Consent is not a matter which preys on the mind of our kind much at all. This is driven by the following factors: –
- Our sense of entitlement. We do as we please, how we please, when we please and with whom we please. We are access all areas;
- Our inability to recognise and respect boundaries. This links with our sense of entitlement whereby nobody is off limits to us. Somebody is in a relationship? So what, they are fair game to us. That seat is taken. Yes, it is, by us. That drink was meant for somebody else? Tough. We invade personal space, take things which are not ours, commandeer other people’s resources and act as if we own the place because in our minds, we do.
- You are part of us. You are subsumed within us, attached to us and since you are a part of us, why on earth do we need to ask ourselves for permission to do something? That is nonsensical from our perspective.
- We are unaccountable. Even if we actually thought that we might need consent it does not matter because the consequence arising from failing to obtain consent to do something will not apply to us. We are able to escape blame, evade liability and shirk culpability.
- Our sense of superiority. Consent is a chain. It restricts and hinders. We are the behemoth that strides ever forward and as such consent does not apply to a titan like us. Consent is what the little people have to obtained.
This attitude to consent means that we behave like a marauding invader. Everything is up for grabs. How might this manifest?
With the Lesser it is blatant and obvious. He will tell you that he is moving in with you and turn up with his suitcase and guitar (with broken string) and smile as he breezes past you into the house. Your resources are taken – money, food, energy – without any explanation offered. Your friends are seized either to be shoved to one aside and told what the Lesser really thinks of them, or flirted with and identified for triangulation potential. The Lesser will invite him round without asking, use your car without checking first (and not replace the petrol that is used). He will readily incur credit on your behalf. If you challenge him about this failure to seek and obtain consent all he will hear is that you are criticising him. He will rarely bother to even think of an excuse for his actions. He does not need to explain himself to you. If he does decide to respond the explanation is usually obviously incredible but this does not matter to him because he can do as he pleases and you need to get with the program.
“We share everything in this house.”
“What’s yours is mine.”
“I can’t believe you are making such a fuss.”
“No I didn’t use it.”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Somebody else must have taken it.”
He can do this because he is who he is and you had better quit you complaining out you will get what is coming to you and then some. Your person fairs no better. You will be groped in public, he will get up in your face during arguments, assault you, rape you, expect you to look the way he wants you too without any consideration for whether you wanted his name tattooed on your neck or whether short hair actually suits you. He is entitled. Full stop.
The Mid-Range is less brutish and obvious in his sequestrating behaviour but is no less invasive. Where he differs from the Lesser is that he has enough control not to fly off the handle when challenged about the fact that he used the housekeeping for beer or used up all the hot water without putting the immersion heater on. Instead, the Mid-Range will offer an explanation, even an apology (although it is not meant) in order to ensure that consent is retrospectively given.
“I thought I had already asked you.”
“I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I will remember next time.”
“It was an emergency and I did not have time. Don’t be angry with me.”
“I will replace it tomorrow (that won’t happen) let’s not fall out now, I have something good to tell you.”
“I meant to get another one, I just plain forgot because I was busy running around after you.”
“I was hungry; you don’t begrudge me having something to eat do you?”
The Mid-Range will con you into granting consent so that he can file this away and use it for next time.
“But you didn’t mind last time.”
“Last time you said it was okay.”
“You said nothing when I did it last time, so how am I to know you don’t agree now? I am not a mind-reader.”
The Mid-Range will especially engage in making you feel sorry for him so you grant the consent retrospectively, he will make you feel guilty for objecting and make you seem like a spoilsport if you do not go along with what he wants.
What about the Greater? As you would expect there is none of the out and out grabbing of the Lesser as the Greater finds such behaviour vulgar. Nor would he engage in the pitiful mewling of the Mid-Range, that is ignoble and beneath the Greater. Of course the Greater has just as great, if not greater expectations that he can do as he pleases however his increased cognitive ability and awareness means that if need be, he will just plough on regardless and do as he pleases but he recognises the value in actually obtaining consent. Indeed, the extraction of this consent from a seemingly unwilling victim is a challenge the Greater relishes as it draws fuel, underlines his power and emphasises his superiority. You can expect the Greater to use emotional blackmail, bribery and coercion to extract the consent.
“If you agree to do it, I will take you somewhere good for dinner.”
“If you don’t do it, I will leave you.”
“If you refuse I just might have to publish those pictures I have of you.”
“I never thought of your as boring, everybody else does it you know?”
“My ex would do it without question. Maybe I made a mistake leaving her for you?”
The Greater applies pressure, immense pressure in order to extract this consent so that the reality is that consent was never properly given, but that is not going to stop the Greater. Once you nod, say you agree, mutter “okay then”, consent has been delivered and he will plough on with whatever it is that he wants to do. Do not think you can change your mind. In the world of the Greater, you cannot withdraw consent once given and it holds good for the rest of the relationship. It is not applicable as a one off.
The Greater also will apply plausible deniability to any situation where consent becomes an issue, so that if he is challenged by a third party with regard to the issue of consent, for example, taking somebody’s vehicle or using their money, he will use a combination of charm and out and out lies in order to damage the victim’s version of events and make it appear that consent was provided. The scheming intelligence of the Greater combined with the traits mentioned at the outset of this piece enable him to behave with impunity with regard to the issue of consent.
32 thoughts on “Consent”
@ Leigh, don’t beat yourself up. Everything will fall into place slowly. The kids will eventually grow and move on their merry way .Try and think about your happiness for now . It is ok to be selfish every once in awhile and this the time to do it .
Honestly, I really don’t want to bring my kids with me, especially the narcissistic daughter. I’m only looking at 1 bedroom or studio apartments. Every once in awhile I feel a twinge of guilt. I know it’s my emotional thinking trying to con me. They are adults now. They have both started their careers. Forget about them flying the nest. Its time for mama bird to fly the nest.
Oh Leigh, I wish you were at my place so we can have a long chat. My older kids decided to live with their dad. I have my little one that goes back and forth. I have been in your shoes and know how you feel. I have raised them. Now it is time to really focus on your needs and what you want in your life .Enough toxicity right? Enough!! You deserve better!
I am still healing over my divorce and it wasn’t easy after 24 years,but I am doing it. So will you ! It was hard in the beginning, but when you start to pack you bags it will be a sign of relief. Walking out that door was the best thing I did in my whole entire life! I wish I would have done it sooner. Sending you my love 💓
Hi Leigh, it seems you’ve answered your own question. 😃
Eternity, it is good to read this comment 🙂
Thank you Asp Emp, always a pleasure to read all of your comments too! You are awesome!
Eternity, thank you so much 🙂 You’re awesome too 🙂
Awwwww, I don’t think so but thank you
Trust me, Eternity, you’re a good lass 🙂
Eternity, Asp Emp is right, you are awesome! So is she!
Thank you AV 🙂 You are too AV 🙂
This one just makes me angry. And feel like calling them a few choice names.
Hu AV, I saw your post on Spanked. Are you ok?
Hi Leigh, thank you for asking. I’m fine. Just left with an unfinished feeling Fri, that always makes me frustrated, and this article just makes me angry at them. They’re so confident and they just take. I remember so vividly how my ex just moved into my space and took over. I tried to resist in some areas but was unsuccessful. It makes me angry to even remember it.
How are you doing?
I’m doing much better. I got the “How to Handle a Parental Narcissist” this past weekend and started listening to it. That first part hit me like a ton of bricks. I was out for my walk and started crying. Thank goodness I had a tissue on me because my allergies were bothering me. I’m trying to adapt to the news of my daughter. I know that no contact is the best way to go but how do I do that with my daughter? If I turn my back on my daughter, then aren’t I just like my parents? Sometimes I wish I was like them. Then I wouldn’t care and I could vanish just like a ghost. Poof, gone!
I know, I had the same reaction, I am so sorry, it is very difficult to hear. The first part was difficult in the sense of not having had that, but also encouraging that it is possible to heal from not having it.
I agree that NC is the best but I think we all have to decide for ourselves if we do that or ANC or something different. I was encouraged by the steps for doing ANC, it for me is a mid-way point until my mother is gone. Or I am, whichever comes first. For you, it might be a good starting point, maybe less traumatic than thinking NC right off the bat, but follow the steps well, they will help you to really know what you need in the end.
I think that your concerns about begin like your parents are not ones you can worry about now, just get the ANC going once you move out and see what happens, it’s a limited time to begin with, take it a day at a time and you will feel better as you go along. It will allow your LT to come out and give you clarity for the future and what is best to do. It is shocking how quickly and effectively the LT starts working again, to the point for me with TTU that I can immediately see when she’s doing her narc behaviors, which with her is pretty much all the time. But being able to identify them and what they are is a huge help in making my choices about how to deal with her. Just tell yourself, if you find you’re panicking about not seeing your daughter, that it is only for a limited time frame, then you get to choose! That’s the beauty of it!! We have the power then!
I can immediately see the narc behaviors now too. That’s how I knew my daughter was a narc. Everything that comes out of the narcs mouth is a manipulation. Even if its benign, its a manipulation. That’s the only way I can look at it, otherwise my ET will start conning me again. I had a downslide because of the news of my daughter. I’m sure I’ll have other downslides too. That’s why I love it here. I get kicked back into reality.
I do like the idea of ANC. I’m already doing that with the parental narcissist. My daughter may be a bit harder. I’ll get there though. Slow and steady wins the race.
Isn’t one of your daughters in a relationship with a narcissist? How’s she doing?
Hi Leigh, something odd happened, I responded to your comment but it went over to The Empathic Supernova thread when I sent it. Not sure why, it was very strange. But, it is there at the end of that thread, I think. It will look like I wrote it randomly, haha!
AV, WordPress is crazy. I didn’t even get the notification for this or the comment on Empathic Supernova. Im going to respond here because the thread on Empathic Supernova is getting long too.
About your daughter, I know what you mean about being in denial. It is easier. I often think that if someone told me 3 years ago that every thing that I thought was real was actually a delusion, I never would have believed it.
Give her time, it took me two years to see that my parents were narcissist and 2.5 years to see it in my husband. She’ll get there and when she does shell have her Momma there to help her.
Hi Leigh, I agree, I would not have considered thinking as I do today about my parents or my exes a year ago, before the summer narc. It’s hard to believe it has been a year and so much has happened! And for you also! I might have actually believed this about my son in law, sadly, he’s very obvious, to our family. It’s like he dares us to confront him and when we don’t, he gains power. Yes, she already sees it, I know that she is concerned. Before they had children she talked of divorcing him on multiple occasions. Now though, not so easy. At least until she sees it toward one of the boys, maybe then. Hopefully then.
AV, just continue to tell her that you will be there for her should she decide to leave. My biggest obstacle is not having somewhere to go. If I had somewhere to go, I’d leave right this very minute. How long have they been together? How old are her children?
Leigh, she knows she always has a place here, I would make room for all of my children and their families if the need arose. I, or rather my mother, have/has a large house and for this very purpose I want to keep it until I feel there is no longer a possible need where my children are concerned. If 3 marry better than the first, there will be less need as time goes on. The second has already married better, I have little to no concern for her regarding her marriage/family. The 3rd is the daughter that did the EDC, she is growing in wisdom by leaps and bounds as a result, seeing indicators of narcissistic behavior in people (she has many narcs around her I believe, I have seen it for years, long before arriving here, just didn’t have a name for them), working to assess it in regard to what she knows of the person as a whole, and then making decisions on her interactions based from that. The youngest just left for work, suppose to be there right now, oh boy, there is always room for improvement. But back to the oldest, they have been married 11 years this month and dated for a couple prior to that. Her children are 7 months and 3 years, both boys.
How are you doing with regard to your daughter? Will she continue to live with your husband once you go? Or do you think your children will leave then also? Do you have plans for any of them to move with you? I suppose that would make it difficult to keep lines clear regarding the narcissists. I continue to be impressed by your strength, learning of your daughter’s narcissism seems to have added to your resolve. I hope day to day it is getting easier to accept that. You are one strong lady, for what you’ve endured and for what you are facing and going forward with. Hugs.
Hi AV, I’m so torn. Part of me doesn’t want to take either of my children with me. I just want to escape everyone. I definitely don’t want to take the narcissistic daughter. I think she’s more malignant than my husband.
I don’t blame you for wanting to keep your parents house. Its smart. Thats a huge asset. My mother’s home was in my grandmother’s name. When my grandmother died she left everything to my uncle (my mom’s brother), including my mother’s house. My mom was already in a nursing home because she couldn’t take care of herself anymore. So my uncle sold it and gave me and my brothers, nothing.
I was thinking about the conversation on the other thread about leniency. I was too lenient on my daughter. She cried a lot and I gave in to easily. I didn’t want to see her sad. I was neglected as a child and I went the complete opposite with her. I gave her too much. In doing so, I helped create the narcissist.
Thank you for your kind words. You’ve had one hell of a life too. It must be incredibly hard for you to be able to see whats going on and not be able to stop it. How do you stop the oncoming train and the aftermath that ensues?
Leigh, if you really feel that you are torn as to whether take your daughters or not, then maybe consider it another way. What if you meet someone later ie a year or so – do you really want to have adult daughters living with you, sharing the space with a new partner? What if your daughters meet someone too?
I left home when I was 22 and I learned to manage, rather than continue to stay where I was (it was partly an ‘assisted’ decision on the part of my boss at the time).
You can always meet with your daughters and offer advice etc. You have done your best with your daughters. It is your turn now. There is no need for guilt in that. Living on your own for a bit will give you space to think and find ‘yourself’ again. You can still have a relationship with your daughters as well. Maybe this way, you have more ‘choices’?
Asp, you are 100% correct. I responded to Eternity’s post above. I want my own space. Something that’s only mine.
Leigh, I am glad you have decided and are putting yourself first 🙂
Thank you Asp!
AV, I just wanted to clarify my last comment. I was trying to say that it must be incredibly hard for you to see whats happening with your daughter and not being able to do anything to stop it. Its like knowing that the train is going to crash and is going to do damage and you can’t do anything about it.
No worries Leigh, I understood. I am just prepared to inform as she asks and assist when/if she requests.
If I may put in two cents regarding your daughters, the fact that they are adults, I would plan without them, for yourself. They can let you know if they want to join you, then you have the opportunity to lay the groundswork for how that will happen, you keep control of it. They know you love them, that us the most important thing.
AV, you can always put your two cents in. I enjoy our conversations and appreciate your advice and guidance. Yes, the plan is to leave on my own. I know its what needs to be done.
Haha, just found this! Yes, WP issues!! Thank you Leigh, I feel the same! and I’m so glad to see the word plan! That’s exciting!
Hi AV, I saw a comment on Lonely that you had a new grand baby. Congratulations! Thats very exciting!
I’ve been super busy at work and I haven’t been on the blog as much lately. I tried to catch up this weekend but I missed too much to catch up. Im so far behind on the videos on Harry’s Wife too.
I saw your comment about being concerned about me and I wanted to make sure I reached out. Thank you for thinking about me. Im good. Just busy and tired. I actually spent the day on the couch today. Lol!