Knowing the Narcissist : War
I am a seething bundle of conflict and vitriol. I have my fury churning away ready to be ignited at a moment’s criticism. The song once asked, “War, what is it good for?” My answer would be. Absolutely everything.
War is the tool by which I reign and by which you are kept doing what I want. Providing me with compliance and fuel. I am on a permanent war footing because I am red of tooth and claw. I must always be ready to defend myself against your uncalled for and unwarranted attacks which you are prone to launching my way. I do not know why you do this but you always want to put me down, blame me or go one better than me. I cannot understand why you behave this way, not after I do so much for you. Yet you always do it, managing to ignite my fury with your words and actions. I have no choice of course.
I have to exert my superiority over you and if I was to ever fail to respond to your attack then I would be doomed. In fact, so used have I become to these unnecessary and gratuitous assaults which you launch against me that I will often launch my own pre-emptive strike designed to keep you in your place. I am in control. I am god of the world I have created for us and you must always remember this. I would much rather not have to do this. I would prefer not to lash you with my vicious tongue, roll out a silent treatment or in the case of the less sophisticated of our kind, subject you to a battering from fists and feet, but you bring it on yourself.
You should know by now what I like and what I dislike, yet you infuriate me still by saying and doing the wrong things. I know you do it on purpose because you are trying to assert some kind of power and authority over me. I have no idea why you feel the need to do this because you cannot ever outgun me. I have batteries of malevolent missiles to launch your way, megatons of vicious exploding insults to rain down on you and so much firepower that I could annihilate you a hundred times over.
Yet, notwithstanding my superior armaments you still insist on trying to do me down and thus I have no choice but to smash through your boundaries, exert my control and blitzkrieg you into defeat. You should know that someone like me who is in a permanent state of war-readiness cannot be defeated. In fact, I know that you do know this but you still exhibit some perverted delight in trying to prove me wrong.
You should have learned by now that I am always right and you should accept this. Yet you keep trying to correct me or even worse show me up in front of others. It is little wonder that in the face of such provocation that I erupt behind closed doors and steamroller you into submission. You then have the audacity to call me for my unreasonable behaviour when you started it. This is why I truly do think that there is something wrong with you. Any nation that decided to embark on a full-scale war with the might of a superpower such as the USA would be deemed crazy, it would be a self-destructive and suicidal act.
Yet, in the same way you see the might of my firepower, my array of gleaming guns, miles of ammunition and battalion after battalion of trauma tanks and you still provoke me. My fearsome fighter planes which unleash their manipulative missiles against you and the squadrons of bombers which are always ready to carpet bomb you with malice into total submission are obvious to see and yet you still insist on engaging in war with me. I am the lord of war; it is what I have been created for. I am always ready for the fight, I am on high alert and in the moment of a murmured insult I launch into action. I am highly-trained and designed for combat.
You are not and still you engage me, trying to outflank me and outwit me. You launch trumped-up accusations at me but they will fall short of their intended target and then you will be subjected to the full might of my armies as I strike back. Anybody who would goad a superpower such as myself is clearly insane and your repeated attempts to do this put you firmly in this category. It is only the truth I therefore tell when my propaganda broadcasts to your family and friends point out that you are clearly unhinged. You are. Your repeated attempts to topple me bear testament to this insanity on your part.
Everything about me is designed to defeat you. I am the anointed one. I am the king of this kingdom and can never be usurped. This is why I have been created as the total war machine. I have been designed in this way to always triumph, my ever-ready condition a necessary pre-requisite to crushing any rebellion on your part. Why not for once finally submit to my hegemonic control? Why not recognise that you can never win and submit to my good governance? After all, I only have your best interests at heart. You cannot defeat a machine which is always primed for war. An outbreak of peace will do you the world of good won’t it?
7 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : War”
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Indeed. I provoke quite often. Even now, when I felt the financial loss, after taking my extras, and only my basic salary was left. When the cruel sting of injustice pierced my skin… I had to swallow the frustration, all the logical arguments (there was no point in presenting them) and the desire to react immediately.
I’ll use it… later.
Now, the stage of getting closer begins again, praising me in public, expressing approval for my ingenuity, diligence and intelligence (blah, blah, blah, completely unnecessary, you are advertising yourself trough me) – even when I could bow my head slightly and end the “dispute” in wich I lose privileges – I can’t.
When something is weak, stupid, embarrassing, irritating – I will take care of it, explain it, and with good will it will be possible to correct it. I am also open to it. Instruct me and evaluate me. I’ll think about it.
When something is weak, stupid, embarrassing, irritating, but someone pretends to be above others – I can’t look at it calmly and do nothing.
‐———
You came back from long vacation and attacked me on the first day, something I gave it to you on purpose a month ago and I knew it would come back to me through someone else.
I checked. I didn’t expect you to reacted so quickly… The first day back… How frustrated you must have been with my silence… You disappointed me…
Bitter feeling. I instinctively walked over to my calendar and wrote ONE WORD on it. I know you come into my office, when I’m not there. It’s like a ticking time bomb. I know, that in time perspective, I will lose something again.
It’s hard. Vile and disgusting.
Yes, I get a strange satisfaction from you whipping and punishing me with the hands of others. I know exactly who’s behind this.
The fuel of thought warms me as I imagine your face, when you find and read THIS WORD. Will you hit the wall, when no one can see? Will you kick my desk? You gonna call me a bitch? Or will you control your emotions and leave my office with your face white as chalk and your legs stiff?
What will you do in retaliation? Whatever – I will continue to watch you with indulgence.
‐———
I explained to you together. I didn’t want that damn promotion. Another binding. I felt it would make me unhappy, even though I would be financially calmer. I thanked you, the best as I could. I declined subtly and gently. I just moved slightly to the side. I didn’t disappear. I’m still here. I would support you. I just wanted to stand back a bit. I wanted peace.
You told me, there would be no repercussions for this…
(I wanted to believe, even though I knew I would be punished).
You took my refusal as an attack.
It is your problem, that you cannot walk side by side with me, because I am now in a lower position. You won’t let me stay in the place I like best: among people, not above people.
As if you envy that you can’t be here anymore…
————
You didn’t leave me alone. So let’s continue. I’m ready for anything.
Just please, at this etap, stop fawning over me. I prefer when you attack. Then, I some more respect you.
–‐–‐——
Postscript – a day later:
I wrote the above yesterday at dawn, before work. I didn’t have time to translate for English to send (like most of the texts).
When I got to work, I was immediately informed, that while I was absent for several hours the previous day, you had entered my office. I calmed the feverish voices and bristling exclamations by smiling and saying: “Good. You could have let him hang out longer.” 🙂
You’re disappoint me. You can’t your moves in long time. You’re getting too obvious.
Once, you used to search my office on weekends or afternoons. You’re the boss now. Of course, you have the right to come in whenever you want. But you don’t visit me… not at all, though not long ago we were almost inseparable. Decided to take over “my territory” a few minutes after I left? Really?
Did you feel satistaction, when you turned the key in my office door? You sat on the visitor’s chair… hmmm, interesting…
Did you smell my scent? And most importantly: Did you manage to read the WORD written in the calendar, before “my” came running to ask if they could “help you” with something? Never mind. I know you’ll come back on the weekend and sit in my chair, when no one but you and your cameras are in the building.
What do you do? You can fire me, make me disappear, erase me, but it won’t to profitable for yoy, right?
He headed me for 20 years. Smoothly, lightly, with mutual pleasure and benefit (of a different kind). He drove me and inspired me. I read his intentions in a second. He knew it and he like it. He took, what I gave.
Remind yourself. You’re imitating him, I see.
Just do it. Can you control your emotions like him?
Carry me on the wings or just leave (let me work in peace). There is nothing in between.
Joa, you wrote about what the boss did in your office when you are not there – I knew that my work space had been “invaded” because things, or papers. had been moved, even if the door was locked (because it was admin / personnel files / company information etc in locked filing cabinets – I always took the keys home with me). I was not necessarily paranoid, I was disgusted at the ‘behaviours’ because I did (do not) do that on principle of respect.
I have to admit, you gave me some amusement when you say you wrote one word on the calendar. One word. 🙂
Asp Emp, he was to come and he did. The only thing that surprised me, was that he was so determined and did it so quickly.
He marked “my territory”. I was supposed to know.
Top bosses can go anywhere and see anything. Except for the ladies toilet… and except for my head (at the moment).
He got where he wanted (to the top) – but the hunger did not disappear.
I am guilty. Because, I helped him climb up there, and then I turned away/he rejected me or he rejected me/I turned away. It always happens simultaneously.
Enough about him. At the moment – he is alien. Though I know, that can change in a minute. In hindsight, he will need me.
Joa, you did not know that you were “helping” him get to the top job. I understand how it can make someone feel / think after you “help” them with their “aim” and then they ‘drop’ you which can lead to confusion as to why they ‘treated’ you like that. Interesting that, for some narcissists, work / intimate relationship occur at the same time, so it can appear that there may be more ‘damage’ to the victim. It only made sense when one finds KTN & read to learn, understand and look at it differently. I no longer get upset (anger / sadness) when I think back to a work incident. It is done (past). It is also now, dusted off (today). Not forgotten, nor forgiven, but a lesson “learned” / understanding / prepared for recognising the signs (future).
AspEmp, no way! It was me who took under my wing a “shy” 19-year-old, who started working in our company. He developed very quickly. I was helping him. He learned a lot from me, but I also learned a lot from him – self-confidence, expressing my thoughts and judgments out loud. Mutual benefits. During this time, he completed two fields of study + MBA at a reputable university and with honors. I recommended him and promoted him among employees. I had known for many years, what position he would take (even when he had moments where he didn’t believe it). And I know that this is not the end of his path, although some time must remain at this level.
A few years ago, he also “seduced” my best friend in our company and we were a trio. Now we’re both laughing: “Look, what a monster we’ve created!” (even she got little “slapped” by him yesterday). I know perfectly well, what is going on in his head. He has to figure it out. He, on the other hand, is amazed at my decisions and has been cut off from me.
He has only two ways: he will fire me and “erase” me (difficult to do + poor result for him) or he will come to me and treat me “equally” and fix his mistakes + satisfaction.
He is smart. His priority is money and power. He will choose the second solution. He will still need me.
But right now I’m in for a hard time – pointless games and unnecessary devaluation – maybe a few months, maybe even years (I don’t think so). It disappointed me a bit. He has to control it.
He’s not the first person I’ve helped on his journey. There are others, who are now more important than him, although not in our company anymore. This is also a significant factor.
Once, one of the employees jokingly told me: “Have you noticed, that whoever sits in the chair next to you, will get a high promotion? I sit down, I want too!” Hahaha 🙂
Only I am in the same position all the time. And I won’t let move. This is my place.
Don’t mock me.
Don’t humiliate.
You waste of time.
UNDERSTAND ME.
As I understand you (though sometimes I condemn – but even my condemnation will serve you).
AspEmp, please, let’s not drag this topic anymore. I had to write and pour out bad emotions, but right now he’s not the focus of my attention, though of course I watch him out of the corner of my eye. Enough about him 🙂
I understand you perfectly.
The Revolution.