Impregnable. I must remain impregnable. It is fundamental to my existence that I am impregnable. Impregnable to any threat to my control. Impregnable to the disruption to my fuel provision. Impregnable to anything which slows, hinders or prevents me from achieving the Prime Aims. I must always remain impregnable.

Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature.

The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could. That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However, as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me.

I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care. They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions; these two examiners of HG exhibited empathic traits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence.

I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved. I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness. Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum.

They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being; I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”


“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”


“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”


“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”


“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”


I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.


When HG Met the Narcissists 

What Are The Prime Aims?


7 thoughts on “Impregnable

  1. Lucycita says:

    Why all this feeling of relief after the doctor’s withdrawal HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is not really relief, but rather the sensation one gets from the nullification of a threat to control, but I describe it as relief in order to help you understand by reference to an emotion which is familiar to you so as to not lose the “thrust” of the article. If I started writing in terms as I have just done above, it would distract from the point of the article.

      In essence, the sensation I experience is a response to the nullification of the threat to control.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        HG, what you describe in this comment is a prime example to why your work works for me (and I am sure many other people).

        The nullification to a threat to control would result in “relief” for a narcissist. When that control has been “regained” that gnawing sensation of the ‘creature’ is quietened.

        Similarly to the emotions and, maybe, thoughts of ie fear; anxiety for those who have emotional empathy. When that fear / anxiety / sadness etc has been “nullified” (reduced; alleviated; removed), the individual who experienced that ‘moment’ = relief.

        This sort of ‘equational’ (like for like, but it actually is not like for like because it is different) example works for me in aiding my understanding because of the way my brain works.

        So, in explaining / discussing this as an example with a child could be a way of understanding a child’s neurological pathways and whether emotional empathy is present – as long as the professional / parent has this kind of information to hand.

        In saying this, emotional empathy cannot be taught if it is not present within an individual, but, maybe, cognitive empathy can be taught but it does not necessarily mean an individual could / would “apply” it, because it depends if the individual is a narcissist (the instinctual response to the need for control and fuel), or has some other neurodiversity (ie due to GPD psychological pathways).

        Thank you for you work and variable education style, HG. It is very rare that such a provision is delivered with so many different angles of looking at one perception whereas most teachers / trainers may have one or two ‘angles’ because lateral / analytical thinking is not always applied.

  2. Nat says:

    Relevance. Of this topic is insightful also intriguingly inspirational..
    We are many things to many different beings in which we utilize on a regular bases in order to accomplish our aims.
    While most believe they are utilizing us blind to the truth.
    We all utilize each other to fulfill our personal agendas.
    Even the empath utilizes others.
    Empaths also only divulge the characteristics they want revealed.
    Few and far are the individuals that can accept all facades of an individual while humanity openly welcomes the positive attributes. One presents they’ll hypocritically berate those whom openly display or divulge their negitive attributes.
    We all have both!
    Most empaths will embrace and tolerate all attributes of an individual,
    It’s the Narc that will dance around the truth of it all.
    As H.G reiterates it varies according to the school and cadre.

    As Empaths we have to learn the balance of our empathic and Narcissistic attributes.
    Too much of either is unattractive.
    Unhealthy for us.
    The oldest form of meditation the monks use as well as the Buddhist.
    Is still the most effective way to regulate emotions once an empath learns appropriate emotion regulation. The Balance of logical thinking and emotional thinking their lives will change.
    This doesn’t mean your Narc free..,
    You will recognize the Narc’s around you.

    1. Joa says:

      Nat! So much in line with my views (except for Buddhism, which bores me). 😀
      It was wonderful to read it!
      Thank you.

  3. Joa says:

    The title itself arouses my interest. It encourages to “conquering”, “acquiring” and “acquiring”… and yet another attempt to “conquer” 🙂

    “My N” kept doing this to me.

    It is attractive, even if the person realizes it.

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