There are times when the hatred, the vitriol and the malice can no longer be contained. They must be unleashed. Most often, this occurs as a consequence of the ignition of fury which arises as a response to the wounding which happens because we have been criticised. The ignited fury may, with those of us with greater control thresholds, be kept under control, especially if we are mindful of the impact it may have upon the facade. Sometimes, we cannot exert that control and heated or cold fury erupts from us, seeking to provoke a reaction from you and others which will draw fuel and in turn address the wound so the fury in time abates.
Then there are the times when there is a need to spread hurt, cause pain, to shock and to lash out.
It is not an uncontrolled and haphazard spewing forth of hatred, a dervish that lashes out at all around him or her, drawing looks of horror, hurt and annoyance. Such a frenzied response is one associated with the loss of control which occurs through the ignition of fury. This is a calculated exercise in drawing negative fuel for the purposes of letting this awful and treacherous world and its traitorous minions know that there is a blazing hatred at our core, a permanent state of malicious and venomous antipathy for everybody around us. We have no interest in donning a mask of charm or magnetism. There is no desire to present a facade on such occasions. Our seething, savage malcontent must emerge and be branded on all those who are unfortunate enough to cross our path.
It may start at any point in the day. It may be that on wakening we feel it there, the corrosive taint of malice which has to be allowed to surface. We may, in less experienced times, have thought that the provision of positive fuel would cause this sensation to lessen and to vanish, but it does not. For some reason, some deep and dark reason, only negative fuel will suffice. I have experienced this on several occasions. I now recognise it. It is the desire to destroy, to hurt, to maim and I know that until such time as I have drunk deep of the negative fuel that flows from such actions, I will not be able to stop and cause this sensation to vanish. I can feel it inside of me – it is not fury, but rather a visceral and powerful hatred for everything and everyone. A bilious sensation sat in my core and I must obey it. It is allied to the ever present hunger for fuel, but only negative will do. It is as if some ancient wrong can only ever be reconciled through the application of repeated wrongs, as if that historic crime has to be repeated and replicated in the here and now and in so doing, by giving it such an exposure and airing, release is achieved.
Something wicked from way back when must be allowed to manifest now.
And so the day is one of vicious behaviours. The morning greeting from the neighbour is met with an instruction to him to “get fucked” or to invite him to keep an eye on that “whore of his wife and her afternoon visitors”. His shocked response is seen from peripheral vision, the first drops of negative fuel trickling my way as I march to my vehicle and enter it. The cocooning effect of the magnificent car does nothing to remove the malice. On the drive to the office, those talking on the radio are routinely lambasted for the idiocy – they cannot hear me but it does not matter – they must still be told. The window is lowered and a pair of young women walking along the road are shouted at, the single insult of “sluts” trailing after me as I drive past. The cyclist is pilloried for being a “latex clad wanker”, the person waiting at the zebra crossing jumps back as I fail to yield to them and give them the finger as I sail by.
Sat in idling traffic I endeavour to catch the eye of the driver behind or in front and goad them with hand gestures.
“Come on, come on, get out,” I hiss to myself, hoping they will emerge from their vehicle and challenge me. Just do it, give me the provocation I am looking for and I can unleash yet more of this malice which is surging through me. Today they perhaps see what glints in my darkened eyes and do no more than retaliate with their own gestures before the traffic moves on and we become separated.
The barista in the cafe asks for my order and my name in that ridiculous manner of theirs. All I want is tea, not some imported affectation of a grand ho cho or some ridiculous coffee which is whipped, flavoured, syrup and sprinkled. I give the name “Farquhar” and say it in a tone which tells him that if he dares, if he fucking dares to ask me how to spell that name I will seize several of these over-priced muffins in the display and force them into his spluttering mouth one by one. He does not ask and his cake choking is avoided.
Of course when the beverage arrives, I see “Farkwar” daubed in the hand-writing of a five year old on the side. I lift the cup and speak,
“Excuse me,” I say coolly. The barista turns and looks at me. Already hesitation is gripping him.
“Yes?” he asks.
“Are you some kind of epsilon semi-moron.” I say. Although it should be a question, it sounds more like a statement as I point at the scrawl on the cup. He says nothing, unsure of what to say and what I will do.
“Is that wrong? I’m sorry,” he offers.
I hold his gaze, my dark glare boring into him as I contemplate setting alight his extensive beard. He looks away at the floor within a couple of seconds. I know everybody else in this store is looking at me. Good.
I shake my head.
“You should have tried harder at school you fucking quarter wit,” I announce and turn, shoving past those behind me. There are no protests.
And so it goes. The receptionist is told she looks slovenly when I enter the office. The office junior is snarled at to get out of the way. I find fault with everything that those working for me do. I draw tears from one annihilated associate as I subject him to a five minute tirade as to the inadequacies of his report, banishing him from my room as if exiling him from my kingdom. He is the third person who has entered my office and been subjected to my malice and it is not even mid-morning.
My secretary pokes her head around the door.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
I pause and look up from my computer and apply the charm of the smile.
“Absolutely great. Could not be better. First class. Tip top. Superb.” I confirm as I reel off a range of synonyms for all being well. Most will be branded with my malice today but not her. She is a loyal Lieutenant and this time she is exempt, besides, what better way to really mess with the heads of those beneath me is to have my secretary say,
“He was fine with me,” if they come crawling back trying to ascertain what is wrong.
E-mails receive curt replies. Those who telephone are subjected to a savage dissection of their proposal which leaves them speechless. Instructions are barked, injunctions issued and idiots torn apart. The malice remains, powering the nasty and unpleasant behaviours but never surging out of control. It is as if this malice recognises that it does some good to put some stick about, to let people know that they have to earn my grace and favour, that they ought to be on their toes, alert and mindful that their elevated position can be removed in an instant. Few ever challenge, most retreat horrified, alarmed and hurt. Those that do fight back but they are then subjected to fiercer malice as they are intimidated until they break away, muttering and still hurling insults. It matters not, it is all negative fuel.
In another place this malice would have manifested through the application of physical violence. The punches and kicks traded with those stroppy waxwork faces as part of the understanding that this is what happens in such an arena. In another place again, this malice would surface through the cruelty and humiliation of the one supposedly closest to me in the most intimate of settings. In yet another place, this malice would appear as the event wrecking ball, leaving nothing standing.
But today it happens in this place and this means that verbal abuse, insults, savage tongue, baleful glare and acidic responses are the appropriate ways in which the malice makes itself felt and draws of the negative fuel.
Some who are the recipients are strangers and our paths will not cross again. Others may regard me warily until the usual charm appears and they are put at ease. Most know better than to make it appear on another day through the ignition of fury. Occasionally there are those who will take it further. A demand for an apology, a raised grievance through formal channels and even a complaint to the authorities. In those rare instances the matter is dealt with through the restoration of persuasion and magnetism. A reward is offered to avoid the issue, charm negates the challenge or even a supposedly heart-felt apology is provided. They are, after all, just words and of course the relief, pleasure and gratitude espoused by the other person is all positive fuel, welcomed on the alternative occasion. There is not one who has been on the receiving end of the malice who cannot be brought back into line once again. All people have a price.
When this malice appears in this form, the entrenched and ancient right exercising its need to be aired, after a day of caustic comments, vicious volleys and sarcastic smiles, with the negative fuel swallowed up, I return and there is a beneficiary of all this vitriol. Having allowed the malice to be known, to let it stretch its legs and flex its muscles, it retreats, for now and as I arrive at your house or return to ours, you receive the positive side of this contrast for once. Even if you, as primary source, are being devalued, you will be given a sudden respite and the resurrection of the golden period. Your surprise and delight at its return brings forth the positive fuel in significant quantities and it washes over me, replacing the now receded malice. Your positive fuel is now required and thus the devaluation is halted as you are seen as a sanctuary of delight compared to those who have annoyed, irritated and crossed me during the day. It may not last long, but for today at least, the malice was given vent and now you benefit from its sustained application.
Even when I am malicious, I am good.
3 thoughts on “Malice”
So interesting how this diary note that HG wrote here. Goes back to my conversation with my husband just last night how he explained that he just feels like that since he wakes up in the morning. He works from home and me too. He is addicted to video games so most of his anger is displayed to this other players or colleges even if they cant hear them hes always complaining about them very loudly. Which I laugh about it. trying to calm him down subconsciously and make him think is funny. and yes sometimes traffic too or people in the customer service industry which I find horrible and for sure I call him out on those.
When is directed to me. (thanks to HG) I understand the issue so I don’t get agitated I understand is not me is him. So I come close to him, touch him and ask him very nicely if hes OK and whats going on. He then of course blames it on me, I understand what hes trying to do so I just agree that his plan is the best and he should do so in a very nice and emphatic way, and the blame shifting ends. he realizes he got his way so easy and hes very surprised. so he doesn’t take any action keeps on reassuring on the topic to see if I change my mind. Suddenly hes doubting himself.
Here I am I think I’m a super empath. can control this situations, sometimes not always for sure, and it is a nightmare. I’m devalued and yes I have cried so much, I’m always walking on eggshells but learn when he call new things out I just ignore it or pretend is a joke. My mom is a narcissist on the lesser side and was horrible to me so it is bringing some PTS for sure from when I was a kid which has been the most painful part.
My husband hes been opening up about his feelings and yes he doesn’t like to talk about it, he gets agitated. he knows there is something wrong with his mom and his grandfather as well, he knows he learned this behaviour. I haven’t touch the topic of a narcissism yet.
I feel deep inside narcissistic people feel indeed sad about themselves and their condition they don’t want to wake up in the morning in a bad mood. trying to pretend all the time, is very exhausting for him, he knows hes not like the rest of people. My husband has no friends and is very introverted. a mid-ranger very insecure. with no empathy and a lot of confusion.
Thank you HG for this incredible work that you have put out here. From helping others you gain recognition, but for us is more than that. If more of these tools where placed out there I’m sure people will be able to gain balance in their lives with a narcissist. You are here in this world for a reason. and you choose your career for a reason. for your own benefit but at the same time helping others. So thank you for being brave enough. I even feel that because of your own narcissism you will for sure come out in a more clear way. Thank you for teaching us so much, even if is for your own profit. we are all narcissist in some way.
I hope one day, you will come out to the public and say you know what I WAS A NARCISSIST and this is the way out. because I know with all the self awareness you have is possible.
Don’t over do it all the time, be yourself you are a smart, and outgoing guy, you have our support even sharing your worst, keep teaching people about it. But also take your time from the admiration and the public eye even if is painful, pain is not weakness.
Appreciation, admiration and control is your drug treat yourself as that drug addict. we need to feel pain to grow. cry for yourself and the tiredness of the facade, feel the pain, keep addressing those traumas when you were a child. that will help. write about them. we will be here reading.
Thank you HG
I had a boss like that .. always bullying and belittling and drinking from the power he gained.
He had given me a job without even interviewing me. At first he was charming and then the beast came out.
He got as good as he gave and he backed off in shock and horror.
One day I walked out and never met him again.
Richard was his name.
In his spare time he dressed up as a Roman and took part in pretend battles.
In a real life battle he was useless.
Pathetic man .
I heard he had started bullying his new employee who was crying to everyone and filling in lots of complaints against him.
I had to laugh at the beginning. And at the very end “Even when I am malicious I am good.”
I could see the little boy that was showing up…
Reminds me somehow of me Exnarc.
How to be so sweet and so innocent so that no malice will show up?