Tell Me What You Are Thinking
You may remember Sophie who was one of my ex-girlfriends. She was a happy-go-lucky kind of person and loved dashing from person to person wishing them well. She was like a machine spewing out good wishes, pleasantries and compliments.
“You look really well,you have lost weight.”
“That skirt really suits you.”
“I heard you recently got married, you must be really happy. That’s really wonderful.”
“Hey great news on that new job. I am really pleased for you.”
“You look so content, I am really happy for you.”
She was really, really good natured. Oh and she used really a lot. There was not a bad bone in Sophie’s body and she always saw the good side of everything. I was by turns fascinated by how she managed it and also hugely attracted by her capacity to find victory from the jaws of defeat.
“He’s grumpy because he is tired, he works very hard you know.”
“I guess he didn’t have time to speak to me today, he has really huge responsibilities. He really has.”
“I don’t mind that he forgot my birthday, I am just really pleased to be with him, that’s a good enough present for me.”
“I haven’t heard from him so I guess he is out with his friends. It is really good to spend time with other people now and again, it keeps things really fresh.”
She just skipped along merrily handing out kindness and warmth as if that was all she was programmed to do. I reached this conclusion because behind the permanent smile, the twinkling eyes and elated expression she wore there really was not a lot else. She had no interest in politics, current affairs, sport, history, literature and so on. She would listen patiently if I railed against the latest proposals concerning immigration nodding and smiling and when I asked her what she thought she would say,
“Oh all of that is for people really clever. It’s not for me.”
She was never dismissive in the sense of pouring scorn on it just because she was not interested or she did not understand. No, she just had no interest because she felt it was beyond her, not something she had to be concerned about. She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere. I do think she lacked much in the way of her own opinions and thoughts because she usually deflected any attempt to get her to critique something with a self-effacing comment like the one above. She never seemed to be caught in a moment of contemplation. She never seemed to pause for thought. She would just ask what I thought. She did this repeatedly. She was always concerned to know what I was thinking about.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“What are you thinking?”
“Where is your mind today?”
“What’s going on upstairs?”
Repeatedly throughout the day, as we sat watching television, after we had made love, during dinner, going for a walk, when I was shaving and so on. Always wanting to know what I was thinking. So I told her. From the mundane (“This shaving gel is not as good as the last lot I bought”) through to the loving (“I was just thinking how wonderful it is being with you”) to the scathing (“I was just wondering why on earth I am with such an empty-headed woman as you”). That was all she wanted to know. What was I thinking? On and on she would go, asking and asking and no matter what I said, be it compliment or nasty comment or ephemera she would smile and give a satisfied nod.
All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?
One weekend she was staying with me at my house and I returned earlier than she expected. She had not heard me come in (it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning) and I could hear her talking in the bedroom. I crept closer and through the slightly ajar door I realised she was talking to herself.
“Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does. I need to know what he is thinking and then I can make him happy, it is only fair, he deserves it doesn’t he? Don’t think Sophie, must not do that, come on, you can do this, you always do. Do it don’t daydream.”
I stole away and then realised what I needed to do to break her.
After that, whenever she asked me what was I thinking about, I would respond by saying “Nothing.” She would look puzzled and ask again. I would repeat my answer. She then would look slightly anxious. I would turn to her and ask
“What are youthinking about”
She would try and deflect my question by asking me again or changing the subject but now I knew how to get to her. I would never tell her what I was thinking and instead pursue her to tell me what was going on inside that sugary head of hers. It worked. She became upset, angry, frustrated and anxious so I kept it going and going and going. I have no idea why it troubled her so much. Her eyes filled with panic when I kept saying nothing and then she seemed to shrink, her light dimming as I asked her about what she was really thinking. She could not cope with it. I did not work out what it was about thinking that caused her so much consternation and I did not care, all that mattered to me was being able to provoke her into giving me that emotional reaction. It seemed that too much thinking on her part was a dangerous thing indeed. The important thing was that I had worked out how to provoke the provision of negative fuel. Makes you think doesn’t it?
22 thoughts on “Tell Me What You Are Thinking”
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Over the years, I have had different thoughts on “why” Sophie was like how she is described above. I have wondered if she has OCD. OCD is not how society wants to view it where someone loves to be neat; and it isn’t only the compulsion of washing hands. It is a mental health illness which is like having a bully in your head who targets the things that matter to a person. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, but with OCD the intrusive thoughts cause such intense negative feelings where the person does a compulsion, either mental or physical, to counter. The compulsion isn’t usually logical, but it is what works at that moment. Not everyone with OCD has the same obsessions or compulsions; not everyone requires medicine; some require help in an institution while others do not.
The reason I think this might be connected to OCD is because she has her own thoughts/decisions as she tells herself to stop “daydreaming,” but she has a thought that if she does A then B, which is bad, happens. Avoidance is huge for many who suffer from OCD. Some avoid knives after they have had a thought or image of harming self or other with a knife and they don’t want to harm anyone.
I have OCD and I recognize I can be projecting on to Sophie. My compulsions are mostly mental. I have to share for others to know what is going on. The main exception is when someone unknowingly interrupts a compulsion, and I don’t always react well. Doing and finishing whatever the compulsion is is thought to be what is required for the person. I can’t describe what it is like to do the opposite in that moment.
As for her not reacting negatively to other things before she was overhead, she may have reacted inside but didn’t show it. There are many fights and words of anger I have played out in my head but I was too afraid of the harm I would cause, so I didn’t say out loud. I have to admit that the feelings didn’t always go away so I have overreacted in other situations, usually with other people, as a conglomerate of feelings I buried. Also if she had OCD, then she may be like others who have it and have other things as well. I have OCD, I was diagnosed GAD in the past year, I have phobias, and the multiple doctors I have seen in the past months have told me in different ways that I have body image issues. OCD alone, or OCD with anything else, she may have felt nothing about something specific, as I have at times, because of how her brain has been thinking beforehand “oh he is only looking at pictures, it could be worse as I have already prepared for a more worse case scenario;” or “I saw a man and thought he was handsome, and now I am concerned what that means about my relationship. Oh wait – he just did the same thing and is obviously still committed to us.” There are times when both of my exes shared about things about other women that were not good, and I didn’t react. One of the reasons I didn’t is because my mind was so full of anxiety on other things, I didn’t have the capacity to add one more. I don’t make it easy for others to know what is going on in my mind, which is on “go” all day and most of the night. Another of the many reasons was because I considered the consequences in my mind: “If I react to this, then he can react to me just talking to a male friend. I know that is not the same level of what he just shared happened, but it is a situation or fight I am not willing to have to potentially deal with.” This last one can be a belief that came from another relationship or from something from elsewhere; not always derived from anything he did or said.
I don’t know if Sophie does have OCD, but her statement of not doing something, which she shares she has the ability to do, to stop a perceived bad thing from happening makes me wonder.
(I’m sorry for the dissertation. I couldn’t figure out how to say her actions and words don’t seem so off to me in a more succint way.)
Hi Getting There (great name btw), I have wondered how much Sophie was affected by PTSD or CPTSD. I know that coming out of a double narc ACON situation, I have struggled with elements of this myself and though I don’t have OCD, I do have certain nervous behaviors that I notice an uptick in when I begin to feel stressed. I can see where a person could easily be affected more if they had a different personality, experienced worse abuse or if the abuse they experienced hit them in a different way than it hit me. I feel so bad for her and hope she is doing better today.
Thank you, A Victor. I like your name as well.
I’m sorry you went through what you did with the double narcs and that you are experiencing elements after the trauma! Stress increases my OCD and anxiety as well; as does tiredness. I hope you have found ways to help during those times of increase.
I hadn’t thought of the possibility of PTSD or CPTSD with her. Thank you for sharing that. It makes sense also. It is sad to think of the trauma she experienced before she met HG. The brain tries so hard to help us; however, sometimes it has developed, or been taught, or impacted in such a way. It does seem that she lives with a fear that doesn’t let her be and then further she lectures herself for wanting to be – it seemed to be a no win situation for her. I’m with you in hoping she is doing better now. I hope she has found whatever was needed to not let fear or others control her.
Hi Getting There,
Thank you for the reply and the compliment on my name. It is one of the places where my tendency toward the illogical appears, I stress a great deal over names online. I would so much prefer to use my real name but the anonymity is more important.
Yes, stress (thinking of Sophie here, living with a narc is huge for this one), fatigue, lack of movement, over-socializing, boredom, not eating well all contribute to my odd behaviors kicking in. I feel blessed that I don’t experience anxiety to speak of. I have learned it is important to take care of myself, though in some respects it has not been a priority always. Yes, I cope by dealing with the reason, as noted above. And sometimes, if I don’t know what’s causing it, I just say no to myself, and refuse to participate in the behavior. It has gotten easier with practice. It is all about balance and moderation for me. Do you have ways of staying on top of it that work well for you? If you don’t wish to share, I understand.
Thank you for your words regarding my double narc situation, I have just recently begun to realize that, and the implications of it. But it is what it is, or was anyway, and I am who I am because of it, haha, for better or for worse. I like myself enough and others usually seem to also, so it is okay. I feel worse for my siblings who I think really struggle still. It was worse for them so that is to be expected I guess.
Have a good day!
Hello, A Victor.
I understand wanting to use your real name! I am not creative and don’t like the feeling that I am hiding, but you are right that it is better to be anonymous on some sites.
Self care is so important! It’s great that you take care of you! It’s also great that you don’t let those things control you. The not eating well reminds me of how interesting the mind/gut relationship is. It’s wonderful that you have compassion for yourself that you can recognize those triggers! I don’t often hear/read people say that they are blessed. It’s nice to read. You are a very strong person as those steps you take aren’t easy. It’s wonderful to read how much you know you are worth it! Thank you for sharing what you do! Do you use positive self talk?
I also struggled on putting myself as a priority but have worked on that more as I know I can’t tell my child it is important but show the opposite. I exercise more and can tell a difference when I haven’t exercised in awhile. I just joined a new gym that offers classes that gives me no time to think at all. I look forward to going back even though I felt it for days after the last class. I have learned to talk more with family, friends, and coworkers. I have also learned to accept help – to a certain extent. I make fun of me in a way so others can laugh and then they joke. I laugh at their jokes, if funny, about me and don’t take myself seriously. That feeling of finding humor seems to steal away from the negative feelings.
I haven’t been willing to do what is needed longterm for the anxiety or OCD. I got close recently to become dedicated and then realized it was possible that the OCD may have protected me in a couple of ways. One was a potential relationship. I was trying to sit with the feeling and not let it control me or the situation. It became so bad that I was making myself sick to my stomach. I finally gave in to doing what felt so much better. The conversation that followed led to research of the person and discovery of a possible other relationship he was in. I don’t know if I was protected from falling for another heartbreak or not good situation, but I think “what if….” With all my mental, I know I can’t trust my gut. On the other hand, I do recognize it is holding me back in many ways to only manage to a level of anxiety versus actually working on not impacting me. One day. I have faith I will do it one day.
How beautiful that the double narcs didn’t steal you internally long term and that you like yourself! I’m sorry to hear about your siblings! It’s hard to watch the ones we love struggle and not be able to help. I hope that they are able to find what will help them recognize their strength as well.
I hope you have a great day as well.
Hi Getting There,
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think of myself as strong but I learned young the motivators that workfor me and I continue to use them. They also impact upon my sense of self worth. I do not use positive self talk, it had not been necessary really. Somehow I have just always felt it, if not on a day or two, I did something to bring it back. Even at the lowest points of my marriage to a narc, I did not lose that. I think it is attached to the Super that I have and also Pride and Vanity being my two strongest traits. It gave me a confidence in myself that rarely wavers.
I think it’ sabout finding what will motivate ourselves, to keep up a way of life that I’d beneficial for us. Mine is very selfish but it works for me so I don’t mind. Yet another reason I expected to be a narcissist, it was a complete surprise, a pleasant one, that I turned out an empath.
Thank you again!
Please pardon the typos, I should get my laptop out.
I love, when people around me feel good. I love, it when they stand within my radius and feel better right away 🙂
To some extent, I lure them with their alluring scent, to lower their own boundaries. So that we can “touch” and greet each other for a moment.
Sophie was breaking boundaries too harshly. In good faith, but she stepped in too hard. Unfortunately, I avoid such people. They tire me.
Narcissus does it differently. He slides in almost imperceptibly without tearing down walls. And then, being inside, it expands and grows like an inflatable balloon 🙂 Under the pressure, the walls crumble on all sides.
Damn burglar and sapper 🙂
Joa…..”damn burglar”…..laughing.
The first epithet I called “my” narcissist in our first conversation, was (when I laughed): “Sadist!” 😊 I wasn’t too wrong and I know why he liked it so much 😊
Laughing…….
Poor Sophie. Was she a Codependent/Geyser combo? But also with some Magnet I think.
Setting aside that she was empty headed… what did her demeanor make you feel? Did you feel repulsion? Jealousy? Attraction? That she was a highly valuable person or an annoyance? If she has been smart and opinionated and this way too.. what would you have felt? Asking for a friend 🙂
*if she had been (not has been – typo)
HG, how could you do that to poor Sophie?! Tsk, tsk! It’s awful that you brought such a sweet person down to her knees like that. But, omg! That line had me cracking up! “She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere.” Haha, the visual of sweet Sophie skipping and flinting around like a fairy! Wish I could do that! Lol, I’m just sputtering and spewing venom and spit these days! Must be my age. I’m getting crankier at 53! Lol, cheers to all the Sophie’s out there. 🥂😊
I’ve always wondered what made her not want to think or tell what she was thinking . Maybe ,Sophie had a thinking disorder. I don’t like to think but not to that degree 😃
Bloody hell, HG, I started laughing…..why? I’d read your roastings on James Corben……gawd….laughing again now…..
Sophie sounds to me (as portrayed here) as empty and in search of a host to bring her to life as the narcissist.
NA, I love it! Brilliant comment, thank you for the laugh 🙂
Exactly! That’s why I guess CoD. And her animation made me think Geyser.
Oh my gosh poor thing. She sounds lovely and screwed up. Aren’t we all? Turning off my email notifications now. You post a lot and I’m not getting anything done. 😄
Haha, I’ve had to turn my phone off sometimes!! But then I miss him and all the bloggers! It’s a quandary!