A Letter to the Empath- No. 7
Dear Stella
Once upon a time I deemed you were responsible, insightful and capable to distiguish truths from lies, good from evil, angels from devils.
This time you did too wrong.
You allowed a devil disguised as an angel to reach up your soul and to suck up all your emotions.
You had so much to give, and now there’s nothing left for anyone. Not anymore. The light that shone in your eyes has gone forever. Now you are not able to feel any emotions, neither you do not trust anyone. Not anymore.
Your life once painted with several colours, now is only black and white, flowing on a pale grey background.
Your youth, your beauty, your femininity are fading, and your time to restore yourself and start again from the beginning is up.
Yet there is something that Devil failed to reach up to: your mind.
Your skills about writing and practicing foreign languages have remained untouched.
You can do so much with that. You’ll no longer have a heart nor a soul, these things have been replaced by a new sanctuary where no one will be allowed in. You don’t need to be loved by someone else, you don’t need a soul mate, you don’t need any false embrace.
“Yourself” is the only thing you need and the only thing that matters.
Take care of yourself, stay in your sanctuary and keep the door locked. Forever.
Yours
The Previous Stella
52 thoughts on “A Letter to the Empath- No. 7”
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It’s probably worth reiterating for the whole letters section that empaths are not without narcissistic traits and those traits will be evident at times – especially when we are angry or frustrated or hurt or anxious. Writing these letters would bring up lots of strong feelings and it’s probably to be expected that there will be some parts of all the letters that reflect those traits.
In Rebecca’s defense, HG does sometimes include letters which may have been written by non empaths and only recently published a letter which several readers identified as having narcissistic indicators. HG’s response on that letter was to say that their observations were logical. This leads to readers looking over the letters with a more critical eye, and readers here are also trying to improve their ability to spot signs of narcissism, so it’s not a surprise to me that Rebecca thought there was a possibility the letter might not be from an empath victim and she was trying to recognise signs (as she’ been learning to do). I don’t think she can be blamed for speculating. I understand that the writer and the best friend feel hurt by the suggestion that the letter is not authentic or of a true victim, but it’s important to understand that readers will sometimes use their previous experiences on this forum to judge posts that appear. While I understand the feelings and therefore the responses to Rebecca’s post – I think Rebecca’s interpretation did not come from a place of unkindness – it came from a place of analysis – where she tries to put her emotions aside and look at everything more critically.
I accept the possibility of being a narcissist; shall I consider the fact that only my letter to the empath has been published between many letters to the narcissist as HG’s confirm of that?
Is this comment to me Stella?
I didn’t read your letter as being by a narcissist. I read it as being from an empath to a different version of herself. It is (perhaps incorrectly) titled as a letter to a narcissist (but is correctly placed within the letters to empaths collection). I pick up a range of emotions in both the letter and your responses to other posters. I don’t question your ED result.
My comment is for both Rebecca and you
Stella
I can relate so much with your writings. Thanks for sharing.
💔
Thank you Annaamel,
You’re right, it’s just an analysis of one of several letters HG has posted, nothing personal meant by my analysis. As I said, in previous comments here, this is a learning blog, HG is teaching us to spot narcissists in every day life. We’re all learning from HG here. Thank you for defending me, i appreciate it. I meant no personal attack by my analysis.
I’ve had experiences with narcissists, my mother was one, my brother, some extended family members, my first husband, my current husband and some Co- workers. I was raised by one, was married to one, still married to another one and I work with some, I need all the learning I can take, believe me.
Xx
Dear Stella,
I can relate to what you’ve written.
I don’t know if you are still on the blog, nor if you still feel this way?
I hope you have got/or will get your emotions back and also your ability to trust.❤
Hello Jasmin, I’ve been following HG’ s blog since the end of 2017, when my narc discarded me in a harsh way although I was a Shelf IPSS and not the IPPS. It has helped me a lot to come out from emotional see. Unfortunately, since then my emotions have gone away. I still feel the same sensations I described in my letter, but maybe it’s just because I’m too aged to love again. However after this experience I’m definitively able to spot a narcissist from a distance. Now there are few people who can be labelled as my friends
Stella, I am not surprised to read “Now there are few people who can be labelled as my friends”. I ‘adopted’ the same view and have no regrets in doing so, even more so, after finding HG’s work, such a life-saver (mentally & emotionally). I liked how you ended your original letter with “The Previous Stella” – such a good way to describe it. It’s good to see you here 🙂
Hello Stella,
You’ve been here on the blog far longer than I have.
I’m sorry to hear that you still feel the same.
Why do you think age is linked to your ability to love?
In my experience the loss of emotions have occurred when I have experienced something traumatic and/or been exhausted. For me it have been a temporary.
It was after finding out what N2 (ex husband) was that I felt and thought near to what you discibed in this letter to yourself. I wonder where it comes from? Can it be related to the martyr cadre?
With kind regards
HG said that I am a carrier empath but not martyr, and I am not codipendent. Surely the last narc gave me the final blow but I had other narcissists in my life. I think HG’s work should be integrated in every school subject.
“I think HG’s work should be integrated in every school subject.”
Absolutely agree.
I see. I have both carrier and martyr in my make-up. Maybe it is related, maybe not?
I agree with you that HG’s work should be integrated in school.
‐—-‐—————————-
HG,
You have written articles describing all cadres except martyr, is that because you have evaluated the martyr cadre later on?
(I do not ask this question in relation to you specific, Stella. I have wondered this before and our conversation prompted a reminder).
It is simply the case that I had not had opportunity to write about the martyr cadre on the blog and I have therefore saved this work for the upcoming empath material.
What a sweet comment Jasmin, it was pleasant to read it, soothing almost, after reading Stella’s letter.
Dear Rebecca,
Stella is my best friend and I can tell you for sure she’s not a narcissist and her letter is not a pity play. She doesn’t need to manipulate anyone in this blog through pity-plays. She just wanted to share her experience with us. Each of us has found his/her own way of surviving narcissistic abuse. This is hers.
I felt like HG could have written this to a previous lover. It sounds exactly like the narcissist to their victim, soothing them with gentle words actually meant to bind them, keep them entangled with the narcissist, understand that they are a narcissistic possession forever. This is the predator, convincing his prey, wanting them never to stray from the damage they have inflicted (revelling in that in this letter), and reassuring them they still have something to offer the world which the predator has allowed them to keep (and which knowingly he can never reach), her mind. The mind is off limits to the devil. He knows this.
You completely misunderstood my words. But i can provide you more than an explanation:
1. Although I have a very high level of English, I am not motherlanguage, so I might have used some unappropriate words to express my sensations.
2. I’ve been studying and translating HG”s work everyday since 2017, so I absorbed his style of writing and his expression, he is a narcissist hence my similarity with a narcissist like him, as you stated at the beginning of your comment. Finally, you have misunderstood what I wrote about my brain. I didn’t mean to boast my intellectual skills, not at all, I was just saying that the trauma due to the narcissist left me with a sensation of void (but there is no creature inside), so I filled it with intellectual activity using my skills: foreign languages and writing. I am proud of that, but it’s a message I send to myself to try and rebuild my self esteem, no need to ensnare anyone
Hi Stella,
I think your letter is an excellent example of the types of articles HG sometimes writes, where they could be written either by the narcissist or the empath. I applaud you for your ability, in English, to portray a similar sentiment. It says to me that you are very ‘in tune’ with the wiles and mindset of the narcissist. That is different to being the narcissist. It would be hard for me to explain, but I sense the difference. One of the reasons it sounds like the letter could have been written by HG to a previous lover – is he reflecting on his effect on his lover, or is the lover reflecting on his effect?
I didn’t think for a moment you were boasting your intellectual skills, but stating that this is one area which remains untouched by the narcissist. He’s taken everything else, but this is yours to keep. Once again, it could also be the narcissist reflecting, he’s been unable to reach this area of your life.
It takes everything we’ve got to rebuild our lives after the narcissist. I can reread your letter and see how you have determined also to protect yourself and keep the narcissist out of your life. I hope you have been able to rebuild a level of self esteem and move on from your experience. I am still rebuilding mine.
I wish you all the best, Stella.
Thank you lickemtomorrow for your kind words. Now you have focused the sense. My narc stole everything from me but my brain. He made on me an excellent work of mirroring and then he threw me down in the dust. It was a devastating experience but now I’m still standing thanks to HG’s work. I wrote also a letter to the narcissist, I hope to see it published
This is very kind advice to Stella. I would like to add though that one should always have a backdoor available at the sanctuary, for when one takes out the Desire for justice. This road leads invariably past the lure of the Sirens. As we do not have a ship full of sailors to tie us down, we need to find out how to speak with the Master Siren in order to learn how to listen to the song without smashing into a cliff. One more failure would be devastating.
Dear Stella,
Thank you for your positive and reassuring message and I’m sorry that I didn’t pass the exam. I had no idea that I was taking one.
I am not planning to keep any doors locked forever. In fact, they have never been locked to anyone, only temporarily closed. Just waiting for the right pair of hands to push the door open again.
Sanctuary is a good place for those seeking asylum or for wildlife; I belong to none of these categories. My soul is far from being lost, it’s still here mainly because my mind works well, and as you said, it has not been dramatically affected by the hands of the narcissist. Youth? Thank God! Still present, due to my good Mediterranean genes. I’m a strong Stella, and that is promising.
Again, thanks for your advice. I wish one day you will be able to love again. I believe that you still can.
Best wishes,
One of the many Stellas
HG,
This is different , empath letter to previous self, but it’s very cryptic and fatalistic. It doesn’t sound like an empath wrote it, more like a victim narcissist feeling sorry for themselves after their IPPS escaped them…possible, but it’s not a letter I would have written to myself. It’s a bit too pity play and even on my worse day, when I was on autopilot to get through the work day, I had lots of emotions running through me and wouldn’t call myself void of emotions. If anything, my emotions were too much to deal with and I couldn’t escape the cage of my mind. A narc wouldn’t have such issues, once they make up their minds, they don’t do emotional debates about it, like us empaths do. Am I wrong with my analysis?? HG?? Xx
Hello Rebecca, I am the author of this letter, and I’m italian. I wish I were a narcissist but unfortunately for you, I am an empath. HG confirmed this in my ED. My last narcissist was a middle mid range type b, I was one of his IPPSs, maybe I took narcissistic fleas? No, there are no such things. You have no idea of the manipulations I suffered: triangulation, gaslighting, smearing, and after 5 years he keeps hoovering me in a malign way. He destroyed me, I will never be the same, I’ m happy if you are not feeling like me
@Stella
I didn’t read your letter as narcissistic at all
I dated a MM (I believe cerebral) for only 5 months and I knew if I stuck around for any longer either I’m killing myself or killing him. He played a lot of mind games, it was much worse than with the first narc who may have been either upper lesser or lower midranger and I survived that for 9 years and was able to do so because he was much more predictable and didn’t have as much of a psychological impact on me.
I never gave up on love though because I figured that if I learned how to spot my own kind then I would find my own kind.
I’m wishing you all the best
Thank you Witch, you have understood perfectly what I was meaning
@Witch,
“I never gave up on love though because I figured that if I learned how to spot my own kind then I would find my own kind.”
What a great idea. I’m so glad you were this! Thank you.
Wrote** this. I’m so glad you wrote this! Grr, autocorrect.
Hi Stella,
Nothing personal was meant with my analysis of your letter, that is why HG posted these letters, for us all to analysis them. This is a learning blog after all. Nothing personal in the analysis. I too, am an empath, as HG confirmed, in my Empath Detector. I was raised by a narcissist mother and had a narcissist brother and a few other narcissists in the extended family. My first husband was a narcissist and my current husband is a narcissist. I had a very bad experience with a work narcissist fairly recently and I just found out about narcissist last year. It’s been quite a journey learning about the emotional roller-coaster that I was born into, lived with and got used to on a daily basis. We’re all learning here. HG post these letters to teach us to spot red flags of the narcissist, or letters from empaths, normals, or narcissistic people. The only person I know, who can spot the difference with no errors, is HG. I’m grateful he’s here to teach us and everyone makes mistakes, its part of learning, is it not???
Hello Stella,
I have to make another reply to your comment to me here, you said, “You have no idea the manipulations I suffered…” I can imagine what you went through, believe me I can. My brother was a narcissist and tried to rape me, when I was 12, and I haven’t listed the things my mother did to me, or my first husband, or what I deal with on a daily basis with my current narcissist husband…so, yes, Stella, I can imagine and can understand. We’ve all gone through it with narcissists in our lives, it’s why we’re all here learning from HG. Xx
Stella,
Your letter is very touching and it resonates with me. I can understand that you felt (or maybe still feel) that you had nothing left to give. It makes sense to me that you wanted to keep the door locked forever. Although I can understand you, your letter also makes me feel sad.
I think you have much more inside you. It’s evident in your excellent writing and knowledge of a foreign language. It’s evident in your reply to Rebecca.
I don’t think the narcissist took those things away. I think it is your own self that is protecting you. It is your own defensive mechanism shielding you. It is natural not to trust after having your trust abused in a cruel way. It is also natural to feel anxious about allowing anyone else to get close enough to be able to do that again.
If you listen carefully to your inner voice or inner emotions, it will guide you. It may be slow and difficult, but the voice is still there. No-one can take that away. I don’t believe you need to lock the door forever.
Rebecca,
I can also understand your thoughts about this letter. Your comment resonates with me too.
At the point when I ‘discovered’ the truth about narcissism and the narcissists in my life, I had both a racing mind and overwhelming emotions as well as the feeling that I wanted to avoid any situations that might cause the same threats. While my mind was racing and I felt like I couldn’t escape my own head, I also wanted to lock the door forever. There were days when I was on auto-pilot, willing myself to just keep going, and there were also days when I couldn’t even do that.
It wasn’t an either/or problem. It was both happening together. I felt drained and emotionally exhausted, yet my emotions wouldn’t leave me alone to think in a rational way. It felt like being on fire yet also being unable to escape a burning house. It was a horrible feeling.
While reading these letters and the replies to them, I find that there appears to be a tendency for people to think that if they wouldn’t do or say something, that means the letter-writer can’t be an empath because the letter-writer is not ‘like them’. And, if the letter-writer isn’t an empath like them, then it follows the letter-writer is a narcissist or narcissistic.
To me, this is considering empaths in a narrow way. There are many kinds of empaths and not all of them will have the same drives, motivations, experiences, reactions, beliefs, etc.
Thank you WiserNow. Your nickname would fit me perfectly because I, just like you, feel wiser now. This is the reason for me to keep my door locked forever. You see, I had several narcissist both familiar and romantic in my life; I think my sister and my mother in law are narcissists, and also my former husband, but only the last one I met destroyed me. I had several consultations with HG about him and now I understand why. I am a type of empath (standard) who is naturally addicted by middle mid ranges type b, and that narc is a MMR type B. So when an empath collides with the type of narc to whom he or she is naturally addicted the damage is substantial. Now that I lowered my ET I’m writing a book about my experience, the title (in English) is “An Angel Behind the curtain), and it’s a psychological thriller. Maybe one day I will find someone to translate it into English
You’re welcome Stella.
When it comes to my nickname, I sometimes think the ‘now’ part is more important than the ‘wiser’ part. I’m getting a little ‘wiser’ all the time. I don’t think I will ever be ‘wise enough’ though 😉😏
You are the one who knows yourself best and if you want to keep the door locked forever, it’s totally up to you. It sounds like you have been surrounded by narcissists all your life, so I can understand. It’s very peaceful and liberating to be happy and alone.
I think I understand you a little better now. When you say “lock the door forever”, do you mean in the sense of not having an intimate male partner? From what you say and also this thread, you have friends and you are enthusiastic about learning and writing. This sounds to me like you still have an optimistic outlook on life, however, having a romantic partner is where the door is locked. Also, you are more aware and can choose your ‘friends’.
In some ways, I am like you. I also am quite content to be alone when it comes to a male partner, even though I don’t think of it as locking the door forever. As the saying goes, never say never. Although, I can kill my own spiders, open my own jars, and use my own power tools, thank you very much. And it means I don’t have to hand out a medal every time someone washes his own socks or boils an egg… haha 🙂
I’m joking (a little) …
Seriously though, your book sounds very creative and interesting. I think writing is an excellent way to understand your own thoughts and experiences while doing something you enjoy. I wish you all the best with it. Maybe, you will be able to translate it into English yourself one day. That can be another creative project for you 🙂
Thank you again Wisernow, when I say that I will keep my door locked forever I mean that I will never feel the typical sensations of romantic love. With regard to romantic partners when I met the last narc I was living with a partner but we were going through a period of crisis and that narc targets only married or engaged preys because they are more vulnerable. My partner has known of my affair but he decided to forgive me, so I’ve never closed my existent relationship and 2 years later my disengagement from the narc I married my partner so I am not alone. Of course I don’t love him anymore, anyway I finally live in peace. My book will be very long, I think I will divide it into 5 volumes, I can’t translate it myself, I can only translate from English to Italian because serious translators can only translate into their native languages and moreover it would be too much work; the rest of my life won’t be enough 🙂
Thank you for your reply Stella and thank you also for explaining more about your situation. Your reply here sheds light on the sentiments you wrote about in your letter.
I understand more now what you mean by “lock the door forever”. It sounds like it’s not about locking the door forever on ‘love’ in its entirety, but more about ‘romantic love’. Perhaps you are locking the door on the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet; the kind that is intoxicating and idealistic. The kind glorified in novels and films that seems to have the potential to change your life and ‘rescue’ you from reality.
It also sounds like your partner (now husband) is an understanding person who knows you well enough to forgive you and grow with you in a relationship. Perhaps you both learned and moved on from the crisis you experienced in the past. I think this is a positive thing.
In the way you have written your letter and explained it also in your comments, it sounds like there is a part of you that feels a kind of loss; a bit like a resignation or an admission that you cannot enjoy a kind of excitement or pleasure anymore. I understand that you also explain how damaged you felt and how much it took from you. Two kinds of sentiments.
There is something about writing I have found in my own experience. The more ‘real-life’ experience you have, the more you can write about and the more compelling the stories are. If a writer hasn’t actually lived the story, it is harder to write about it.
I think your book will be very interesting and compelling to read Stella, made even moreso because of your experiences.
Hi Rebecca, I was void of emotions, most of my life. It seems that can go either direction but not, sadly for us, just “normal”. I found this letter quite sad and I also understand never being the same after a narc but since I was raised by narcs, for me it’s more never knowing normal so not wanting things to be the same. Stella was affected the opposite, but in a way the same, way.
One thing I’ve noticed in reading these letters, I didn’t pick up on the narcissistic clues in the previous one until commenters began pointing them out. So these letters have shown me that I’m still gullible, I need to pay attention to the clues, with new people here and also in my real life. They are distinct and obvious if only I’ll allow myself to see them. I’m going to be rereading Red Flag, yet again, as a result.
Hi AV! Xx
I’m still learning the red flags too and the analysis of the letters are just analysis and nothing meant as personal attacks, this is a learning blog and HG is the teacher, we are all his students here. Xx
Hi Rebecca, I didn’t think there was any personal attack, no worries.
Thank you AV xx
I didn’t mean for my analysis of a letter to start a debate, or to hurt anyone’s feelings. It was just my observations of how the letter sounded to me. My own letter is angry and my anger can get me into trouble sometimes, along with my mouth. I just blurted out what I thought, without thinking and I do that. I’m human and my mouth gets ahead of my brain. I wasn’t trying to point the finger and hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m sorry, if I hurt anyone’s feelings, it was not my intention. Xx
Hi Rebecca, no need to apologize to me, as you said, were all here to learn. Sometimes learning happens most effectively when the is a bit of debate, even as I personally stay as far away from that as possible if I can. I am glad you’re here to learn, you are so often a bright spot. 🙂
Hi Rebecca,
I most admit that I do self-pity when I’m very down. However I don’t seek sympathy from others. I withdraw from people and stay by myself until I feel better.
Hi Jasmin,
When I’m down, I withdrawal from people, go to the woods or by the river and just be by myself. I don’t like pity from people because my mother was a narcissist who got off on pity from people and it’s a painful reminder of her and how she was.
Hi Rebecca,
I also turn to nature if I’m down but if I’m depressed or highly anxious I stay in bed. I go to the toilet and the fridge and if the fridge is empty so that I have to go to the supermarket then I cover myself up with cap/hat and scarf.
Lucky you Jasmin. Being able to cover myself up with a cap, hat, or scarf is my goal weight.
I do this also Jasmin, now that my kids are grown and I can. Sometimes it is the way to best take care of myself, sometimes it’s all I can muster. Good to know I’m not the only one. 🙂
Hahaha NA! That made a fun picture.
Hahaha!
Jasmin (hi 🙂 )
You wrote “However I don’t seek sympathy from others. I withdraw from people and stay by myself until I feel better” – that is what I do / did. It is a form of coping mechanism that is not taught but learned, in my case, parental narcissist was not “available” when I needed to talk and so I never learned how to communicate how I felt / thought, then again, I was away at school during the teens. Interesting to go back and recall some people “responding” in the same way as you say, others would do the ‘oh, woe, is me’ with a group around them – I would ‘push’ them away (or, walk away), not wanting to talk to a group (or, maybe, I should call it a ‘gaggle’), only one or two friends. I was like that in ‘anger’ periods too. Either it is part of my “formation”, or, my Aspergers (too crowded, too “noisy”, too many people “cluttering” my thoughts / emotions during an intense emotion – possibly a meltdown moment, sometimes that can lead to what is classed as a ‘shutdown’, overwhelming). When I say “formation”, I am referring to possibly the Co-D ‘segment’ of my ‘being’.
Aspie ‘meltdown’ – I wonder if the narcissist’s ‘version’ is when they experience a large threat to control moment (or, even a narcissist’s reality gap?), and the ‘shutdown’ is the narcissist’s ‘version’ of experiencing a fuel crisis? Just thinking out loud and I may be ‘corrected’ on this suggestion 🙂
Hi Asp Emp☺️,
‘I never learned how to communicate how I felt / thought’ – yes, same, I really do struggle aswell. My mum didn’t often communicate her feeling. On the very rare occasions she did I can tell she was really forsing herself. I’m like mum in this regard and I haven’t been able to teach my children. I’m there, I feel them, hold them but I often don’t know what to say.. (or can’t get what I want to say out)
With patrinarc, if I told him about any misfortune in my life he would offer some false compassion to begin with but very soon he would turn it in to stories about his misery. My feelings were invalidated.
And finally, stepshit, clearly found pleasure in my misfortunes and I decided to not allow him to do so.
For me – I think that I do withdraw from people partly in order to protect my feelings from getting invalidated and/or being subject of malice, but also to not burden others. (I did expect nearly everyone to absorb feelings of others)
‘Anger-periods’ 😂 😂 Spittounge, I have no idea what you’re talking about!?
I suspect our narcissistic trait of anger is very different in strength.
I do get angry sometimes but anger for me tend to be more of an inwardly emotional response, stormy on the inside but on the outside I remain calm and sober-minded. On rare occasions, if someone is furious at me I experience an explosive anger an shout back. I think that is the only time my tongue spit!
Good that you stay away from people during your anger- periods! I’d feel sorry for them otherwise..😆
Jasmin, thank you for your reply. Interesting about how you struggled to communicate with your children because of the impact of the parental narcissist’s “methods”. Patrinarc took over the “conversation” because it was about you and not him. Childhood invalidation by narcissists does do a great deal of ‘harm’ and it is very difficult to ‘reprogram’ one’s thoughts / emotions around it and then having to learn / recognise triggers before they can be managed. With regard to the ‘anger’, it does seem that you and I ‘react’ differently in some aspects. I didn’t want to be around other people at that moment, I suppose, it was either at an individual’s provocation (ie shouting back), or an external stressor (ie trigger of childhood trauma). I was never physically violent towards people, only verbally (or objects). so people were safe in that regard apart from maybe a ‘dent’ in their feelings / thoughts. Between me and friends when young always made up within hours, minutes even. Now that I know / understand the base (childhood trauma / abuse), I believe my anger has reduced in impact because I am aware of it and I also see it in my behaviours. Thank you for sharing about your experiences, Jasmin 🙂