Knowing the Narcissist : Chained



Are you or is somebody you know chained to the narcissist?

Are you a co-dependent? What does this mean?

How did you become this way? How does the narcissist know what you are?

How does the narcissist exploit this condition and how might you escape him?

These questions and more are posed and answered in this fascinating book. Delivered direct from the dark-hearted master, the narcissist provides his unique observations on those who are co-dependent and find themselves chained to the narcissist.

US e-book here

UK e-book here

CAN e-book here

AUS e-book here

46 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Chained

  1. Asp Emp says:

    Well, I finally got around to reading the book ‘Chained’. Very interesting to get insights into your sister’s original security ‘blanket’. It was a revelation that I had not expected because of what I had read on the blog previously. Yet, it pleased me. The summary of your sister’s story at the end of the book was very good to read and, again, rather a surprising revelation. Good for your sister 🙂

    I can also understand a lot better on the degree (measurement of the Co-D school) of the Co-Dependent can add to the impact of the difficulty of, even, an aware empath to break away from the narcissist within their environment.

    Yup, a very interesting read. I am glad to have read it now. Thank you for sharing that information, HG X

  2. Dolores Haze says:

    ‘Twas a chilling and fascinating read. HG, how common is it for a majority or strong minority codependent to fall physically ill from non-physical abuse by the narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Rebecca says:

        Dear HG,

        The reason why i can withstand so much abuse is because of my Codependent side and it’s not affected by illness from the ensnarement. I can do this because of my conditioning and my habit of disassociation and dismissal of abuse, correct?
        All this time I just excused their abuse for something I deserved, that I was just a bad kid, teen…and I just accepted it as my due. I’m still doing it….like I want to be punished, I deserve it and I accept it, it’s like I don’t feel right and productive, if I’m not being abused. How messed up is that?? How messed up am I?? These aren’t rhetorical questions, just wanted to clarify that…xx

        1. Leigh says:

          Hi Rebecca,
          Have you seen this video? I think it might be helpful.

          You don’t deserve to be punished. That’s your ET conning you again. Its using self doubt to keep you on the wheel of misery.

          1. Rebecca says:

            Hi Leigh,

            Thank you for being so helpful. Xx I think I have seen that video, if it’s the one I’m thinking of. I’ll check it out. Thank you. Xx I’ve gotta get out in nature today, need a recharge and some peace. Xx

          2. Leigh says:

            Hi Rebecca,
            Ugh! I couldn’t stop crying yesterday either! Some days I can’t control my Geyser. When I’m crying like that I really prefer the carrier piece of me that’s stoic. I’m blaming the dreary weather, lol!

            On a serious note, I love what Annaamel said below. The fact that you wrote that post means you at least have awareness now. That is a huge step in the right direction. I look at Prince Harry and Will Smith and see that they’re still indoctrinated. We’re not! That’s something!

            I love what TS said too. We can use the results as a guide. Now that we have this incredible information about ourselves, we can recognize when it’s happening and stop it.

            You got this Rebecca! We got this!

          3. Rebecca says:


            Thank you so much for the video link, I didn’t see this one before and it was very helpful. Thank you. Xx
            The video mentioned martyr traits and behaviors, I’m surprised I don’t have martyr in my empath make up because I definitely self flagulate and I’m a perfectionist to the point of causing myself more stress and frustration.
            The video helped me see some things my mother did that I just disregarded like, she manipulated my friendships by causing problems with my friend’s parents, starting rumors and alienating me from them. She’d have Tupperware parties and start trouble by stirring the pot with parents and boom, I can’t hang out with Mary anymore because my mother told her parents some stories about me. She didn’t want me having Mary for a friend, she didn’t like Mary for whatever reason, so she made Mary go away. She did the same with my dad’s family. She didn’t want me around them, thought they were beneath her, and so beneath me, because I was an extension of her…so she would keep them away from me. HG, there’s her haughty behavior…my Aunts even told me, last year, that my mother thought she was better than them. Remember I argued with my aunt about my mother and her haughtiness towards my dad’s family.?? Shit, I got so eager to get the answer to my mother’s ND that I didn’t think to add these small points, I just was so quick to concentrate on the big points….Damnit I did screw it up! Shit!
            Anyway, we’ll discuss it later….what an idiot I can be…sorry…anyway, thank you, Leigh, the video was very helpful , relatable and educational. Thanks HG for sharing your knowledge and making the video. Xx

          4. Leigh says:

            Hi Rebecca,
            I’m glad you found the video helpful. It was definitely eye opening for me as well. I love digging through narcsite and finding these gems. There’s such a wealth of info on narcsite.

            I wouldn’t worry to much that you missed some small points about your mom on her NDC. I’m sure you didn’t screw it up and you’re not an idiot. That’s just more self flagellation and self doubt. I’m sure Mr. Tudor had enough information to give you a thorough analysis of your mom.

          5. Rebecca says:


            We definitely got this! Xx

          6. Rebecca says:

            HI Leigh,

            I’m going to discuss my mother’s ND with HG, no worries. Xx

        2. Contagious says:

          Rebecca hugs! I know people who had a bad childhood and were abused. Some adopt those traits as it’s as natural as the air they breathe. You did not. Broke the cycle. But others do not feel like they need to be abused. They avoid it. Repel it. So can you. You just need the tools! And you owe it to yourself to change this! Much love!

          1. Rebecca says:


            All I can reason why I feel like I deserve it, is because I was fed by my mother that I was bad, selfish, too sensitive, stupid, ugly and lazy. She had me believing what she said about me to me. I have a habit of needing validation about my worth as a human being. Why do I need that? Even when I’m told I’m smart, I think, thank you, but then I still doubt it. I’m not the dullest knife in the drawer, but I don’t think I’m very bright either. And I think, with my mother, if you weren’t very bright, you were stupid. With her, you were either all intellectual or you were dumb as a rock. All or nothing. She was so critical, that she complained on a beautiful day. She was a miserable person, she sucked the life out of a room. .. for years, she sucked the life from my dad and had me thinking of death, my death, before I was a teen. She was toxic and she left scars in my life, in my mind and my heart. I vowed never to hurt people like she did, never to hurt a child, an animal, never to be like her. I do my best to protect children, animals, people…I want to protect and heal, not harm and maim. I can’t stop crying today.

        3. annaamel says:

          ‘The reason why i can withstand so much abuse is because of my Codependent side’

          It might be that you qualify as co-dependent because you believe (instinctively) that relationships and drama are inseparable.

          ‘I can do this because of my conditioning and my habit of disassociation and dismissal of abuse, correct?’

          I’d think that’s correct, yes. You’ve developed coping skills that allow you to manage these types of relationships – to avoid being as negatively affected by the bad stuff as someone else, who hasn’t developed those coping skills, would be.

          ‘All this time I just excused their abuse for something I deserved, that I was just a bad kid, teen…and I just accepted it as my due.’

          This is usually the way young people process abuse within their families. They’re not able to see the situation objectively enough to identify that the situation itself is not correct or appropriate. They think it must be both those things and therefore they must be at fault if they are being treated as if they are not valuable.

          ‘I’m still doing it….like I want to be punished, I deserve it and I accept it, it’s like I don’t feel right and productive, if I’m not being abused.’

          It’s very familiar. Familiar can feel safe – even if you can see problems with it. It can feel safer than an unfamiliar alternative – a different type of relationship, or being single. You may associate being good or doing good with meeting the expectations of others. You may feel, deep down, that this is the only way you can be a good person – suffering in relationships while trying to make others feel better.

          ‘How messed up is that?? How messed up am I??’

          Someone who was really stuck would not be able to create a post like this, Rebecca.

          This post is a sign that you’re emerging from that conditioning and all those thoughts and feelings are untangling themselves and you’re seeing things more clearly and objectively.

          Once you see it all more clearly you’ll realise that you don’t deserve any punishment, any abuse. And that love and abuse are not an inseparable pair.

          1. Leigh says:

            Thank you Annaamel. I know this is for Rebecca but you’ve helped me too. Seeing the truth about the conditioning is a huge piece of the battle. Thank you for reminding me.

          2. Rebecca says:

            Thank you for your insightful answers to my questions. I’m learning so much about myself here and I just came for the answers about the narcs in my life and I’ve gotten so much more understanding, enlightenment and knowledge about a vast amount of human behaviors, narcs and myself. I’m definitely realizing the way my abuse was disregarded by myself and buried so I could cope with my life. I learned to survive, but not to thrive. My mother is dead. My brother is dead. It hurts, but they can’t hurt me now. LMRSOMATIC is out of my life. MLSOMATIC will soon be out of my life. My life is my life, my choice, my road. Now is the time to let go of the pain and thrive, live and fly.
            Burn the bridge, break the chain and leave MLSOMATIC in my past.

        4. Joa says:

          Rebecca, you put it right. Just like that! I also “separate” abuse. I do this until I want to cheat myself or… it’s “good” for me (emotionally – I’m hurting myself on purpose).

          But don’t think, I won’t come back to it. You will surely pay for each abuse one by one, when I decide it’s time. You will pay me with the “coin”, that is most important to you and the loss of which you will feel the most.

          Yes, maybe I’m “bad” too. But I’m not going to change that. That’s how I am 🙂

          Thanks to yours conversation, I looked again at the KTN Knowledge Vault. It turned out to “Chained” be in the text file in pdf. But, I was very glad! 🙂

          Perfect dollar exchange rate. The government just gave me back the excess tax, I paid last year. I have 5 days off ahead of me due to two national holidays in my country. All signs on earth and heaven indicated that I should buy it. And even my inner critic, grumbling whenever I buy something “just for myself” has quieted down 🙂

          I start reading today, at night. As the first – “Chained”. I hope to find some interesting things for myself there 🙂

          1. Rebecca says:

            Chained, I related to that book so much! I learned so much about myself in that book. I’m 27% Codependent, but I feel more like 50% , at least when I’m around narcs, I get triggered to act like a Codependent and I live with a narc, so it makes sense why I feel 50% Codependent….For the first time, I’m seeing me, how I am, without hearing any validations of who I am by someone else. Before how I saw myself was through repeating what others have said about me. I’m still full of self doubt, but I’m trying to learn self love. It’s such a struggle with me because I get pushback from some people telling me, you don’t hold yourself like someone who isn’t self confident. Just because I hold my head up and walk with purpose?? You can teach a dog that much. I carry myself with my head up and shoulders back because it’s my shield from attack. If I walk with confidence, I learned most people won’t mess with you. If you walk like a frightened sheep, the wolves will attack. It’s self defense 101 and it was something I very much learned quickly. Joa, I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from. Xx

        5. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Hi Rebecca,

          I think sometimes, when we get our detectors back, we look at the traits and we can perhaps be a little hard on ourselves if we are of a mind to be. We see all the mistakes we have made and now we can point to them on a chart! Good oh!

          The detectors are very accurate, I’m not disputing that. It’s the interpretation by the reader when they look at those charts that I’m getting at. You aren’t messed up. Situations you have found yourself in might have been messed up, but place you in an environment without narcs around you and you’d only be averagely messed up haha! Like the rest of the world.

          I have CoD as a minority element too. It doesn’t bother me. It is what it is. I can say that my CoD will activate under certain conditions, I have a good idea what those conditions are. So if I found myself in a relationship and those conditions were present, I would be alert to it. Knowing that it’s there tells me to be aware. That’s as much as it concerns me now.

          Looking back at past relationships I can point to the activation of the CoD element. What it did was slow my departure, but it didn’t prevent my departure on any occasion. Those who are majority CoD often have other sizeable minority elements sitting behind it. Those minorities will also trigger in certain situations. So even a majority CoD can get out unassisted. It’s likely slower, tougher for a majority CoD but it’s doable and there are majority CoD here on the blog that have escaped and done it pre knowledge.

          Chained is an excellent book. It explains CoD very well and I do see myself in some of it. But I don’t see all of myself in it. That’s the take home point. CoD is a part of you, but it’s not all of you.

          Don’t be too hard on yourself. I don’t think you want to be punished at all. I don’t think anyone does, not really. The problem is the narcs you’ve had in your life, not your empathic nature, however that might be constructed. Sort the narcs and the rest will follow 😉


          1. Joa says:

            TS, beautifully written! Nothing more, nothing less.

            Rebecca, it is very good that you are moving away towards nature and into solitude. Don’t be afraid, it’s the only way to know and accept yourself. Give yourself a chance to appreciate yourself and feel your “power” 🙂


            I read “Chained” very slowly, relating almost every sentence to thousands of situations in my life. Amazing text! I started reading at 23:00 and finished at 6:00 in the morning, and I’m only on… page 48 – so often I stop, repeat and turn back and let my thoughts run free and analyze. I definitely disagree with two things, but I will let my emotions, which are at a very high level when reading, fall before I write something. Wow, the text itself again knocked me into an emotional cosmos and storm 🙂 Wonderful 🙂
            Thank you HG. I don’t regret having bought this book. My inner critic (“Egoist! She spent so much money and bought books just for herself! You’ll still cry over this, you’ll see!” – oh mom, your typical prophecy of doom and gloom!) was completely pacified 🙂

          2. Dolores Haze says:

            I really enjoy your comments, Truthseeker6157. It’s you, NA and of course HG whose comments I always click on when visiting the blog. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and opinions.

          3. Rebecca says:


            Thank you for your comments. Xx I related a lot to the CHAINED book, saw a lot of my behaviors in there. I have 4 triggers for my Codependent side to run in and take over things….I wasn’t happy about being 27%, especially when I’m trying to be more independent and self reliant, and away from MLSOMATIC.
            I left a narc before, my ex was diagnosed Borderline, he was very abusive and violent. I had no other choice,but to leave him, it was unsafe to stay with me. I got out and it was long before learning anything about narcs, myself and before I really acknowledged the extent of the abuse in my childhood and it carried into my adult life through my ex husband and current husband. I know it’s possible for me to get away, I’ve done it before. I can do it again.
            Recently it was a matter of getting my plan together and making it happen. I’m getting it together. Just watch😊xx

          4. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hi Dolores,

            That’s such a lovely thing to say, thank you !

            I’ve had a rubbish day today and you have really cheered me up 🙂


          5. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hi Rebecca,

            You can definitely do it again. You have more support this time and most importantly, greater understanding about your current narc, how he operates and how he is likely to operate going forward.

            It’s not easy to escape Rebecca. The fact that you did it yourself before, pre knowledge, is huge. Your CoD might have hampered escape but it didn’t prevent it.

            Understanding your empathic make up I think can only be a good thing. It can’t change your past, but it can definitely change your future by helping to keep you safe. Once this part is over, once it’s all done, you’ll get to claim your narc free life.

            I will watch. Then I’ll cheer that another of our coven wriggled free 😎.

            A coven of empaths. I quite like that haha!


          6. Rebecca says:

            Hi TS,

            I like the Coven of Empaths 😂 has a nice ring to it.xx I’m thrilled I found a roomie and I got with her last weekend! I went to her place and we talked for about five hours. I think she’s an empath, like me,but she’s more self assured than me. I’m more reserved and shy at times, she’s more outgoing and speaks louder than me. Her childhood was very similar to mine, she even had a brother try to rape her. Thankfully her other brother grabbed him. She seems very caring and she’s older than me by 9 years, so I don’t have to worry about her being immature and careless. I know her through work, so she’s local and MLSOMATIC doesn’t know her, or where she lives. I hope she’s an empath, or normal, don’t need a narc roomie. I hope not. Xx

          7. Leigh says:

            This is fantastic news! I’m so happy to hear that you found a roomie.

            I remember a couple weeks ago Mr. Tudor talking about an early warning detector on the Questioning thread. You were part of the conversation too. Maybe you can do that early warning detector for the new roomie just to dot your I’s and cross your T’s.

            Here’s the link to the original conversation:


          8. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hi Rebecca,

            That’s brilliant news, you can visualise where you will be now, that should help make it all a little less unsettling. Take your time with your roomie maybe, decide what it is you want, friend, confidante, landlady whatever you think will make life comfortable for you in the long run.

            I remember at uni, people made friends quickly because it was all new, then, after about 6-12 months people were trying to avoid the ‘friends’ they made when they first arrived!

            Your experience with your brother is uncommon, statistically uncommon I mean. For this lady to claim a similar experience might be mirroring. It’s a red flag to keep in mind and it would be reason enough for me personally to keep my guard up for now.

            It’s brilliant news you have found a place to go, a great step forwards towards freedom, just be careful to take that step cautiously, you need a narc roomie like a hole in the head!


          9. Truthseeker6157 says:


            I laughed out loud at your comment. Definitely the only way to handle that haha!

            I read an article about things people often say when death is approaching, things they wish you could change. A common one was, “I wish I had been less concerned with being who other people wanted me to be.”

            I think you’re safe from that one. 😉


          10. Rebecca says:

            Hi TS and Leigh,

            Yeah, I definitely do not want to jump into another bad living arrangement. The lease agreement is month to month, I have mixed feelings a out that. On one side, it’s a good thing because if it turns out to be a bad situation o can leave in a month…on the other side, I don’t have a long lease to protect me in a way of a guaranteed home. It’s a toss up. Time will tell and Leigh, I still have the Early Warning Detector questions I bought from the Knowledge Vault, I can try some on her and see her reactions. Good idea xx

            I didn’t get any email notifications of your and TS’ responses, so it’s good I went back through here….Anyway, I’m playing it safe, TS, not jumping on the bucking bull this time. 😂 That could be read wrong 😂 Well, at least autocorrect didn’t change my words 😂 I’ll keep ya’ll informed. Xx

          11. Leigh says:

            Hi Rebecca,
            WordPress sucks with notifications. So I found a different way to keep track. I make it a point to like the specific articles where I’m having a conversation. This way when notifications aren’t working, I can just Log on to WordPress and go to my Likes and all the articles that I’ve liked are right there. I just find the specific article and scroll through to see if there’s a response to my comment. When I was waiting for a notification, I would often lose responses.

            I agree with TS about the roomie and her having the same situation as you with her brother When you first said it, I thought it was odd but I was trying to stay positive. I like TS’s idea of taking your time with your new roomie. I’m glad to hear you going to play it safe. Its probably best to keep the relationship as coworker or landlady.

            I like the idea of it being month to month. This way if you need to get out you can. There are laws in place to protect tenants, even squatters have rights. If she needs you leave, she has to give you notice.

            I’m excited for you Rebecca! You got this!

          12. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hi Rebecca,

            That sounds like a good plan. Didn’t want to sound like the little rain cloud there but with the excitement of escape I was just a bit concerned your guard would be down. Keep your gloves up! 🥊


        6. Jordyguin says:

          Sweet Rebecca, I have good news! Everyone is messed up👯‍♀️👯‍♂️
          Someone is less messed up, someone is more, who cares😁 On the other hand if everyone understood how rare the chances were for us making it alive and making it in the first place – the price which was paid, granting us our life is very, very high – paid by everyone who came before us – we would understand that our value is much more miraculous, than we were taught by our upbringing.

          Instead of repeating your mothers words about yourself, you gotta find out who you want to be now; with your new vision as you learn all of this. Her vision of you, which she made you adopt about yourself, was hers not yours. You gotta make the distinction when you hear yourself talking about yourself being this or that, or not worthy — it’s her voice not yours. And remember to get up and do physical stuff, move your body, dance.. – you’re a female, your strength and solutions come from your beautiful body (by moving it), not just from being in the mind and trying to figure everything out through the mind. Now, of course you can have your moments, cry, hate or pity yourself for 10-30min and when you’re done, you’re done. Dust yourself off and do your thing😘

          1. Rebecca says:

            Hi Jordyguin,

            One thing I know about myself, and I get told by friends and coworkers, I have lots of energy! I’m not a lay around and sit on my butt person. 😂 I’m definitely not lazy! 😂 Lack of activity has never been my issue, it was my mother who would lay around, sulk and watch TV. She was most likely projecting her own laziness onto me. She was very skilled at making me feel like shit. Guess what? As HG said it best, she’s pushing up daisies now. HG said that during one of videos, can’t remember who he was referring to, but it made me laugh. Now every time I think of my mother, I think, she’s dead, fk her and what she said or thought. 😂 It’s a great, liberating feeling to say that. 😂 Thanks HG for the funny comment. 😂 xx
            I work out daily to work out my thoughts in my mind, it helps me to concentrate and being out in nature helps me feel energized and happy, I work out the best ideas, while working out. Xx I feel very positive today because things are working out and looking up!

      2. Hillzx3 says:

        When I was with my narcissist husband I suffered many physical ailments/illnesses and he was not physically abusive. I didn’t even realize he was to blame until he had discarded me. I used to eat tums like candy with a container for work, home and my purse. I took Tylenol so frequently it caused liver issues. I ended up getting my gallbladder removed from having gallstones. As soon as he was gone, I realized I wasn’t needing my tums or Tylenol anymore. Stress affects the body in many ways even if you’re doing your best to pretend everything is fine.

        I did find this book interesting and it helped me make sense of our arrangement we shared for 13 years much better. Since he has left me I find my life is completely empty and meaningless. I feel like my life is on hold while I am sitting on his shelf. At the same time I know he is horrible for me and I deserve better. Logically I know many things, yet I am stuck in that emotional thinking trap with him. I still want to believe he could be better than what he is. He is a very complex case with many issues – bipolar, schizoaffective and a TBI. The behaviors happened before and after the TBI so I know that cannot be the reason.

        I did find interesting your explanation of the difference between the codependent and the narcissist being their level of confidence in themselves. I did not agree with it. From my perspective and understanding, narcissists do not have true confidence and only a false sense of confidence they use to push down their inner feelings of shame. I think their differences just lie more with their coping skills.

        I am still not quite sure if I am codependent or if I am just an empath with codependency tendencies. I’m not sure if it was just the relationship with my ex husband that brought out a stronger codependency from me as he had always been working on establishing that type of relationship between us while simultaneously claiming he detested a codependent type of relationship and blaming me for us having that type of set up.

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Sorry to read about your 13 year nightmare Hillz, so pleased you’re away from him now and physical health so much better. It is sad how they have no true self confidence and boost that from being horrible to others. I can’t imagine feeling I need to do that, I mean it wouldn’t bother me being horrible to an N but not would I go out of my way. It’s far too much effort. But it’s great when you see then it behaviours clearly, can explain them away and realise it’s not you, it’s them.

          I tend to reject control pretty quickly on the whole (at least when it’s driven by nefarious tendencies) and that’s in all situations which doesn’t mKe me hugely popular but I can’t help it. It’s just innate within me.

          I would definitely rather be alone than alone in someone else’s company.

          So pleased you see that he was at least responsible for your CD. I would definitely recommend the E detector . It really helps in understanding yourself and others.

          1. Hillzx3 says:

            Well I don’t blame him entirely for being codependent with him. Those were things I learned from my childhood. I think all codependents have come from bad childhoods to have learned these tactics. My dad was an addict and was abusive and I learned tactics to not poke the bear and to ignore the abuse by dissociating or escaping reality with books and video games.

            An interesting realization I had recently is that the relationship with my N began to become more serious once my father had left the picture. It had never occurred to me that the reason I’ve had no problem maintaining strong boundaries to keep my dad out is because I just replaced him with my ex husband. I keep meaning to change the focus to me and my childhood in my therapy, yet so far all of my sessions have been focused on my ex husband and trying to figure him out. Even when I have the answers, I still seem to choose to be delusional of the facts and think he’s still a good person deep down and is going to make things right.

            He was my first and only so I was extremely naive. His methods of controlling me were so subtle I didn’t notice them. He would never tell me what to do or what to wear etc. he always called me controlling for complaining about his drinking and partying. Yet I realized he did control me by complaining about anything I ever seemed to enjoy or that took attention off of him. And the typical manipulation tactics HG has described are also very familiar.

            I may consider to consult with HG sometime about myself and my ex husband to get his analysis. My therapist always says she can’t diagnose him lol but that he is abusive to me. The divorce turned my world upside down and I’m still trying to get myself sorted out to be more functional

        2. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Hillz, I would definitely recommend HG over any therapist. Therapists don’t want you to get better! And let’s not forget their lack any true insight. They’ve largely learned from books which have misguided them in many ways.

          HG is proud of what he does plus we all belong to him hahahah and therefore he is invested.

          When we feel like we’re undeserving, which I understand many CDs do, I find it helpful to refer to yourself in the third person. Somehow, when you think of these bad things happening to another person, your compassion can be far greater than it is for yourself. Huge hugs and so pleased you’re here to find your way x

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you for the endorsement, AS2016.

          2. Hillzx3 says:

            I do understand your point about therapists. It has been beneficial for me if only for receiving that validation that he is abusive and it’s not okay. This therapist has also been around us a very long time. She was his therapist first about 11 years ago, then about 6 years ago she saw us for couples counseling. So I have been lucky that mine had so much background information already so I didn’t need to waste the time trying to get a therapist to understand.

            It was also helpful to have a place to just vent. A few months in after he left me he successfully turned my friend of 14 years against me. He is very good at his victim act. Then of course once he had gotten me alone and isolated his abuse ramped up to another level. He wasn’t living with me anymore, had already found a replacement for me within a few weeks but we still had to handle the details of our divorce and selling our house etc. it was very much of a nightmare.

            HG has been around for me for a while. In the beginning I would watch his videos on my ex’s YouTube channel to annoy him and mess up his algorithm. Most nights I fell asleep to HG’s videos. His voice is very soothing even if he is saying things I didn’t really want to hear or believe. Anyway I did eventually stop watching them on his account knowing he would be getting fuel from the evidence of him being on my mind. He of course denies being a narcissist

          3. Leigh says:

            “When we feel like we’re undeserving, which I understand many CDs do, I find it helpful to refer to yourself in the third person. Somehow, when you think of these bad things happening to another person, your compassion can be far greater than it is for yourself.”

            That’s so accurate, Alexis. I often say that I don’t have empathy for myself. This is fantastic advice. Thank you for sharing it. Its great way to shift our thinking.

          4. NarcAngel says:


            So true that compassion seems to be greater for others than for self. I see people enduring things they would never accept if it were happening to their children. Very telling.

          5. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Hey Leigh, glad you found that helpful. I know it helped me when I started on this journey. It does make you feel a little sad at first but then when you realise how protective you are of those around you whom you love. You would do anything to try and get them out of a given scenario which was toxic for them, so why not yourself? Why let you suffer, you’re just as important and deserve to be treated well. Huge hugs xxx

    2. Joa says:

      Dolores Haze, very interesting question. Consistent with my observations… of myself.

      I believe it is possible. And I’m even sure of it, and I know exactly how it happens.

      May I know, why you asked this question?

      1. Dolores Haze says:

        Of course you may, dear Joa. Personal experience, observations of friends’ experiences (for example, MS diagnosis and/or relapse post-disengagement; chronic conditions, eating disorders, different addictions flaring up etc), and HG mentioning in one of the “Members Only” videos regarding a victim of an infamous narc who was “made unwell [in the aftermath]… common response of the codependent”.

        1. Contagious says:

          Dolores: stress… stress… stress… causes weight gain, mental anxiety and affects everything. So happy you are out. You haven’t done an E detector? Please do. You might not be codependent even.

          1. Dolores Haze says:

            I did, and a minority element is present. Luckily in my case I’ve never been an IPPS of a narcissist, but had numerous unfortunate episodes across different types of engagement from early familial to more recent work related, etc. In my case stress leads to a complete loss of appetite, and I’m balancing between underweight and normal BMI without the additional narc factor anyway.

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