Not Tonight, Caroline.

NOT-TONIGHT-CAROLINE

 

Established readers may remember dear, sweet Caroline, an ex-girlfriend of mine who had a huge conscience and always sought to do the correct thing. She often wanted to fight back against my manipulations but could not do so because she took the view that it was wrong. Wrong because she did not believe in meeting fire with fire. Wrong because she always maintained that I needed help to overcome the issues that apparently I had. She was sweet but ever so misguided. Caroline was a particular enthusiast of horror movies. I at first found this slightly at odds with who she was although I naturally embraced her enthusiasm for them as part of my mirroring of her likes. I found that it was actually psychological thrillers and creepy horror (not out and out gore fests) which she preferred. The reason for this soon became apparent. She enjoyed being scared witless in the cinema because it made her amorous, randy, horny, call it whatever you will but it made her want to go straight to be to make love after any visit to the cinema. We would make near weekly visits to the cinema and sometimes twice in a weekend for her dose of fright and then the sex thereafter.

Once the period of devaluation began with Caroline I knew, as was often the case, that withdrawing sexual interest from her would provoke the appropriate hurt, upset and frustrated response which would provide me with the negative fuel that I craved. I also knew however that she was confiding in a handful of people outside of our relationship (note – always secure a lieutenant in the primary source’s camp) and it would not do to have my name besmirched in such a way. Firstly, I was not wanting those listeners (two of whom I had identified as potential targets) to think that I had a reduced sexual appetite when that was not the case, of course they could not be told that this apparent loss of libido arose as a consequence of a manipulation. Secondly, I did not want her to garner sympathy and support from her camp over my withdrawal of sexual attention.

Accordingly, the tactic needed to cause the withdrawal without it being directly linked to me. Naturally I identified that the attendance at the cinema to watch frightening movies was the catalyst that ignited her libido. To her, film night was sex night. Film night therefore had to be the target. I needed to maintain my appearance (at least) of being reasonable so I would be able to garner sympathy at her now failure to engage in a sexual union and also to avoid it seeming as if I was the one sabotaging film night. She had to be the one to sabotage film night and thus if we or rather she did not attend the film there would be no sex to follow. This would be her doing and I could justifiably complain that I was the one not getting any sex as a consequence of her selfishness.

Accordingly, my aims with Caroline we are as follows: –

  1. Cause the withdrawal of sex leaving me blameless and thus with grounds for complaint;
  2. Sabotage her attendance at film night without it appearing that I had done so;
  3. Cause her to cause the sabotage so I remained blameless.

 

I knew she was angling for new car and I had been engaging in future faking by suggesting that we would organise for her to get a new car. I kept putting it off and I knew that she was becoming irritated by this because she wanted a larger vehicle for the increased mileage she was doing associated with her job. On the Saturday when we were due to go to the cinema that evening, I returned to the house with a couple of brochures from a dealership.

“What have you got there?” she asked pleasantly enough.

“Oh a couple of brochures for the new Jaguar, I fancied a change.”

“What? Already?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well you’ve only had your car less than a year.”

“And?”

“Well, you don’t need a new car, I do.”

“It’s like that is it?” I asked.

“Like what?”

“I am not allowed to look.”

“You said you fancied a change.”

“I do but that isn’t the same as ‘I am getting a new car’ but oh no, you had to assume you knew what I meant, just in the same way that you always assume you know what is best for me. If I want a new car, I will get one, it is my money.”

“Yes, yes, okay, but you have been promising that we would change my car.”

“No I haven’t.”

She paused trying to keep her rising exasperation under control.

“Yes you did.”

“Are you suggesting that I have lied,” I said firmly and quietly. She halted.

“You were weren’t you, you fucking snake,” I hissed at her.

You can imagine how the rest of the conversation went. I baited and pressed until she erupted in tears of frustration. I strung the argument out until it was close to the time to depart for the cinema.

“You are in one of your moods again, I’m not going to the cinema with you since you are being so horrible,” she declared.

“Suits me. I will go on my own.”

I saw her mouth drop open. She expected me to talk her around into going. She probably also expected me to arrange a new car for her in order to persuade her to come to the cinema. That was how manipulative this woman could be and I was not falling for it. Apologies, that was how I later described the conversation when recounting the poor treatment, I had been subjected to. I knew she expected me to sweet talk her into accompanying me to the cinema, but I was not doing so. I had to turn my head so she did not see my smile of satisfaction. I was fuelled from her upset and frustration. I also knew that she would be cursing the fact she was not going to the cinema and would in turn rue the loss of the catalyst for her sexual engagement that she otherwise wholly enjoyed. I made for the door as she made a noise of protest and headed to the car.

I adopted a blackened look on my face, appearing as if it was I who had been wronged by her refusal to accompany me to the cinema but the reality was I was delighted. I had drawn fuel, asserted my control, reinforced my superiority and I could watch the film without someone grabbing my arm every five minutes in terror. I could also complain about her behaviour to anybody I chose to tell and knew her options for complaint had been severely limited because she chose not to come to the cinema which in turn stymied her expected later pleasure.

This is how a greater narcissist thinks. Planning ahead in order to secure the fuel, the control and the winning outcome.

36 thoughts on “Not Tonight, Caroline.

  1. Foreigner74 says:

    I also think that you have no right to expect your partner to buy things for you, but I’m sure Caroline’s problem wasn’t money (I don’t think HG chooses that type of woman as an IPPS). When you are engaged to someone, you usually make the most important decisions together, and when you see that your partner keeps putting off the things that matter to you, you get upset more easily, not because you want their money at all costs, but because you do realize that your partner doesn’t care so much about you. And anyway, if H.G. wanted to quarrel with her that night, she certainly had no escape. Suppose Caroline enthusiastically said “Oh great! You’re going to buy a new Jaguar!” I can imagine H.G. answer “I didn’t say I’m buying a new Jaguar. Anyway, why are you so excited about me buying a new Jaguar? What’s wrong with my Jaguar?” 😂😂😂. Sorry, H.G., if I dared put the words in your mouth (maybe even in incorrect English 😬)! Will you forgive me?

  2. BC30 says:

    Wait, wait, wait a second. Who was going to be paying for Caroline’s new vehicle? HG or Caroline?

    1. BC30 says:

      Ok, so I suppose we are to assume that it was HG’s money and she expected him to buy the car. Well then, that’s not fair and she was being childish. She had no right to get upset. Buying and organizing are completely separate things. I’ve had lovers/husbands by cars FOR me and lovers accompany me to buy cars with MY money. It makes a difference.

      “I knew she was angling for new car and I had been engaging in future faking by suggesting that we would organise for her to get a new car.”

      1. Another Cat says:

        When I read some American dating advice online, it was exactly this. Men should buy this, and that, and if it’s not jewellery on Valentine’s day then he is not really into you and will not propose. I thought to myself that US women must absolutely live in the 1950s,

        but luckily with the help of HG I’m now fully aware that many dating advisors are narcs. They makebelieve and give very specific dramatic roles to men and women. I guess Caroline listened to that school.

        1. BC30 says:

          Indeed! I have a new eye when it comes to the American standard of romance.

          However, the men who bought me cars were Middle Eastern and South Asian and there was, in my experience, a similar romantic dynamic rooted in different cultural expectations. I was very much treated like a “princess”. Eventually, I couldn’t stand the patriarchal expectations placed upon me.

          1. Another Cat says:

            I so understand BC30.

  3. Joa says:

    But the most interesting thing was something else. When he feels the power, he most often exposes himself. During this chaos, I gave up on a lack of logic and a split. He said, “Split? There is so much more to it. The great cauldron. Hell. You were there, right? But you managed to escape.”

    I confirm. He was the one who threw me there once and I know that with a smile on my face I’m balancing on the edge again. I see him, I’d like to get him out, but I can’t, can’t … Eh.

  4. Joa says:

    Ha ha ha, how I experienced a similar action yesterday 😀 He showed real artistry and I know that he was basking in the mists of power 🙂
    He did everything to suggest that he doesn’t want me because he’s gay, which of course he didn’t say outright, he loves metaphors (me too), everything is always wonderfully veiled, camouflaged. And these radical twists, friendship, sympathy, understanding, blow, jokes, anger, laughter, pity, anger, anger, anger, lust, lack of desire, laughter, jealousy, jealousy, resignation, mocking, accusations, accusations, accusations, guilt , guilty, they guilty, anger, indifference, good night 😀 Chaos and madness 🙂

    And today, when I asked him with a concerned voice, he joyfully laughed at me and told me to see a doctor 🙂 He went to work very pleased. Internally, I was dying of laughing 😀😀😀 Although … something is sitting in my head + fatigue + I have mastered the swing of emotions longer than usual (several hours).

    Even though I am well aware of his licks (though sometimes I have to get to it a little longer before I am enlightened by “eureka!” 😀), they still evoke emotions that I let go “loose”. Only in the matters that hurt me the most do I pretend to be indifferent, “I switch off”.

    Too bad. I am addicted to this twisted logic. It’s so exciting …

    I have about 2-4 days of peace now. I rest, heat my batteries and heal my ego.

    I’m gonna have to find a very interesting hobby when she’s gone. It will be hard to replace it with something 🙂

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Joa, I really enjoyed reading your comment here 🙂

      1. Joa says:

        Thank you 🙂

        I have been writing a lot since I can remember, this is one of my ways of pouring out excess emotions and interpreting myself, because sometimes I am chaos, and with narcissism even more. Some I leave, most I destroy – I release my emotions and I can bury them. Anyway … I once buried “my” narcissist and part of myself with him, I beat this coffin with a shovel many times, whenever you wanted to get out.

        Today I am not so amused, I must have written 30 pages 🙂

        It is difficult for me to understand that a person so intelligent can be so primitive, so coarse and soulless at the same time.

        Yesterday he told me that I am an indestructible toy (I do not know what the English translation is, the name is specific here, it is a toy with a loaded base – how many times you hit it, it always returns to its place) and that every time I come back with an even bigger one smile.
        This comparison, I even liked it 🙂

        And later, that if he took me by the hand to the brothel, I would go with him smiling and happy. Grrr, asshole 🙂

        His later primitivism, which I will not describe, because I am ashamed, really alienated me from him.

        Unfortunately, I didn’t control my emotions (!) And instead of disappearing, I wrote him a polite, moralizing elaborate this morning. I expect him to write back bored, something like that he didn’t read the whole thing and that it was just enough to write briefly that I love him.

        I have revealed too much in these “instructions”. Error.

        Well, it happened 🙂 I feel that we will have to evacuate soon, although I don’t know how I can do it. More primitivism please, it will be easier for me 🙂 But no, I won’t wait, pseudointeligent will come back soon 🙂 Aaaaa, I’m smiling at the very thought of it. I’m drowning 🙂

        Ah, I flicker, flicker, flicker between wanting to hug him and defend him and destroying him. I know I can inflict strong wounds. And he knows it, but is sure I won’t.

        There is one serious threat to myself. I have not cried for 13 years. Never since he passed away (although I’m not quite sure who really left whom, I knew I had to protect myself and the baby). If he ever makes me cry, if he releases this pain, he’ll suck me in again and it won’t be so rosy anymore.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Joa, laughing…. “I beat this coffin with a shovel many times” – exactly the sort of thing I’d do….. laughing.

          Your second paragraph…. RE: indescructable toy….. laughing “I do not know what the English translation is”…. I am laughing too much to come up with my own answer on that one……

          Laughing….”more primitivism please”…… “pseudointelligent” – I didn’t even know that word existed….. it’s brilliant though!

          Wow. You have not cried for 13 years? That is hell, hell of a long time. RE: your last sentence – I can, in some way, understand what you are saying here. Crying is one way of expressing emotional pain (or a response when someone is hurt emotionally, or physically) – so, are you saying that if “he makes you cry”, the pain that it will cause by releasing what has been ‘pushed away’ for so long, do you think it would do you more ‘harm’ than good?

          Thank you for your response, it was really good to read it. Are you writing a private journal or do you envisage to have it published, if you don’t mind my asking.

          1. Joa says:

            Tears – somehow I don’t need them. I have processed my pain in a thousand ways. It took many years to sort, pack and place this sad package at the very bottom.

            Nothing seems terrible enough to have to cry anymore. Fortunately, death stays away from me and my relatives.

            A strange comparison, but yes – only death and “my” narcissus can make my tears come up.

            The first is inevitable, it will come sooner or later, and I even know it will be soon. They are tears of suffering.

            The second is the tears of accumulated emotions, an explosion like “Big Bang” 🙂
            But fortunately, it is unlikely to happen, as “my” narcissist would have to jump over himself and show his soft center again for a moment. I don’t think he is capable of that at this stage – he prefers to play and attack.
            I am also protected by distance, although he more and more often “jokes” about my arrival, and even mocks me by talking about living together. Pathetic. I dismiss it with a huff, also with a joke, or most often with silence.

            If he did … I wouldn’t think again. But that can only happen with physical contact. Therefore, the most important thing is to keep him at a distance.

            And there is our baby. I have to be for her.

            I only write private things for myself. I keep some as souvenirs, e.g. love letters or erotic poems, pregnancy memories. It was the happiest and most unhappy period of my life at the same time. It was great to be in this restless fire. I never regretted that I lived it and that I was with him 🙂

            Unfortunately, in order not to burn yourself, you have to run away. It’s a pity 🙂

            I also write professionally, but it’s boring 🙂

            Have a nice day 🙂

  5. A Victor says:

    Of course, even hypersexualized narcs withhold during devaluation, likely going elsewhere for the fix at that point. I see.

  6. MP says:

    I hope that Caroline is now happily married enjoying family movie nights without having to worry about strategies being played against her.

    1. Eternity says:

      Hopefully MP! I am sure all of HG’s IPPS’s have moved on with their lives . Some probably married with kids.

      1. A Victor says:

        That is a nice thought and hopefully not married to narcissists.

        1. Eternity says:

          A Victor, hopefully not but who knows . It could happen.

      2. MP says:

        Hello Eternity. I hope most of them did. I know not all of them because I have read The Three that Got Away. It was very disturbing and tragic for me. Although hopefully one of the three is happy now.

        1. Eternity says:

          Hi MP, yes I also read that it was extremely sad 😥 I an sure they have moved on.

  7. Eternity says:

    Wow,I guess you won’t be going to any Drive-In Movie Theater then. Poor Caroline

  8. pouting panda says:

    sigh agian …. I don’t mean you were in the wrong. You side is clear too. She sounds like she has issues.

  9. pouting panda says:

    Forgot to add … man. WTF man….sigh

  10. pouting panda says:

    WTF

  11. Chihuahuamum says:

    The narc has done this sort of thing causing an issue to either avoid something or to press reset on the relationship. An arguement always seemed to revive things from his perspective. I had wondered the times we’d not talk due to a conflict if maybe something was planned elsewhere ahead of time.
    I don’t get the mentality of expecting a boyfriend to buy a car. That was where she went wrong lol

    1. MP says:

      Hello Cmum, I was wondering the same thing about buying her a car. One theory I came up with was maybe HG really worked on the future faking where even though initially she wasn’t expecting or wanting HG to buy her a car, he sold the idea and the desire to her and she had full faith that he would do it for her. I think when we start having faith or expectations from a narcissist that’s when we become very vulnerable so I think maybe he built that up.

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi Mp… That’s a good point. It was mentioned about future faking. There was an article with another woman that was upset about the same thing. It’s hard to know not being there and seeing the full extent of what had been said. Maybe it was an accumulation of things that frusterated her and the car was the last straw. On the flip side she may have been a self entitled woman who was more on the narcissistic side, but not a narcissist. Being a Super Empath which HG prefers you’d think she could afford her own car and not rely on someone else to buy her one. However the future faking might’ve been turned up many notches and having the car disregarded triggered frusteration. So many variables! I just spent 1000.00 in car repairs so I could be wee bit sensitive to the mention of new shiny cars 🤣🤣

        1. MP says:

          I think your theories are pretty sound Cmum (regardless of your costly car repairs 🤣). One thing that came to my mind with what you said was that when I have read Sitting Target, I believe one of the things they look for a target is being a gold digger. I’m feeling a little guilt here but I’m not necessarily saying this in a mean way. It’s just that an empath can possibly come from a poor or humble background and can have a some type of Cinderella complex that someday a prince will come to save her in that poor life and bring her to his castle. I was thinking just because someone has a gold digger trait, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad or not empathic. And I can see why a rich narcissist would look for that (narcissistic) trait because it can be a hook that would prevent an empath victim from escaping. The empath might do her/his best to stay in the abusive relationship and try to fix it and wait for it to get better and have that happily ever after partly because they have experienced the lifestyle that they know they will lose if they escape. So I think you definitely have good points with your theory. Narcissistic traits do not only protect us, a lot of times these traits can work against us and keep us in the dynamic as well.

          1. Chihuahuamum says:

            Hi MP…There’s definitely narcissistic traits as well that empaths can possess and that doesn’t make them narcissists.
            I think many stepford wives and mail order brides fall into the rich prince charming save me category. That’s not to say an empath doesn’t daydream about finding a rich husband and never having to worry about money again. I’m the opposite i’d worry about being owned this way and being trapped. Stepford wives quite often have the lonliest situation because they find themselves financially trapped by a narcissistic husband and opt to go along with the lie in order to keep their financial security or avoid having to start over on their own. Throw in children and it is even more difficult to escape! Then there’s the whole court system and money for lawyers. They really are caged.
            Mail order brides quite often endure physical, emotional and sexual abuse and eventually divorce and go back to their home country.
            The gold digging trait can be a dangerous one because there’s the other side of the coin where you can become trapped.
            There’s a woman online i won’t say her name, but she teaches women how to find rich men. I’ve watched a few of her vids shaking my head. She’s setting women up for many narcissistic relationships imo.
            The two women HG wrote about were financially independant, but felt he owed them a car. Same mentality with Ashleigh in the narcissist series although she is a narcissist. She had her own money and career, but expected Ian to pay for everything.
            I come from a middle class family and i’d never demand or expect my husband to buy me anything. Partly out of respect and partly because i’d work for it and if i felt i could afford it i’d buy it. However I’m far from perfect and have my own narcissistic traits.
            These 2 HG was with i don’t doubt were empaths, but i sense they had a lot of narcissistic traits. I could be wrong tho as we only read a bit about them. There is the future faking as well which you had pointed out. That would definitely cause arguments going back on what you kept promising.

  12. Empath007 says:

    Random Question : Can Marijuana be an effective agent at calming a narcissits down or having a positive influence on their mood ? For example, it they are prone to aggression with their children… could smoking weed help them be less aggressive?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, listen to the forthcoming video “Narcissists and Narcotics”.

      1. WhoCares says:

        “Yes, listen to the forthcoming video “Narcissists and Narcotics”.”

        Looking forward to this one.

      2. Empath007 says:

        I will definitely be listening to that. Thank you HG. This is going to answer so many questions for me. Mine smoked everyday… I believe he knew it helped in some way. But I am
        Anti drug and could not accept it. I did not realize (until really recently) that it was likely very helpful for him. And also likely helpful for his victims. He tried to explain this to me in some ways… but too be honest I wasn’t really willing to listen because I was caught up in my own ideals.

        While this doesn’t change things for me (he’s still an abuser) – and I still would not want a substance user around myself or children (he also drank heavy). It makes me a lot more open minded to narcotics and thier use for your kind.

        1. Joa says:

          “My” narcissist calms down and calms down in the same way. Too often…

          I also like to smoke. Very rarely. Little.

          We are driven by other reasons. I smoke when I’m relaxed, with friends, on vacation. Then I love the world even more and laugh even more 🙂

      3. Asp Emp says:

        I found that marijuana heightened my creativity, it seemed to open up my ability to ‘expand’ my ‘unreachables’ within my mind– somehow, it opened up a ‘door’ within my mind that is not possible without the use of as such. I found that I was more humorous, more idiosyncratic, ‘free’ thinking and certainly more relaxed. It frees my ‘inhabitations’, a lot. Someone said as such to me after seeing me under the ‘influence’ and they said they were impressed with witnessing this in person. They said I produced better ‘work’ as a result. LOL. I found that I could continue to ‘work’ for a longer period, not necessarily as a ‘sonic boom’ (the speed of light, atoms etc – too scientific to explain it). I also found that it heightened my intuition, yet if I took too much – the paranoia kicks in – so it is a matter of getting the balance right. LOL. I had one ‘paranoid’ episode that was never repeated. Hilarious, and the fact I can remember it! Getting out of bed and checking that the windows and front door was locked. Three times! LOL.

        The ‘intuition’ part, worked really well one night. I freaked out mother. Fkg freaked her out. LOL. That was so brilliant. She was so fkg freaked. Totally. Even after I was proved right, about what was ‘coming’ – I was ‘off my head’ but I recall it very well. My brother-in-law could not stop laughing. I could not stop laughing. Mother was fkg shitting herself. LOL. All I said was “Someone is outside” (without consciously thinking about it, I just said it, no negative instincts, my ‘inner me’ was calm, indicating that there was no ‘threat’). There was no sound to indicate otherwise, we had some music playing, not loudly. I am deaf, I could hear the music – but not the person who was actually outside. My brother-in-law was shocked. He says to me, afterwards “How did you know?”. I could not answer the question, nor explain it. No-one heard anything, yet, I was right. Mother, the Lesser narcissist, completely and utterly freaked out – alas, never to be repeated (damn!).

        I have missed having those ‘moments’ of ‘free-thinking’. Yet, with my learning and re-discovering myself and freeing my mind of unnecessary narcissistic shit, who knows what my mind is capable of now?

        Alcohol does relax me but tends to be more of a ‘dumbing’ affect rather than cognitive ‘enhancement’.

        Ok, empaths, ACONs can also ‘self-medicate’ as well as narcissists. Why? It’s self-explanatory. Coping mechanisms. A combination of reasons – as a result of narcissistic abuse. The majority of narcissists do it because they don’t know what they are and they cannot ‘deal’ with what is ‘inside’ them. Tough shit.

        1. Kiki says:

          Hi Asp Emp

          From a scientific point of view you really just imagine you are becoming more creative due to chemicals released in the brain.
          Something like when a drunk person suddenly think they are the most interesting thing and won’t stop talking/ repeating themselves.The drunk person is unaware of this but sober onlookers are fully aware.
          It’s similar with other drugs.
          Use of marijuana has been shown to actually reduce cognitive ability and logical thinking , and create paranoia .

          Kiki ❤️

        2. Empath007 says:

          Thanks for sharing your experiences Asp Emp. I have never had any desire to get high or have ever seen any value in drug use (although I do drink occasionally). My narc expressed experiences such as yours and would say that sex was far more enjoyable for him when he was high etc. I never thought much of it other then ‘he has addiction issues’ … ones I can’t fix. However, I also did not know he was a narcissist and that his reasons for taking this drug may offer him an experience that is helpful in connecting him with experiences he’s otherwise incapable of connecting too. I suppose I wish I wasn’t so harsh on him about it now… because honestly it probably helped ME out if he would have been high more often.

          But then again it wouldn’t change anything…. because I could never have a relationship with someone who constantly needed to be high.

          I know to most I sound rigid and judgmental – I don’t mean to come across as such, however, my father was a heavy drinker – the experience of watching how that affected my family growing up created this rigid stance on drug use for me and is why I see no value in it. Hopefully that provides some context to understanding my mind set.

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