Whore

WHORE

 

Tell me, what is it like to be such a whore? How does it feel? Are you proud of yourself? Are you pleased with what you have become? Are your parents proud of what their son or daughter has done with their life, to become this thing that prostitutes itself so regularly and with no sense of shame? If only they knew eh? If only they knew the lengths, you go to in order to get what you want. It must be a shallow existence don’t you think? Knowing that nobody truly likes you, that all of the love, affection, friendship, kindness and gratitude has to be bought and paid for. What an empty life that must be? I know you are very good at it.

I will give you that. You are a professional when it comes to performing this role. I must admit that I sometimes watch with a strange kind of, well, I suppose it is respect isn’t it? Yes, respect for the way that you work your role. You know what to say don’t you? Those words come easy to you but they should because you have used them often enough on other people. You are a serial offender if the truth be told and that is why the epitaph of whore is so fitting. You know just what to say to get what you want. You know when to say it, what to say and how to say it, just like a hooker parading her wares in a window in Amsterdam.

You have worked out your best side, your most beguiling stance and you have them come flocking, every time. I am impressed by it; I have to say. You make it seem so real. You fooled me, there was no doubt about it. You have used your experience and you are experienced, to heighten the sensation so it is better than anything else. It is probably better than the real thing. I know you are just going through the motions but I am wise to you, I would be a fool if I was not, but there are countless of them out there who will fall for it time and time again.

You won’t be going out of business, not at all. You will have a steady stream of those willing to have sugar poured in their ear, hear those honey-coated words tumble from those oh so inviting lips. And the promises, oh the promises. So difficult to resist, so inviting, so exciting. They clamour for your attention in the end. I find it odd in a way because you are selling yourself but you don’t actually have to sell yourself do you? They come to you. They flock in their droves, lured by your siren call and you always deliver. You always give them exactly what they want. You did that with me. You knew what I wanted and you provided it for me, in spades. It was sensational and you got me hooked so I didn’t want it from anyone else. That is pretty powerful.

I wish I knew how it felt though. How does it feel to live like this? How does it feel knowing that everything is a show, a performance and it isn’t real? What is it like being so shallow? Do you even care? Perhaps you don’t, after all you are getting what you want aren’t you? Well we both are actually so we should both be delighted with it, but why is it that I am not? Why is it that I feel used? I thought I was the one who was in control, I thought I was the one who was calling the shots and yet I always seem to surrender that control to you. I thought I was the one who got to play the tune and you danced to it but then it doesn’t always work that way does it? I wish I could work out why that was. You make me feel like you at times, or at least you make me feel how I imagine you feel, cheap, used, dirty, a whore.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. This is all you know isn’t it? This is how you have had to adapt, how you have to ensure you survive by getting people to do what you want, to make them like you, to make them adore you and love you. I wonder how long you will carry on like this? Is this the way it is always going to be? Is this you are consigned to do for the rest of your life, seeking a way through the vagaries of your existence by always doing what the other person wants. You need to please don’t you? That’s how you survive.

You exist only through the permission and desires of the others. You may think you wield the power, you may think that pleasure, absolute please, joy, ecstasy and delight are within your gift but you are beholden to provide those things because if you do not then you are nothing. You are nothing. Nothing without me. Nothing at all. I made you who you are, you need me although you will tell me that I need you. Perhaps we need one another? I don’t like to think that is the case because I have to be the one that makes the decisions, pulls the strings and gets what I want. I dictate and you react. That’s the way it is isn’t it?

So, you carry on doing what you do best. Carry on imagining that people really do love you, that people really do like you and that they want to be with you because you are so wonderful and delightful. It is your performance that they want and you had better not forget that. You had better remember that you are beholden to their desires. You dance to the tune and he who pays the piper plays the tune. Everybody pays though don’t they?

The payment is what it is all about and you always make sure you get paid. You are never short-changed, ripped off or discounted. You won’t do anything without extracting your payment and you make sure you get full value for your endeavours don’t’ you? Nothing for free. Everybody pays. Nothing because you want to do it or feel you should. It is all about the payment. That is all you want, the payment for yourself.

Whore.

I hate you

6 thoughts on “Whore

  1. Joa says:

    And one more thing. I do not allow our daughter to be devalued.

    I DO NOT LET.

    U-N-D-E-R-S-T-A-N-D?

    She is supposed to be “healthy”.

    This is the only condition. It attracts you, doesn’t it? You tried. She rejected you. No, it’s not her fault. No, she is not the same as me. She is even more like you.

    You can’t spoil it. Think and go. And take them with you, I can feel their tentacles.

    You’ll come back later. It’s not the time yet.

    Time … you’ve been repeating that word a lot lately. You force. You choke. You want to speed up. Believe me, it’s not that time yet.

  2. Joa says:

    And I know he has now brought the Queen Mother another “romantic”, fresh and innocent toy for blackout.

    The REAL GAME is not between me and “my” narcissist, but between him and his mother. Fight for life and death. Perhaps the final showdown.

    I am a tool. Again. Back in that fucking sick triangle. When I think about this broader perspective, I feel like puke and want to withdraw.

    I have some time. I need to think about it. All possible endings. And can I achieve my little goals when he sets me up against the Queen Mother?

    It was already. I definitely don’t want to go back to that. I may suffer even more. This darkness is too terrible, I will never get used to it.

    Will I be able to disappear? Fucking competition and goofy bravery. Aaaaaa, my dragon has grown too much and refuses to be caged …

  3. Asp Emp says:

    I didn’t know whether to start barking, howling, or miaowing……..laughing.

  4. Joa says:

    I perceive this text as an internal auto-conversation. Later projected onto me.

    “My” narcissist in THESE rare moments calls himself a male whore. And when he is excited about our fight, he almost screams that he wants to fuck (I don’t know if the translator will translate this word well – it’s about sexual degradation, deterioration).

    As for the projection on me … “Call me so much dear” 🙂🙂🙂

    I have no such dilemmas. In sex, I let my dominant monster break free. I can there. But I keep it within those limits. I also like the reverse role, surrendering to the monster of “my” narcissist. If only he could hold the boundaries and not let go of the rest of his life … Our sex is a fight. I love it.

    There were also rare moments of gentleness and intimacy. That’s when I became the biggest whore … when I caressed his penis with tenderness and love, and he … with shame covered his face with a pillow …

    This slander must have met with a severe punishment which he imposed on me.

    I remember that moment as cute. Magnificent.

    Now is a completely different stage. But … I feel this crazy flickering with sexual energy again like a Christmas tree overloaded with LED lights 🙂

    1.5 years he provoked me in every way to free my monster. The last sexual triangulation poured the cup. And it happened. The day before yesterday, I treated me like a dog, laughing wildly at the same time: “Lick the fuck and fuck off”, “Apport” … I will not quote again. He was delighted with what he released from me. Again. He has known this dynamic since childhood – with his mother. The roles have turned around. He could not calm down with joy, gibberish poured from his mouth as I calmly but emphatically sent my missiles.

    Sometimes I was surprised why he reveals his secrets, tricks, why he shows me the secrets of manipulation, he explains. Why is it not covered anymore … Now I know. He fed my monster. And when he saw the five-headed dragon, he could not hide his joy.

    I thought there was going to be a GAME OVER. No. It was the testing phase and then training. The fight has only just begun.

    I can fight him as long as he doesn’t bring Queen Mother into the ring. I know how they play, I know she drank that fuel too. And I have the impression that recently she was cut off on purpose and took me just for himself. She won’t leave it like that …

  5. karmicoverload says:

    I actually felt this could have been him saying this to me. I’ve heard it all before. The on-off relationship of three years, always ended by me because I feel bad that he wants a “Proper relationship with someone who is REAL, not a fantasy,” then reinstated by him. Because apparently, I have controlled him and he MUST circle back. Words from his own mouth. “I am the victim. You used me. I am your whore.”
    Given that he recently claimed it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, I really feel bad for the guy. Imagine how awful it must be to feel like someone is pointing a gun at your head and you must have sex with this woman half your age. Terrible.

  6. A Victor says:

    Oh geez, we just sell ourselves out for these people.

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