The Futility of Feelings
Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back. You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you. All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened. Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.
I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore. I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel. I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward. All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion. My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.
I feel powerful.
I am powerful.
7 thoughts on “The Futility of Feelings”
“I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them.”
Interesting. I can relate to feeling fury, I think; is it the same as a sudden onset of anger? If so, how do you actually THINK clearly enough to exert control over people & get fuel. Is it something you figured out how to do when you were calm & plotted out how to do it so that it’s automatic?
When I get really angry about something I become what my patrinarc refers to as ‘apoplectic’ (as he once described my mother’s father, who I think was an empath & died at 48 at work from either a massive stroke or heart attack; of course my patrinarc was always smearing my mother & her beloved late family members to me and my sisternarc (who believed it all). Like all of a sudden I just lose my ability to think clearly and explode.
Is there some kind of trick you can teach us for staying calm enough to THINK even when we’re really upset, or are we fundamentally different because I’m autistic & am constantly under stress trying to put on a mask of ‘normalness’ in order to fit in, so it doesn’t take much to send me from what seems on the outside like perfectly calm to full meltdown mode in an instant and it’s out of my control? Is putting on your cognitive-empathy facade around people stressful, or is it just automatic for you? Or is there a difference between fury and … whatever form of apoplexy I experiencing? What does your “fury” FEEL like? Or doesn’t it ‘feel’ like anything? (Do you have a video on this already, or should I send this to that new e-mail address?)
Yes, I regularly assist people in this manner through consultation.
Thank you! I’ll schedule an appointment soon! (As soon as I finish filling out my Empath Detector test–trying not to overthink it, so I put it aside until I’m fully recovered from the concussion I sustained on New Year’s Eve! Although this may be the best time for not overthinking … or thinking at all.
PS: I’m also on disability, so I don’t have a lot of money to spend on multiple consultations, so I want to make sure my thoughts are as organized as possible given that I have ADHD. So if you’re TOO good a listener don’t ‘rein me in’ (gently please), I’ll end up going off on tangents for hours & run out of money before you run out of time! 😉
Also, on a more serious note, even though happiness is fleeting, it gives me moments I like to remember and relive in my active imagination. So I don’t want to eradicate my feelings or even feel powerful. I’d just like to be able to control them better (mainly the bad ones)–and maybe learn to put on some sort of ‘façade’/super-hero alter-ego of being a ‘normal’ person who doesn’t give off low-hanging-fruit-for-narcissists vibe! Do you also help people DISGUISE their empathy/empathness/whatever the adjective is for people who have more empathy than is healthy for our own sanity and, being ’emotionally dysregulated,’ attract narcissists in droves?
Sorry, I meant to say: “don’t HESITATE TO ‘rein me in’ (gently please),” (Ugh, thinking really DOES physically hurt with this headache!)
Interesting. Useful nugget of information 🙂
It’s sad that you only feel the dark and negative emotions… without ever feeling the balance of the positive emotions.
I agree hatred is a useful and powerful emotion… it’s focus is Lazer sharp .
I also agree that many emotions only hold you back..but love and peace are far more powerful than all the dark forces combined… only they can shatter the deepest darkness.