Needing Release

Add-a-heaNEEDINGding

 

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you.

In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it.

It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me.

It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you.

Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you.

There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming.

They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say.

Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like.

You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up.

Go, go now and leave me alone.

Please. Just do it. Move on.

You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms.

Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is.

How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy.

Go.

14 thoughts on “Needing Release

  1. Savoy Truffle says:

    I can’t tell if the narrator here is the narcissist or the victim. So much of this is what goes through my mind regarding my ex. Because he hasn’t moved on. We broke up two years ago and he still talks like we’re in a relationship. (I never went NC for various reasons. Maybe some day.) He’s had some (temporary) fuel sources but no primary partner, no one who provides the sort of consistent supply I used to give him in better days. So I guess he is still looing to me for fuel. He doesn’t know how to keep a relationship, and he doesn’t know how to end one!

    1. Joa says:

      ST, it is typical.

      “Mine N” came back after 13 years without contact with me and without contact with our child.

      And he also continued to talk as if we were in a relationship 🙂 Although, at the same time he was stressing, how much he is on NO.

      In a way, as long as we let them talk, some form of “relationship” continues.

      For me, the narrator is a Narcissist. Although, many of these thoughts are also mine.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      ST
      Perhaps that is intentional? There are a number of articles that can be read in either voice (narcissist or target). It is interesting that over time, and with what you learn here, how you can read the same article and hear it in a completely different voice than your initial read.

    3. PeteSpiers says:

      It seems like an empath at first, but obviously he has a girlfriend while still living with his ‘love’ so its a narcissist.
      The way it sounds like an empath at first is how narcissists know exactly what you are thinking by reading your face and body language etc. So it is mirroring.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Hahahahaha. Such is the power of knowledge! Local shop, the “hoover” guy ‘snuffling’ for fuel. Says ‘hello’ (beaming in the process). He “knows” (partly automatic response as a customer service provider / through learned behaviours / instinctual) how to obtain positive fuel. I’d waved instead of voicing anything, neither smiled at him (my ‘waving’ was acknowledgement he exists but at the same time, you’ve had ‘fuel’, now fk off). Did my shopping. As I am at the counter to pay, he’s hanging around but I am not looking at him (served by someone else). As I move to the exit, he’s there. Again, ‘snuffling’ for fuel. Guess what? He didn’t get any, I purposely look into another direction (avoiding eye contact in the process), pretended not to ‘hear’ him. I wasn’t being rude. He’s already had a ‘dollop’ of fuel as I had entered the shop. He was being a greedy pig. And, I know that he will “avoid” me the next time I go in because he’s been wounded today. It is something I have become aware of (LOL). It is also the freedom of ‘choice’, to give, or not to give and today, I did both (LOL). Next time, I don’t “have” to. Hence, the power of knowledge AND the ‘power’ :-). I am a delighted little empath, achievement indeed. Woo hoo!

    1. Joa says:

      AV, he’ll tell himself, you did it on purpose (it’s true, actually). So, if you were ignoring he on purpose, it means, he was absorbing you in some way. So you are not indifferent (e.g. you despise or he irritate you).
      So, he will feel the power 🙂

      Next time, he will ignore you and won’t see you. He make you feel uncomfortable and to keep you intrigued and occupied with your thoughts.

      Ignoring by N is a good tactic to “touch” empath. What he does not give you, that you want. Fortunately, we can use this for our website – not expect or pay attention. As long as he doesn’t react, he doesn’t exist.

      Damn, I’m writing again like N. They twisted my brain 🙂

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hello Joa, I do not “want” anything from the shop manager. Yeah, he can tell himself whatever he likes, it will not bother me either way. He has never been negative towards me. Only ever “polite”, or ‘avoiding’ because I ‘ignored’ him previously (LOL). I am neither ‘intrigued’, nor ‘occupied’ by this guy, I was simply sharing a ‘typical’ experience with someone that I am aware of but do not know personally. His wife rarely works there herself, she is really nice actually. Over a 10 year period, you ‘notice’ people who work in the same place when you don’t work there yourself – it is interesting to notice how they treat you, or other customers – whether it is the same, or different ‘treatment’. It is very revealing (I am laughing as I type this ;-)). Good to hear from you, Joa 🙂

        1. Joa says:

          AV, I laughed at myself. I thought, you dedicated this note to him, because it is your ex 🙂

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Joa, that shop manager is not even an ex of mine 🙂 It is a really small shop! 🙂

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Partial comment 16th March “And, I know that he will “avoid” me the next time I go in because he’s been wounded today”……….

      Woo HOO!! Shop manager guy did not come out of his ‘bolt-hole’ (the office) to hoover……how on earth did I know?!?!

  3. Asp Emp says:

    https://narcsite.com/2016/05/04/set-me-free/#comment-11904

    Reading the words “I feel the same exact pain and awfulness in my stomach” – this ‘sensation’ can ‘remain’ for a long time even after one escapes (or is discarded) unless one obtains the education to know what this ‘pain’ is and understand how to deal with the addiction to narcissism. It is a horrible sensation to have.

    In my case, I do not recall exactly when my ‘pain’ went but it can also be very dangerous as it can cause someone to reach their lowest depths as if their own ‘creature’ was ‘swallowing’ them whole. Likened to being ‘vacuumed’ into yourself to the point where you start drowning and cannot breathe (almost like panic attacks, suffocation). I know I ‘reached’ that point many times during severe anxiety moments.

    Not having someone around to help ‘ease’ such moments of anxiety can be scary for a child / young person who does not necessarily have the understanding to what they are dealing with (anxiety attack) because of a LOCE at that moment. A child, more often than not, is not able (powerless) to ‘avoid’ that LOCE yet may ‘learn’ what that LOCE is. The ‘principle’ of a child experiencing ***abuse in a LOCE is the same for all children but they may ‘experience’ it and ‘react’ to it differently. Abuse is abuse.

    *** it may not necessarily be actual ‘abuse’ but the presence of an abuser that can cause similar LOCE ‘moments’ – being ‘returned’ to the lack of control then.

    It is so easy to be ‘transported’ to the “lack of control then” moment but it is how you ‘respond / react’ to it (learning to manage the ET / LT).

    I am actually now ‘released’ from the past. Such a liberating ‘peaceful’ mindset, just by knowing as such.

  4. Joa says:

    Beautiful text! Thank you HG. I enjoyed reading slowly.

    This text took me away from reality. Immersed me in “our” world. He calmed my thoughts and relaxed my body.

    It means a lot to me.

    —————–

    I hope, he is fine. I would like to convey to him at least some of the peace, I feel now.

    —————–

    Despite this madness and the enormity of the pain, that is all around, it crawls and wants me to start twitching.

    If only I could explode and shoot my energy, to paralyze it all and stop it, erase the harm, restore the radiance to tearful eyes and comfort fear…

    But I am only human. A grain of sand. Pity.

    Forward. Together. Forward. Let that scarab, still enlarging its dung ball, begin to melt in the sand.

  5. Pingback: Needing Release - Dark Triad Personality
  6. spleen spent. says:

    Love is freedom. Fear is control. I would refuse to have someone stay with me for a second, if they feel controlled. That isn’t a relationship. Clarity, communication, understanding & comprehension must present itself .You may attempt to control a person’s exterior, that’s about the extent of it. Fear is excitement, whichever way you look at it. You won’t die of fear….trust me, I should have died from it last year, yet my heart is strong & I have learned that I somehow possess nerves of steel. I digress…souls meld, they come together & they move without ever really parting from their other half. Its the soul that matters; souls will ever lie to you, they will ever hurt you, they will feel you within their heart & will love me for me & I for you (technically speaking, of course). The mind is there to make sense of it all, so that your sexiness’ will concur within quick succession. Sorry to say, HG; our souls refuse to submit to a false soul fully, you know that it won’t stay, unless you choose to & that is where freedom truly lies. Yet, when the soul is satisfied, it will stay & will reach out to others. As a lady, I must tell you that you will accomplish zero with indecision & attempting to play out. Should a person decided to do this, the all is lost. When you get a guy or a gal that you can’t let go, don’t. If he or she makes you so happy, that’s great…jetting is just stupid, as that would appear illogical. It’s really, really all that simple & YOUR choice. With the lady’s choice as well. Ying & yang.

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