Knowing the Narcissist – Provocation




We repeatedly provoke. The act of provocation is one which is designed to cause a strong and often unwelcome emotion in the recipient. On one level, it can be said that everything we do is provocative because we are always looking to cause you to be emotional, to react in an emotional fashion to what we do and as a consequence give us the fuel that we need. Thus when we tell you that we have finally found our soul mate, we are provoking you into generating an intense feeling of being loved (or at least thinking that you are being loved) which causes you to exhibit your love towards us and thus we gain our fuel. We pay a friend a compliment in order to provoke that person into at least thanking us, thus a small dollop of positive fuel or more hopefully (and indeed more likely because this empathic secondary source is well-mannered, honest and decent) we pay them a compliment so they will pay one to us and thus more fuel is garnered. There is no unconditional giving with our kind. We only give to receive.

Thus all of the things that we say and do, the manipulations, the chicanery, the machinations and the mind games are all designed to provoke you into giving us fuel. However, in its strictest sense, we provoke you in order to generate that intense response and one which is negative in nature. We provoke you so that you will explode in anger, erupt in a stream of profane insults and vent your frustration through a slap to the face or a mug hurled towards us.

We will push and push and push. Yes, many of you have a remarkable capacity to absorb these pointy sticks which jab you. Your kind are well-versed and skilled in the turning of the cheek, the adoption of the high ground and the making of allowances. You will bury the hatchet and we will dig it up again in order to give you a dig from the sharp point. You will let bygones be bygones and we will resurrect the memory of an age-old issue in order to rankle you.

Nothing is off limits in terms of provoking you. It might be focusing on a vulnerability of yours that we know about (having acquired this information when we seduced you) so that we remind you of a frightening episode from your childhood or capitalise on your terror of spiders. It might be homing in on your sensitivity about the size of your nose, the shape of your head, the bright red of your embarrassment. If you owe us money, we shall remind you of it and comment on your poor financial position. We may flirt because we know how much you hate the notion of us being unfaithful. We may repeatedly turn up late because you are an advocate of punctuality. We may criticise your parents, your choice of film, your culinary skills, your attempts to loser weight; whatever we have identified as a means for causing you to erupt at us we will do it.

We know which buttons to press. We have a knack and an instinct for doing so. This is because we are able to gather information about you when we seduce you which will be stored away and used against you at a later stage. This is also because empathic individuals are more likely to respond in an emotional fashion. Yes, you will soak it up at first by making allowances for our behaviour and indeed making excuses, exhibiting this selfless understanding for which you are famed. This will not dissuade us. We know that everybody has a limit of what they can take before they snap. Sometimes it is bursting into tears, running from the room or screaming. Other times it is exploding with a volley of curses, coming at us with flailing arms or shouting and screaming at the top of your voice about how awful we are.

Push, prod, niggle. Aggravate, rile, irritate. Ruffle, vex, bug. Irk incense and annoy. We will chip away at your defences, jabbing and poking as we look to make your blood boil, get on your nerves, get under your skin,  work you into lather and try your patience until you can take no more. We can sense the emotion rising in you. We notice the slight tells, the narrowing of the eyes, the rolling of the eyes, the sighs, the shake of the head, the hands on the hips, the raised palm, the jutting jaw and so on. The more you try to tell us that we are not getting to you, the more we are encouraged. We know that your emotion is building up inside of you. We know that it is increasing and no matter how much you are trying to maintain that cool exterior, we understand what is building up.

We not only have a medley of ways by which we provoke you, but we are experts in choosing precisely the best (worst) time to engage in this behaviour. Do any of these instances seem familiar?

When you are trying to get ready to go out.

When you are trying to have a telephone conversation with somebody else.

When you are trying to cook.

When you are trying to perform some chore.

When you are trying to get to sleep.

When you first come through the door after a long day.

When sat next to us in the car on a long journey.

When sat across from us in a restaurant.

When at some event of your choosing.

We will pick an inopportune time to commence our provocation so that you are caught off guard, when you are tired, when you are hungry, when you are anxious or stressed. The moment must be right for us and wholly inappropriate for you and then we can unleash the relevant form of provocation. We know what really gets to you. It may be the subject matter. It might be the way of conveying it, for instance patronising you or acting in a condescending fashion. It could be jabbing you with a finger on the shoulder to punctuate or words or giving you a dig in the back as you lie on your side in bed, after each savage sentence.

Eventually comes the eruption. You can only take so much and invariably when this provocation comes allied with an emotional state which makes you more susceptible to our provocations the explosion is all the more satisfying. Copious amounts of negative fuel fountain from you as you shout, scream, bang doors, slam your hand on the work top, swear and so forth. Inside we are soaring with the power that comes from the provision of this most excellent fuel. You, the paragon of virtue, the most patient of saints has been brought to boiling point and we achieved it. You have responded to our control. Our superiority is once again affirmed, we are the puppetmasters, we are omnipotent in our actions and you have responded as we wanted. Such marvellous fuel that sprays from you and we relish every drop.

Of course as it fountains and flows from you we will not want it to stop and the provocation will continue. Not only are we ensuring that we get to bathe in your overflowing fuel, we are using this eruption as evidence of how unhinged you are. Do not be surprised if this niggling, poking provocation occurs where others will see it. You can expect the whispered and insidious provocations to be used, the acts which are open to interpretation (although we both full well know exactly what was meant by our remark, our look or our gesture) and our good friend plausible deniability will be given an airing.

“Who me officer? I did nothing. She just exploded. I get this all the time, she has an anger management problem. John here will confirm she just went mental and started hitting me.” (Cue obliging Lieutenant).

“I don’t know what gets into her dad, she just erupts. You saw what she was like at mum’s birthday party. That is what I have to live with.”

“I feel sorry for you Mrs Johnson, having a daughter with a temper like that.”

We will provoke you. We will draw the delicious fuel that you will provide to us and then we will use your eruption against you as evidence of your unhinged mind, nasty temperament and unbalanced mental state.

Provocation is a mainstay of our behaviour. It comes in many forms, it is used in many different ways and on a range of occasions but its effects are always the same.

  1. The provision of a massive dose of negative fuel from a primary source;
  2. The exertion of control over you;
  3. The reinforcement of our image of superiority, lack of accountability and omnipotence;
  4. The creation of an emotional state in you which hampers your ability to think clearly and logically;
  5. The creation of a situation where you can later be made to feel guilty for erupting in the way you have at us;
  6. The manufacturing of a scenario which is used to reinforce our façade – we were calm and bewildered by this outburst.
  7. The manufacturing of a scenario which is used to smear you to third parties.

Provocation is a very useful tool to us. It is used extensively and repeatedly. Know why it is being used. Do not try to outlast it and exert your capability for patience, tolerance and understanding. You are just goading us to try harder. Remove yourself before your threshold is reached to avoid giving us points 1-7 above.

Provocation will always be used against you.

Anyway, who do you think you are looking at?

One thought on “Knowing the Narcissist – Provocation

  1. Free Indeed says:

    WOW…provocation in spades!
    I dated a lot in my formative years.  ALL narcissistic drunks.  (Or is it drunken narcissists?)
    It was always the same pattern, infact you could set your watch by it.  You could almost hear the steady tick tock countdown to the inevitable implosion.  It would be one to three months of fun, maybe some love bombing, of course not up to the sensibilities of the Greater, but none the less placement of the appropriate tidbits noted.  Then the shit show would commence. And here we go!!!
    I can think of a few names I would like to call this particular predator, but for simplicity, I’ll just call him Jeff.
    Met Jeff in a nondescript bar where he showed up with his freinds who happened to be aquaintances of my freinds.  Mingling was fun and we hit it off.
    We spent the next month or so doing the nominal dating escapades. 
    So one night, my being a fancier of good food and wine, I suggested we go out to eat.  Against my normal pattern of the best of everything, I actually picked a more moderate but popular venue as not to offend my new boyfreinds capable wallet.
    When we got to the restaurant, I asked him several times to take me up to the front door as is was bitterly cold and my legs were just adorned in thin but fashionable stockings. He adamently refused even though he was made aware, in no uncertain terms, how difficult the long walk from the end of the parking lot would be….OK then, the reviews were so enticing for the restaurant, I decided to brave the frostbite and off we went into the blustery evening temperature.
    Finally seated, I was treated to a litany of complaints served up cold from Jeff dearest, complimenting each delicious course delivered to our table by the endearing and conscientious wait staff.
    Capping the evening, as the decadent, mouth watering desert was delivered to our table, he saved the best provocation for last, to be devoured with the last remaining fork on the table.
    “My freind’s girlfriend is in between apartments and would like to move in with me….BTW. did I mention she was a stripper?”
    Now you need to understand my ancestry as English/German who are traditionally not noted for histrionics.   I could see his glee in the delivery of what he must have thought would create a plate throwing, wine spashing epic meltdown, fizzle into my single sentence response delivered in the most subtle of manners.  Afterall where would we be without manners in this society, especially when dining out.
    “I’m sorry to hear of her challenging situation, but I don’t want to date someone who is living with a girl”.  And with that, you could physically see his countenance sink in on itself, a sight I would come to see often as the provocation of each succeeding narcissist when their plans to whip me into a frenzy (with witnesses) ends with the audible Pffffffft sound as I choose not to engage.
    Returning back to his apartment, before settling in for the night, Jeff dearest removes himself to another room, picks up the phone, and launches into an argument with his ex wife…you know…the crazy one.  You could hear his rants through the thinly veneered walls of the aging abode.  “DO YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER????!!!  WHAT DO YOU WANT????!!! DO YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER???!!!
    muffled conversation ended the call and as he returned to my presence, he found me on my feet ready to head home for the evening.  Quietly out into the cold I stepped looking forward to the end of the evening, I’m sure he planned to unravel in a totally different flavor.
    Three days passed and the inevitable phone call was placed…”She is moving in…”. OK,  I wish you well.
    For the next month I would recieve many phone calls from a room full of “girls” ranting and hurling all sorts of not very creative insults.
    Three months later comes the call from Jeff dearest saying she moved out.  (I wonder till this day how she would review her short stay at Jeff dearest’s abode).
    Interestingly, you would think he was calling me to win back the hand of the fair maiden…oh what a mistake I have made, please forgive me, I can change!  Not a chance!  His last words to me were what a bad person I was for ending things so quickly.  It was all I could do not to break out in laughter!  I signed off quickly and placed the phone gently back into the cradle thinking to myself, maybe next time you will think better of fucking around with an Anglo-Hessian!  All the best Jeff dearest….

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