Hounded By Love
One of my ex girlfriends, Kate, was a big animal lover. She was always sponsoring some rare monkey in Africa or baking cakes to raise funds to save the gay whale or such like. People often remarked how fortunate I was to have someone so caring. I would tell them if she spent less time playing Dr Doolittle then maybe I would not have to sleep in the spare room so often to remind her of who she should be focused on. I remember this used to get me some puzzled looks and for an instant I could not understand why but then I worked out they thought I was being mean so I used to tell them the bed was always full of her dogs so there was no room for me. They would smile and nod. Too easy. You see, people will, most of the time, take the path of least resistance and this means that they will accept most explanations so long as there is some degree of plausibility about them. People need to find a reason and especially those of an empathic nature have to do so. Provide a reason to explain something away and people accept it. This is one of the main reasons why we are able to do as we do, because people either accept the explanations that we give for what is otherwise aberrant behaviour or they find a reason or explanation themselves (either blaming some third party event or influence or blaming themselves) rather than seeing the behaviour for what it is. I do not write this from a position of blaming people for thinking and behaving that way, it is understandable. They do not know what they are dealing with, they do not realise the person they are engaging with is a narcissist and they, as truth seekers, need to find a reason to explain the behaviour. They need to know and this invariably causes them to fall for what we tell them or what they tell themselves.
Anyway, she got involved in volunteering at an animal shelter which did not impress me and to add insult to injury she expected me to walk and feed her dog whilst she was out being St Francis of Assissi. I kid you not. So on the two evenings when she was helping out I would invite her sister Amanda over. She would feed the dog and I would pretend I had taken it for a walk. (So long as I let it out in the garden and did its business (which I would fling over into next door – I guess that’s why we have new neighbours) Kate thought the hound had been walked. Thus I was able to lure in Amanda. She was low hanging fruit. Ignored by her boyfriend it only took a couple of weeks of texts and declarations of compatibility and I was bedding her each time she came round. Kate would come home and spend most of her time petting her dog but I had someone else to distract me so I let that flagrant failure to give me attention slide a little. Not totally as I still used it to remind her of how neglectful she was of me. I did notice though that she was spending more time and more money on the hound and was obviously doing it to provoke me. Her sister Amanda then started to change. She was initially great fun, vibrant, passionate and interesting but then she got whiny and needy and had the audacity to start criticise my girlfriend Kate. That was not on. She would still call round twice a week, even when I stopped inviting her and I had grown tired of bedding her. I had decided that Kate was the better choice of the two and wanted to focus my attentions on her but she doted on that wretched dog.
Demonstrating the decisive decision making that is my hallmark I took prompt action. On an evening when Amanda had called over I agreed to sleep with her. Before doing so I let pooch out into the garden and opened the gate. I went through the motions with Amanda and then had just returned downstairs when Kate returned. A few moments passed and then she began to call for the dog and with increasing urgency. The hound had gone. I blamed Amanda. Cue sibling fall out. The upshot of it was Kate never spoke to her sister again. Amanda never called round and pestered me and the dog was gone.
Two birds and all that.
16 thoughts on “Hounded By Love”
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My goodness…what a story, HG!
I was with an ex for about 2 years and in in that timeframe my 2 cats died in an awful way. It wasn’t until after we broke up (I caught him cheating) that I realized that my cats had been poisoned. And of course when they died, I was a complete wreck and even though he didn’t like them, he comforted me… I realize now he wanted all of the attention.
Additionally my ex -husband would abuse my dog but the expensive dog he had, he would showcase it and almost treat it like the golden child while my dog was the scapegoat. I found myself often trying to protect my dog from him . One night I was driving home and I caught him throwing my dog in the air and it landed on the concrete. I jumped out screaming and running to the dog. As I held the dog, I continued screaming at him – I looked like the crazy out of control wife he had to deal with… and this was in front of his mother who despised me. I was so upset I left with the dog to seek out care. I wish I could say I left then, but I ended up finding a good home for him with a sweet elderly couple looking for a small dog.
I’ve got so many more stories like this, unfortunately. Even with my family… they will get a dog and after the idealism wears off, they will dump the dog somewhere to fend for themselves. It’s so sad.
I’ve learned a lot as an adult in the last 22 years. How ppl treat animals will tell you who they really are. If they treat them like an object, an annoyance, or with contempt – those are reds flags for me.
I’ve got my two little miniature dachshunds now and they are so precious to me. My one dachshund who is 8 has been through so much with me, by my side. And then my little rebel 3 year old puppy, he is so funny and has his own little weirdo personality. I love it! They have taught me so much about patience, about love, even about releasing the need for control. And they’ve seen me at my worst and loved me through it.
At this point in my life, I’d rather be single with my pupcrew than ever allow someone in my life who will hurt them and me. I won’t ever allow that again. Now I know the signs! Now I understand. 🐾 ❤️
Thank you, HG.
This is going to irritate you and I can hear you denying and flipping me the bird but this is so very sad for YOU and Kate, but maily Kate.
I don’t think he’d be angry to read that anyone feels sad for Kate. We are meant to. And we’re meant to feel angry at the narrator of the story for his behaviour. This story shows us how narcissists think and act and how they will find a whole range of ways to abuse a supposed partner. I’ve not yet seen HG wish for any kind of sympathy and I truly believe he’d be fine if we all just felt bad for Kate and recognised that she was the good person in the story and the relationship and did nothing wrong.
I get all of that and agree with what you say. My point was that it is very sad for the narcissist who behaves in such a manner. The videos on most channels covering this show how the narcissist does not have any empathetic emotions and are unable to feel anything except to the need to fuel and control. Boastful about this and feel superior when in fact it is any but. I find that very sad indeed.
I think it’s important to toughen up our responses when a story like this is told. Feeling sad for the narcissist is not useful. It doesn’t benefit us or the narcissist. I am not suggesting narcissism doesn’t have its drawbacks for those who have it or that it didn’t come from difficult experiences or involves the constant pushing back against feelings of inadequacy that are repeatedly activated by every day events and responses. But when a narcissist is behaving selfishly and badly we must not feel sorry for them. That is part of what keeps empaths ensnared and trapped in the narcissists’ world.
As an animal lover and protector of innocents this is disgusting. The dog probably is fine and came back. I hope once the animal returned as chipped and found thatAmanda and the other got kicked to the curb.
This is one of the stories that makes me physically ill to read. There’s a visual, I think it is in the video ‘Asylum of the Grotesque’ where you say Kate is there, hand on her forehead shielding her eyes looking for her dog. Some of the things you write haunt me, even if they don’t haunt you. Funny, isn’t it?
My intention isn’t to judge or shame you about it; quite the contrary. Finding a narcissist who is willing to speak openly and honestly about their behavior is invaluable. It’s akin to having a great white shark in captivity. It’s also why your anonymity is so incredibly vital.
KitKat, I’d say, most Narcissists are extremely honest.
They love to talk and tell or make suggestions about the mean things, they’ve done and are doing.
“What? I’m ONLY honest…” – said N2.
“Most people confuse frankness with good. Your honesty is meant to hurt. And you know it.” – I said.
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They keep coming, just like to the confessional…
Joa, you got me thinking.
Through HG’s work, he arouses feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, etc in order to convey the magnitude of a narcissist’s capacity for cruelty.
These are the same feelings he inflicted upon the victims he is writing about.
You said that many narcissists enjoy reminiscing about their devilish deeds as it allows them to recall the fuel they received in that moment.
Other than the obvious fuel he gets from us reading and discussing his work, is there also fuel to be gained from manipulating our emotions?
A little buzz from making us sad.
Even if the objective is to educate and not devalue, power is fuel and nothing is more powerful than someone saying you hurt them.
I would think a narcissist wouldn’t be able to help themselves from acquiring a tiny dollop of fuel.
Thoughts?
Intended would be a better description that funny, Kitkat.
Indeed, and you’re such a good writer it’s like a punch to the gut. Many of your lines live rent-free in my head. ‘You think you know all about her. She doesn’t know about you. Neither of you knows what I am.’ literally makes me nauseated.
Every time, I read this, I want to fucking puke.
-‐————-
N2 did exactly the same, when his sister’s gave shes dog to their mother for a week. He JUST opened the wicket…
He got rid of the dog. His mother didn’t distract. And he screwed up his sister and her family’s vacation.
I know he pursued sex with his ex’s older sister. He made bizarre allusions about my sister many times, but quickly backed of, when I really genuinely made fun of him.
———-
A lot of people in this life I can’t be sure of. In fact, I do not trust them at all, although they are very close to me.
Except my sister. I can feel her heart and know the course of her thoughts. We can be far apart and we don’t even need to talk to each other.
———–
There is nothing to regret. If a sister could do that to a sister, there was no real closeness or bond between them.
DISGUSTING.
Every of my sister’s men were sexless to me. Like a brother. I know it’s the same for her.
I don’t understand, how a WOMAN can knowingly do this to a WOMAN? I am and have always been very loyal to women. I withdraw immediately, when even the shadow of another woman appears. I cut everything. I disappear.
Right now it’s happening with N2. It’s enough for me to feel the presence of another woman, even when he isn’t talking about her. I’m not there immediately. I disappear. Silence.
N1 hoovers. All I can say, is that our conversation is not fair to his current girlfriend. End.
The idiot posted a photo on his fb profile 2 weeks ago, in which he hugs me and kisses me on the temple. Photo from about 23 years ago. I ended our relationship 19 years ago and we have never seen each other since (I repeatedly refused and no gave address). The photo made a sensation, lots of comments, some of them driven by him through his friends, which I could easily sense. No reaction from me. Nothing. I only felt sorry for his current girlfriend… And I knew immediately, that their “love” would explode again.
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Many bad things in this world I am able to comprehend, understand, embrace with my mind or compassion. But I can’t understand when a woman “punches” a woman…
The fight of two women for one man seems to me pathetic, below the level of dignity of any human being.
Yes, dear women, each of us is human. Don’t do this… to yourself, to me, to her…
If a woman was a narcissist, Joa, wouldn’t she feel compelled to compete with another woman, to outdo that other woman? And if she were a empath who felt such a strong attraction towards a narcissist that she had to be with them, she’d accept the other woman’s pain as a necessary and unfortunate side-effect of gaining the narcissist for herself. You might be asking something of some women that they are unable to give.
Yes, that’s my point of view.
I infect most of the women around me with it. They are very easily infected 🙂 I recommend this method if all your bosses are Narcissists (of various kinds). Not to mention the husbands of some of these women 🙂
Women create a barrier, that is difficult for mesns to break 🙂 Even if they manage to attract individual individuals from the “female herd” to their side – after some time they come back.
Women’s strength lies in women’s community, understanding, mutual help, exchange of experiences, learning.
If you have women behind your back – you have great strength.
Almost every man understands this. Wondering… why don’t women themselves understand this?
Agreed. It’s the old adage do unto others… but I always felt women had a code. Never.