Emotional Thinking Blinds – Fly on the Windscreen
You know how much I like to drive my car. It is an impressive vehicle. It is fast, attractive and demonstrates to the world beyond just how superior I am to other road users as I surge past them with just the slightest pressure on the accelerator. Cocooned inside this metal shell I race from place to place in order to carry out my engagements. Gathering fuel in this place, ensuring a devaluation is doled out in that place and dropping by at the other place to open the passenger door and tempt you to clamber back in to the passenger seat with a winning smile and a reassurance that last time was a mistake. You remember last time don’t you?
When I took you along the motorway and then dumped you there leaving you with a long walk back. How could you forget? You still have the blisters and the aching legs haven’t you? Well, climb in and allow me to ease your suffering. I promise I won’t leave you in the middle of the motorway again, distraught and facing a lengthy walk home. No, I am sorry about that.
Why did I do that? Let’s not get into all that now, there is plenty to see andI would rather show you how good I can be than go over that old ground again. That was in the past and we both need to move on if we are going to make this work. I pat the leather seat invitingly as you hover by the passenger door. You look at it with a mixture of longing and wariness.
“You need to hurry up if you are getting in, there are plenty of others who want to sit there,”I observe as I look over your shoulder. You spin around and see several people, mainly women but some men, advancing towards you along the motorway. They are running and as they get nearer you can hear them shouting as they plead for me to wait. You stand for an instant and watch the nearing mob, limbs flailing as they hurtle towards us.
“They will soon be on you and they will trample you into the ground in order to get into here,” I warn.
This jolts you into action and you get into the car, slamming the door closed and pressing the lock button.
“Go, go!” you urge as the admiring mob gets ever closer. I smile to myself as I press down on the accelerator and we drive away leaving the disappointed mob stood in a cloud of dust and exhaust fumes as they watch you and I race away across the empty motorway ahead of us. I turn and look at you and already I can see that you feel comfortable as you sink into the luxury of the passenger seat. You have slipped your worn down and scuffed shoes off allowing your sore and blistered feet to sink into the thick carpet which lines your side of the car. I hear you give a little sigh of contentment as your tilt your head back.
“Always feels good to get back in this car doesn’t it?” I ask.
You nod and reach out a hand towards me touching me on the arm.
“It is a beautiful day,” I remark as I nod my head towards the windscreen. You give a little gasp as the clouded horizon which existed only a few moments ago has somehow vanished and you are staring at the bright blue sky and a golden, blazing sun.
“Where did that come from?” you wonder aloud and look at me. I say nothing but let you reach your own conclusion about how everything is always better when you are with me.
“Are you thirsty? You look parched,” I comment and motion to a drink held in one of the cup holders next to you. You pick it up and suck the cool, delicious liquid through the straw as I continue to hurtle along the motorway. You gaze out of the window as the embankments which normally grip the motorway and hide your view of what is beyond have now disappeared. Instead, you are afforded a breathtaking view of the undulating countryside which rolls away to the snow-topped hills in the distance.
The land is kissed by golden light, full trees dotted here and there, the whole scene idyllic and just as you always imagine the countryside to look. It is as if I can read your thoughts and show you what you want to see. You have always thought that. I appear to have some sixth sense which enables me to create the very scene or environment that delights you the most and accords with what you want to see. You missed that when you were trudging along that bleak and grey motorway beneath the leaden firmament.
You continue to gaze through the windscreen, marvelling at the scenery outside, the beauty and the serenity breath taking, along with the absence of anyone else. Your eyes are wide looking at the vast scene that unfolds beyond the windscreen as you enjoy the comfort of my ride. So transfixed are you by what you see outside of my car you fail to notice the dots and specks which are forming on the windscreen.
You are oblivious to the flies that smash against the glass, their insignificant lives obliterated in an instant by my driving forward at such speed and with such intent. The insects never saw me coming, flying along, blissfully unaware of what was hurtling towards them and would wipe them out in an instant. More and more bloody smears coat the windscreen and you still do not see them as they begin to mount up. I keep glancing at you but you are so transfixed by the beauty outside that the increasing death toll under your nose is going unnoticed.
I do not activate the windscreen wash nor the wipers preferring to keep this carnage in full view, yet this obvious massacre is not countenanced by you. I allow myself a little smile as my test confirms what I knew would be the case. Just like a fly on the windscreen you have little idea just how close you are to such danger, how your existence hangs in the balance and how it is all down to me.
9 thoughts on “Emotional Thinking Blinds – Fly on the Windscreen”
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Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it (credit : unknown).
One can learn to manage ET when they apply their LT systematically and consistently. One can learn to stop using excuses as an excuse for not reining themselves in after learning HG’s work. If a Deaf person with Aspergers and who is an ACON can do it, then so can other people.
Awesome comment, Asp Emp. 💜
Thank you, WhoCares 🙂 x
Dumped at restaurants, dumped frighteningly close to the desert, dumped at airports, dumped roadside—dumped with a confused toddler holding my hand. My futile attempts to try to transform my punishments (consisting of a mouthy retort or silent act of defiance) into an ‘adventure’ for the sake of our child…pretending we were on a treasure hunt…pretending we were looking for Star Wars Sand People, counting how many red cars whizzed on by…
Long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Thankfully.
Regardless, an exception piece of writing, as always.
Amyemerson311, your comment went straight to my heart with the description of how you tried to turn those moments around for the sake of your child. They are excruciating moments as you try to cushion children from the harm that is intended and being done to you and them. We rarely get a chance to deal with the utter devastation of those moments as we attempt to make the world a happy and safe place for our children. I just want to commend you for your efforts. You and your child deserved so much better. The brave face you managed in the face of that adversity helped to shield them from the worst excesses of the narcissist.
I’m so glad to read you have moved on from that experience and are now in a better place.
I really appreciate your sentiments, the kind words. I truly do. I made so many mistakes. The biggest one, staying in a sadistic marriage for far too long at the expense of my child’s well-being.
It’s not something I feel good about.
I remember chronicling all the behaviors in real-time. I have journals of detailed, descriptive accounts. Bewildering behaviors without names. No insight as to why they were happening. No explanation as to how this could happen. I felt drunk with confusion. Therapists, marriage counselors, attorneys, priests, medical doctors, friends and family would stare at me blankly when I explained these behaviors. I realized escape was the only option. And we did—barely.
It has been seven years, 3000 miles, four restraining orders, and three arrests since our escape. We have built a beautiful life for ourselves. It was a grueling recovery/rebuilding. About three years ago, I discovered HG. It was then, all made sense. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Still, I know myself and I know the kind that I am attracted to and the kind attracted to me—so I need to protect myself from a repeat. I have had a consecutive run of intimate partnerships with a narcissist/sociopath and narcissist/psychopath. Both clinically diagnosed. Both partners diagnosed after our relationship/marriage ended.
I did struggle with these performances as they were not so convincing, so my son tells me now. Crippled by panic, fear and shock…I’m not sure how I managed to pretend. Pretending. That’s how my son refers to his former interactions with his father. Typically, when we were disposed of, quite literally, my former spouse would intentionally temporarily deactivate our bank and credit cards. No means for a taxi. Uber was not a thing at that time. When he was feeling really wicked, he would turn off my cell phone. My family and friends lived 3000 miles away. My in-laws would refuse my requests for help, dutifully submitting to their son’s orders by not answering the phone. My parents were my only hope and they had not forsaken me, even though my father, during the time I was married, was dying of cancer. He died before we were able to make it home. They were my lifeline, for they believed my every word. Nobody else did. My son would always ask me why nobody believed us, in which, I had no response.
These days, my son and I try to add some levity to our experiences. For example, my former spouse installed a key/lock from the inside of the family residence. It was not uncommon for him to lock me from the inside of the house when he was pissed at me and refuse to give me the key. So, naturally, I would grab my son, take him upstairs, put him in a carrier on my back and climb out the window onto the trellis attached to the exterior of our house and bolt down the street. Yes, my defiance did not help my cause. Lol. The nonsense! Sometimes you just have to laugh or you will just cry.
I guess I wish I knew more sooner. I wish I had not prioritize the addiction above my son’s needs. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time. I feel you give me too much undeserving credit. But, I thank you for your reply. What’s that line from Vanilla Sky?
“The sweet is never as sweet without the sour.”
So true. Not a day goes by that I don’t pay homage to our peace and freedom. Thank you…💜💜💜☀️💫☀️
These assholes love to rev the pace of life right up. If we can get away from them long enough and experience a normal, healthy pace of life, it’s actually really nice. We have time to do things we enjoy and care about. It stops being about putting out the fires that these people create and starts being about having time to plant flowers and write (snailmail) letters and enjoy the sunset. And without the constant chaos, even if only in our minds, wondering when the next shoe will drop, never allowing us to completely relax and enjoy the moment. Once we have experienced that peace, why would we ever go back to what they offer? Because our addiction is insidious. So we take it seriously, make our No Contact regime solid. And over time it becomes a new way of life, then, when an “incident” pops up, we get an urge to call them or a friend mentions them, whatever it is, we know what to do and it becomes easier. This is truly a gift.
AV, because too much peace, planting flowers, reading, writing, breeding fish, watching TV series, tending the garden, shopping, trips to another hotel with a pool and a palm tree, visiting again 150 castle, again an evening with the same friends, reheated chops – at some point the moment it always gets boring.
At least for me. I have to change my interests, I have to learn something new, to quit something old. And sometimes I need chaos. I hate him and love him 🙂
And I like frequent changes in the pace of life 🙂 In chaos I miss peace, and in peace I miss chaos.
Addicted, yes. I will not change it, even if I have to tie myself and gag myself 🙂 The game is always on. Only the intensity changes and I have influence on it.
No contact – it’s not for me. But I learned a lot here to better navigate my desires, better understand N., quickly tame my own bad emotions (frustration, anger, resentment). I am a bit worse at suppressing good emotions (willingness to hug, soothe, bring joy, solve problems) + great curiosity. There will always be danger from this side.
But even when I go, I’ll be back. I’ve done this many times.
Aww Joa, after a childhood with narcs and then 25 years with one, the 10 years of virtually no contact after he left were pretty amazing, in comparison. I still didn’t have any answers for my life but I did have calm, peace, a sense of control over my choices, things I had never experienced before. It was amazing. But then I guess I did get bored, went on the dating site and was ensnared briefly, which led me here. Now that I have learned what happened to me, I am not like you, I don’t need or want the chaos, I am never bored which helps, but I do want the peace and calm, so much. Even if it means I remain alone, it is better by far for me. We all have our own journey and will do it different, at moments I may envy yours but then I will remember the emptiness I had with those people and I will be content again.