But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?



I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases.
He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it.
Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same.
You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?



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14 thoughts on “But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?

  1. Joa says:

    I fall in love very quickly, which clearly shows a high degree of idealization by me. That is why for many years, I put the blockade on myself. I knew, that the risk of bringing any idiot I idealized into my family (me and my daughter) was very high. And this – for my daughter – I could not allow. I remember too well every detail of my own childhood, to give her the same.

    It seems to me that I would be more careful now … I am now able to reject someone, without remorse. But there’s still that switch inside me – click and I love. Surely the other side would have to try harder than ever, to discover this switch and turn it on. But if he click, I’m not using my common sense. I’m going all the way. I still can’t stop that.

    Normal – NO, because it is not able to enter the areas that interest me. I apologize to the “normal” ones, I do not want to offend them, but they are too “simple” for me, thoughtless (oops…).
    Cross-sectionally, I see this social pyramid like this: at the top of the narcissists, followed by empaths – both groups drive each other, empaths do not care about collecting laurels, narcissists do. At the bottom, ordinary, gray mass is normal. Terrible, right? Unfortunately, this is how I see it.

    It doesn’t mean, that I have them too worse. We just don’t fit together in the male-female relationship.

    Empath. Narcissus. An empath-narcissist would be ideal 😊 Unfortunately, the risk of another mistake is very high.

    However, I can see progress. Two years ago I did not allow any other man to think at all. The appearance of “my” narcissist unlocked this area. He knows it. But he also knows what’s holding me back so far.

    Regardless of the above, whether I will be with someone or not, life goes on, and I still absorb it, “hate” it and love it 😊

    1. Joa says:

      This was supposed to be AV’s answer to “Fall in love”. I guess I put it wrong 🙂

  2. A Victor says:

    Good grief, every time I go to the audio consultation page, I get a flood of sexy hormones from those lips!!

    1. BC30 says:

      😂 AV

      1. A Victor says:

        Haha, one of those comments I immediately regret once I send it! 🤣

    2. Wendy says:

      Lol, I’m right there with you AV! Sexy lips!

    3. Joa says:

      At first, I didn’t like HG’s voice. Dispassionate. Worked out. Too much modulated. Piercing conceit. And that chirping (I don’t know what the English equivalent is) complacently with his own words.

      However, when I accept that someone has authentic reasons for being conceited, it stops bothering me. When someone has real reasons for complacency, not imaginary reasons, their confidence becomes an asset.

      Now I can’t hear it at all. HG’s voice is soothing to me. I think it is because of this certainty. Yes, I feel calm when I listen. Like I’m at home.

      1. A Victor says:

        For me it’s the visual of the lips here, with the scruff/beard, and my damn imagination, those lips are so similar to the fireman’s, that guy was so fkIng hot! I am currently in the process of desensitizingmyself by looking at them often. I think it is working…?

    4. Joa says:

      Interestingly, I didn’t like the voice of “my” narcissist at first. And then I drowned in him … And in his breath…

      Die, get lost, unclean nightmare ☹

      1. A Victor says:

        I never liked my ex’s voice, nor my mother’s, nor my first ex. I loved the fireman’s voice, my dad voice, the summer narc’s voice. All of the first three had a winey, nasally quality about them, the last three a timbre, a depth and probably most importantly, a confidence that my ears found pleasant. For me it is about the sound more than the person, I think. I do hope if I get married again, I like his voice, that would be new, haha!

        HG’s voice is very similar to my dad’s and even more my son’s, but with the addition of the accent, I don’t mind it but am not overly drawn to it as a result. I am an odd exception in this I believe.

      2. Joa says:

        Fuck his breath. I write like him.

        The goal counts. I write like him.

        I’ll get it. I write like him.

        I’m sure of it. I write like him.


        I hope he is fine. I think so.
        It calms me down.
        I can act. I can live.

        Let him not need my help, please.
        I can’t refuse.
        I’ll take it as always.

        And it will lose me.

        Come back. Remind yourself. Remind yourself. Remind yourself.

        Ok. It’s OK now.

        1. A Victor says:

          Joa, I am glad it’s okay now! And I remember those times when it calmed me down to hear from him and know that he was alright. I am glad not to be there any more, he is not my problem now. But I do remember those days.

          1. Joa says:

            AV, it seems that ending is impossible for me.

            I am worried about everyone who has ever managed to enter my heart. It’s stronger than me.

            My sister believes in God (but not in the institution of the Church). He prays every evening. Long. For everyone. People, animals, the living and the dead. Also for both my narcissists 🙂

            I don’t believe in any god. But it works on the same principle …

            I will always worry about him.

            But yes, it holds a special place in my heart.

            The only way to throw him into a safe space, like the first narcissist, is … to fall in love.

          2. A Victor says:

            Joa, fall in love with a normal or an empath!! That will cure everything!! Even though you might have to teach him a few things…😉

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