The Dirty Empath – Infidelity


The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet alongside these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.

There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).

Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behave in a way which is empathic with other people.

There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore, this can manifest in many different ways and includes the Empathic Supernova and The Cliff Fightback. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the class of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them.

This class of Dirty Empath has various streaks which appertain to the relevant narcissistic trait which prevails and this includes the streak of infidelity.

Thus where the empath is already in a romantic relationship, whether living together,boyfriend and girlfriend or married and they embark on a romantic, sexual relationship outside of that relationship, their narcissistic trait of infidelity has risen to the surface and remained there. What has caused that to happen? As ever, it is a symbiotic equation.

From the empath’s side there is something not right within their existing relationship which means that the narcissistic trait comes to the fore.

For instance, let us take the example whereby the spouse of the empath is either an empath or a normal and has become impotent and/or has no interest in sex any more. All else is well within the relationship – they care for the empath, they pull their weight around the home, they are a good parent, they have a decent job and so on. All is largely well, save for the issue of sexual relations. In such a situation, the empathic spouse has the following choices:-

  1. Recognise that all else is well within the relationship, that sex is but one facet (albeit an important one) and accept that it is better to have all of the other good elements of the relationship and therefore not seek to damage the relationship or hurt their spouse by seeking sexual interaction outside of the marriage. This is the response of an empath who has no dirty streak of the narcissistic trait of infidelity;
  2. As above save that the empath regards sex as so significant that they need it yet they do not want to hurt their spouse. Accordingly, they seek their spouse’s blessing to seek sex outside of the marriage but otherwise want nothing more external to the relationship. This is the response of an empath who has the narcissistic trait of infidelity but it is not so strong as to amount to a dirty streak;
  3. As per point one, save that the empath craves sexual interaction and knows it can only be achieved outside of the relationship. They therefore seek out sexual encounters with other people but have no desire to leave the existing relationship. This individual’s narcissistic dirty streak has risen to the fore and governed the behaviour of this particular empath.

With regard to this third element it remains relatively rare that the empath will do this unilaterally because their traits of guilt, honesty, decency and compassion will fight against the desire to accommodate the narcissistic desire of infidelity. If the narcissistic trait is very strong, the empath may still seek out these encounters and have them with normal people, an empath in a similar position to their own or find a narcissist.

What happens more often than not in this third situation is that the empath spouse has been targeted by our kind.

An empath with no narcissistic streak of infidelity (or a very low one) will resist the sexual overtures of the narcissist. They may remain as a Non Intimate Secondary Source to the narcissist. It is highly unlikely they would be targeted to begin with in any event by the narcissist.

An empath with a narcissistic streak of infidelity, which is greater than very low, will succumb to the overtures of the narcissist and find themselves engaged in an affair, breaking their wedding vows, breaching the trust of their partner and becoming sucked in to the world of the narcissist. If the narcissistic streak of infidelity is very strong, the empath may even have sought out (unconsciously) the narcissist.

Combine the narcissistic streak of infidelity in the Dirty Empath and a narcissist and infidelity is a given. How this pans out very much depends on the desires and wants of the narcissist. Please see the latter part of The Married Target as to how we are drawn to those who are married and are thus susceptible to our overtures. We may want the empath to become our IPPS and thus they are designated the role of Candidate IPSS as we love bomb them and lure them away from their spouse using our range of manipulations in the way that is described in ‘The Married Target’. It may be the case that both Dirty Empath and narcissist are content with an arrangement whereby the Dirty Empath is a Shelf IPSS and sees the narcissist intermittently and is treated as a friend with benefits, side person or mistress. Both parties are content with this. The narcissist gains in accordance with The Prime Aims and the Dirty Empath scratches that itch for sex outside of the marriage (coupled with the excitement that accords with it) but keeps their own relationship intact.

Sometimes the Dirty Empath becomes the Dirty Little Secret and is content with that arrangement also.

Note however that whether the Dirty Empath is a Candidate IPSS, Shelf IPSS or Dirty Little Secret, this is always at the behest and control of the narcissist. The Dirty Empath may willingly embrace the dynamic (unaware of course that they are with a narcissist and what their role is) as it fulfils the desires of the narcissistic trait of infidelity.

The issue arises however when the Dirty Empath wants to remain in the role of Shelf IPSS or DLS but the narcissist wants the empath to become the IPPS. Battle is joined to pull the Dirty Empath in the direction the narcissist requires with all of the drama, triangulation and heartache that follows. The problem for the Dirty Empath is that having allowed themselves to be governed by the narcissistic streak of infidelity they have already trampled over their partner and the narcissist knows this. In the same way you cannot get a little bit pregnant, you cannot be a little bit unfaithful, you either are not or you are.

Where the Dirty Empath has hitherto enjoyed being the Shelf IPSS or DLS, keeping this activity secret from their partner and enjoying all the other benefits of the best of both worlds, it is the narcissist who ultimately calls the tune and if he or she wants that Dirty Empath in a different role, the narcissist will strive to make it happen. If the Dirty Empath will not accord with the change of allocated role then he or she can expect their partner to be told of their infidelity and invariably the narcissist will have evidence (photos, film, documentary evidence of hotel trysts, oral testimony from Lieutenants) to use against the Dirty Empath. If the threat of release of this material does not persuade the Dirty Empath to submit to the whim of the narcissist, then it will be released. The hitherto painted white Dirty Empath will be painted black, they will be devalued prior to dis-engagement and their own existing relationship with spouse or partner will be the prime target of the narcissist for the purposes of causing its destruction and spreading misery. The need to punish the disobedient Dirty Empath and the significant fuel available (negative fuel from IPSS, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary cuckolded spouse, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary sources allied with said spouse and/or Dirty Empath, positive fuel from loyal secondary/tertiary sources to the narcissist) means that the chances of the Dirty Empath being ‘let off’ are virtually nil.

The Dirty Empath may find they can keep their own infidelity quiet for some time, remain as a DLS or Shelf IPSS and enjoy an elongated golden period with the narcissist, but they have no control over that. If it continues that way, this is purely down to the approach of the narcissist. There remains a risk that the narcissist will wish to change the dynamic and with that comes significant consequences for the playing away Dirty Empath, his or her spouse, partner and family.

Those who “give in” to their narcissistic trait (and this is usually because a narcissist has ‘sniffed out’ this Dirty Empath will eventually end up suffering.

This happens in the following circumstances :-

  1. The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist wants to promote them to Candidate IPSS and then IPPS, but the DE does not want this as this will blow open their infidelity;
  2. The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist decides to dis-engage against the will of the DE;
  3. The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, but the narcissist does not want this to happen;
  4. The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, achieves this, leaves their former spouse with all of the attendant heartache that causes and then enjoys a golden period with their newly acquired (but unrecognised) narcissist. Of course you know what is coming next don’t you? Yes, the DE IPPS is then devalued and dis-engaged from. Their narcissistic streak of infidelity has seen them lured from an otherwise satisfying relationship, drawn by the golden allure of the unrecognised narcissist only for that to collapse and now they find themselves alone, rejected and often hated by narcissist and the cuckolded spouse they once had.

The Dirty Empath with the narcissistic streak of infidelity who becomes ensnared by our kind is only heading for misery. They do not have the lack of remorse, lack of conscience or lack of guilt that allows us to drive ever forward. Instead they are left to rue the consequences of this narcissistic trait being intensified and exploited by our kind.

Further articles will follow concerning the various streaks of the Dirty Empath.

16 thoughts on “The Dirty Empath – Infidelity

  1. HA says:

    Im the DE (3rd kind) married but with a spouse who does not want any physical intimacy (had discussions he’s just not driven by sex at all) but not willing to split due to kids and life (for now). Been on/ off again with my narc (I continue to break it off when the golden period is gone) for 3 years. He sought me out – targeted me etc, still does all the narc bs devaluing etc. I know he’s a narc on some scale but never told him. Used to really drive me crazy and make me upset not so much anymore. Would honestly just prefer the sex which is great. He’s also married and neither of us is leaving our marriages. I’ve got some narcissistic traits too I think … bc I don’t always feel guilty about this affair. HG -Is it possible for a narc (him) to just have a sexual relationship and nothing more?

  2. Joa says:

    I went back to this article. I find myself in this situation partially.

    I jumped from an 11-year relationship to a relationship with “my” narcissist.
    Before I skipped over, I ended that relationship. Perfidious betrayal was out of the question. It was not me.

    “My” narcissist was very satisfied with this fact.

    And actually, I notice again that it was an exchange transaction. “My” narcissist gained power and strength, sex, me, a defeated rival. I ended a relationship from which I had been unsuccessfully trying to break free for the last 3 years – the previous narcissist was using my empathic qualities, not letting me go, even though I was suffocating. I left several times, he used my every sentiment (towards his family) to get me back.

    Hmmmm, I have to shuffle a bit internally. To finally sense the goals of “my” narcissist. Although I have the impression that they evolve with the development of the situation. I guess I know more or less what he wants, but there could be many reasons besides me that I don’t know.

    “Sometimes I don’t know what I want”, “No sex – I want to fuck” and “Time is running out” (repeated very often) – are pulsing in my head.

    What is certain is that he does not invest money for no reason. And that reason is definitely not to help me or to love my baby.

    Both sides have benefited financially.

    It creates more and more obstacles, but so far I am coping.

    I know what he’s afraid of is 100%. He is looking for a solution.

    OK, thank you again. A small step forward. Minimally changed perspective. We keep flying 🙂

  3. leelasfuelstinks says:

    I used to write: “I got away cheaply” with Mr. Wanker-Withholder MMRA Elite. On the other hand, after a while, I noticed how INHUMAN it is to do such a thing to a person. Disgusting! Can´t decide what is more disgusting: A Somatic who wants to fuck you or a misogynistic cerebral leaning Elite who withholds and treats you like wanking prop? The latter is so dehumanizing! So inhuman! Misogynistic and misanthropic! 🤮

    1. Asp Emp says:

      LFS, fkg hell, you made me laugh…..”Mr Wanker-Withholder MMRA Elite”……shit! I am trying to type but I’m laughing too much….does he win the ‘Porn Supremacy Award’ of the year?! That image in the fooking kitchen….. Laughing…… wanking prop…… FFS, that is so hilarious……I am crying with laughter…..seriously though, I know it is NOT funny…….but bloody hell, it’s the words “wanking prop”…. I truly do understand…… that Lesser made me feel like that….the MRN, fkg hell, acted as if it was an abomination….. his face when I asked him……hahahahaha……Ah, I am so thankful that I have my fingers intact……. I have had better orgasms with my own fingers than I have with these so-called “men” (Lesser and MRN)….so, indeedy, I am having the last laugh on them ‘wanking props’……Leela, we Beat The Narcissist, hands and fingers down! (smirking).

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        Cool that I could make you laugh, Asp! 😂 You know, humor is what we victims need. The abuse was serious and painful enough! Fun and humor are needed! There´s no better way to talk about those traumatic experiences than with a lot of humor. By the way he was indeed wanking in HIS kitchen but without the talc powder and the sock. 😂😂😂😂 He is definitely a candidate for Mr. Wanker 2021. 😂😂😂 Hates women, is utterly disgusted of sex, but a world class wanker! 🤣😂

        1. Asp Emp says:

          LFS…… laughing….. THAT talc & sock convo……”Mr Wanker”…. hilarious. “World class” ?! Yeah, right! 😉

  4. Asp Emp says:

    Surprise, surprise…..”Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong”. It does sound a bit like me.

    Re-reading this article with reduced ET and good LT. I am quite certain that I do not possess the “dirty streak of the narcissistic trait of infidelity” as I would not seek sexual ‘gratification’ outside any relationship that I may be involved in. I would feel too guilty to even consider it.

    Prior to coming to KTN site, I understood relatively little about ‘relationships’ (or, rather, the ‘concept’ of as such) because of the narcissistic influence and my brain-wiring and having relationships with those that cheated on me (even if it was just the one other woman). Since coming here, I have learned a lot more, from reading HG’s work and also what bloggers had to say.

    Yet, the MRN was married “not sleeping with wife, sleeping in separate rooms, was going to leave wife, no longer ‘loved’ her” etc. All this was during the ‘love-bombing’ “period”. He did do the ‘don’t go’ pity-play when he sensed that I was with-drawing from him, by my being ‘distanced’. Not surprising really, with my previous experiences of relationships and narcissistic influence. One thing that I recall at the very start of the ‘love-bombing’, he tells me that he was thinking of packing a bag and going travelling. Maybe he wanted to be ‘free’ of his ‘restraints’ to be able to seek fuel (the quality & quantity) at any time rather be ‘restricted’ by his “circumstances”? He was the one narcissist that made me feel undesirable as a woman. Wanker. Oh, he didn’t even wank (or so he said!). He is a yellow-bellied, snivelling wretch of a man. With my renewed strength and understanding, I would have said that to his face, had I known what I now know.

    And, no, my ET is not moved.

    1. leelasfuelstinks says:

      The less ET I have, the more I could just puke and puke and puke. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

      Puking in Sensei´s blog. 😂😂😂

      1. Asp Emp says:

        LFS, the less ET I have, the more clearly I can think / use my mind more effectively 🙂

        1. leelasfuelstinks says:

          Same here. Better not to look back, this means less nausea 😂

  5. Joa says:

    Ooo! My friend for 25 years! She will like the term 🙂

    I always tell her that she’s as cold as a guy in these things 🙂 As if she was turning off – just for this purpose.

  6. JB says:

    HG, could it ever occur that in the situation where the narcissist wants to make the DE the IPPS, but the DE doesn’t want this change of role, that instead of making life difficult for the DE, smearing, revealing all, etc, that the narcissist instead just discards the DE and moves on to someone else in the fuel matrix?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      More likely they will be placed on the shelf than disengaged from.

      1. JB says:

        “Most likely they will be placed on the shelf than disengaged from” – How would one know the difference though, HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          See the article about shelving and disengagement.

          1. JB says:

            Will do. Thanks HG!

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