Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you.
It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal.
We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.
What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences?
Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?
The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories.
The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach.
The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation.
The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.
The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence.
He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”.
Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered.
The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.
The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence.
The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.
The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like.
This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck.
Whether it is instinct or calculation, it is done.
After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.
11 thoughts on “Everpresence”
This is the worst part. Because I can’t stay mad for long at all.
Cherish, is also one of my pros/cons.
My rage evaporates very quickly, giving way to understanding, kindness, forgiveness and… forgetting/erasing.
I erase all that is bad.
This has its undeniable advantages (I do not focus on nonsense, prolonged quarrels) and disadvantages (any bad behavior, even harmful to me, I will justify).
Joa I understand everything you wrote , that was such a amazing description. I can relate wholeheartedly with you. Such a beautiful and strong person you are 🙏
With me it’s also that there is some trouble arising when someone’s behavior is just plain bad and I “should” be mad about it and set clear boundaries, I just feel sad because I care or love the person and they forcing me to “correct “ them as consequences of their actions. That makes me so heartbroken for them and when the “anger”vanishes in a hour or day the cycles just repeats no consistency in my correction or boundaries.
My anger doesn’t stay for long either and once the anger is gone, then I seem to erase their abuse, be it words or physical violence, it’s just swept under the rug, to be pulled out later and examined. The desire to please and smooth things over with them was priority number one, not my feelings , not my well being, not my happiness…it’s why I lived with my mother’s abuse and kept quiet about it for years, why I dealt with an abusive ex and why I dealt with my current husband and his 16 years of alcohol abuse..
I went home recently, I mean home where my family lives and for the first time I told my two Aunts about my mother’s abuse and what my childhood was like behind closed doors. They saw her manipulating my dad,but neither one imagined her to be abusive. She always presented herself the feeble, weak victim to them, the one abused by her children and neglected by her husband. Now the fog has been lifted from their eyes, the picture is clear and it doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would, telling the truth, telling the true story. I was left feeling sad, sad that the truth is so different than what they imagined. They both told me to stop looking back and move forward, just like HG has said on the blog, in videos to other viewers, readers etc….move forward, looking back only blocks your progress, the windshield is the better view because it’s the future, where things are yet to be and are changeable, the past is dead and already gone by. Moving forward is the only sane way to go.
I forgot to mention why I told my Aunts about my mother abusing my brother and I. My one aunt mentioned that my mother slandered me the last time she saw her, before she passed away. She told me what she said and it was all lies, her smear campaign against me. It made me angry that she would lie about how I treated her! Playing the victim, once again. I had to explain the truth, I just couldn’t let the lie stand uncorrected and without explaining myself. It was then, from talking to my Aunts, that I found out they saw her manipulative behavior towards my dad and neither one fully believed her story about me. They knew her to be manipulative and an exaggerator of truth. Found out why their mother didn’t like my mother. It was quite interesting hearing about my mother from her earlier years and from another’s viewpoint. I felt relieved to know they saw her for who she really was and I didn’t need to explain the truth.
I wonder who else saw through my mother’s facade?
Thanks for moderating HG, now that I know what it is…I appreciate you doing it. Xx
Wow, Rebecca. It is good to read that you and your Aunts talked about the behaviours from her. It was similar in my case, to a degree, talking with my aunt about her sister but that was years before I found KTN. I am so glad you had the chat with Aunts as I know it will assist greatly in your going forward so that you no longer ‘carry’ as much as you once did. 🙂
There is nothing more powerful than turning off your phone. That they only get that one tick when they send a message. Waiting for that second tick to appear. Even better if you turn off the read receipts so it only is ever grey…..
No. Change your number, you are still engaging and thus increasing your emotional thinking. This is not the logical response required.
Yes, changing the number is the only course of action. HG as you have said many times before, even negative fuel is fuel to the narcissist. No contact is the only way. In fact it may even be dangerous to play games with the narcissist like this. Ignoring them may bring about fury, they may just try harder to get the attention that they crave. It is best to have no contact. Not to be present at all. Out of reach.
I used to get all sorts of weird calls before I changed my number, even after blocking somatic narc: spoof calls using my own number, calls from strange locations, text messages requesting my interaction for a survey on immigration policies and social injustice (that motherfucker knows me well), etc. At times I wanted to believe it was just my imagination and he wasn’t behind all that. Guess what? I changed my number. No more weird calls or random text messages. Peace. I don’t even give my number to random people anymore. Always listen to HG!
Yes, it was nice to finally talk with my Aunts about my mother. It was nice releasing it, and I found out some things I didn’t know. One, my mother did a smear campaign on me the last time she talked with my Aunts. Hearing the lies she tried spreading about me was upsetting, but her own reputation with my dad’s family, made my Aunts question what she said. It was still upsetting to hear and it hurt thinking that’s no way a mother should act towards her child and her child’s reputation. She’s gone and I can’t very well confront her, so it’s best to get the anger out, tell my truth and try letting it go. As I would say to my dogs, when they held in their mouth, something they shouldnt….drop it, drop it….now. It’s so painful to hear confirmation from others, that yes, my mother was a narcissist and here again is proof of her behaviors behind your back with family witnessing the behaviors. Another eye opener, HG, I was right, she was definitely a LMRVICTIM NARCISSIST. That’s what I think she was based on her sometimes violent, sometimes passive aggressive tendencies, her almost constant need for sympathy from others, playing the feeble, weak soul that needs help and her facade…it would go off and on and sometimes people saw her true self and saw through her bs…showing to them glimpses of her true face. Dealing with her growing up allowed me to be able to cope somewhat with my ex husband, the LMRSOMATIC from last year, other narcissist in my life, including my current husband….it allowed me to accept their behavior as normal and I would fight with them, normally verbal fights, but now I know it’s not normal and I don’t have to just deal with it. I don’t have to spend my life taking their bs. Drop it, drop it, drop them.