I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates.
They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too.
Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college. The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.
Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought.
Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction.
I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.
Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me. The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.
Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,
“Always good to make new friends.”
Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.
Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.
To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.
48 thoughts on “Promiscuous Boy”
Guys, just (re-) read the book “Sex and the Narcissist”. Narcissists are AUTO-erotic. They don´t have sex, they USE sex. They don´t use sex for pleasure. For pleasure they wank because the object of desire are THEMSELVES. Sex makes some narcissists just feel good about themselves, it´s the fuel! It´s fuel vs. disgust of intimacy. The more fuel the narc gets from sex, the more he or she craves it and the easier he or she can overcome their disgust of intimacy. Vice versa: If the disgust of intimacy outweighs the amount of fuel the narc gets from sex, the higher their tendency to stay asexual (see the Cerebrals and dominantly cerebral Elites!).
Yes, after looking up the definition of hypersexuality, I see this exactly. And of course HG, or any other narcissist, can obtain enough fuel from the IPPS without the sex, with that person anyway. But the sex will still be happening somewhere in the case of a narcissist who is hypersexualized, ie Somatics and at least some Elites. The fuel would flow from withholding sex from the IPPS, while obtaining sex elsewhere, just as my ex got his fuel from me that way (asshole). Why was this even a question. I hadn’t understood the actual meaning of hypersexualized, it’s a compulsive thing, not a desire, that’s why. Thanks Leela!!
This article always raises the question – can sexuality be a separate entity from the narcissim ? I do personally know Gay narcissists (not bi sexual narcs – although I know some of them as well) but Gay – I can’t believe a narc such as Elton John truly wasn’t sexually attracted to men. Or Hugh Hefner was not attracted to women (although truthfully I wouldn’t be surpriSed if Hugh swung all sorts of ways !)
Narcissits are still human – they have nerve endings like everybody else. They are comprised of genes, hormones, muscle and skin like everybody else. Therefore – there must be some aspects of their personality’s that are somewhat unique ? While the behaviour pattern follows a certain formula for the most part – they are still sexual beings. Even if sex has nothing to do with true intimacy.
Quite a trigger…..
“I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me.”
Could you get enough fuel from an IPPS without the sex? Would it be possible?
Are there any articles/logic bullitons that describe wounding ? I’m curious what emotion (if any) this would resemble for us empaths to relate or understand.
“Finally Understanding Wounding.” in the Knowledge Vault.
But narcissists have hormones do they not ? Isn’t s narcissist still capable of feeling “horny” (I hate that word) … but there must be some moments in time that they crave sex. I can completely understand they don’t regard it as a intimate act, and that it is a good source of fuel …. but biologically we are built to populate the species … so there is a component of want there .., is there not ?
Sometimes the description of a narcissist seems inhuman – as if they are a different species all together. But they are in fact human – we all have to go to the washroom, we all have to shower, we are all prone to getting disease, we all have hormones – and we all desire sexual interaction every now and then. I’d say the narcissist even more so then the empath – because we don’t need the fuel. I haven’t had sex in 3 years. I crave it obviously – but view men as a total waste of my time, I have more important things to do… but I still crave it.
Empath007, I think they only appear to crave it if it’s is the quickest and/or easiest way to obtain fuel. I think if they get the physical desire they just take care of it themselves, unless there is someone there from whom they can control or get fuel from by using them, basically. There is no intimacy nor any need for intimacy except as it furthers the prime aims.
definitely they could take care of the urge themselves – but that means that there is occasionally an urge.
H.G. – do narcs have better sexual “chemistry” with empaths then they would another narc ? Or is fuel the same regardless of the source ?
Fuel is in accordance with what is explained in the book “Fuel”.
The “chemistry” is infatuation driven by the narcissism’s need for the prime aims (which the empath supplies the best) on the narcissists side and emotional thinking on the empaths side.
Empath007, yes, thank you for that re the urge, good point. So then, how does hypersexuality fit in? With the infatuation, need for the prime aims, as stated here? Or with the physiological needs? Since they don’t need us to meet the physiological needs, I am guessing it’s connected to the infatuation, therefore, how can it be that an IPPS could supply the prime aims without the sex? Would the hypersexuality alter, as in leave, or would it be redirected to obtaining the prime aims in the way most effective with that IPPS? Would such an IPPS be chosen? I guess they would if there were other reasons connected to the prime aims. It is just confusing, the hypersexuality, disgust of intimacy, no need of sex, yet…the hypersexuality…? I keep rewriting this question, it becomes more clear each time, clear as mud, right?
HG, thank you for that explanation of chemistry, that is hugely helpful with regard to the addiction. It shows the predatory aspect of the narcissist so clearly, only looking for that one thing, no concern for the individual they’re targeting. Also the vulnerability/blindness to that fact on the part of the victim, who’s emotional thinking wants so badly to believe he’s actually interested, very intensely, in her.
So…about that….I kinda sorta met someone over the weekend but he lives 2000 miles away. I need someone to bring me off Cloud 9.
On dear, two thoughts, cloud 9 after a weekend is concerning. Also, I am so the wrong person to do that! Haha, I am so looking forward to that myself right now!
Back to reality, 2000 miles!! WTF are you thinking?!
Did it help? 😂
Okay, at the least, be careful, take it slow, build organically, go to the evidence, bounce things off us and HG. It is so hard when we get that addiction going! But that alone tells us a lot!
I only have my past experience, but I do not think he is a narcissist. I am not seeing red flags. Since I only visit every 6 weeks, it’s going to have to develop organically. I need someone to set me straight! 🤣 I never fell head over heels for any of my previous narcissists. I know it’s all brain chemicals! Logic, logic, logic! Will be my new mantra.
I love your new mantra! Mine is “Go to the evidence!”! So good to hear you don’t believe he’s a narcissist!! That is exciting! Have fun and keep us posted, it is exciting for us also, for one of us to have success!
I’m so glad I saw this comment. I say “Go to the evidence” all the time too. However, sometimes I’m unsure how to find the evidence. For instance, COVID vaccinations, there are two opposing sides and I can see validity in both sides. One sides says the vaccination will help stop the spread because of herd immunity and that it will help to stop the virus from mutating. The other side says, how are people still getting COVID and dying if they are already vaccinated? Why get vaccinated if it really doesn’t protect you? Which is the correct evidence to go to???
Mr. Tudor, I would love your thoughts on the whole COVID vaccination debate. Thank you in advance.
It can be difficult to determine which “evidence” in some situations. And sometimes there is ample to “back up” both sides of a discussion. There are times when, if I can’t get to what seems like a logical “bottom of the barrel” to me, I will just decide based on which side I agree with more. But I don’t stop there looking for more facts to support either side, when I have done this. Typically more facts will eventually come outand I can adjust my thinking as needed based on the new evidence. Some things are cut and dried, there is clear evidence available, once I start looking, those are easy. I look at a pretty diverse group of sources for information also, not the usual ones. Money is behind almost everything in our world, in one way or another. I find if you can trace the source of the money, you can often learn a lot. Power is another, similar thing, a bit more difficult to prove though. And I am huge on statistics. I love them and also use them to understand things. History also.
AV, thank you for your advice here. I so often go with my gut but I know my gut has failed me in the past.
If we are on the same page come Halloween, I will suggest moving to phone calls. Pretend we’re teenagers, long before cell phones! LOL The possibility of him moving closer is on the table. NOT AT MY EXPENSE OR LIVING WITH ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT It’s just a coincidence. Also, between the both of us we’d have a little menagerie with my 🐱 and his 🐶🐶🐶🐶.
BC30….. laughing at how you worded you comment…..brilliant! When you say kinda / sorta – was this in person – if it was, what was your initial intuition? 2,000 miles may sound a lot but it is manageable by communicating well. Just be ‘wise’ with what you tell him ie not your weaknesses etc. He may not be a narcissist, you’d be able to tell after some time has passed and what he wants to talk about. You have learned – just try to keep that in mind (LT). It is easier said than done, but keep your ET in sync with your LT. Cloud 50 is when you are away with the fairies, so cloud 9 is ok 😉
I came down off my pink cloud. My friend said it was “sex chemicals” and yes, they faded over time. However, we’ve briefly texted every few days. There is a lot that is unsaid because I think we are both not wanting to appear too eager.
(I am just seeing these comments for some reason, strange.)
Hey BC30, I have to admit I laughed at how you described it as “sex chemicals” and they faded over time……. interesting though as I was never one to usually “fall” for the attractiveness (exterior looks LOL) of a guy at an initial meeting of them in person. It can happen though. I had wondered though about the differences between men and women when it comes to ‘lurve’, for women, it may be more from an emotional aspect and for men, they may need the intimate (sex) to “complete” the cycle so to speak – that is how I ‘interpret’ it anyway. Then again, everyone is different.
RE: “not wanting to appear too eager” – I understand that and I suppose, on your part, it is also partly because of what you have learned on KTN?
RE: “I am just seeing these comments for some reason, strange” – it is some kind of break in the links, I suppose. Technology will never be better than the human mind 😉
Partly, yes. I do hold back a lot more. I throw out questions to “test” them but many make it obvious, assuming you know what to look for. I do not think “Mike” is a narcissist, far from it. I’m off Cloud 9, but still interested and we have continued texting. Meanwhile, another guy I was chatting online with got BIG MAD when I suggested we “put a pin in it” for a couple weeks because of a family illness. He was ANGRERY 🤣 He just wouldn’t stop sending me selfies! Anything I mentioned—-he was an expert. Very handsome, but not worth the trouble. Blocked.
A 2000 mile distance relationship won’t work !
Now onto cloud 10 ☁️
Luv bubbles xx 😘
Errmm….that’s what I told myself. Haha.
I’m going to be the bad influence and say… enjoy the ride until you find someone else
If you think they are a narc then you know what to do
Oh for sure. My 🐻 isn’t going anywhere any time soon.
Exactly! Narcissists are auto-erotic! Their object of desire are THEMSELVES! That´s why they prefer wanking over sex. Sex is just a tool, an instrument. They abhor intimacy! Their preferred “sexual partners” are actually themselves! There´s a good reason why it is called NARCISSISTIC personality disorder 😉
Empath007, you have to remember that most narcs are unaware so they don’t think they are any different than you or I. They are just having a normal urge. So, yes they have cravings and urges like you or I but something different is driving them. The difference is the narcissism is driving them to meet the prime aims. So, yes they get horny and in the conscious mind they think that you make them horny but its reaally the subconscious or the narcissism just trying to assert control.
Indeed, but I don’t think he is a narc. I’m being extra mindful about MRs, but also he is 2,000 miles away and I am not moving across the country. It’s just for fun.
Those MRs are really scary.
Hi there Leigh how are you ? If you don’t mind me asking how are things going with your GOSO plan any upates?
The FUEL makes them horny, because they feel good about themselves and in fact, they crave the fuel (those who take fuel from sex). They absolutely abhor intimacy. The fuel makes them overcome their disgust of intimacy, otherwise they prefer masturbation. Those, who do not take fuel from sex, prefer masturbation BY FAR! The intimacy which comes from sex disgust them so much, that they rather go into the bolthole and wank.
Yes. That’s a good point – they do enjoy it – they do “crave”
It but for the sake of fuel and control
Asp, yes, they feel horny but not the way we do. They get horny, whenever they feel good about THEMSELVES. Narcissists are auto-erotic. They do not feel sexual attraction towards anybody (in the classical, empathic sense). They feel only sexually attracted to THEMSELVES! They prefer masturbation over sex with an individual. Narcissists use sex for fuel, control and seduction. That´s it! It´s written in “Sex and the Narcissist”.
Empath007, not Asp, excuse me!
Interesting – so in theory then some of them could go without a sexual partner for some time – relying on porn and themselves I would imagine ?
Yes, exactly! The Cerebrals and some Elites (who are dominantly cerebral) can go without sex for years and even centuries. They are in fact asexual. Sex doesn´t give them enough fuel, they abhor intimacy, so, they only use sex when it´s really necessary, otherwise they prefer masturbation BY FAR!
Great question, A Victor!
Thank you Lisk, the reply of course leaves me with more questions!
AV, every interaction with the narcissist is a manipulation in order to receive the prime aims, control, fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If an IPPS is under control and meeting the other prime aims, there is no need for sex. Maybe a female narc loses her sex drive after menopause sets in. Maybe a male narc becomes impotent. Remember, withdrawal of sex is a manipulation also.
Well, I just looked hypersexuality up. It explains it all. Wish I would’ve done that a long time ago. Thanks for your thoughts Leigh!
If we cheated on you, would that be wounding?
Right okay. Thank you HG.