The Narcissist and The Power of Pain



My mind has always applied itself to how I can exert control over other people. I understand now that it commenced doing this unconsciously, that is the very nature of narcissism. However, I also gained an awareness of how fundamental power is to me, how I need it, how I want it and how I can use it. I recognised that having power made me feel powerful, immense, gargantuan in presence and application and that I could not stand to be without it. Of course this all stemmed from my utter need (like all of my kind) for control at all times. I did not know of this particular need initially.

It is clear I developed an unconscious need for control and power. Unlike most of my kind, this then evolved into a conscious need for control and power and thus allied with a natural lack of empathy, immense intelligence and sadistic streak I took notice of the ways in which I could actively and purposefully achieve control and power.

This control had to be over everything – the environment around me and of course that meant the people within that environment.

I had to control people. I absolutely had to.

By applying control I get them to do what I want and this will enable me to obtain fuel from them. I witnessed at an early stage the power of pain and this formed in my mind an indelible reason to utilise it in order to gain and maintain control.

I do not recall precisely how old I was but I do recall that I had not yet started secondary school so I must have been under the age of twelve. There was a group of us children that played together and it was during a particular summer that we had been engaged in some kind of game in the fields near to where we all lived. The fields and the small river which ran through them with the occasional copse made for an exciting environment in which we could play out invented games. From battles between armies, to tales of fantasy involving orcs and elves through to pretending to be astronauts on an undiscovered planet, we made full use of the space that we were afforded.

I recall that one hot afternoon we had been engaged in a game which involved a battle and one of our group, a boy called Jonathan had been the general. He was not very good and he had made a series of stupid decisions that meant our side lost the battle. I was determined not to lose the war and I proposed that I should now be the general and it should be me who organised our troops. He was a whiny child who began to bleat about how I was often the general and it was his turn today. He explained his turn was to last all day. I grew irritated by his desire to remain in place as the general and a calamitous one at that. How dare he assume the mantle of greatness when it was patently clear that he was not up to the task? How dare he lead us to slaughter and defeat? I was not happy but despite my protests he would not stand down. The other side had long since departed across the other side of the fields and were awaiting the shot for battle to be joined. Our troops had been dispatched to various locations leaving just Jonathan and I at the rear. I was furious with him. My rage at his idiocy was burning inside of me and as he stood on the rock from which the general always directed our troops, since it afforded a good view across the meadow I moved besides him. With a violent shove I pushed him from the rock and he fell into a clump of stinging nettles that had grown next to the rock. He howled in pain as the first stings took effect and wearing a t-shirt and shorts, his exposed limbs and face fell prey to the vicious stings of the nettles. He cried out and jumped up trying to move free of the nettles but as he neared the edge I gave him another shove and sent him tumbling back into the midst of them causing him to cry out again. With tears streaming down his face and arms showing the welts from the repeated stings he tried to emerge again and once more I pushed him back into the stinging nettles. I did this again and then once again until with face red and swollen he decided against trying to get past me and stumbled through the nettles, wincing and whimpering as he took another route. I watched him leave until all that could be heard was his juddering sobbing. I climbed onto the rock and from there took control of our troops and directed them to a stunning victory.

Jonathan’s father later attended at our house. I saw him striding up the path with Jonathan in tow, his father incandescent with anger. I stood at the top of the stairs and listened as he thundered and shouted but he did not breach our porch. My mother barred his way and I could not hear her voice but I knew that she would be keeping him in his place with her steely tones and flinty looks. Eventually Jonathan and his father walked away back down the path and I watched their family retreat for the second time that day.

There was no punishment from my mother. Nothing was said to me at all. In her usual fashion she had dealt with the matter. I know not what she said but she made no mention of it to me. This was her way of dealing with such matters.

I continued to play with the group and with Jonathan. Every time he looked at me I could see the pain in his eyes just as I had that day when I had pushed him repeatedly into the stinging nettles. He never asked to be general again and was always the first to suggest that I be appointed as leader of our troops. He had experienced pain doled out by me and he knew what to do thereafter. I also knew what power could be derived from such pain. It was a lesson in learning an instrument of manipulation.

I was learning. Pain equalled power.

I was finally righting the wrongs and power was THE instrument by which this would be achieved.

17 thoughts on “The Narcissist and The Power of Pain

  1. Anna says:

    Sadly my favourite dentist has left the dental practise. My new dentist is of course excellent, but she is not like my old one.

    I needed a filling. My old dentist, she asked me if we could try without an anaesthetic. She then proceeded to use a metal mouth clamp to keep my mouth open. I never have had one of those before. I had no control, unable to close my mouth. She told me to raise my hand if I was in too much pain then proceeded to drill deep into my molar tooth. The pain shot up my spine and into my brain stem. It was like an electric pulse. A bizarre electrical sensation, almost pleasurable. She kept watching my hand, but concentrated on the filling. Then she looked up and stared between my legs. Was a bizarre experience. After the filling was complete, I felt a bit light headed. The dental assistant her eyes were wide eyed and she looked she was in shock.

    As I am interested in medicine, I recently visited the Anatomy Exibition with a good friend. This is where they plastinate the bodies of people who have passed. I had a bizarre experience there. As we entered there were 2 skeletons. One was almost perfect, he even had gold fillings, he stood proudly there. He was tall….beautiful teeth. I felt a presence in him looking down at me “I am a GOD, look at me preserved for eternity, watch me in all my beauty.” The second skeleton was incredibly sad. He had a disease which only effected males, his spine bent over so he could not walk properly. All his teeth were missing. His jaw opened as if screaming in pain. Both skeletons next to each other and they felt so different. All I felt was pain from the second one. That poor man suffering all his life with this terrible disease.

  2. Lin 44 says:

    I appreciate reading these blogs posts about the different experiences that caused you to discover the various aspects of narcissism. I’ve been reading and watching videos for quite a while now, and still have a ways to go. There just isn’t enough time in the day, as I want to fully process how and why your kind does things…but I am getting there!

    I will be getting the book on Fuel to understand more thoroughly. I feel like I am missing a link that would bring it all together and make it click. It’s hard to grasp 1 out of 6 people walking around as con men, manipulating for fuel, etc..esp. when you think of the celebrities, etc.. – to think that none of them know what the true feeling of happiness is and they are putting on fake smiles, etc. really mind blowing. I mean, I know that the feeling of power can be similar to happiness. But I don’t follow how a narcissist doesn’t want to be exposed, yet they don’t feel guilt, etc. I am sure it’s covered in other material, I think I have 200 more videos to watch I think I have watched hundreds already..

    Would love to hear more about the child/teenager and how they behave when developing narcissism. EX: if the trauma has to happen between the ages of 1-9, does that mean at age 9 and 1/2, the child has already instinctively begun to practice assertions of control, etc?. I think if I can understand how an infant/toddler begins to develop a facade, etc..then it will help tie everything together.

    And it’s also a bit baffling that the out of control environment can be from a child being abused as well as one who was put on a pedestal and had everything given to them. Did those spoiled children feel happiness at one point, until the narcissism got baked in?

    Anyway, thank you for all of this info you are sharing. I will be studying this topic till the end of the year, at least. It’s clear that narcissism is the cause of much of my past drama, and I never had a label for why so many people seemed so difficult to deal with.

  3. katyyyy says:

    Hello HG. I think some empaths have the ability to spot a narcissist but they don’t use it, because they don’t trust their intuition. Our intuition always wants best for us but we don’t wanna hear it. The best way is to be aware of our feelings and of course know the warning signs and red flags .As an empath, Sometimes I feel that it is too much emotions for me. It is too much to bear. I really feel emotions of other people. When they are angry I start feeling it and I become angry too or I am filled with remorse because I wonder why are they angry and what did I do. It is really hard especially at work, because there are many narcissists in workplace. Sometimes I wonder how would it like to me a narcissist or a psychopath. On the one hand it would be MUCH BETTER not to feel emotions of other people but just understand them logically. But on the other hand I think that narcissists also have difficulties in life because of their kind of personality. Have a nice day HG. 😀

  4. Joa says:

    Right now I’m drinking nettle tea.

    This year we collected and dried so many young nettles, that there will be enough until next spring.

  5. k mac says:

    When I was very young I was at a daycare center. I remember wanting to hurt the babies that were there. I thought how unfair that there lives are so different, better. Why should they not hurt when I feel so much pain? Why should they get a leg up on life and not me? Why should they be meet with kisses, hugs and I missed you today? My mom picked me up with the attitude of I’m exhausted from work and now I have to deal with the likes of you. I went home to lord know what. I knew at a very young age that I wasn’t receiving the same treatment as other children and I wanted to level the playing field so to speak. Is this were your malice comes from?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. k mac says:

        I would love for you to expand on that HG. I suppose if you wanted to you would have.

      2. Contagious says:

        HG I don’t know where to post. My 19 year old daughter called me crying. 33 states have illegalities abortion. Kansas in the case of incest or rape. Can you imagine a 12 year old raped and incest girl facing jail maybe execution for an illegal abortion? I cried when Trump won and this was my prediction. Our Supreme Court planted by Trump who was a puppet to Koch and the others to appoint a political court unheard of and against most Americans desires. Now we see it. They are there for life. It is disgusting and a result of narcs. The poor will suffer the most and in this overpopulated world, the children. All I can say to the US Supreme Court is I hope future rape victims carry guns as freely as you want them too. Sick. Sick. Sick. Our country is one of barbarians. Ignorance. Back to mdeval times. Even if I would make a different choice and have, a woman has a right to her body. Please HG write on this. Narcs and antisocials won today

      3. Anna says:

        It has nothing to do with others. It is all about power and complete control.

      4. Anna says:

        It’s not about others. It’s all about power and control.

    2. Alexissmith2016 says:

      Wow K Mac, that’s incredible that you were so perceptive at such a young age. I feel incredibly naive by comparison. I never really noticed what other people had or didn’t have compared to me, I just assumed everyone else had a similar experience. It took me far longer to realise.

      1. k mac says:

        I think that was what prevented me from becoming a narcissist. I realized at a young age that my parents were in the wrong. I grew up and matured. I stopped blaming innocent people for the hand they are dealt in life. It is no more their fault then it was mine.

    3. k mac says:

      Their lives uggggg

    4. Viol. says:

      K mac:

      I think you’ve just described GrinchLady.

      It only added to her resentment that Miss Minchin’s day care from hell was attached to a corporate center, where the majority of the parents had desk jobs, while she, as she occasionally mentioned, grew up on a farm with no air conditioning. Never mind that when i was a kid, only my mother had an air conditioner because of her hay fever, and the rest of us used window fans, or that in winter, we wore layers in our Victorian house because cranking up the creaky old radiators would only do so much: in her mind, all yuppies had central air and heat.

  6. Anna says:

    This sounds very much like Alpha Male behaviour, or even Sigma male in this case. I remember situations like this at school as well. As a child I was playing with a group of children when a boy tripped me up and pushed me so I fell face down onto the ground. The side of my face hitting the ground, skin being scraped off. Was a nasty scratch indeed. I remember the pain. The boy who was about 8 or 9 at the time watched me as I stood up. I looked at him, and I asked why he had done it. He was silent, he just observed. I ran to my friend who told me to tell a teacher. I did, the teacher asked him too. Again silence. No reaction. I will never forget him just watching me, and how I reacted. I remember the same boy also stood up for me as well, which I find very bizarre. I came to school with bruises on my face from fighting with one of my male siblings. The same boy asked me what had happened, then proceeded to start bullying my brother who had done this to me. It was bizarre. I had forgotten about this incident until I read this blog entry “The Power of Pain”.

    1. Duchessbea says:

      Anna, he liked you. DB

      1. Anna says:

        As I am a “guest” and not registered, I am unable to see who liked my comments. Thank you DB for the information. I hope you are well. Take care of yourself.

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