One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allow you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and vicious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

27 thoughts on “Bound

  1. A Victor says:

    HG, often when I see some of the images, usually of young women, as here, I wonder if young people are more easy to ensnare, more desirable due to their youth both physically and in their thought processes, more empathy etc? Or are older women/men just as desirable to narcissists? Is there a tendency for older people to become more wise to it and therefore more difficult to ensnare? Or bitter, so the empathy is dimmed?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What matters are the Prime Aims. Age can impact on those both in an advantageous and disadvantageous manner. Some older people are more difficult to control owing to increased understanding and application of will power to the NCR, others are not. There is no hard and fast rule.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Some are hard…some are fast…

        If there was a rule, it would be quickly broken anyway haha.

        1. Leigh says:

          Ha! My mind went straight to the gutter with that comment!

        2. A Victor says:

          Hahaha! True.

      2. A Victor says:

        My daughter brought up Ted Bundy again yesterday, there is an obsession in my family about him right now, but over the course of that conversation, I was able to share with her about how narcissists are created and about the prime aims! It was exciting, she was listening! My kids are mind-boggled by it as I once was but I’m so happy they’re asking questions! She was confused because apparently Bundy had a fantastic family and upbringing. HG, I am so thankful to you for having this knowledge to pass on to my kids, I can’t ever thank you enough!

        1. A Victor says:

          Also, thanks for the reply HG!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

        2. WhoCares says:


          This sounds like a fascinating conversation to have to have with your kids – not exactly about Ted Bundy, haha – but about narcissism.
          Honestly, I can’t wait until I can have conversations like this with my son…
          He asked me what “psychopath” meant, the other day! I hesitated because I wasn’t sure about entertaining that particular conversation. And then a split second later, I decided there was no reason why I couldn’t talk with him about it. So I asked what he thought it meant. He said “I don’t know, I just know you shouldn’t call someone that!”
          I just provided a googled generic definition, and that appeared to satisfy him. But I can’t wait to have more detailed conversations.

        3. Joa says:

          AV, from what I remember, when I was “immersed” in this case, it was rather traumatic family experience. Grandfather, tyrant and alcoholic, who was his authority. The sister turned out to be the mother. The mother turned out to be a grandmother. There was a suspicion that grandfather was both grandfather and father. These were the realities of his early childhood.

          I don’t want to check it now and plunge into the darkness, because at the very thought I can already feel the specific atmosphere of his childhood, this constant tension that he must have been subjected to. Brrrr. But I remember rather well.

      3. Violetta says:

        If the narc is a fortune hunter, wouldn’t a desperate, lonely rich older person be the ideal target? A younger, better-looking person might be less desperate and would examine the narc’s claims more closely.

        And oh, the Residual Benefits!

        1. A Victor says:

          Aha, this is something I had not considered, thank you.

        2. BC30 says:

          I would wager a good majority of sugar babies and sugar daddies & mommies are narcissists.

          1. A Victor says:

            There’s such a thing as a sugar baby?! Lol, that’s ones be to me!! I will be aware!

  2. Alison says:

    I discovered this site three weeks ago when I was desperately googling what could possibly be wrong with my relationship. For months after the birth of our child, my husband was a changed person. We had what I thought was the best and strongest possible relationship for nearly four long golden years, then once the baby came, I was married to a stranger.

    At first, he was stony, silent, and checked out for months. I thought he might be depressed or that the stress of work might be getting to him. On top of adjusting to life with a newborn (which he barely helped with), I obsessively tried to snap him out of his state and bring back the person I loved, but it just got worse… Blatant lies, rages, threats, property damage, spending most of his time with a female “friend”, the beginnings of physical violence.

    If someone would have told me a year ago how my life would end up, I never, ever would have believed it, but here I am in some bizarre reality where my only source of truth is a shadowy figure on the internet who lives on the other side of the ocean, but somehow seems to know in frightening detail everything that is going on in my home.

    I would give anything for this all just to be a nightmare and to wake up and have everything be the way it was. I struggle to accept that the first four years were nothing but an illusion, but the more I read, the more sense it all makes, and I feel like such a fool. As much as it hurts and makes me physically ill, I force myself to come here every day and read as much as possible. Because if I stop for a day or two, then the emotional thinking creeps back in, and I start second guessing whether or not he really is a narc, and I swallow the comfort crumbs he tosses, only to be hurt… Again.

    1. A Victor says:

      Welcome Alison, glad you found narcsite, you will learn much. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. It is startling how they go from being so perfect to so nasty, and so fast. You have seen it far quicker than I did, which is good because now you can learn and take steps to protect yourself and your child as you deem necessary. Keep reading, talk here as you need to, hang in there. 💕

    2. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Hello Alison,

      I’m really sorry to read about the situation you find yourself in. You have come to the right place though. Welcome.

      Like you, many of us found the blog whilst looking for answers. Nothing seemed to fit until I landed here. Very quickly, what I read rang so many bells that I had to conclude I was dealing with a narcissist. It isn’t comfortable reading. I totally agree, but it’s necessary reading.

      I thought the same, I found it difficult to believe and in fact to trust some unknown person on the internet. He was getting it right and I had been getting it badly wrong. I’m a people reader, I pride myself on being able to read people accurately, yet in this instance I was very wrong and it rocked my world.

      We can’t understand what we don’t see. We don’t see the narcissist coming. We try to fathom what’s going on through using our own perspective, placing behaviours in context of how we and the majority see the world. No one ever told me that there are other people who see the world through a different lense, one that is in opposition to my own. I knew nothing about narcissism until I arrived here.

      If your partner is a narcissist, he views the world differently to you. You can’t be expected to know that or to have somehow been prepared for it, so you mustn’t feel stupid. You are doing the right thing by forcing yourself to read the articles posted here. They are accurate and will tell you what you need to hear, not what you might want to hear.

      When the time is right, I recommend you use the Narc Detector consultation. This way you know for sure if your partner is a narcissist and if so why, together with his school and cadre. This will help you in your decision making going forward. It will also remove doubt from your mind. We want to see the best in our partners and those comfort crumbs will keep coming to sew doubt in your mind and slow down your logical thinking.

      For me, I knew in my heart of hearts from reading the articles here, that I was involved with a narcissist, but I needed to hear it from HG. I needed certainty, which is what I was given.

      It’s a horrible situation to be in Allison, but there are many here who have been through similar and who are ready to support you as your understanding grows. Read, allow yourself time to digest and to question the information provided here, and little by little, your options will become clearer.

      I’m glad you found us.


    3. k mac says:

      You are not a fool Alison. You only know what you know. ❤

    4. Leigh says:

      Hi Alison, I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially right after the birth of your child.

      Im going to assume he is a narsissist and tell you what i think might be going on and give you some suggestions. Since you say he has started getting physical, I would be very careful. Please don’t point out his negative behaviors. Doing that will ignite his fury. Silent treatments come from cold fury. Physical violence comes from heated fury. Everything you do and say right now is seen through a black lens. This means you are painted black and he sees you in a negative light. Because you are painted black, eerything you say and do as wrong.

      These are just my opinions but I’m saying it because I want you to be careful.

      Here are some articles that may help:

      Stay here and keep reading.

    5. Bubbles says:

      Dearest Alison,
      Sadly, what stands out the most from your story are massive dangerous red flags ……

      ‘Blatant lies, rages, threats, property damage, beginnings of physical violence’, ‘makes me physically ill’

      You need to take your precious baby and leave NOW and NEVER go back
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    6. Wendy says:

      Dear Alison,

      I’m sorry this is happening to you! Please take the advice of the others on this blog and continue coming here and educating yourself in every way that you can. It will give you the strength to do what you will need to do. Please know you are not alone and that there are people who can help you. Reach out to your friends, family, or anyone that you trust to support you. Please protect yourself and your sweet baby! And learn from HG about how you can get out and stay out!

      Hugs and prayers! 💕🙏

  3. k mac says:

    I can attest to this. 😔 It is unbearable.

    1. A Victor says:

      Thankfully, there is a remedy, though it takes time and effort for full effect. GOSO and NC, they work to release those bonds! 🙂

    2. Truthseeker6157 says:

      K Mac,

      I feel for you here. I struggled with feeling sad afterwards for far longer than I should have. If I have a rough day, or I’m stressed, I still miss those long conversations I had with the narc. I think I miss the idea that there was perhaps someone who was wholly on my side rather than the narc himself. I understand that those same conversations meant nothing to him, but they meant everything to me at the time.

      I’m stubborn, pig headed actually, so once the decision was made to break away, then the decision was final. It didn’t help with the sad feelings and the replaying though. Those persisted.

      It does get better over time. Maintaining No Contact does work. Eventually the ache will subside and the replays lessen. I assume at some point they stop entirely but in the meantime, they become far more manageable. The Fifth Arena of interaction is a real pain in the arse, you might find HG’s ‘How To Stop Thinking About the Narcissist’ and ‘The Mirror Technique’ helps with this.

      Ultimately, the narc himself is not worth the missing, it’s the idea of what we thought they represented that is the real problem. The loss of who we thought they were. I think that’s the real bond, that’s the true source of the sadness and that comes from within us ourselves. In actuality the narc is little more than a projector screen. They don’t generate anything themselves, they just show us our own beliefs of how a relationship should be.

      The trick I think, is to try to see it for what it was. A con, elaborate, but a con nonetheless. They should all wear cheap suits and carry grimy playing cards instead of hiding behind their tin pot facades and leeching our artistry!

      In fact, I know a song about that haha!


      1. k mac says:

        Thank you Truthseeker. It has taken lots of time that’s for sure. “The true source of sadness comes from within ourselves” definitely rings true. ❤

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:


          No problem, Im glad to see you are on the mend 🙂


  4. Wendy says:

    There is a soul tie that is very hard to break with anyone we (empaths) become intimate with, either physically, emotionally, or both. But, with the narcissist this bond is laden with many layers. Even when our logical thinking is aware of what has happened the soul tie and addiction binds us to them. We will forever be bound in some way whether we have succeeded in going no contact or not. They will always have a piece of us and we them. It’s almost supernatural… is evil.

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