Needing Release



Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you.

In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it.

It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me.

It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you.

Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you.

There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming.

They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say.

Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like.

You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up.

Go, go now and leave me alone.

Please. Just do it. Move on.

You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms.

Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is.

How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy.


9 thoughts on “Needing Release

  1. Joa says:

    Very heavy text for me.

    I cannot write anything more about it.

  2. Wendy says:

    Omg! What a trigger reading this! My ex narc told me over and over how he “had” to cheat because I gave him no other choice. I had failed “us” and was no longer the “ woman” but the “ bitch.” I was the bitch alright because I called his sorry ass out on his lies and fakeness! He would say to me pretty early on “ we will be together until we are old, unless you fuck it up.” He said this all the time. “ unless you fuck it up” I can hear his voice saying this now. Oh, the poor man who was just so distraught and hurt that I had “ forced” him to cheat and lie! Ya think I would have recognized that glaring red flag! But, nope, kept letting him back in with the lovebombing until all the devaluing started. The mask fell off and the rest is history. Ugh, almost six months has passed now and those feelings of dread are still very raw when I allow myself to think about him.

    1. A Victor says:

      Mines been gone over 11 years and I can still feel those emotions and that anger at what he did. And how foolish I feel, still, for letting him fool me like I did. They affect us deeply. It will improve though, as you learn more and given time. This article triggers me also.

      1. Wendy says:

        Thanks for that encouragement HV! I’m sure these feelings will eventually subside given enough time and by staying no contact. 🤗

        1. A Victor says:

          You’re welcome.

      2. Truthseeker6157 says:


        A belated happy first anniversary of your arrival on the blog! I read your comment on another thread but can’t remember where I saw it so thought I’d post here.

        It’s a really good feeling when you reach the year mark. We look back and realise how much has changed and how much we have all learned since our arrival. I think the celebration of our anniversaries underlines how much affection we feel for this place, how much we value the blog as a whole and the man who runs it.

        I’m glad you are here. Happy anniversary AV xx

        1. A Victor says:

          Thank you for the congratulations Truthseeker! I agree with your assessment re the celebration of anniversaries! And I am glad you are here also! I would not be where I am without you and everyone here, I know that. And without HG, none of it would be possible! I am grateful for you all!

      3. Empath007 says:

        11 years ? 🙁 those bastards and their ever presence!!

        It’s been 3 for me but the only thing I think about when I think of him is sex – I forget a lot of the other details now. And even that area is becoming hazy.

        Not every narc will affect us the!same – some we forget easily – others leave an eternal mark.

        I hope you can forgive yourself A Victor – you were not foolish – you were an unaware empath – and there is a very large difference. It’s never foolish to be acting from instinct, we do as we do and they do as they do, you hold no blame.

        1. A Victor says:

          Hi Empath007, forgiving myself is happening, sometimes I have a better handle on it than others. It helps when I remember I was prepped from birth for ensnarement. Also learning more of the ways that he, that all MMR’s, manipulate is helping, learning more of how it happened, so I can potentially avoid it happening again. Thank you for the words of encouragement, they mean a lot!

          As to the sex, my mind goes directly to the summer narc, never even met that guy! And also to the fireman, wish I would’ve never met that one! My mind is my most potent sex organ and these two had me all worked out! I’m actually glad my ex was crap in bed, it would’ve made things more difficult otherwise, I think, more temptation. You know what I’ve been thinking lately though, maybe he was only crap with me, because I accepted it, you know, like why did the narcissist marry some but not others? It’s what is needed to get the prime aims and with the least energy expenditure possible. That won’t be happening again, oh no, it will not. See why I feel foolish? So much to sort out around this particular topic. My parents screwed me up in this area even, ugh. Thank you for your openness about it, along with the DC’s, it is helping.

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