously little to offer. Still there are senior citizens who are content to play mommy without sex and maybe ge will get lucky.

    He makes plans then cancels bc he’s genuinely exhausted right now in life and wants to keep me on the hook but isn’t fuelled enough to do what’s necessary more than once a week ish

    I think making then cancelling plans is also, in this way, simply maintenance- keeping the supply feeling wanted so they don’t ditch.

    HG quite enjoyed the Trilogy.

    1. Bubbles says:

      Dearest WokeAF,
      We know a bloke who’s had his prostate removed from cancer …..Mr Bubbles n he are mates
      Apparently he now has two tubes inserted either side of his penis and all he does is press a button and presto ….. he has a lady friend and they have great sex!
      Don’t feel to badly for him 😂
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. NarcAngel says:


        An elevator can be quite handy and much appreciated in some situations.

        Who gets to push the button to have it come down?

        1. Bubbles says:

          The elevator operator of course ……
          “Ladies knickers ……..
          ……… going down”
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, laughing…..

          2. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Thank you gorgeous …… for laughing
            💋Mwah !!!
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  7. 2/3 have really helped explain a current dynamic with a NISS gym buddy. He cannot bear my indifference when I take no notice of him not turning up as promised. I wondered why this was being done early on – it’s my indifference.

    Thanks so much for re-posting this HG

  8. A Victor says:

    Every time I see this article title I want to respond with “Because they’re jerks.” And, now for the giggling…

    1. JB says:

      My knee jerk answer was far less polite, AV! 😂

      1. A Victor says:

        Hahaha, I’d actually like to hear it! For me “jerks” is pretty far!! I have used asshole here, on this blog, more than ever before! And “TTU” is outside of my comfort zone but I’m forcing myself, it’s for my own good!

        1. JB says:

          Ha ha! I actually don’t swear that much at all in real life, but my kneejerk thought to the question posed in the article title was “Because they’re fuckwits!” (sorry, HG)

          What’s TTU?

          1. A Victor says:

            Hahaha, that is good!! And more accurate than jerks, anyone can be a jerk, takes a special someone to be a fuckwit!!! And, now the laughing!! Thank you!

          2. A Victor says:

            Oops, missed your question. TTU refers to That Thing Upstairs, a reference to my narcissist mother who lives, well, upstairs from me. It is to help me objectify her so I can do a more effective ANC with her. I am not 100% comfortable with it but it does help.

          3. JB says:

            Ha ha, AV! You’re welcome! 😂

            ‘TTU’ – ah, I see! Yes it’s a good way to try to distance yourself from her emotionally. It’s interesting, the difference just changing our language can have to how we feel or the way in which we view a situation or person!

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