Never Mirror the Narcissist

 

NEVER MIRROR THE NARCISSIST

It is often stated that you should mirror the narcissist.

That is wrong. Such an act is contrary to your interests.

Those who make such a suggestion are wrong and evidencing their lack of understanding about our kind.

Why should you never mirror us? Let’s examine some examples.

Take for example word salad. If we engage in a word salad whereby you cannot follow the logic of what we are saying, we are doing this because it enables us to draw fuel from your frustrated, hurt and annoyed responses. You are a truth seeker and therefore, not knowing what we are, you continue to try to break through this word salad and get us to make sense, get us to see sense and toss the salad aside. We do not. We continue with it as it is gaining fuel for us and ensuring that we are rejecting the relevant (perceived) attack against us so that our superiority is maintained. The chief components of our manipulations are either

  1. Gain Pure Fuel – this is where there is no challenge or wounding;
  2. Gain fuel and assert our superiority – this in instances where you are providing us with challenge fuel. We are not wounded BUT you are challenging our superiority in some way and therefore we must respond in a way which makes you back down and enables us to assert our superiority once again;
  3. Gain fuel because you have wounded us, so this fuel heals the wound.

Accordingly, in a particular interaction with you we have utilised the manipulation that is a word salad. You decide to mirror us and respond with a word salad of your own.  Let us assume that you manage to do this without providing us any fuel with it – difficult, but you may be able to achieve it. These are the consequences.

  1. You will wound us. This is because you are not providing us with any fuel and you are noticeably mirroring us which we will perceive as you mocking us. This will wound us. You may think ‘that’s good, so why not do it?’  – the following points explain why you ought not to.
  2. This will cause an ignition of fury, most likely with the Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist and possibly with the Greater also. We may well have been using the word salad manipulation in the context of a Challenge Fuel situation. There was no ignition of fury then. There is now.
  3. The ignition of fury will result in a different manipulation being used against you. You have nullified the word salad but all we do is shift to a different manipulation.
  4. The ignition of fury will mean that this alternative manipulation will be an escalation. Given the circumstances this means that you are increasing your risk of violence being used against your person or your property. All schools of narcissist may well apply that against you in that moment. The Greater may control the fury so that you are punished at a later juncture, when you are least expecting this to happen and this will occur with malice. You have just increased the pain that will follow.
  5. You have signalled to the narcissist that you are trying to manipulate the narcissist. Predictably enough, this will not sit well with us. This will mean that we will now increase our efforts to exert control over you. Since you are in devaluation already, this devaluation will continue and will be increased to ensure that you are ‘brought to heel’.
  6. Your use of word salad will be used against you – we will bring it up against you in future instances to demonstrate that you do not know what you are talking about, we will tell other people about this behaviour and smear you in that regard, we may well use it as evidence with regard to some form of manipulation against you.
  7. The Greater Narcissist will realise that you are ‘on to us’ and therefore a careful mental note will be made about that fact. This means that alternative methods of manipulation will be used against you and you will be punished for your  behaviour. You have also tipped us off.
  8. You will not be in a position to keep the mirroring up for long without providing us with fuel. Although you have wounded us, when you start providing us with fuel again, this will address the wound that you have created, thus the mirroring has proven pointless and you have also risked the points raised above. It is very hard for a person to stop themselves from giving us fuel when there is a face to face interaction. You have to control what you say, how you say it, your body language, the look in your eyes and your facial expressions. That is difficult and often you do certain things unconsciously that will provide us with fuel. Accordingly, you cannot go for long in a face to face situation without providing us with fuel.
  9. You are hampered by the fact that you are honest, decent and usually consistent in your behaviours. Compare this with our kind where we operate with no sense of remorse, no guilt and no conscience. Guilt will start to creep in to what you are doing, pity, disgust with yourself for dropping to our level and so forth and this will have an adverse impact on you and your ability to mirror us.

What about other instances of mirroring us?

If we are shouting at you and you do the same back to us, all you are doing is provide us with fuel and that suits us perfectly well. Further, we can use your fierce temper against you, for instance by suddenly switching so that we wish to shield the children from mummy’s nasty temper. This shift in manipulation to triangulation is likely to catch you off-guard so that you feel guilty for doing this, feeling a need to explain the truth to the children about what has happened and then being pinned down by your honesty and decency because you do not want to drag the children into it. We do not care if we do, needs must.

If you try to triangulate us with someone else, we see through it. We will then use that as evidence of you being flirtatious, that you are having an affair, that you are selfish and self-absorbed. We will use this to smear you, attack you with an alternative manipulation  – for instance the Lesser Narcissist may well beat you up on the basis of your wounding behaviour. The Mid Range Narcissist may also physically attack you or will go around delivering Pity Plays as he talks about the fact you behaved like a slut at the party.

If you try to engage in blame-shifting, this will not work because this just amounts to a further attack against us and therefore by repeatedly trying to place the blame at our door you will either be wounding us or issuing challenge fuel. We are configured never to accept blame (unless there is a clear benefit in doing so) and therefore our narcissism will just defend us against this in the usual fashion, accordingly the mirroring will be ineffective.

There is one slight exception to this rule against mirroring us and this relates to absent silent treatments. If you mirror our behaviour by ignoring us also because you want to cause us to get in contact with you and stop the silent treatment then all you need to do is ignore us also. You do of course run the risk of being subjected to an alternative manipulation, however the difference is that with the absent silent treatment we will not be with you when we are wounded by you failing to respond to the silent treatment. Accordingly, we are more likely to seek fuel from a different appliance and then contact you thereafter and our fury will no longer be ignited. Of course, you may want the relative calm of an absent silent treatment and if that is the case then you ought not to mirror and instead provide some messages which would provide fuel. This will maintain the absent silent treatment.

With each manipulation, if you try to mirror it, it will backfire against you because we will see through it (and dependent on the school of narcissist this will always happen, it just depends how quickly this will occur) and there will be the consequences that I have described above. This mirroring is not in your best interests. Even if you think you will achieve some kind of victory by wounding us, it will only result in a bad outcome for you thereafter because we are different creatures.

Instead of mirroring our manipulations you ought to focus on

  1. Establishing and maintaining no contact;
  2. Being able to recognise the various manipulations that we deploy;
  3. Your increased knowledge will reduce the impact of the manipulation on you;
  4. Following the methods set out in ‘Escape’ which will enable you to deal with these manipulations in a way which will benefit you and not cause you additional problems which occur if you mirror us.

Do not mirror us. Your mirror will shatter first.

 

22 thoughts on “Never Mirror the Narcissist

  1. Alexissmith2016 says:

    And carefully used to my advantage the need for them to feel as if they’re in control and boom! Works perfectly. Embarrassment all gone

    1. Joa says:

      Giving a sense of control and superiority, if you want to achieve your goals, is essential. At the same time, you must remember, that you cannot lower your value; the higher it is, the greater the satisfaction of the other party will be. It is also not possible to give steadily and limitlessly. There must be jerks, stumbles… and victories – of varying degrees of taste.

      —————–

      Last week at work, I saw the glow of one N. eyes (whom I had estimated a few years ago as a future leader, I’m sure). He almost “ate” me, I worked so beautifully “under his fingers”. Even better, much better, with surprising speed and passion (I work best and have the best ideas when I’m under pressure). It is also part of my long term plan.

      However, I must admit, that these “eyes” made an impression on me. Again 🙂 He looked like “my N” in the golden period and bragged about me in front of everyone (although for now we occupy equal positions). I think, I like to be owned, but only who I choose, ha ha ha 🙂

      But take it easy. In this case, it’s only the work that counts. And I realize, that I’m only useful, when I fulfill my function.
      Barometer.
      Mood improver.
      Scourer.
      Confirmator or modifier.
      Admiration (real!).
      Emergency exit.

      I know perfectly well, what I am for. And a few other smaller features. If you can’t alone, because you don’t have (…), do it differently.

      Life among N., taught me.

      There is no escape. You choose the best path.

      —————–

      Good luck Alex! We are not as helpless as it seems 🙂

  2. Alexissmith2016 says:

    Oh fuckinghell I need to write this down and put it behind me.

    I mirrored a lesser today I think he was a lesser but had some mid-range qualities. Is it possible for a mid range to be poorly educated HG?

    Anyway, I never mirror their poor behaviour because well if nothing else it’s just really twatty. But today I did, just thinking well they’re not super intelligent I don’t know them in any meaningful capacity and they don’t know anyone I know. So my inhibitions were very low.

    I just feel cringeworthy like a twonk! I’ve never behaved like this well not since I was about 4. Yet Ns do all the time snd they feel no embarrassment.

    What does HG say? Think about it once, move on. Okay got it. It’s done

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes a Mid Range Narcissist can be poorly educated.

      1. A Victor says:

        Being poorly educated is not the same as being unintelligent though.

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Hahha you’re right AV it’s not and I guess I was trying to be tactful. Okay can they be unintelligent HG?

          I’m going to make a guess at yes still because mainly because HG is so busy these days he doesn’t always spend the time in us we deserve hahah I know a fair few who seek to fit this criteria. Definitely narcs and I’m pretty sure unintelligent mid range.

          Whilst sharing random thoughts, I’ve also noticed a lot of people whom are definitely Ns because they use STs and other manipulations who do actually have rather a strong streak of ASD. And often people will mistakenly comment that they think they are. When actually someone with ASD is not capable of being manipulative. Usually those who are either cerebral or elite but with a slightly stronger cerebral disposition.

          1. A Victor says:

            I only added that because my ex, MMRA, was both undereducated and not too intelligent, in some ways. He is an excellent narcissist though, haha!

      2. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Ahhhh thank you so much for your answer HG

      3. k mac says:

        There is nothing worse then a mid ranger in my mind.

        1. A Victor says:

          I agree. They are so difficult to pick out, at least the middle mid range. But all the mid rangers are horrible in their own way.

  3. Joa says:

    There is no copying. Techniques similar, but used in a completely different way. Certainly not that aggressive. More long term.

    But yes, I agree – there is one serious drawback:

    Pity.

    It sneaks in unexpectedly. I have learned to control my reproaches towards narcissists.

    But pity, especially to “my” narcissist, is the worst to control.

    Even now, as I write this, I immediately begin to hesitate…

    1. A Victor says:

      Joa, you have hit on something here! No wonder many of them use it too, it works!

  4. Meow meow says:

    Internal processes of imagination, empathy, storytelling and reflection may also be dependent on the ‘mirror system’ – a collection of mirror neurons.

  5. Cathy says:

    While all your info is quite helpful I can’t help but feel as if I am Clarice in Silence of the Lambs

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You have already written this once.

      1. Duchessbea says:

        HG,
        You give excellent and sound advice. You are the best therapist that everyone here could ever ask for.
        When reading comments left by people who have had entanglements with your kind, the harsh words and sometimes angry and upset people, just something I have wondered is if you have any thoughts on the behaviour of your kind in particular the lessers and midrangers? I know you wouldn’t be shocked by the behaviour, but would just like to get your opinion, either way of what you think when you read all the different posts that are sent to you. Thank you HG.
        DB

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Lessers are laughable in a rudimentary way. Mid Rangers are cowardly, shrivelled walnut ball wet wipes. I understand their behaviours, they are inferior to mine. When people with about their experiences I recognise the behaviours in those that I have studied through my own interactions with those types of narcissist.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            HG, I was in a store today, obtaining a refund on ‘items not fit for purpose’. The refund ‘system’ is a lot slower compared to buying something. I am quite confident, it was a Lesser (around 10 years older than me, I guess) in the queue – he was rolling his eyes and giving me the ‘evils’ (directly looking into my eyes) – I have never seen him before. He did it again as I was by my car, looking directly at me with the same ‘evils’. I mean, seriously, WTF. I was so very tempted to say summat to him, thought, no, I won’t saying anything at all….. I was actually amused (still am).

          2. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Good for you, glad you let it go…….however, you’re instinct is highly likely on the mark, most unsettling to say the least , evil eyes huh ? 😈
            I think I would’ve left real quick, people these days have mental issues and you just don’t know how he would’ve reacted , better to be safe than sorry rather than be the recipient of a narc’s rage or his fury…….he would’ve stuck back, guaranteed

            Mr Bubbles and I met a friend’s husband for the first time the other day. He was almost the mirror image of the weasel 😱😱😱😱😱 ……but shorter, little fingers, little feet, same grey hair, blue eyes, fat belly, tracky dacks, even had some same sameness
            I couldn’t believe what I was seeing….it was really creepy and I felt very unsettled
            I had to stop myself looking for all the narc traits, feeling very negative about him and to stop comparing and judging when he started bragging about his job and new house with all it’s high tech
            He was very friendly and extremely hospitable, however, most short men have short man syndrome.

            Mr Bubbles was shocked as well, honestly, he and the weasel could’ve been twin brothers
            EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!

            ————
            Mirror mirror on the wall
            Don’t you dare
            Or I will call

            Mirror mirror on the wall
            Try to be me
            And You will fall
            ————
            Merry Christmas lovely one and wishing you a wonderful New Year 🎄🥂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          3. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, thank you for your response. Why should I leave a store just because of a Lesser (if it was)? He would have had to explain ‘himself’ if he made a move on me – too many people around – like I said, I never seen him before – so why would he have the right to ‘attack’ me in public for no apparent ‘reasoning’? I have gained knowledge. He hasn’t (not aware) but only his ‘life skills’ would have held his ‘behaviours’ in ‘check’ (because he is a stranger to me). Yet, if it were THAT Lesser I knew, it would have been a different story – I may have left the store at this point.

            LOL at you saying “I had to stop myself looking for all the narc traits, feeling very negative about him and to stop comparing and judging when he started bragging about his job and new house with all it’s high tech”. Needless to say, I suppose you won’t be ‘rushing’ to make him very ‘welcome’ 😉

            Yes, I understand the “it was really creepy and I felt very unsettled” – I had the same responsive ‘instincts’ when I met a friend’s “friend” around 3 years ago. Now I know why!! I am confident because I also know some ‘background’ to be able to establish (confirm) the ‘reasoning’ of my initial instinctual response. I spoke about it much later and was half ‘listened’ to. I left it at that point. Interestingly, I have never heard “I love him” at any stage.

            “Short man syndrome”. Oh, Bubbles, bring out your claws, why don’t you? 😉 (you made me laugh though, so, my claws are clean, only this time ;-)). Still invoked a small and quite ‘purr’ from me 😉

            You (silently, to yourself, hands off me and my hubby) “Mirror mirror on the wall
            Don’t you dare
            Or I will call”…..HG to come and maul you…..

            You too, Bubbles, have a lovely time. Stay safe too. Bless you, Bubbles and thank you XX

  6. A Victor says:

    “If we are shouting at you and you do the same back to us, all you are doing is provide us with fuel…suddenly switching so that we wish to shield the children from mummy’s nasty temper. This shift…catch(es) you off-guard so that you feel guilty…pinned down by your honesty and decency because you do not want to drag the children into it. We do not care if we do, needs must.”

    Good grief, a bunch of puzzle pieces just fell into place. Momentary wish he was here so I could punch him.

    1. Wendy says:

      AV, lol! 😂

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