Protecting Others From The Narcissist
When you see a friend or a family member in our grip, what do you do?
I do not mean the instance where you see your replacement as intimate partner, somebody who is often a stranger to you, but occasionally might be somebody that you already know. Tempting as it may be, in such an instance, where you do not know your replacement and no matter how much you feel that you ought to warn this person, you are wasting your time.
The charming of the new victim is so intense and the smearing of you as the discarded replacement means that your chances of persuading the new victim that we are what we really are, amount to almost nil.
In such a situation you have your own defences to consider and you must leave the new victim to determine their own fate, harsh and heartless as it may sound, there is little hope for anything else.
But what of the situation where you had no or little prior involvement with our kind and you certainly had not been ensnared by us? What then where we snake our tendrils towards somebody that you care about?
It may be the case that you are sufficiently aware (and thus in a rare group of those who are so aware and observant) that you identify the person that you care about is in the midst of our seduction. You recognise the red flag (most likely because you have experienced themselves) and now you see them again, but applicable to your friend or family member. This might be that: –
– You struggle to get to spend any time with this person because we monopolise their time;
– They talk incessantly about us and how wonderful we are, making reference to how quickly we have fallen in love with them, how we want to whisk them away on a holiday within weeks of meeting or even noises are being made about engagement and/or living together with undue haste;
– Your friend exhibits that starry-eyed, breathless and almost hypnotic reaction to our charm offensive;
– Everything appears to revolve around us, they talk about what we do, what we want to do with them and what we have been doing.
You recognise the behaviours all too well. Both in terms of how the insidious tentacles of our kind are snaking around this person and also in terms of how they react.
You know what lies ahead. You know the illusion will be woven thicker, deeper and more tightly around our victim. You know how it will all turn sour as the devaluation begins and the abuse is unleashed. As undoubtedly an empathic person you have the overwhelming desire to want to help this person. You also feel obligated to share the knowledge, the “Narc Craft” which you have acquired. You may even feel evangelical about the need to prise open our grip and allow this person to be freed.
If you do decide to help, what hurdles will you face?
- The façade. We will have a ready-made façade of Lieutenants and members of our coterie who will only be too happy to vouch for us. These people will confirm what a great person we are, kind, honourable and how much we adore the person you are hoping to free. Not only will you be told this in order to unnerve and de-rail your attempt to secure this person’s freedom, but the target will be repeatedly exposed to this propaganda. It is your word against the word of many. You face an uphill battle in that regard;
- The addictive nature of the love-bombing. Everybody likes to be treated well. If a person is swept off their feet, treated like a queen, placed on a pedestal, complimented, feted, wooed, provided with treats and gifts, exposed to repeated delights and such like, what is there not to like? Who would ever want to give that up? This power of our charm, magnetism and love-bombing make it very difficult for the victim to say no and give up what is being offered to them.
- The mirroring. I have often explained that because of our mirroring that you fall in love with yourself. This is so compelling that should you try to intervene to halt this, then you are deny somebody themselves. That is difficult to achieve.
- Our ubiquity. In order to try to persuade the person that you care about that we are something other than we appear to be, you need to gain time with them to do this. We monopolise their time, either through our presence, our telephone calls, the creation of ever presence, our texting and the use of proxy behaviours through our lieutenants and our coterie. You are outnumbered and it makes your task all the more arduous.
- Smear. You will be smeared. When we arrive in the life of one of our victims we also like to charm those around this person. This is to bolster the façade and it is also to ensure that there are no hindrances to our seduction. We are adept at identifying those who are suspicious of our motives, those who are wary of our behaviour and who may well brief against us. Since we can detect this promptly, we will take steps to isolate you from our victim. Not only that, we will smear you in a variety of ways
– You are jealous of what we and the victim have and we will invent conversations where that has been said;
– You made a pass at us even though you knew we were with your friend/sister/cousin etc. Once again this is fabricated but we do this with such conviction based on our knowledge and experience that the victim nearly always takes our word over that of somebody else
– You are trying to control the victim. A classic piece of projection where we suggest that you, as the intervening factor, are always seeking to control this person’s life. Of course you are only trying to do the right thing, but we shall paint this in a completely different light.
- We often select those victims who have suffered in some way previously. As a consequence, this means that the victim is ever so grateful to now have somebody as doting and kind as us. The very weakness which led to them suffering previously is exploited once again, causing them to cling tighter to us and to move away from you.
- Gullible. Most people are gullible. They wish to think well of people, they take people at face-value and this makes them vulnerable.
- Pre-empting. We identify that you are a troublemaker, someone who may try to thwart our ambitions with the victim. Accordingly, we tell the victim what we anticipate you will say about us. We may even admit to some of the things that we know you will say about us in order to demonstrate that we have nothing to hide. This endears us to our victim and also allows them to tell you, as their prospective freedom fighter, that we have already admitted to the allegation and explained why it happened. Thus the sting and heat is removed from your potential disclosure.
Faced with these hurdles, a determined and experienced opponent in us and a seemingly supine victim it is entirely understandable if you were to decide that there is no hope and you shall just have to let the matter run its course in the same way you would when you see your replacement being ensnared.
You have an advantage however.
This time you know the victim well. They know you well. They trust you.
Invariably you will only have one attempt to make them see the light. Repeated attempts to persuade them only causes you to play into our hands as the crazy-making and jealous best friend or the controlling parent.
Whereas your replacement will regard you with suspicion, the person you care about will at least listen to you. Much in the same way as dealing with a smear campaign you need to allow the victim to make their own decision. To that end you need to: –
- Explain the behaviours you have identified as problematic;
- Explain why you know them to be problematic (e.g. based on your own experience, material you have read)
- Explain you are stating this purely because you care and you respect that it is the person’s life so you are only going to mention it the once;
- Show to them independent material (in a succinct form) which shows how the various behaviour are narcissistic in nature and part of the seduction;
- Invite the person to flush our behaviour out by asking certain question (see the Exposed articles part one and two for more on this)
This approach may buy them time to question what is happening. This will give them the time to reflect and work it out for themselves. If they do not see it, repeating it will make no difference, the brainwashing has been effective already and you will end up alienating yourself.
By planting a seed of consideration, reflection and doubt, you may well cause this delay to the seduction to bring out a glimpse of our true selves from behind the mask, especially if the narcissist is a Lesser or Mid-Range. The challenge to their assumed flawless seduction, the hindrance to the otherwise predicted ensnarement and their lack of control compared to a Greater may well result in the mask slipping at an early juncture, the ignition of fury and evidence of us lashing out. That will be likely to be a clincher in allowing you to adopt a smug smile and declare,
“What did I tell you?”
You do have the chance to be a freedom fighter. The window of opportunity is slim and the odds are stacked against you, but you can succeed.
If you fail on the first attempt, do not labour the point. A second bite of the cherry will not prove fruitful and you will actually cripple your ability to assist the person you care about during devaluation. Instead, be ready to be there to catch this person when the golden period ends and the devaluation commences. You may have done enough to ensure that when the battle field alters when devaluation starts that you have more than a fighting chance to secure this person’s freedom then.
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27 thoughts on “Protecting Others From The Narcissist”
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HG,
This is simply a suggestion / request, time allowing. As another Covid Christmas approaches and likely a New Year lockdown here in the UK, I wanted just to ask you if it might be possible to release a video about how an empath could diffuse a narcissist in the short term. De escalation if you like.
I understand the advice is always to GOSO, which should of course be emphasised, but due to circumstances, should people find themselves locked into an escalating situation, I wondered if there was any advice you could give to help people keep themselves and their children safer in that scenario.
Your advice and expertise could prove to be life saving over this Christmas period.
As always, thank you for your kind consideration.
TS
How To Reduce Giving Fuel To A Narcissist.
HG,
I’ve just listened again to How To Reduce Giving Fuel To the Narcissist. You’re right, there are directions in there in terms of walking away, not gesticulating, level tone and expression that are helpful.
The video focusses on an ambush scenario when the victim and narcissist have already separated as opposed to pre separation. Perhaps there isn’t a great deal more that can be done to de escalate in the scenario where the two are in the same house and the narcissist is being verbally or physically abusive. I had hoped there might be a way to partially diffuse that. Wishful, rather than Emotional Thinking perhaps.
Thank you for your response HG.
You remove yourself, any attempt to diffuse continues the encounter with all of the downsides associated with that.
I see what you’re saying HG, there really is only one solution and that’s to get out of there.
Christmas is a really crap time for some people, it will be worse with restrictions. It’s playing on my mind I think.
Thank you again for the clarification.
TS, if I may make some suggestions. I’m going to preface this be saying that what I’m about to say goes against the fundamental principle of GOSO. Ideally, thats what we all should do.
In my opinion, the key is to not let it get to a point where it will escalate. Avoidance of igniting their fury is paramount. How do you do that? You have to let them think they are in control. You have to ignore the behaviors you don’t like. You can’t point them out. If the dishes need to done, just do them. Don’t ask them to do them. Try to minimize interactions. If they walk away, let them. Don’t chase after them. Once their fury is ignited, calming them down will be impossible, thats why you want to avoid enraging them in the first place.
Obviously this isn’t sustainable and I will reiterate that Mr. Tudor’s advice to get out and stay out is the best course of action.
Hey Leigh x
Thank you for your comment. Me too, I do understand what HG is driving at, the only safe place is where the narcissist isn’t. Any interaction or plan to diminish will still raise ET, risk additional consequences and result in a win for the narcissist.
For me, I always think that as long as I have my car keys and credit card then I could get out of any situation. I’m never trapped. I’ve always ring fenced my own finances. I do however recognise that that position is a fortunate one to be in. The idea of people being stuck in that situation, in the pressure cooker that is Christmas, bothers me a lot. You could argue though, that there is always somewhere to go, friends, relatives etc, and that’s true for most people I expect.
I think in the event where people have not yet made the decision to GOSO, or panic and feel trapped, your thoughts are very valid. Avoid any confrontation in the first place, get on and do, don’t respond to provocation as it simply isn’t worth the risk of escalation. Avoid and avoid as best you can.
I hope your Christmas goes well Leigh. In that, I hope you get to enjoy the company of friends and people you care about. Keeping my fingers crossed that any drama is kept to a minimum and you find some time to enjoy the festive season, even if that means just taking a walk and enjoying the Christmas lights.
Xx
Thank you TS. So far this holiday season has been calm. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue. I do enjoy my walks. I have to chuckle. You must have read my mind. I was just thinking the other day that I don’t get to enjoy the Christmas lights because its too cold to walk at night so I walk during the day at work.
When I answered this, I was concerned for Alison and any other victiim who can’t just get up and leave at a moments notice. Sometimes GOSO can’t be achieved immediately. I just wanted to give a little advice on how to navigate through it until GOSO can be achieved.
Leigh,
I am going to butt in here. I have several emotional reactions to this and I know you are saying that GOSO is the priority…
It’s just that this advice concerns me:
“Avoidance of igniting their fury is paramount. How do you do that?”
I understand where you are coming and your motivation is to keep people safe – I just don’t think there can be any guaranteed prediction of how and when narcissists respond with or without fury.
In the mirrored glass door incident with my mother, what triggered her fury was my announcement that I had found myself a super cool (and affordable) art studio to rent. One would think a parent would be happy for their child in that scenario…so not what happened…
You are 100% accurate, Who Cares. There have been many times I didn’t see it coming either. I gave that advice because I was thinking about Alison and that little baby she has. I just wanted to protect her and that baby. Devaluation started 4 months after the baby was born and he has progressed to getting physical. I’m scared for her. The truth is she needs to leave but she might not have anywhere to go or maybe she doesn’t even want to leave. I just wanted to try to give her a little advice on how to how to avoid an altercation.
WhoCares, hmmm, RE: when you ‘announced’ you had found somewhere else to live and the ‘reaction’. It was a different reaction from muvver – it was “Let’s talk about this”, indicating to the lounge, I said ‘No’ and carried on packing (LOL). The following week, I was gone……it was one of the best decisions of my life 🙂 Yes, I agree, a parent should be happy for their child and be very supportive. I was effectively ‘removing’ residual benefits (paying towards mortgage etc) and fuel. I remember my excitement at ‘breaking free’ 🙂
I think this will be good for Allison. I hope she sees this and she’s still on the blog
Hi there. Thanks so much for your concern! Due to a bizarre reversal of events that occurred at my husband’s birthday party, I am once again “painted white” and his female friend (likely an IPSS) who made a scene there is now the evil one in his book, and I am in the midst of a golden (gilded would be more accurate I guess, once you know what lies beneath) period. While my husband has been downright jovial, he also monopolizes most of my free time now that he is no longer seeing the IPSS, so I have less time to spend here. I’ve also been spending time working on my narc detector questionnaire and busy with the holidays in general. But I know that it’s important to keep coming here, as it’s easy for emotional thinking to come back when things are “well”. I know I can’t just brush everything off. I’ll pop in here as often as possible. Thank you for thinking of me, and I hope you all have a very enjoyable holiday season!
Alison, I’m glad you responded. You are now experiencing a respite period but there’s no guarantee how long that will last. If the female friend becomes painted white again, you will be painted black again. My advice was just a temporary band aid. You really need to plan your escape. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to come home immediately. If you get a chance, please look at Mr. Tudor’s analysis of Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie.
You can only really help those who help themselves. I am currently estranged from two of my brothers-in-law. Hmm…my sisters are also empaths. Go figure.
People need to feel it! So best is to choose sides with the narc and against your friend or family member. So become a member of his or her coterie,assist in de smearing, devaluation and so on. All for the purposes to wake them up the most effective so the healing process can start the fastest. Lets face it,as an empath we’re here to heal,NOT to make friends! And don’t forget to say, ‘I told you so!’
When you finally realise what you are dealing with and leave..
I felt very ashamed. If any of my friends would have told me ‘I told your that’ it would only have added to the feelings of shame.
I perfer ‘you can do this and if you need anything I’m here’
vandenboss:
I hope you’re using reverse psychology here.
Its best if things are left to sort out on their own! The dynamics you have covered are spot on especially flipping the narrative making victim the actual narcissist!
A very dear friend of mine was ensnared. It was damn obvious to me because of what I have learned. I told her I think your man in a narcissist. Don’t take my word for it. Research it yourself and come to your own conclusion. She didn’t talk to me for 4 months after I said that!
Then one day she called me sobbing. “How did you know?” I was able to tell her exactly what to do and pointed her to HGs work. She is happily married now to a wonderful man. YOU HAVE TO TELL THE PERSON even if it hurts.
H.G., why would you give away such information? It goes against your definition of narcisism, which you declare yourself to be
No, it does not.
Not really. I recently had a friend thank me for the books I gave her. She’s still recovering from her messy divorce and her ex’s machinations (shady lawyers, dividing the family), but I have no doubt that she will buy copies for the next victim. If she lends her own and they fail to return them, she will be replacements for herself.
In this case, the Devil is not only quoting but even utilizing Scripture. HG casts his bread upon the waters, and it comes back to him buttered.
Violetta, “HG casts his bread upon the waters, and it comes back to him buttered”. That is really good, LOL.
Not original with me. The mother of Gypsy Rose Lee and June Hovac said it. She was the Über-Stage Mother of all time, and a narc from hell.
Looking back I probably did it wrong ( I kept repeating the warning signs) but I got everything right. Sometimes you just have to let things work out on their own