The False Exaggeration of the Victim



We would struggle without those twin helpers of exaggeration and embellishment as we make our mediocre achievements impressive and our decent accomplishments spectacular. Good for all occasions, a healthy and liberal sprinkling of exaggeration makes us far more appealing and alluring. Embellishing what I have done ensures I look far better than you and means that I remain the superior individual. Like salt and pepper at meal times, exaggeration and embellishment are never far from our kind. We make everything bigger, better, bolder, brighter and more brilliant. We love to magnify and multiply in order to convey just how great we are, yet, generous souls that our kind are it would not be fair if we did not allow you an opportunity to be seen to exaggerate and embellish, to make a mountain out of a mole hill and blow things out of proportion. Of course, when we provide this opportunity to you, it has none of the self-aggrandizing effects of our behaviour for ourselves but it used as an opportunity to make you seem hysterical, unreliable and someone who is trying to pin the blame on us unfairly. We use exaggeration to inflate what we are but also as a means of attacking you. Here are twenty examples of using exaggeration and embellishment to undermine you.

  1. You are  always hypersensitive
  2. You always over think what has happened
  3. You always read too much into what I say
  4. You are always paranoid
  5. You always  see things which are not there
  6. You always make things up up
  7. You always have to be melodramatic don’t you?
  8. You always make out your are iller than you are
  9. You always over react
  10. You always make a fuss over nothing.
  11. You always lose your sense of perspective.
  12. You always take things too far at times
  13. You always go over the top with things
  14. You always press the panic button too soon
  15. You always make something out of nothing
  16. You always respond in a disproportionate manner
  17. You always get over excited about things
  18. You always lose your sense of proportion
  19. You always put two and two together and making eight
  20. You always jump to conclusions


When you hear these comments being made by us, you should become aware that we are using such a comment to deflect what you are saying by trying to trivialise it by suggesting you are exaggerating its effect or importance. The use of phrases such as these are stock tells by us that you have landed a blow against us and we need to reduce its impact promptly. The easiest way to do this is to not only diminish the import of what you have said but then to make you question your own behaviour by making the conversation about you, rather than us. This will also provoke you by frustrating you. You are being denied the opportunity to advance your agenda and this will increase your emotional response. This not only gives us fuel, it also means that you lose sight of your point as you are derailed by conducting the discussion in a logical fashion as you are pushed by us into the territory of emotion. Once emotion has taken hold of your thinking we are far abler to exploit this to our advantage. Recognise these comments and understand their significance when you are engaging with our kind so you are able to withdraw from or neutralise their effect.

15 thoughts on “The False Exaggeration of the Victim

  1. Poison says:

    “You always take things too far at times” is my (least) favourite. It’s insidiously impossible to argue with a statement so simultaneously absolute and open-ended.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      It’s really beneath us to argue with a statement so contradictory that it uses “always” and “at times” in the same sentence, but oh how we rise to the occasion when we are thinking emotionally haha.

      My first thought was to calmly respond: “Well I always have to go far at times to rescue any intelligence in statements you make such as that”. Then stand back and watch the wheels turn.

      I know. Better to walk away (but not as much fun).

      1. WhoCares says:

        “Better to walk away (but not as much fun).”

        Haha NA!

      2. Duchessbea says:

        Totally agree NA. Also very much agree with your comments in Why the Narc downgrades.

  2. Alison says:

    All of these are all too familiar

  3. A Victor says:

    Reading this list still gives me nausea and goosebumps, 12 years after the fact.

    1. Rebecca says:

      All of these I’ve heard from my narcissistic mother. I even went NC with her for a year, it ended when she got into a car accident with a drunk driver. She never did fully recover from that car accident. I was never able to mend our relationship, it was always strained and awkward. She would try to hug me and I would either shut down and wait out the hug or move away from her.

      HG, Why did she try to hug me?? Why did she tell my husband, in front of me, that she gave me a concussion when I was 6? What was her agenda?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        1. The hug is a benign manipulation designed to control you and draw fuel from you. Her narcissism selected this as a deemed appropriate response at that precise moment.
        2. She was triangulating in order to control both you and your husband and draw fuel.

        1. Rebecca says:

          She used the hugs to control me because she knew they made me uncomfortable, so she got control from my discomfort and fuel too most likely, yes? Control = my discomfort ?

          She used triangulation by ignoring me , while addressing my husband . I knew she was doing something there,but I totally was naive as to what she was doing. It still blows my mind.

          Her dad was abusive to her growing up, she told me a few times. She also said he used to hit my grandmother and my Uncle. I never knew him, he died a few days after I was born. My cousin, my uncles daughter, said he was nice to his grandkids, aka her,her sister and my brother, but he was hateful to his wife and kids.

          I’m just glad I never knew him, I would have punched him in the nose for hitting my grandmother! Even if I had to get a damn ladder! I’d be like, stay there. I’ll be right back….*drags step ladder down the hall* …scrap…scrappp…shuffle…shuffle…

          Thanks HG, for answering and clarifying for me what my mother was doing. 🙃❤

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, RE: “She used the hugs to control me because she knew they made me uncomfortable, so she got control from my discomfort and fuel too most likely, yes? Control = my discomfort ?”

            From my personal experience, I’d say ‘yes’, it was control (and fuel, the knowledge of having that control) – muvver ‘learned’ that through her own children (me & sister), not from her own childhood. Why do I suggest that? Because her sisters were / are not like her, nor was her own mother.

            RE: your words “I enjoy hugs, giving and receiving, just not from her….anyone, but her”- that is how I felt. I knew I felt like that, understood it in the perspective I grew up knowing why I felt like that. I understand it even more now. Having said that, I very rarely felt the ‘shudder’ response until I read your words about it (hugs / her).

            Now, when HG has shared that is what he feels when he talks about ‘hugs’ – I can totally relate to that now. It is so understandable. I used to feel nauseous when it came to ‘her’ hugging me. Ugh.

      2. A Victor says:

        Hi Rebecca, I can relate. My mom used hugs, I hate them from all but my children and grandchildren still. They make me literally nauseous because they take me right back to her and feeling trapped and smothered. Worst feeling ever.

        1. Rebecca says:


          I enjoy hugs,giving and receiving, just not from her….anyone,but her…within reason…
          Like you, I felt trapped and suffocated with her hugging me. In comparison, my dad giving me a hug, felt like warm sunshine on a spring day, just soak it all in and sigh with contentment as nothing can reach me,but that warm, safe feeling….safe in his arms…
          It makes me sad that my recent narcissist made me feel that way, safe and warm…..what a false warmth that was….that hurts….shit….sorry….thanks for understanding how my mother’s hug felt. 🙃❤

          1. A Victor says:

            Rebecca, I am so glad for you that your mom didn’t run hugging for you! And that your dad was so good! Mine was a narc, he didn’t hug really ever. I loved him but it was a rough relationship too. But I’m happy for you!!

        2. Rebecca says:

          I’m sorry you had both narcissist parents, must have been double awful for you and your sister. 💔 I can’t imagine not having my dad. Did you have Aunt’s? Uncles? Other adults for support??
          When I got older, like 12yrs old, I also leaned on friends for support. I hope you found some support while you were growing up. Your sister must have been there for you, I hope. Xoxo

          1. A Victor says:

            Rebecca, it did suck, I won’t lie but it’s okay now. I am the oldest, I have a brother also, and sadly I wasn’t there for them as much as they needed. I think my brother is an empath and my sister a narc, they both left pretty much as soon as they became adults and have virtually never come back. My sister didn’t even come to our dad’s funeral and my brother did but left half way through it. The fact that they both made this choice has helped me overcome some of the cognitive dissonance, what I experienced wasn’t just all in my head. So they helped me immensely by that choice. Thank you for your comment, no need to feel bad though, I’m getting better all the time.

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