The Narcissist Keeps It in The Family
The narcissistic dynamic and the effects of our kind are all-pervasive. Nobody is untouched by us in their lives. Whether it is the stranger we smile at in the lift and receive a smile in return, thus gaining a dollop of fuel, the doggedly loyal friend who is in awe of us and does whatever we want or the smitten and confused discarded primary source, we are everywhere. You find us walking down the street, in your workplace, at the bar, in the hospital, in your bed and also in your family.
Much of what is written about our kind appertains to the romantic ensnarement of an unwitting victim who falls madly and deeply in love with us, suffers the cruelty of devaluation and then is tossed aside with no explanation before being hoovered back in and the process begins once more. This is the case because this type of narcissistic dynamic is amongst the most devastating owing to the strength of feeling, the close proximity between narcissist and victim and the period of exposure. The targeting of somebody to be our intimate partner primary source is regarded as the most obvious engagement with our kind and fits the standard model of seduction, devaluation, discard and hoover.
Of course, as I have shown, there is much more than this standard model, with the targeting period, the initial seduction and then the seduction golden period, the stranger zone, the respite periods and so on. Furthermore, there are variances for those who are intimate partner secondary sources or those who find themselves the dirty secret intimate partner secondary source. There is also the situation with inner and outer circle friends who are secondary non-intimate sources who enjoy elongated golden periods and those who a tertiary sources who may experience a short blast of seduction and no golden period or the malice of a malign hoover from the very beginning. Whilst the methodology of our kind has many similarities, there are also many variations dependent on the nature of the source which we are entangled with and this is equally applicable to the family.
Family members are nearly always secondary sources to the narcissist. The majority are non-intimate but in certain instances there are family members who are intimate secondary sources.
Occasionally there may be a situation where a family member is a primary source. These are rarer but certainly not unheard of. Again, these are mainly non-intimate but there are also intimate examples too. If the family member is a primary source, there is a greater likelihood of intimacy than as a secondary source.
The family instance is varied. You may have a narcissistic parent or grandparent, a sibling may be the narcissist, a cousin or your child or children may be narcissists. Blended families may also bring in a step-relative who is a narcissist. The issue of a family member being narcissistic is a wide one, with a variety of permutations and in this article I will be addressing some of the key aspects of the narcissist in a family sense, providing an introductory overview, with later articles focussing on individual areas of this whole dynamic.
There is no seduction when there is a non-intimate relationship between a narcissist and a blood family member. This is because the familial relationship has already created a bond and a sense of obligation which seduction would otherwise create. The narcissist does not need to establish a connection. In all other dynamics with a narcissist, the victim starts out as a remote stranger or a stranger. They may remain in that place and are seduced purely for the provision of a one-off or repeated bursts of fuel. Think the stranger in the lift or somebody who a narcissist flirts with online. This individual may become a secondary source by becoming a friend or a colleague and then be promoted to a primary source thereafter. The promotions may be swift but in order to draw the individual to them to begin with there must be a seduction. This does not happen with the family member
- You know the narcissist as your parent or grand-parent and you have an established connection with them from birth;
- You know the narcissist as your child and you have an established connection from their birth;
- You know the narcissist as a sibling or a cousin and you have an established connection from your birth or theirs, dependent on who is the elder.
This connection creates a sense of obligation.
- As a parent you are obliged to look after your child;
- As a child you are obliged to be under the control of your parent;
- As a sibling or a cousin, you are obliged to be connected to them by reason of blood
Thus the narcissist does not need to seduce the family member to create the bond. The bond has already been established by reason of being a family member. This saves the narcissist considerable work.
The exception to this is where the narcissist wishes to ‘elevate’ the source to an intimate secondary source or an intimate primary source, namely through the commission of incest and invariably it is abusive in nature. For this to happen, the narcissist must engage in seduction to bring about the intimacy. This will involve manipulations to bring about this coercion, isolation from other family members and external influences and the clear use of incentives and more over threats to ensure that the incestuous activity is kept hidden.
The dynamic between a familial narcissist and his or her victim will fall into one of these categories:-
- An elongated golden period where the victim is always treated well, akin to an inner circle secondary source. This is where the familial victim is treated as a secondary source. This individual will be accorded golden or favoured status. Thus a sibling will be the favourite, the child will be the golden child, a parent will be favoured over the other, a cousin will be seen as a favourite. The position of being golden or favourite is not an exclusive one. It is entirely permissible for the narcissist to have two cousins who are favoured, two siblings who are favoured or a parent to have two golden children. What there must always be when there is one or more relative who is favoured or golden, there has to be a scapegoat relative as well who is of equivalent ‘rank’. Thus with the golden child or children, there will be one child who is the scapegoat, a narcissistic child may favour his or her biological parents and scapegoat the step-parent and so on. This is necessary because the narcissist needs somebody to compare against to create the favouritism. Remember, we always want to deploy contrasts (think being placed on the pedestal and then thrown to the ground, the provision of great sex which is then removed etc) because contrast is the catalyst for better drama, greater emotional output and thus more potent fuel.
- Where the familial victim is installed as a primary source, they will experience the similar pattern to that of a non-familial primary source, namely a golden period to begin with but then devaluation will follow in due course.
- An elongated devaluation period which is punctuated by Respite Periods. This is akin to the recognised pattern of behaviour between a narcissist and the primary source. Here the familial victim is subjected to the denigrating manipulations of the narcissist and every so often will experience relief from this state by receiving a Respite Period where a golden period is visited on the victim. The distinction here however is that the familial victim does not experience a golden period to begin with. There is no need for one since there was no need for seduction, this already occurred through the familial bond which exists. This is where the individual is treated as a familial secondary source. The victim is cast as a scapegoat and then favoured. In this scenario there will be vacillation between two sources. Source A is the golden child. Source B is the scapegoat. Source A is then made the scapegoat and Source B becomes the golden child before it changes again.
- An elongated devaluation period which does not have any respite periods, but the victim gains some relief from the devaluation because they are a secondary source and therefore the narcissist does not call on them with the same frequency for fuel. During those periods when the narcissist is not drawing fuel, the victim is left alone. There is however no positive behaviour towards the victim (as there is when there is Respite Period). This typically occurs between the adult narcissist and adult familial victim because they do not live together and because the victim is a secondary source, so the narcissist is not making daily demands for negative fuel against the victim. However, whenever there is an interaction between the narcissist and the victim it is always negative in nature, the victim is cast as the perpetual black sheep of the family, always the scapegoat.
A familial primary source is rarely discarded but would be demoted to a secondary source, when the narcissist secures a non-familial primary source instead.
A familial secondary source is rarely discarded. If the familial secondary source engages in behaviour which is regarded as traitorous and treacherous by the narcissist, rather than discard the individual (which is less likely because of the familial bond) they will maintain that individual as a perpetual scapegoat instead.
If a familial primary or secondary source tries to escape the narcissist then there will be hoovers using the familial dynamic (other family members will readily become compliant as Lieutenants) in order to draw the individual back under the narcissists control. Escape is usually much harder for the victim because the existing familial bond is especially burdensome to the victim in terms of guilt, wanting to help and having a sense of obligation towards their relative.
Narcissists utilise familial Lieutenants regularly and it is very rare to find a narcissist without one. This might be the other parent where the child is a narcissist or if one of the parents is a narcissist, it may well be a sibling (especially if they are afforded golden child status) who is used and triangulated with the scapegoated victim.
Family members are almost always significant members of the façade. This is because they are in denial as to the behaviour of the member of the family, unable to accept that a blood relation would act in such a manner, preferring not to confront the behaviour, to dilute its effect and minimise it instead.
These are just some of the key elements of a familial narcissistic dynamic and various elements and strands of this will be detailed and focused on in due course.
36 thoughts on “The Narcissist Keeps It in The Family”
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HG,
Is it only the Narcissist who commit incest, or can non Narcissists do it too?
For example, a brother and sister, who experiment with each other sexually during puberty, brother age is 15, sister age is 14.
Thank you.
Auti
A non-narcissist can also engage in such behaviour.
Aha, thank you.
And this article demonstrates that the effects on children are supported by evidence:
“Physical touch during early life appears to play a key role in moral development, according to new psychology research”
Do you think it’s possible for a child of two empaths to become a narcissist if there has been no abuse ?
Yes.
How can that be, H.G.?
Thanks HG
Eliza, have you read ‘To Control is to Cope – The Creation of Narcissism’?
Sometimes the DNA can ‘skip’ a generation – HG has explained something similar during the ‘The Ebby Online Podcast’ that he did a few weeks ago.
The following is an explanation that I copied and pasted from another blogger on KTN….. “Primary Narcissism is the normal stage of narcissism that all children go through as they develop into healthy adults and Secondary Narcissism is Pathological Narcissism (NPD) that develops due to a lack of control environment (LOCE) and genetic predisposition (GPD)”.
Thank you so much AE ❤️ I will take a look at these suggestions !!
Eliza, great to know. You’ll find the article interesting ☺
Not sure if a family member could be a NIPPS? I have a cousin who I suspect is a Narcissist I think Middle Lesser , complete alcoholic! Still lives at home with his mother. He actually called me after 24 years,maybe that was a hoover ? Don’t know even though I am related I want nothing to do with him, even though he is trying to keep it in the family. U want no part.
When I was speaking with someone yesterday, they said “there is family and then there is ‘The Family’, with a capital F” (basically quoted here). They made references to ones that you can ‘talk’ to, ‘connect’ with and ‘trust’. It was their choice of ‘words’ that made me think, and so I asked if so and so is not as close as once were in the past? I also asked about a member of the younger generation. There was a certain ‘deflection’ (change of subject / direction) after my question, unanswered.
Very interesting. Then again, it is not. Basically there is “the circle and then there’s ‘The Inner Circle’”.
Made me think though, and no, I did not ‘over’ share as I would have done so in the past. I left some things ‘unsaid’. As a form of ‘protection’ for me and others, as appropriate.
The common phrase “Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer” did not ‘apply’ – inner circle and outer circle.
An educated empath can have them too. Inners (open emotions & thoughts) / Outers (closed emotions & thoughts).
Could it be that the Cerebrals and cerebral leaning Elites tend to keep it in the family? They abhor intimacy, they abhor sex, so keeping it in the family appears to be a very handy solution for them. They don´t have to have sex and get the fuel anyway.
Fucking Victims narcs too.
Fucking misogynists! All of them!
Even my mother. Although, she’s beyond misogynist, she hates everybody.
The biggest misogynist I met was my MMRA Elite aka “Mr. Wanker”. Women are all sluts, whores, huntresses who are just out to get him. He did not say it that way but the meaning of his statement was this. #2 My Upper Lesser A Somatic, who openly admitted that to him all women are sluts, except for mom and grandma. Madonna-Whore complex at it´s best. # 3 was my probably some Lesser Somatic (NDC not possible) who openly treated women as objects. Patri Narc, I don´t know. Probably he hides it very well?
Leela, the ULS Somatic I knew was the most obvious, he was so rude to women on the site where I met him that there were entire threads deleted over his comments on occasion. My mother is second worst and my dad was third, he was UMR Elite. My ex had the Madonna-Whore complex, which is where his misogyny showed itself but it was less apparent to the world at large than the other three.
The MMRA Elite was really afraid of us women. No joke. He thinks that we´re some huntresses, parasites or whatever. He even said that women are dangerous. Like we were witches or whatever 😂
That is interesting. I don’t think I have ever met a man who was actually afraid of women. Or if so it was only in passing.
After listening to H.G. Mauls the Elites, I understand. He´s indeed an Elite, and as H.G. describes the MMR Elite, it´s very accurate. But as H.G. says, some traits can be missing and my MMRA Elite just happened to miss exactly this somatic trait. The sexuality is clearly cerebral. That´s why.
Met such a person before by the way (at work). Very probably Upper Mid Range Elite. She´s very good looking, very well groomed, interested in food and drinks, she´s obsessed with her looks, she´s smart, well educated interested in literature, culture, art and politics, but lashes out every time when it comes to talk about the human body and especially human sexuality. Extremely disgusted of body fluid, sexuality and the human body. Utterly disgusted! Very prudish! Sex is something dirty and utterly disgusting. She seems to be missing that somatic trait too.
To them, we woman are disgusting whores, sluts, vampires, huntresses.
Leela, as long as we know what we are that is all that matters !
Yes Eternity, so we can GOSO!
A Victor, absolutely 💯
After 12 years, I met with my older half sister yesterday. My side of the family disowned her some 20 years ago (arguably deserved). Now, her own children and grandchildren barely have a relationship with her. Now that I know about narcissists, I see it in her as plain as day. We did have good times tho. Peas in a pod.
I know the family history and she didn’t make herself a narcissist, so I do have compassion. I won’t get close enough to be burned, but I do still love her.
BC30, I am so happy for you to have re-connected, even as you are being cautious about it. I am not in contact with my sister and brother, I had a very few sentences with him at out dad’s funeral and he left half way through. It was the first time in several years I had seen or heard from him. It is hard, I miss them, but I understand it.
Guess what! My youngest daughter did the empath detector and, if HG allows it through, she told me I could tell you that her highest cadre matches yours! I knew it and I was so happy to be right, it tells me I’m learning something! She is usually so delightful, I knew it had to be that, and also, those moments when she not, haha! Now we know why we know! If there’s ever some merch out for it, I will be getting her something, something big too! 🙂
Awesome 🤩 Ha! So you know what we’re like.
My dad shares the same primary School and Cadre. Otherwise I’m a mix of both without Co-D— it makes sense, I was raised by empaths. They both have a dash of Co-D. I have suspicions about why.
Really!! That is so cool, you and he must keep your mom hopping! Lol! My daughter’s primary school is CoD. Though I see it in her, and I know it is a lot of why she is so good at what she does professionally, it made me a bit sad for her also. She has taken terrible abuse in her quest to fill that need in herself. But, now knowing that she is made that way and all that goes with it, I believe she will be better able to spot and move away from people who would take advantage of her. And she has us now to help her also, because we also know. I am hoping she will read chained but she’s not much of a reader so we’ll see. Her current bf is very nice and I haven’t seen any signs of narcissism in him.
BC30, that was good to read. Thank you for sharing it.
It was bittersweet. She has the genetic component. I do not. I don’t think it runs in my parent’s families.
BC30, I understand how you feel. At least you’re in touch & being a better person for continuing to be compassionate x
BC30
I’m pleased to hear you could meet her again, and that you are able to feel for her having had LOCE in her childhood. Thanks to your knowledge from here, and yourself, you know how to handle things.
I am sickened by how bad this situation is for the victim. My heart goes out to all who have experienced this in their lives.