(If you have not read Part I – you may do so here )
Part I explained the dynamic that is applicable (nearly always) to the healthy dynamic between those operating with emotional empathy with regard to friendships, past romantic relationships, colleagues and family members. This enabled you to discern the difference between that healthy interchange and that where a narcissist is involved. It explained what you can expect from those dynamics and how they manifest with regard to continuation and where there has been a hiatus in that particular relationship. I also explained some of the warning signs which present when someone reappears after a prolonged absence and what aspects of the narcissistic dynamic were represented.
In this second part, I examine the situation where a confirmed narcissist hoovers you by the application of The Blast from the Past Hoover so you understand firstly why was there a hiatus in the first place which has occasioned the necessity of The Blast from the Past and secondly what causes this hoover.
Why does this type of hoover happen?
As an appliance in the fuel matrix you remain in our fuel matrix (from our perspective) until either you die or we die. It is a permanent position. Even if you escape by applying my work, we still regard you as belonging to us. For the majority of narcissists (Lesser or Mid-Range) this belief is held in the unconscious. For the rarer Greater narcissists, this belief is conscious. The fact that you, from our perspective, belong to us means that we have the inalienable right to draw on you for The Prime Aims .
This right is permanent although it does not mean that we will exercise it every minute of every day. This perspective and right means that there is the potential for you to be hoovered at any given time. This results in the prospect that even though you have not heard from the narcissist for years, a hoover suddenly occurs and this is The Blast from the Past Hoover.
There are two aspects behind why does this type of hoover happen. The first is, why has there been a hiatus? Why is it that you have NOT been hoovered for some time? The second is, why, after this hiatus, has the narcissist appeared out of the blue? What made the narcissist hoover you NOW?
Why has there been a hiatus in the hoovering?
It is possible but highly unlikely that there has not been a Hoover Trigger. If there is no Hoover Trigger, then no hoover will happen. Hoover Triggers occur when you enter the narcissists spheres of influence and broadly occur in two categories (which are further sub-divided), namely :-
- You caused the Hoover Trigger , or
- Something else caused the Hoover Trigger.
You cause the Hoover Trigger by texting the narcissist, telephoning the narcissist, sending a friend to speak to the narcissist on your behalf, sending someone to collect your property, sending a letter demanding repayment of monies owed, going to see the narcissist, walking past where the narcissist works so he sees you, parking by his house so she sees you and actions of a similar nature. It is your action which in effect prods the narcissist into noticing you in some way. If you have a Total No Contact Regime you will not cause the Hoover Trigger.
With regard to something else causing the Hoover Trigger, this is where the narcissist is reminded of you (someone mentions you, he smells a fragrance which causes him to be reminded of you, she hears a song which reminds her of you, there is an anniversary or similar) or where the narcissist just happens to think of you by reason of a random, intrusive thought. There is nothing you can do to prevent these Hoover Triggers which means there is ALWAYS a risk of a hoover for you.
It is possible, albeit extremely unlikely, that you have implemented a Total No Contact Regime AND nothing else has provoked a Hoover Trigger. Thus, you have done nothing to cause the Hoover Trigger and nothing else has caused a Hoover Trigger so, for let us say 10 years, the narcissist has never experienced a Hoover Trigger with regard to you and thus if there is no Hoover Trigger it follows that there cannot be a hoover and that is why there has been the hiatus. This is theoretically possible but extremely unlikely because usually you will, owing to not understand how Total No Contact works (an honest, yet frequent mistake) you cause that Hoover Trigger and/or something else causes the Hoover Trigger anyway.
It is far more likely that there has been a hiatus in the hoovering because either
- When there has been a Hoover Trigger, the Hoover Execution Criteria were not met so the narcissist did not hoover you , or
- When there has been a Hoover Trigger, the HEC were met BUT the hoover could not be executed for some reason (for instance a solid no contact regime).
There has been a Hoover Trigger and therefore you came on the narcissists radar and the narcissism then dictated control had to be asserted over you. However, the HEC were not met to deploy the First Assertion of Control (the direct hoover) OR the First Assertion of Control (the direct hoover) failed so the narcissism shifted from the First Assertion of Control (the direct hoover) to the Second or Third Assertion of Control (you must read The 3 Assertions of Control if you wish to understand narcissism.
Basically the narcissist either could not directly hoover you or the narcissism determined (unconsciously) that a direct hoover was too difficult/unlikely to succeed/was too risky and therefore no hoover occurred. Control will have been asserted by the Second or Third Assertion of control (because we must always achieve control one way or another) and the balance of the Prime Aims (fuel, character traits and/or residual benefits) would be obtained from other people in the fuel matrix. In essence, our needs for The Prime Aims could not be fulfilled directly with you, so we fulfilled them in an alternative fashion and from other appliances in the fuel matrix. The result for you was no hoovering and possibly the false sense of security (aided and abetted by the enemy that is emotional thinking) that we had gone for good.
How might that work in practice? Let us take the example whereby you are the Former IPPS and the narcissist has disengaged from you. The reason for the disengagement was that the narcissist promoted someone he was having an affair with to become your replacement as the IPPS. The narcissist does not embark on a malice campaign and wants nothing more to do with you because you are painted black, you are deemed as a broken and untrustworthy appliance and the narcissist has his new shiny appliance. The golden period is in full effect and because you have engaged my expertise you have implemented a no contact regime and you are resisting Kicking the Hornet´s Nest.
You are not causing any Hoover Triggers but of course this does not mean that they cannot happen. The narcissist is reminded of you one day by reason of seeing a car advertised on television which reminds him of your car and thus you. There is a Hoover Trigger. The narcissism, in his unconscious mind then determines whether you, the Former IPPS are under control. The narcissist has not engaged with you for seven months and therefore does not know if you are under control, therefore it must be assumed you are not under the control of the narcissist. This is not acceptable as all appliances must be under control. The narcissism looks to assert control over you and will always start with the First Assertion of Control which is the direct assertion, which includes a hoover. The narcissism then determines if the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. Essentially, the fact that the narcissist is in a new golden period with the new IPPS means that (absent some other significant factors) the narcissism will determine that the HEC for a direct hoover will not be met, primarily because if the narcissist starts contacting the Former IPPS during the golden period this is likely to destabilise control over the incumbent IPPS. Remember, the narcissism is a self defence mechanism and will not seek to adversely affect control over the very important IPPS. The HEC is not met, no hoover happens and you as the Former IPPS do not receive a hoover. The narcissist will assert control by either the Second or Third Assertion of control and any need for fuel etc will not be met from you, but from the IPPS and/or other appliances in the fuel matrix.
This state of affairs persists so you do not cause any Hoover Triggers and the ones you have no control over, never result in hoovers because each time (chiefly owing to the existence. of the golden period with the new IPPS) the HEC are never achieved. You remain hoover free.
The golden period of course reaches it end and along comes devaluation. The “protecting” element of the new IPPS in the golden period has gone and with it comes the increased likelihood of the HEC being met and thus you receiving a direct hoover. However, by this time, you have really got a grip on your emotional thinking, owing to my work and your endeavours, and your no contact regime is solid. You still do. not cause a Hoover Trigger, but they are caused by other factors and this time the HEC are achieved so the narcissist tries to call you. You have changed your number so he gets number unobtainable. The hoover fails, the narcissist is wounded and best of all you know nothing about it so there is no visit from the Devil´s Pitchfork.
The narcissist tries to contact you on social media. You are no longer on it. Hoover fails.
The narcissist calls around at your house but you do not open the door. The hoover fails.
Over time, the effect of repeated wounding means that the HEC are not being met (even though the IPPS remains in devaluation) so the narcissist attempts to hoover you less and less, even though other factors still keep causing those Hoover Triggers. Moreover, the narcissist has seduced a fresh new IPSS and it is easier for him to hoover this person (taking them off the shelf) rather than keep trying to hoover you as the Former IPPS. The result is that as the months turn to years, you are not hoovered (or where you are, you know nothing about it because your no contact regime is so good).
This is how the hiatus occurs.
Essentially, the hiatus occurs because of reduced Hoover Triggers and either the HEC not being met or where it is, the hoover fails. There are lots of different factors which can result in this outcome and this includes
The narcissist focusing on an IPSS very quickly rather than bothering with the Former IPPS
The narcissist finding an excellent IPSS very quickly so that they become the new IPPS quickly meaning a new golden period with the second IPPS after you
The execution of the hoovers is affected by severe factors such as ill health, lack of information as to how to contact you or your whereabouts
The execution of hoovers is adversely affected by imprisonment or a restraining order
The narcissist is able to in effect replace you, say if you are a NISS (friend, family member or colleague) with another NISS, so the necessity of a direct hoover against you becomes unnecessary
The execution of hoovers is adversely affected by proximity (you or the narcissist move a long way away from one another so that physical hoovers become impossible or very difficult) and electronic hoovers are prevented or extremely difficult
You caused such extensive wounding that the narcissist is not moved to hoover you for an extended period and once that wound heals, the narcissist is focussed elsewhere (low hanging fruit) or you have put yourself noticeable beyond reach.
You entered a permanent relationship which the narcissism was not confident of challenging (usually lower echelon narcissists)
These are just a few reasons that contribute to the hiatus and there are many others.
Accordingly, this is why the hiatus occurs. There will be those of you who have never experienced the hiatus because there have been many Hoover Triggers and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met and your No Contact Regime has proven too easy to surmount, thus you end up with frequent hoovers. You may have been pulled back into the relationship with the narcissist and become the IPPS again, or where you are an IPSS, DLS or NISS you are taken off the shelf easily enough. It might be there is a lull of weeks or months but then the hoovers start up again (for the reasons explained above) and thus no hiatus ever occurs. However, for some of you, you will have experienced a hiatus with the narcissist, whether it is a romantic, social, work or familial dynamic.
What causes the Blast from the Past Hoover?
The answer to this is, the same as any hoover. There has been a Hoover Trigger and the HEC are met, thus you receive a direct hoover.
Naturally, you will ask, yes but why NOW? Why has The Blast from the Past Hoover happened now when there has been (an apparent) lack of hoovering for years?
The reason is that something has shifted. It will not be the Hoover Trigger because in all likelihood these will have been going on anyway caused by factors other than you. It might be that more Hoover Triggers are occurring, for instance certain events have occurred so the narcissist is thinking of you more often and/or you have suddenly done something so that you are now kicking the hornet´s nest and you are appearing in more of the narcissist´s spheres of influence resulting in an increased risk of the HEC being met. Think of it this way, previously only one or two bullets have been fired towards you meaning you have a good chance of dodging them. Now, scores of bullets are coming your way meaning one or more are more likely to hit you. Whilst increased Hoover Triggers are relevant, the essential reason why this hoover has been deployed is because something has changed meaning that the HEC have been met and thus the narcissist has hoovered you.
Do understand the narcissist has not suddenly thought “Do you know what, I have not hoovered Jessica in ten years, I think she is due a jolly good hoovering.” Instead, you have entered the narcissists sphere or spheres of influence owing to the Hoover Trigger(s) and the HEC have altered meaning that they have now been met and thus the hoover occurs.
The Blast from the Past Hoover happens because for the reasons explained above there is a hiatus and then there is a shift in the relevant factor or factors in the HEC, so that the hiatus ends and you are hoovered. The period of years where you heard nothing from the narcissist abruptly comes to an end and the hoover that you subsequently receive and know about is The Blast from the Past Hoover.
What might some of those shifting factors be?
- The end of an intimate relationship especially where the appliance has escaped and the Initial Grand Hoover has failed
- A death in the family leading to the loss of a particular NISS appliance, shifting the emphasis back on to you as the once disengaged or long term shelved NISS
- The death of a friend or colleague NISS appliance, shifting the emphasis back on to you as the once disengaged or long term shelved NISS
- Information coming into the hands of the narcissist as to your whereabouts and/or a means of contacting you. The rise of social media and the internet (think Friends Reunited, Facebook, Twitter) caused many a hiatus to end and prompted a tsunami of The Blast from the Past Hoovers.
- Complacency on the part of the victim so you lower your no contact regime
- The victim rising in prominence some way so your existence and whereabouts becomes more widely reported
- A school or work reunion results in the narcissist being invited and a route to the social or work victim opens up again
- A family reunion results in the narcissist being invited and a route to the familial victim opens up again
- The narcissists resources significantly alter allowing the narcissist to increase the efforts to locate the relevant victim
- The victim experiencing a rise in emotional thinking resulting in the victim dismantling the no contact regime and/or contacting the narcissist
- The victim deciding to contact the narcissist after not doing so for a long time, perhaps to inform the narcissist of bereavement or to offer condolences
- The reporting of an event in the victim’s life which puts information in the hands of the narcissist, an engagement announcement, a wedding etc
- A third party inadvertently conveying contact details to the narcissist “You haven’t heard from Brenda for years? I work with her you know. Yes she joined last month, do you want her mobile number?”
These are just some examples and there are many others. These factors either
- Create a shift in the HEC so the narcissist is compelled to hoover whereas before such compulsion had gone , or
- The HEC were being achieved but the hoover failed , but the shift now allows the hoovers to be successful.
Accordingly, The Blast from the Past Hoover occurs because there has been a hiatus of several years (minimum) and then there is change which is sufficient to cause the hoovers to be effected directly and they are now able to get through.
Part 3 will examine what does the narcissist want from this type of hoover, what is the narcissist thinking when he or she executes this hoover and what are the different forms by which this hoover can manifest so you know what to look for.