Shoot You Down
A plaintive wail which I often hear is along the lines of,
“Why do you always have to shoot me down? I give you everything you could ever want. Why can’t you just be happy with that?”
As usual you delude yourself with such a statement. You do not give me everything I could ever want. You think that you do, but that is the self-centredness that you often exhibit creeping in once again. You certainly care, I will grant you that, but you make the mistake of assuming what you do is what we want. What we want is fuel. I know what comes next.
“I always told you how much I loved you, I admired and complimented you often and frequently. How much more could I make you feel good about yourself?”
Therein lies the problem. No matter how good your intentions and how frequent your worship of me, my kind and me will always grow tired of it. We have heard your kind words and seen your appreciative gestures too many times and it, well, it just does not do it for us anymore.
I am sure that you emotionally in touch people would be the first to complain if a long established partner engages in the same routine in the bedroom. It does not hit the spot anymore does it? Well, it is just the same for us. You may ultimately accept that things cool somewhat in the bedroom and I know from what I have seen and heard that you trade this passion off (although not always, there are some sexual thrill seekers amongst your kind) for other qualities that you find attractive – humour, companionship, security, warmth, good parental skills, intelligence and such like. There is no hope for any such trade with us.
We only want one thing from our relationship. Fuel as the indicator of control. We do not care (ultimately) how good-looking you are, how much of a whore you are between the sheets, how wonderful a mother you may be, what a raconteur you are or how much you earn. Those factors only have a bearing with regard to the issues of fuel and control.
We will never accept those things or anything else as a substitute for fuel. True enough, the more aged of our kind sometimes accept these things when their need for fuel diminishes but that need never goes away. They may decide to accept these attributes alongside largely positive fuel, but they will still need to stir things up from time to time.
That is not going to happen with me. I am at the peak of my powers and therefore my need for fuel remains substantial. There can be no substitute for it at all and nor can there be any co-existence between the provision of fuel and other attributes. It is fuel or nothing. In order to achieve this I have to shoot you down because once that is done you start to flow with the potent negative fuel and my cravings start to be addressed.
You can beg and plead with me, you can point out how you will always only ever have eyes for me, you can express your love, desire, adoration and admiration on an hourly basis but there comes a point when it just does not have that sweetness anymore. It is then that I pull the handgun from my jacket, attach the silencer and fire several vitriolic bullets into you. Your pain from these wounding bullets gives me the fuel that I need and therefore your shooting is necessary. Moreover, it is your punishment for letting me down. You really ought to be capable of pleasing me the whole time but so far, all that I have chosen have failed. That is why I now expect you to fail and have that gun to hand at all times.
When I shoot you down, I become more powerful as the fuel flows from you. Moreover, it is easy to get someone to admire and adore. Those reactions come naturally to your kind. It is far harder to extract tears, anger, frustration and regret from the empath. Managing to do so imbues your emotional reaction with greater potency, your fuel becomes supercharged and this is what we want. We cannot shoot you down from the beginning, we need you stood on a pedestal first, after all, you present as such an inviting target then and your toppling as the bullets slam into you becomes all the more satisfying.
I sense your dismay as you read this. You had hoped that by keeping me sweet and onside through a dazzling and tireless display of love, affection and admiration you had hoped to avoid such an attack. Your concerns should not be absolute. There is an upside you know. Firstly, when we find someone else after we have shot you down, keep in mind they will eventually be riddled with bullet holes no matter how happy we both appear at first. It is coming to them as it came to you. I am sure that makes you feel a little better doesn’t it? Secondly, there is a huge saving grace.
We never shoot you dead.
We need you alive so we can raise you up again as we re-load.
18 thoughts on “Shoot You Down”
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HG the term “ shoot you down” hits me. As a US citizen, it seems every week we hav mass shootings. It is usually but not always a young man. I wonder if you will address this reality. I would love to hear your thoughts on it. It is complex as it involves socioeconomic issues, mental health and US gun laws. Sorry but saying that will change would be like telling me pigs will fly. I think I am eager for your antisocial commentary which you said is coming… hopeful as you are the leader in understandings narcs and will do the same with psychopaths no doubt.
This reminds me of the lyrics from the song “Elastic Heart” by Sia.
Having dealt with separated parents for most of my professional life, I have promoted this content as much as I could under the radar, as there are so many genuinely suffering parents and children and there are also those that are not sufferering but put up a facade and feel nothing for their offspring.
It’s a good question, TS. I find it really hard to imagine empathic individuals who can understand the feelings of others choosing to use derogatory terms, but I suppose if their empathy is eroded due to circumstances or if their narcissistic impulses aren’t being modified in the moment – then it’s possible. If someone has little empathy overall, it’d probably be pretty easy to label others in a condescending and demeaning way.
Hi Annaamel,
You’re right, erosion of empathy does give greater prominence to already existing narcissistic traits. However, in my experience these traits tend either to be directed inwards, or, at specific targets. They rarely carpet target. Rarely is not never but it’s good enough for me to withdraw my ‘benefit of the doubt’ response.
I think for me, the more reliable indicator is the one which says, “Can I ever imagine making comments like that and in that particular context?”. If the answer is “no” then that’s a good enough steer for me as to how to proceed.
I will not be correct all of the time, but I’ll be correct most of the time. I’m content with those odds!
( I’m not getting notifications, sorry for the late response).
It would be good if Tom could identify specific people in his life who have caused him to suffer. I suspect his mother might be a key player, given some of his comments. But there may be others who have disappointed him. If not, he will likely continue to carpet target while emphasising that the dynamics discussed don’t affect him personally. We will just have to bear the brunt of it.
Hi annamel,
All might yet be revealed. Or not!
Xx
Is it any surprise that there are some people that have a need to ‘talk’ because they were subject to direct “abuse” from somebody who does not know them at all?
To talk about that person directly and them not being directly involved in the conversation is another form of behaviour that ‘creates’ such responses / reactions from people who have experiences resulting from situations that other people do not know about.
HG provided his blog for exactly the reasons why KTN blog exists. The space to talk. We should be encouraging people to speak up, not ‘shut them down’.
Empaths who show compassion towards another can assist that person in more ways than other people can even begin to understand.
Asp Emp
Talking about posters rather than to them is bad form – I agree. It’s rude. I don’t like doing it even though I know I have been doing it on this thread and I will have to do it a little more as I respond to your comment.
I began my interactions with Tom by writing directly to him. I initially commented to him because a few of his posts had crossed lines that I thought needed to be respected on a blog like this and I had hoped that asking him to consider others might have a positive impact. But his posts continued to be problematic, as far as I was concerned, mainly in the way they referred to women who had become involved with narcissists in a disrespectful way. It seemed very unnecessary to do that.
We all have topics that cross personal lines for us, and our lines are not the same. Things that we find problematic are going to be different. You have sometimes become angry on the forum at various posters in various discussions and I have always interpreted it as lines being crossed for you that you feel should not be crossed. And when you have been angry at me, I have understood that something I have said or done has crossed a line for you.
Similarly, if I respond angrily it’s probably because a poster has has crossed a line that I personally believe should be respected. We all have our own opinions about what is okay and what is not.
I suspect that, early in Tom’s posting, you identified some subtle indicators in his comments that I might not have picked up on. I know from my reading on the board that you experienced narcissistic abuse from your mother as a child – and I think you may have noticed signs in Tom’s posts that he’d had a similar experience which I was unable to notice because it’s not my experience. I was unable to see the need for support, that you possibly did see, in Tom’s early posts. I could only see aggression and anger and it seemed to be being directed at people who had also been victims.
I think my posts with TS in this thread has involved both of us getting a few frustrations out between us. Both of us may have seen our personal lines crossed on a blog and not been able to do much about it. I recognise it has made you feel uncomfortable and perhaps angry.
I have read many threads including your interactions with other posters. You are one of the most supportive posters on here. You give lots of your time to help other readers feel better, or to help them see solutions, or to simply show them understanding and compassion. It’s a quality that is very valuable. I am happy for you to challenge me or my ideas whenever you think it needs to be done. I cannot say I will always change my approach or agree but I know you always post from the heart and your heart is good, so I will always welcome your comments.
Only the desperate, schemers or door mats will be grateful for such a life.
Hello Tom,
Are you new to the blog? If so, welcome.
Would you mind elaborating on what you mean by a schemer? Also, a door mat?
There does seem to be people (often men but sometimes women) who see women in a rather categorical way.
For instance, as
Gold Diggers – only after men for their money
Schemers – likely Gold Diggers or looking to snare a man for selfish reasons.
Doormats – who put up with bad guys because they too weak to say no to them
Stupid – women who are too inept to make good choices in men
Harem women – who are prepared to share their partner with others, possibly because of weakness or desperation.
Needy – women who are insecure and who therefore don’t make good choices in men and stay with poor options
Desperate – will take anyone available (perhaps feels unable to be discerning)
‘Pants droppers’ (substitute any term for this you are more familiar with) – have sex fairly soon with men who appeal to them. These women many also want to be abused. It could be okay to to exploit these women and then talk about to others afterwards.
Good women – who don’t have intimate relationships with men who initially appeal to them but wait until a good and honest man comes along.
Strong women – who sense and immediately push bad guys away in preference for good men
I think I have covered them all. There are so many….
Hi annamel,
Yes, there are so many derogatory terms / labels that can be applied to women, men too, but I think women bear the brunt of it.
Labels are interesting, there’s no nuance about labelling is there? You earn a virtuous or non virtuous label, all good or all bad. Very black and white in terms of thinking.
When I see the term doormat used to describe victims of narcissistic abuse I must confess it’s very like a red flag to a bull for me. I have seen it used in a derogatory way twice previously on the blog, on both occasions the comment was issued by a narcissist.
It raises a question. The people categorising women, using the terms you correctly highlighted, what group do these people most often fit into themselves? It’s probably less of a male / female tendency and more of a narcissist tendency, driven by black and white thinking, the need for control and fuel, and a need to always be right.
Pfff, I can be a doormat, I don’t mind 🙂
This kind of epithet has no effect on me as a person or my life.
In order to touch a person to the core and evoke their reaction, one has to go much deeper.
Annaamel, you’re right, it’s impossible to describe a human in one word. Each person is a set of many, very rich features, often contradictory.
‘I can be a doormat, I don’t mind 🙂 This kind of epithet has no effect on me as a person or my life.’
I’ve been thinking about your reply, Joa. I feel troubled by it. I feel troubled by the smiley face.
Are you saying that others think of you as a doormat but that’s okay or are you saying you think of yourself as a doormat and that’s okay?
I saw a post from you in the ‘Love is a Taught Construct’ thread where you were concerned you didn’t know how to love. You also suggested you had so much love to give you had to be careful of giving too much to people. I am going to tie my response to the reply in this thread and the other thread together, as I see the two ideas as connected.
I don’t think it’s a problem of having too much love in intimate relationships. It’s choosing the wrong people to give it to. The wrong people are the people who don’t really want your love because they don’t love you. No matter how much love you give in these relationships it will be the wrong amount, because it’s the wrong person.
I am worried that you might be okay with being thought of as a doormat because it suggests that you are a giving and loving person, to the extent that you will love even if the other person doesn’t reciprocate or show kindness and care back. I am concerned that you may see the term as almost a compliment – a compliment of your preparedness to give love despite challenges and obstacles that someone else would crumble under.
But this is not how I see someone who is given the epithet ‘doormat’. I don’t see them as someone who sacrifices their own needs in order to give love to someone else. I see them as someone who doesn’t have enough love for themselves. I suspect that focusing on the other person allows them to avoiding looking inwards. This may also be the reason they find it difficult to be with someone who’d really love them because that level of intimacy would force them to go too deep within themselves.
When we love people who don’t love us, the monologues in our heads go a bit like this: ‘That person doesn’t love me. That’s okay. I can respect their decision. They can think and feel however they want. Besides, I am not that great. In fact, I have some very unlovable qualities. They are right. They are clever and observant. They see things that are not easily seen. I respect that. They are respectable. They are good people. I will continue to feel love for them.’
Alternatively, we could think: ‘They don’t love me. They don’t put my needs and desires ahead of their own and they don’t try to make me feel good about myself. They don’t protect me. They are not interested in details about me. They cannot see wonderfulness in me. This is a shame, because I find them interesting. But their judgement is dodgy, their values are weird and I can’t respect their views about me because they are not correct. I am a good, lovable person. I won’t, I can’t love them now. But that’s okay because there are lots of people out there and because I am a great person, I will find someone who sees that. I will give my love to a person who deserves it – a person who loves me.’
I think, Joa, that you could redirect some of the love you have inside, and after giving a huge part of it to your daughter, give the rest of it to yourself. You are totally lovable and have wonderful qualities. Your posts on the board are so insightful and wise and caring and generous and intelligent and communal. You deserve to be loved by someone who sees those qualities and wants to make you happy.
That is very empathetic and insightful of you, please share more of your wisdom.
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The desparate and door mats – grateful for such a life – are you delusional?