Regrets

REGRETS

 

Dr E explained that he wanted to discuss with me the issue of regret.

“Have you ever regretted anything?” he asked.

“No,” I answered promptly.

“I see. What do you understand by regret?”

“It is a feeling of sadness or perhaps disappointment over something that you have done or failed to do.”

“When have you experienced that feeling?” he asked.

“I haven’t.”

“If I tell you that most people have regrets, which ones would you remember?”

“Which of their regrets would I remember?” I asked. He looked up at me over the top of his red and black note pad and raised his eyebrows.

“I haven’t had any,” I repeated.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Let me see. Probably because I have had nothing to express regret about. The absence of something tends to be the reason why you have not something, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Okay. Now in your many explanations to me you have explained some of the things that you have done. Yes,” he noticed I was going to interrupt him but he kept going, “I know you detailed those at my behest and I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Those acts of commission and omission led to people feeling angry with you, hurt and upset. Would you agree?”

I nodded.

“Okay. Now I would suggest that one might feel regret at having caused those people to feel that way. Would you agree?”

“You might feel a sense of regret Dr E but I do not.”

“Why is that?”

“Why to which part? Why you might feel a sense of regret or why I do not?”

If he was irritated by my pedantry he was not showing it.

“The latter.”

“Because I am not at fault. In all those instances it is the other person’s fault.”

“How about some examples?”

“Okay. Kate’s dog went missing. Do you remember me telling you about that?” He nodded. “If she had cared for it properly and given me the attention I deserve it would not have been lost. Christopher who was fired from his position, he was incompetent. Emily kept asking me the wrong questions so that is why she was treated in that way. Sophie kept asking me what I was thinking so that is why I lost my temper and smashed her television. As for Paula, she was late so I walked off and left her to find her own way home. Do you want me to go on?”

“No, that is sufficient.”

“If people tried harder, if they were more thoughtful then this would not happen. I can do it so why not they? I will tell you why. They become weak and complacent. They think that they can not invest any energy into our relationship, whether intimate or not, any longer. If you do not feed something it will wither and die. They brought it on themselves and they are the ones at fault. My reaction was perfectly natural. I was entitled to respond the way I did. They cannot judge me, they have no jurisdiction to do so, certainly not when they let me down every single time.  They bring it on themselves with their weakness and their whining, their reluctance to do what is needed, what I need. It sickens me doctor, it truly sickens me.

Have you any idea how difficult it is to find someone who retains my interest, someone scintillating enough to match my brilliance?

It is impossible. I try Dr E, I bloody well try to I offer them the world in the hope that just this once they will match my expectations and not let me down.

It always happens. I am always let down. She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated.

Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this?

I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”

35 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. Lisa Gomez says:

    People who have no regrets believe that theirs nothing wrong with them but everyone else so they play the blame game, how do I know this because I live with both my parents and their parents and their parents before them and so have been doing this ever since the garden of Eden with Adam & Eve the first man & woman because of the devil who wanted to be ruler so it’s been pass down for generation and will keep continuing because no body wants to take responsibility for themselves because to them blaming is easier than say I’m sorry, or I’m in the wrong, or just owning up. In the Bible it says: do on to others as you want others do on to you (meaning: treat others how you want to be treated, two wrong doesn’t make it right) besides your letting the devil control everything you do, say, hear, see and feel as well as how you think. You open the door for the devil and looks like he deceived you through your parents and through history, you are going down to his level and your saying (you can’t control yourself but really your saying that you can’t stop the devil from controlling you).I. So I’ve decided that I rather follow Jesus Christ example and not let the devil make me his slave forever, your no better than the devil himself. We all can learn from Jesus, anything negative, evil, bad and sinful is the devil especially if we’re using all our senses in that way. I listen to Joyce Meyer Sermons because she brakes it down so you understand the Bible, because I was born with Arthogryposis and I’m not sure how much mental disability I have I do know that I understand everything like a child (even though I’m 44yrs old). My whole family is a narcissist and I believe they might have some mental disability but their physically normal but there are a few who are physically disabled but not like me because I’m the only Arthogryposis that can walk (or so my doctor’s know of) and I’m trying to change because I was starting to head in that direction but thank goodness I’m learning to catch myself by watching Joyce Meyer Sermons and I’m doing so much better.

    I keep God in front of me and I keep myself so full of positive and good that the devil can’t control me, and theirs times that I have to talkt to myself and remind myself that it is wrong and how would I like it if the table was turn how would I like it if someone done that to me “I wouldn’t like it at all” so it’s been helping me a lot and I’m so proud of my self. I don’t want to be like people, I want to be like Jesus Christ. We are from this world but don’t be like the world but be like Jesus Christ.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are entitled to your own religious beliefs but it is nothing to do with the devil. Thinking that is simplistic and dangerous.

  2. Empath007 says:

    I don’t tend to have regrets either, I’m one of those wildly optimistic people who sees the lesson in everything and can turn it into a positive. For example, I do not regret my encounter with the narcissist as it made me understand more about myself in a way that I can use to move me forward in life. It also allowed me to explore my sexuality more And learn about myself that way.

    No regrets. A lot of ruminating …. but no regrets.

  3. i still don't know says:

    There is so much overlap with PTSD (not the victim consciousness whining BS)… serious PTSD … are narcissists severe PTSD sufferers..? Kids who developed it and carried the fortifications into audulthood? Hardening them to an extreme of the extremes basis?

    1. Witch says:

      I believe narcissism is very different from PTSD but some narcissists can be comorbid and may have PTSD symptoms like flashbacks

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Witch, interesting words in your comment. Is there, in your view, a possibility that CPTSD within a child leads to narcissism because of the LOCE? What you said about ‘flashbacks’, I did wonder if the MR I was ‘entangled’ with did have as such, because there were occasions (a few times) where he reacted badly ie in sudden flash of anger (surprise?) so effectively his ‘fury’ was ‘lit’ (instinctive response = assertion of control)? Yet, it was over as quick as it came on – a slip of the mask?

        Comorbidity is probably more common but not yet ‘spotted’ by those who have not had the experience of ‘people watching’ (giggling at my choice of words here). Observing others, I mean.

      2. psychologyandworldaffairs says:

        This could explain why sometimes I am torn with regards to my ex – something to consider – thanks 🙂

  4. Becoming Observant says:

    Do narcissists miss people that they block/punish with silent treatments (due to incitement of fury)? I know he finds it elsewhere after a fight, but it must not be as good, bc he always returns.

    Do they miss us? Does it make them angry when they can’t find a better replacement?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, we do not miss you. We may say that we miss you (flattery or pity play) but that is a manipulation in the moment using an invented past event. Do you miss your television set or toaster? No, neither do I and that is what you.

      1. njfilly says:

        I miss my home sometimes, does that count?

        I also sometimes miss my bed.

        1. Another Cat says:

          Njfilly

          Yes but you also have an inner sense of calm where you don’t constantly have to act to gain control over people and your possessions.
          You understand that they “are there”.

          You have object constancy.

          1. njfilly says:

            AnotherCat:

            Yes, I understand.

            It’s interesting, after I posted my comment I thought about it. I wrote “I miss my home” not “I miss my house”. So I began reflecting on what I missed and I think it is the feeling evoked by my house, not the actual house. Although I do sometimes miss the actual house as an object; it’s large, clean, functional, and beautiful, and very easy and comfortable to live in. Also with regard to my bed; it’s a king size bed so yes I like sleeping in it, but I believe it is the feeling I miss more. The comfort and familiarity I feel when I sleep in my own bed.

          2. Another Cat says:

            Very interesting, Njfilly. There is obviously a decided difference between us missing our bed, and HG missing his. Does the narcissist understand that the bed exists when he is not at home? I guess he does of course, but I suppose he constantly has to feel he is in control of his material possessions, in a way that we don’t need to. I sort of “feel” what HG is talking about regarding his bed and recognise that you mean something else by that notion, but I can’t put it into words.

          3. Becoming Observant says:

            This fellow is always either into me or feigning hate for me (ugly words, blocking). He offers no sense of “being there always.” He runs from conflict (ie me asking any question at all). Then comes back (between girlfriend I assume). I am a weak, addicted-to-sex-with-him appliance.

            His “flightiness” gives me terrible anxiety.

          4. NarcAngel says:

            AC
            That inanimate objects can elicit emotion from us based on previous experience/interaction, where narcs will find only the utility in them and in the moment? Or something else?

          5. Another Cat says:

            So well put, NA.

            I guess we long to be in the environment of that item again. “I miss my bed/the smell from my cool coffee brewer” whereas I presume the narcissist misses only how those items work for him, right there and then.

      2. Witch says:

        Yep we are nothing more than old used goods to a narcissist. Always important to remember that

      3. Alexissmith2016 says:

        I miss my phone when I don’t have it with me and practically go into anaphylactic shock

      4. Becoming Observant says:

        Thanks HG.

        He sure does believe himself to be a normal guy. It’s easy to forget what he is when he’s love-bombing. His actions are consistent/textbook with your picture of somatic narcissism. He is what he is, even if he can’t see it. I wish “normal” men would put as much effort into sex as the somatic narc does. I do.

      5. Empath007 says:

        “Do you miss your aTelevision set or toaster” … actually… yes, if it performed exceptionally well in comparison to its replacement. I find appliances are created cheaper and cheaper these days… they do not last 15-20 years like they used too. Recently I had to replace my fridge which was only 10 years old… and the new one makes me miss my old one because it does not have as much space or function the same. There’s nothing emotional about it, it’s just a fact the other one was more functional.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          E007, your description gave me a giggle. Yet, I agree with you that equipment these days are not built to last as long. When I was in dispute with a telecommunications company over their ‘flimsy’ router modem, I proved my point by using the older and stronger one – it was issued to me in 2009 and I was using it ten years later! Manufacturers have now created mobile phones where you cannot remove the battery to change it despite the phone itself functioning fine.

  5. SParham says:

    If it is a narcs fault, so what? They are completely entitled to forget at will and have an awful day. Somebody generally starts the ball of fury rolling earlier and bam! it’s all the primary source’ fault when they’ve had an off day too. If a young empath is reading this, PLEASE run away as soon as you learn/remember. Don’t waste time or expose family to this disaster. If children keep getting exposed to these behaviors the worlds just gonna get shittier. Life never gets better with a narc, it’s a wait and see game forever.

    1. A Victor says:

      Sadly children can’t run away. I always hoped my parents would divorce and I would be placed with my less difficult narc father. And I considered running away many times but the practicality odd such, and the fear of what would happen if I was caught, kept me in place. Now maybe there is more help available but I likely would’ve gone under the radar of most in a position to help anyway, my parents facade was quite convincing.

      1. SParham says:

        I ran away constantly as a kid. I learned to be sneaky af growing up that way. Both parents are narcissists so a divorce wouldn’t have helped. I ran away from relationships too until I had kids.

        1. A Victor says:

          Wow, we were somewhat similar. I was too afraid to run away but both narcs. One was just nice than the other. But I’ve always run from relationships, the fact that I did that was partly why I was convinced I was a narcissist when I arrived here. Or at least not an empath. The kids were part of my reason for not running from my second ex, another party was that my addiction was full blown and running rampant. He had me financially dependent and emotionally tied. He wasn’t heavy handed in what I could do but he was very good at manipulating me, or I was very susceptible to it. I had learned to “go underground” with my personal life, that was my version of sneaky. I am glad not to have to live that way anymore, though I still keep my private life separate from my mom. I apologize if my comment offended you, it was not intended to. I was sharing my experience but should’ve made it clear I understand not all had/have the same experience. I am glad both of us are here now, to learn and grow our knowledge if what happened to us.

  6. Another Cat says:

    The model on this photograph, HG, looks so very much like a greater in my country. A famous author, journalist, musician, composer and priest. Happens to be a friend of my ex. And it’s that “exact” gaze, wrinkles and blue eyes. So scary and familiar, every time you engage this image for an article.

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi AC, I always thought this guy looked like Tom Hanks. I don’t particularly care for Hanks but I have not thought him to be a narcissist. He should probably go on my 20 bullets list, just to be sure.

  7. Asp Emp says:

    This article, every time I read it, I see a perspective that I may have either missed sooner, or something prompts me to see some words in the article that has been ‘viewed’ in a different way because of either a comment may have brought it into my mind.

    The words “Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this?”- I had not really ‘thought’ about it – why mother treated me the way she did – I came to my own conclusions ever since she started her abuse and as time went by, I was able to understand more. This past year, I learned hell of a lot more. I understand why mother did it all. BUT I still refuse to accept it. It does not mean that I dwell on it, neither do I ‘squash’ it down. I have let it go. She is long gone.

    Maybe, just maybe, that is partly why my supanova at the Lesser & MRN were explosive. Unresolved anger from mother’s abuse.

    This article is a prime example as to why HG’s work, works. It invokes a way to see certain phrases / sentences with a different ‘prism’ when the ever-changing thought ‘patterns’ in the brain, possibly create a new ‘pathway’ of the same ‘experiences’ of narcissism’s affects. Approaching HG’s work from different ‘angles’ over a period of time can be as a result of reducing ET / increasing LT – but using your improved LT to also ‘expand’ the way of thinking in a more lateral way of using your mind.

    Commenting on this article previously – to me, it is still relevant – RE: “It’s about ‘reassurance’. Reassurance that you won’t be ‘let down’. Reassurance is a BIG word. Trust is also a BIG word. People don’t ‘get it’ unless they experience it”.

    Now, with my learning & understanding everything of the past and specifically about myself as an individual, I know I am a better person for it.

    Thank you, HG, for your work and for ‘opening’ this world for people like you and me to share experiences of our lives with others, to help them on their journey of understanding the affects of narcissism within humanity.

    How one can go on a mind-blowing journey of a life-time, without even leaving their seat !! 😉

  8. psychologyandworldaffairs says:

    I find the concept of no regret and no ability to accept ones own actions in the dynamic – very perplexing.

    How do they learn and adapt? To truly be brilliant in an area of expertise – would one not need to reflect and learn from ones mistakes?

    For example – I create a website. It does not do as well as I hoped. Do I simply blame the host – the people for not appreciating its brilliance? Or do I re-think and learn from my experience and create a better one?

    Is a narcissist able to say – ‘I did not do the first as well as I could have done?’’I learned from the mistakes I made?’

    1. Asp Emp says:

      PAWA, interesting comment. Maybe the learning is by ‘trial and error’? I think it also depends on the school of narcissist. A Lesser would continue to drag his knuckles on the tarmac, despite it being an ape-thing to do (LOL) and would be absolutely adamant that he is right – I know from experience – until one day, someone else who is not ‘taking sides’ and a complete ‘outsider’ of the “circumstances” (ie in work situation, and the outsider is not working for the same organisation) – says exactly more or less the same thing I had said for years. Finally, the Lesser “got it”. (Dimwit). The higher intelligence narcissists (ie that are aware and / or are consciously calculating) may, not always, may do it deliberately – for control (and gaslighting or blame-shifting) – depends on the circumstances / environment.

      RE: websites – I have learned over the years and it is one of my bug-bears – you will find that there are systems pre-designed yet they do not offer all what you would need and do not even give you the options to take that system and add your own to it to make it better for you to use – too restrictive. You expect one system to give you everything that you need it – but no. Look at Telecoms companies as a prime example.

      1. psychologyandworldaffairs says:

        Hi Asp – yes I see what you mean. I guess since becoming aware (thanks to HG), I have found I have questions regarding learning – I know I learn best from my mistakes. But one has to admit first they made a mistake. Seems a little self defeating in a way not to do so…

        Absolutely right – about no system being perfect for your needs and the need to work within the parameters given. I created (non technical me lol), one for a past business. I know soon I will have to start the headache again…

        1. Asp Emp says:

          PAWA, do you keep a template of the one you originally designed to ‘re-use’ it – would you be allowed to do that? Building another one from scratch is a pain, unless you’re paid from start to finish. That Lesser never admitted being wrong yet he wasn’t happy being ‘shown up’ (LOL).

          1. psychologyandworldaffairs says:

            Unfortunately, everything has moved on in the last 20 years. Platforms have changed so much and software. This is for a personal project. My one saving grace will be how savvy young people are. My sons streaming friend (who streamlined bitcoin mining code – for greater returns), has offered to write any code needed to make processes work together which may not otherwise :)))

          2. Asp Emp says:

            PAWA, 20 years! Of course computers / technology has moved on since. Great that you have a computer-smart-arse to hand. Pity he can’t ‘re-write’ that narcissist organisation’s whole pc network, damn. 🙂

    2. Becoming Observant says:

      Oooh: and does he look back at his past self with disgust, thinking that his current self is superior?

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