Why Being Smeared Affects You More Than Others
I have previously explained some of the forms that the smear campaign takes and also why they are so effective. Now I turn to the six reasons why they affect somebody like you so much. Smear campaigns are a constant in the arsenal of the narcissist. Effective, utilised through word of mouth and with the capacity to envelop several people at once who in turn perpetuate the smear, the smear campaign is a favoured manipulation of our kind. Here are six reasons why they affect you so much.
- Denial of assistance
The smear campaign is usually utilised during devaluation and on the cusp of discard. Its timing is such that you will more likely than not find yourself in a position of desperation, fatigue and confusion. Battered and buffeted by our manipulations through the devaluation period,you are in a poor position to defend yourself never mind having to defend your reputation with others. Once the discard hits you and knocks you for six, you are in need of considerable assistance. You need somebody to help you make sense of what has just happened. You need somebody to listen to you as you pore over the relationship and try to piece together (usually unsuccessfully) the cause of your fall from grace and subsequent discard. You will need assistance on practical items such as money, paying bills, eating, child care, washing and cleaning in some of the more extreme cases where your ability to function has been hammered. When your need for external assistance is at its highest, you find that those who you thought you could rely on to help you have been poisoned. Friends become unobtainable or suddenly busy with other commitments. Family are sceptical about helping you since they think you have brought it on yourself and they are even ashamed of your supposed behaviour. Colleagues are not inclined to assist someone who has been painted the way you have. These people disappear, turn their backs or even worse ally with our kind and the help and assistance you so desperately need has been taken away from you. This furthers your isolation, your pain and your distress. It also reduces your capability to address the nature of the smear campaign and neutralise it.
- The Corruption of the Truth
You abide by the truth. You speak it and live by it. Yes, you may tell the odd white lie but you are a paragon of virtue compared to our mendacious and repeated untruths. You believe in the truth and you need others to know that you are an honest and truthful person. You base your life on having honest dealing with people, both towards them and from them. It has been an horrendous enough experience dealing with our lies that we told time and time again to you, but it becomes even worse when you are being lied about. You may have reached the conclusion that we are well-practised liars and that is the way we are but to have your own reputation impugned and your character stained as a liar is anathema to you. This causes distress and the fact you know that other people are believing a lie about you will have a damaging effect on you and we know this full well.
- Frustration
You feel a huge sense of frustration that your reputation is being smeared but added to that is the frustration that people are actually believing what is being said about you. You are surprised and dismayed that people are falling for what we are saying about you. You are disappointed in those people who you thought would know better than to be taken in by what we have said. You really ought to know by now that just as oyu were taken in by our charm and seduction, so have they. Did you really expect them to respond any differently when you did not? The difficulty is, is that you know the truth about the lies being spun about you and you desperately want others to see through this but they do not. You understand why, because we base the smear on a grain of truth, we magnify and manipulate and twist and warp the truth so that people are deceived in an expert fashion but nevertheless you really though that people who you could rely on would see through this tissue of lies, this web of deceit. The frustration at this overhwhelms you and adds to the distress of the situation as a whole.
- The Lack of Control
We hate losing control. Most people do not like to lose control because this causes distress, anxiety and apprehension. If something bad happens and you are able to at least do something to address it, counter it or mitigate its effect you automatically feel better. However, if you are swept along on a tide by a force over which you can exert no control, the sense of helplessness is massive. You are made to feel like this because when the smear campaign commences your coping ability has been hugely reduced. We however are at the top of our game, calling the shots and orchestrating everything with considerable effectiveness. You do not truly understand why it is happening, why we are behaving like this and moreover why people believe what we are saying. You feel as if you have no control over the progression and outcome of the smear campaign and this increases its effectiveness in terms of how it affects you.
- Keeping Up Appearances
Related to the corruption of the truth. Whereas the corruption of the truth alarms you because of the way that a central quality which you adhere to and believe in is being damaged, the smear campaign is also damaging how people think about you. You are not a person who is immersed in pride. You are neither vain nor conceited but you still want people to think well of you because you are a good and decent person. You just want people to know what you are and to have them told that you are something contrary to your actual appearance becomes especially upsetting for you.
- The Hammer to Your Reputation
Not only is your character and outward appearance as a good and honest person shattered and dented by the smear campaign, the effects of a smear campaign often go further. Your professional integrity is called into question with ramifications for your job, career advancement and livelihood. Your standing in the community is adversely affected which could have repercussions where you hold positions of trust and authority. If you have to be licensed by the authorities in some way, a smear campaign can place that in jeopardy. You may lose friends, your family may distance themselves from you but the repercussions of a smear campaign can infect your professional life, your income, your integrity and your standing. You are made to feel like a pariah and you may lose clients and customers, the backing of your superiors, be regarded as an albatross to an organisation. People are obsessed with appearances and if you become a PR nightmare not only is your personal life hammered by the smear campaign your professional and business standing is also.
101 thoughts on “Why Being Smeared Affects You More Than Others”
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Dear NA–
Thank goodness someone came out and said what I’ve been thinking about c-nts! Carbon nanotubes are implicated in many kinds of malignant transformations of human tissues. I applaud your courage in speaking out about this pressing public health issue when no one else will. Screw those c-nts!!!
*Coppersmiths Union of North Texas (lodge 478) approved this message.*
Dear Mr Tudor,
What does your very interesting thumbnail picture represent, I think I have an idea, however, I’ve only just really noticed it? Ta !
Tarring and feathering which was a public form of severe disapproval, in effect smearing the individual.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Thank you for your clarification.
Dear Mr Tudor,
When the smear is from your own flesh n blood, the betrayal is worse!
Then when he sees me, he says ‘I love you mum ‘ and puts ♥️’s on all his communications! 🤥
Hello Bubbles, I’m sorry it is having such an impact on you and can understand how you feel. xx
Dearest Asp Amp,
Hi lovely, I’ve missed you, how have you been?
Thank you Asp for your understanding. It was quite a shock and I’m still processing it all, however, I just keep replacing my shields with new updated thicker versions. Haha
Xx 😘
Hello Bubbles, yes, I can understand that it was a shock and it can take time to process it mentally & emotionally despite knowing that it could be forthcoming – it still has the impact which is more difficult when it is not avoidable. It could be similar to a grieving process (shock, anger, grief, acceptance) and sometimes that “process” goes on to a higher level of similar emotions because the LOCE that someone else going through that can only be observed from a distance. I’m an ‘observer’ too and sometimes I do not like the fact I can only offer words and not actions. Thank you for your reply xx
Dear Asp Emp,
Many thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yes, I can relate to the grieving process and understand your situation regarding words and no action.
However, carry on we must, by continuing to take care of ourselves.
As always xx
Thank you Bubbles. Much love from me xx 🙂
Dear Bubbles, I have been reading your comments regarding your current circumstances. I wanted to say that I am sorry that you and Mr Bubbles are finding it difficult. I do understand. I’m sending you both my love xx
Dear Bubbles and AspEmp,
I’m going to be on the same boat soon, the smear boat…all aboard…here it comes….another smearing is coming my way….eveything has reached the end….the shit has hit the fan…and I’m struggling and juggling with my emotions, while the barn is on fire….I feel such turmoil in me, but I’m trying to work and function. Shitstorm xx
Rebecca, I’m sorry to read that. Are you referring to work or home ‘situation’? xx
Dear Rebecca,
Ohhhh nooooo! I truly feel your intense pain and hurt!
I have managed to ‘numb’ myself and continue with my values, principles and still hold my head up high .
To say and do nothing like the Royal Family works! If you don’t fire back, game over, they absolutely hate it! Let them think whatever they want ! There are two sides to every story and one is right !
Hang in there Rebecca, remaining cool, calm and collected painfully flaws them!
You can do this, cos I have !
💕xx
Hi AspEmp,
It’s a bit of both right now. Xx
Thinking of you, Rebecca xx
Dear Bubbles,
Thank you for your encouragement. Xx At this point, I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t try smearing me here.
I went to the doctor, having some issues with depression and nerve related issue. I got medication from the doctor and he quickly turned into all about him, how he’s more depressed than me and if I leave him, he’ll go back to drinking or cut his wrist…..got me feeling guilty as sin and got my ET flying right out the barn. I’ve calmed down some, but it wasn’t easy.
Stress at work isn’t getting better, so I feel like a rubber band right now. Xx
Dearest Rebecca,
Not stressing over something you have no control over works just as good. We are not responsible for others actions, only our own.
I have had to assert and reprogramme myself since I came here. I’ve also had to become more focused on my thought process and regulate breathing and calming myself when I’m triggered. It’s not easy to start with, however, determination is my best mindset.
I’ve had to for my own well being!
Of course I still get emotional, as we all have feelings, learning how to process them is a whole new ball game. It definitely takes practice. Controlling instant reactions to situations are testing, but worth it. Saying nothing or delaying it pays dividends in the long run.
It’s ok to say, I have to think about, or I don’t know or I don’t have the answer, or I will let you know when I give it some thought.
You then won’t reply with words you may regret later.
If you don’t want to continue a phone conversation, say, I have nothing further to say, this call/ text is now terminated. Bye ! Narcs generally sprout empty threats. If they squawk on with I’m gonna do this or that, say ok and walk away! You are not responsible, they are ! My mum did it all the time and never carried thru.
I choose to be happy and not bogged down by someone else’s issues. I will not let others make me feel guilty either.
Family is personal, so it’s harder, but doable.
Rebecca, give more slack to that rubber band and you will feel instant relief, guaranteed! The principles still apply in the work place lovely. Let stress be your guiding strength.
☺️ xx
Hello Rebecca,
Sorry to barge in on the conversation like this, but although I haven’t posted for a while, I have read quite a few of your posts, and this one hit me – just like Bubbles, I feel your intense hurt and pain.
So for what it’s worth, I thought I’d jump in to send some support your way too. What you are going through is really hard. It is really one of the most difficult parts – just before leaving your partner, If I got this right. On top of some issues at work, too.
I would encourage you to seek help from HG, in a consultation if you can. Maybe you have already one planned. He will definitely help you through this.
Also, I am wary of giving advice on here as I do not know everything people are going through, but one of my pet advice is: have a complete break from everything before you drown under stress, depression and anxiety; by that, I mean get some time off work, and away on your own if you can (easier if you don’t have children in your care). You mentioned feeling like a rubber band, “about to snap” is what I guess was implied. I think that for empaths, it is always harder to know when to stop, we strain ourselves till we drop, and then it is all the harder to come back up for air. So do not wait, do go and breathe if you can materially – you have a perfect right to, and in the end it’ll be beneficial to you but also to the people around you.
The threats of suicide if you leave are unacceptable. Please do not accept the guilt, that is totally unfair on his part. He can seek professional help if he can’t take it when you leave, i.e when you protect yourself.
I do hope you are hanging in there. All the best to you Rebecca.
HI, Rebecca – It is his problem if he does anything to himself – not your problem. He is trying to manipulate you. If he goes back to drinking or cutting himself, that is his problem. You do not need that in your life. You have the right to leave him if he is treating you badly. You don’t owe him anything. He will only drag you down with him. Please work on a plan to leave .
Hi Isabelle and Diane K,
Thank you both for your support, I have a consultation with HG already lined up and on the books. Xx
I’m at the point now, that I’m done with the threats and manipulations from him. He can threaten suicide, but if I express feeling down, he mentions that he can have me institutionized as my husband, he can claim I’m nuts….a threat I know and not possible without consent from a doctor, so his threat is based on bullshit, but it still upsets me….as you can imagine…then he’ll tell me he loves me, I tell him I don’t believe him. It’s then he goes into the speech about how much he needs me and that I’m such a good person, he’ll never do better than me, that no one will ever want him…pity plays….and my best friend is having issues and I try to help her, but she refuses to take help from me financially…I feel useless to help her ans then I get pressure from work, changing things….I just step back mentally, take a break, time for myself, before this rubberband snaps…I just feel pulled in so many directions right now and I feel useless to help with any of it….what’s going to happen is out of my control…my best friend, just told me she’s suicidal, my husband is threatening suicide….it’s all just hitting me….and I’m tredding water. Xx
Rebecca – ditto what Diana said!
“if I leave him, he’ll go back to drinking or cut his wrist”
You need to look after yourself. I am sure you can see how he has attempted to turn things around to make the issues at hand about his health. Do not feel guilty. It’s only a manipulation and it’s been used again and again by narcissists in an attempt to keep an IPPS around – because it works.
After I escaped my ex, and later, after I escaped my mother (yes, I almost became an NIPPS to my mother) they both insinuated what they might do to themselves at times…they are both still alive and kicking. And I have heard this manipulation in the stories of many an empath. (One that went back 11 times before finally escaping.)
Think of how HG has taught us about Threats and the Narcissist, and Suicide and the Narcissist – the percentage of narcs that follow through on either of this (while possible) is slim. It’s the power of the threat being held over you that, once executed, no longer holds any power.
Sorry if I have come on strong – but this whole self-harm/suicide narc threat thing makes me super angry.
Hi, Rebecca–
I understand feeling like a rubber band, and I’m so sorry this is your experience right now. It can be so difficult for us because we can feel so much for the other person, even though they are harmful. What I’m trying to remember for myself–and which you may or may not find useful–is that one of the things I do for problem people is stand between them and the consequences of their own actions.
When I do that–whether it’s through worrying about them, taking care of needs they can address, feeling sorry for them, reaching out, cleaning up their mess, paying their bills, responding to their displays–I’m getting in the way of the natural outcomes they’ve worked for and richly deserve. Whatever those may be. And it’s usually because I’m afraid of being a bad wife, bad friend, bad coworker, etc. But it means that instead of the shit hitting them (which, I assure you, they do not experience as we do–so you needn’t worry about them) it all lands on me.
Keep your strength up. I appreciate your candor because it’s helping me to say things to you I need to keep telling myself. And also because you’re a sweet person and I care about what happens to you.
Rebecca,
I’m so sorry this is all happening to you. I find when I make it a point to remind myself that they’re a narcissist, its easier for me to release the guilt, anger or irritation I may feel for them in that moment.
I agree with Isabelle. You need to find an escape. I like to take longs walks. It helps settle me. Sending hugs.
Dear Bubbles, TS, AV, AspEmp, WhoCares, Diane K, JOA, and anyone I’ve missed,
Thank you for your words of comfort, strength, encouragement and wisdom. They mean a lot to me and I’m so grateful to be here, with all of you. Xx
I hope I’m not being annoying, but I am geniunely trying to get out. I’m making plans now. I hope this one doesnt fail. Xx I’m not giving up, I can’t give up. Xx
Hi Isabelle,
Don’t worry, feel free to comment on my post, I welcome your comments. Xx Thank you for your advice and encouragement. Xx
Rebecca, I have faith in you, keep your plan rolling and you can do it! 💕
Hi Allison,
Thank you for your kind words of understanding and support. Xx It is a difficult postion I find myself, HG has even called it difficult. The truth of the matter is I’m facing a lot issues that I have to tackle the emotions that come with it.
1) I’ve been working since I was 14 and I’ve been married to MLSN for close to 20 years now. I worked hard for what I have, including the house and belongings. It’s difficult for me to realize all my hard work, could be for nothing. I may lose everything in the divorce.
2) I dont have a lot of money for an expensive lawyer, so I’ll most likeky not fair well in court…I don’t know, it worries me, scares me and wakes me up at night.
3) After the divorce, I worry about where I’m going to live, the price of rent is crazy and this is a real concern for most people. A person has to have a place to live, with how much money I’ll have left is anyone’s guess.
4) The only good thing is I won’t lose my job, work already guaranteed me of that, so positive here, yay! Xx
5) Finding a roomie, one that is responsible, not an addict and a freeloader…slim pickings…I fear.
6) Facing MLSN in court
7) The first step, I could lose all meaning to my life, the fear of what’s the point to life now…what will I work for? Rent, on property I don’t own? After working fof so many years to own a home, just to have nothing.
8) I’ve lived with abuse my whole life, was born to a narc mother, sister to a psychopath brother and a Dad, who was overseas and at work in the Navy, when I was a kid…abuse is normal for me…dealt with it my whole life…I want better for me, I do…I understand when people say that, but will I escape and be left for nothing? Nothing to show for years of working and doing, for nothing. It’s just a mountain to climb and I feel like I’ve been climbing these mountains my whole life. I’m just so sick of being made to feel like shit, but will I feel any better, when I lose everything? Why am I thinking everything , including me, is just screwed up and is doomed?
This is just so damn overwhelming and part of me just wants to give up and just keep dealing with shit. F%&# this is a monster. Xx
Dear Bubbles and AspEmp,
Am I losing it, or did I reply to your comment, Bubbles, about your son before, perhaps on another post?? Xx I remember replying to your son smearing you and getting married soon. Xx I hope you keep your loved ones near you and keep your strength up, keep fighting! I know you’ll make it through this and you have all of us here for you too! Xx
Hi dear Rebecca: we both married middle lessers. They create crisis. I have had in the past had the “suicide threat.” I can’t say it doesn’t trouble me as he does put himself in dire straits by making bad choices and looking to everyone to take care of him. He even finds people he cites to make a decision so he isn’t exactly making it himself. Sound familiar? I am an empath but I draw the line at suicide threats from adults. It’s the worst sort of manipulation and nothing you can do. I liken it to someone about to jump in front of a bus, if you try to save them, you go down too. I imagine those trained in suicide prevention might differ from me. My response is always I love you and if you need help then I can give you the suicide hotline but I will NOT be manipulated by this threat. And I mean it. It’s wrong. End of. My ex husband threatened to kill me. I ran around worried “ does he mean it?” Do people who kill tell their victims or not? In the end, I stopped thinking about what he would do and just lived my life. You cannot control another’s actions, you can only control your own life. I am glad you are consulting with HG! Hugs! X
Dear Rebecca,
We all tend to ‘lose it’ when we have a narc in our life hehe The way to ‘find it’ again, is to disassociate from the narc.
Thank you for your soothing words Rebecca, to have reassurance from all you lovelies is most calming. I hope you can keep fighting as well, it’s really worth it in the end.
You have a very determined spirit to forge ahead and that’s highly commendable. I’m sure you will succeed, as you are in the right place have all the support you need. You are not alone Rebecca, my thoughts and very best to you as well ☺️ xx
Hi Bubbles,
I’m really sorry to read that you are in this position. As upsetting as it is, try to remember that your son is having poison poured in his ear on a regular basis and as such is no longer thinking clearly. He’s still in there, but unreachable for now.
In some ways watching him change, watching his empathy erode I think would be more painful, particularly if you can’t prevent it. Maybe you let your son know that your door will always be open no matter what, then consciously try to take a step back. Easier said than done when it’s your child, achingly tough, but watching a demise can’t alter its path. I think it would just become ever more painful. It might be a rare case of ‘better not to know.’ You’ll still be there, ready when your son is ready, which one day I think he will be, but for your own health and sanity, it might be time to consider stepping away, just for now.
I hope my comment isn’t too intrusive and you find the support you need to move through this really difficult time with your son. I know there are lots of empaths here who have you in their thoughts and are ready and willing to listen should you need to vent! I think Asp Amp’s comment about a grieving process is exactly right, allow yourself time to move through that process.
Big hugs to you Bubbles.
Xx
Dearest Truth,
I don’t find any comments here at all intrusive. It’s all sharing with similar circumstances, experiences and welcomed wisdom and ideas. Sharing is caring.
Our door has always been open, however, I do like your suggestion of stepping away for now and am taking your advice, so thank you lovely. Yes, he’s very unreachable and doesn’t respond well to listening…..from our perspective that is. I know the narc is totally in his head. It’s so sad, our other kids can see it too! All the people we know who knows the narc have said they don’t like him, funny about that.
I am still grieving and processing the hurt my son has caused by smearing me, however, it’s easing bit by bit each passing day with me keeping a positive mindset. It’s just so cruel and uncalled for.
What is so calming and reassuring is the cherished support from all the lovelies here who have weathered many storms.
A very big heartfelt thank you Truth, your reassuring words means more than you know.
Togetherness makes us wiser, stronger and more resilient.
Sending bigger hugs 🤗
💕 xx
Thinking of you Bubbles.
Will you be attending the wedding?
Dear NarcAngel,
Thank you so much lovely, good question hehe
Mr Bubbles RSVP’d with a very polite phone conversation to our son on behalf of the whole family that we are ‘unable to attend’ due to work commitments (it’s on a Monday) and a specialist’s appointment which was already booked for Mr Bubbles well in advance. Mr Bubble’s has had a number of health issues over the last two years and to change the apt would be disastrous as they are all so heavily booked up.
We did not want to put it in writing (to be held against us) and we certainly did not want to send the wrong message that we approve of the wedding and that they had our blessing, by attending.
We gave it careful consideration and for any future aftermaths that may be thrown in our face.
We have not changed our stance toward the narc for the last 6 years, hence, we felt ‘the wedding’ was no reason to change.
Mr Tudor has always advocated ‘no contact’ and not to be sucked in with hoovers.
We have not heard from our son since, nor, I feel, are we likely to for some time yet, maybe never. I know our son is devastated and hurting, however, it’s doesn’t even come close to what the narc did to our family. Our family continues to stand firm.
“Our family continues to stand firm.”
Go, Bubbles!!
Bubbles, I feel your pain. It tears like an arrow.
Usually, daughters hold their mothers accountable… As you can see, not only that.
It’s so good, that you have the support of Mr. Bubbles!
A very good decision not to attend the wedding. I’m jealous (a similar theater awaits me – I’m going to devote a symbolic half hour to it).
Yes, one Narcissist can destroy an entire, closely-knit family. Sometimes it takes a year, sometimes 5 years, sometimes 20 years. A persistent will always find the right moment to dissolve the poison.
I often tell my mother, that I don’t feel like talking to her, when he (her partner) speaks through her mouth.
I always know, how he turned the ball and what the goal was. There is no point in continuing.
They are like parasites filling the inside. The alien inside us.
Bubbles
Good to hear that your family continues to stand firm. Opposition from one person can be more easily explained away than an entire group over an extended period of time. If your family is the problem as per the narc (I know you are not), then logically your son’s life should become blissful and problem free without his family’s interaction. The narc may take steps to ensure this to be the case temporarily to enforce this notion, but we all know they are creatures of habit and slaves to the fuel, and negative being more potent, the narcissism will guarantee that the manipulations and misery return. It is then that your son will hopefully begin to question his reality. Further, to question why someone who supposedly loves him would expect him to sacrifice the love of his own family in order to have it. You have made it known that you are (presently) closed to interaction with them as a couple, but open to HIM as much loved family member. It will be his call.
Dear Joa,
It soothes me very much that you concur with us for not attending the wedding. Whilst there may be many who may not agree with us and would attend, we just feel it undermines everything we’ve tried to adhere to over the years and it would be extremely hypocritical if we rocked up.
Of course I would love to see my son tie the knot, however, this union has, is and will always be toxic.
And yes, I too, can strongly hear the narc’s influence coming out of our son’s mouth. The narc has used our son as his ‘gravy train’ right from the beginning, so I guess, when the narc’s on a good thing you stick to it .
May I enquire as to the predicament that awaits you? I hope the lovelies here can be of assistance if need be. My thoughts are with you, as I know how hard it is.
Thank you for your concern Joa, most appreciated and I take it all on board. 💕
Bubbles, my mom is getting married in a month.
I don’t have the courage to do like you. I refused:
– witnessing this event
– participation in the wedding dinner.
However, I will appear at the Civil Registry Office as a guest – quite briefly, as long as my nerves allow me to keep calm.
I have a habit of quickly evacuating from celebrations and family gatherings, when I feel my anger rising. Literally a minute and I’m gone. My family is used to this. It won’t be surprising.
This allows me to return to the house in a good mood.
Dearest NarcAngel,
Thank you lovely. I really respect your opinion as you are in a somewhat similar involvement with a narc. How is all that going with your sister ? I often think about you.
Our son has always been close to his family. His struggles between the narc and us have been so challenging to the point he had to seek help from a therapist for the last 6 years. With this latest episode, he had a massive meltdown. He’s obviously going thru the ‘grieving’ process. He’s always maintained he needs and wants to remain close to his family and was prepared to see us on his own for the last few years.
If he decides to withdraw from us, he will definitely suffer. I know my son! It will eat at him like a slow growing cancer. His hair has already thinned from stress.
Look how screwed up I was and still am with my mum and I’m stronger than my son. There’s no escaping it unfortunately.
Our door will always remain open, if and when he is ready, however that will never include the narc.
My deep heart warm thanks NarcAngel 💕
Dear Joa,
Ohh my goodness, I truly feel your dilemma. At least you have a predicated pattern and are at least attending the rituals. I wish you all the best and hopefully tensions and emotions remain intact on the day. Fingers crossed.
Thank you for sharing Joa.
💕
Dear Bubbles I’m sorry for all the pain and suffering you are going through. You’ve dealt with alot over the years, I understand why this will be the hardest. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweet Bubbles. ❤️❤️
Dearest Fool Me,
Awww thank you sweet one, that’s so kind of you. We’ve dearly missed you and your regular chit chats.
To not attend one’s immediate family’s wedding is truly heartbreaking. Unfortunately, the cons outweigh the pros. It’s our son’s choice of partner and we don’t have to like him, however, with every choice in life, we must deal with the consequences. Had the narc not disrespected us by his abhorrent behaviour and shown his true colours of how he felt about us, we would be bending over backwards to help them both. Biting the hand that feeds you is a big mistake!
My priority is with Mr Bubbles and his health, being his carer and of course there’s mum, life is never dull
Thank you again dear lovely, I really appreciate your heartfelt thoughts 🥰💕
Hi Bubbles,
The smear must feel horribly cruel and wholly uncalled for. I really feel for you there Bubbles.
Hold on to the fact that smearing is a narc trick not an empath trick. In many ways the smear is proof that your son is ‘not at home right now’ and is justification (to yourself, not to anyone else) for you prioritising the well-being of Mr Bubbles and yourself until he is.
Thank you for your lovely message and for the hug. 😘
Keep strong. Xx
Dearest Truth,
Horribly cruel is an understatement Truth and keeping strong is the hard part. I’ve heard the situation has escalated to immense hate and revenge on us.
The narc wants a ‘payback’ to our whole family because our son had a mental breakdown over our decision . We are now the evil villains to all and sundry. The vitriol from people’s perception of knowing we’re not going, is insane. The narc has made our son feel like we don’t love him or even care about him, he also wants our son to excommunicate from us entirely and consider us deceased from their lives ie not speaking or seeing us, nor answering msgs or texts…..that’ll show em a thing or three !
Then of course, there’s the thought police and self injected struggle that gets into our brain with all the questioning and guilt that comes into play, did we do the right thing, should we have forgiven the narc, are we bad parents, how could you do that to your son and so forth?
Dealing with a narc in your life (even indirectly), it just never ends. 🥹
I’ve already reached out to our son to see if he was ok and to update him on Mr Bubble’s health ……no reply.
I really appreciate your advice and support Truth, thank you lovely 💕xx
Bubbles you don’t deserve all this.
I think I would have to break the situation into separate parts.
Firstly, the Smear is in full swing. The narcissist will play victim and will utilise your son to maximum effect in support of this. There will be exaggeration, exaggeration about what was said, exaggeration about the impact on your son. At this point defending yourself, trying to explain your reasoning and your position won’t counteract the force of the smear. The best defence here is silence.
Secondly, ‘the all and sundry’. People love a nice bit of drama, love a good gossip. Far tougher to gossip when there is only the ‘he said’ part and the ‘she said’ is missing. It will only continue to roll on if you defend your actions. Here again, staying silent will shorten the life span of the smear. If it doesn’t shorten it, the narc will begin to look like the nasty piece of work he is and people will start to get very bored of hearing about it.
If people believe the smear so readily, if they fail to place it in context of the people they know you and Mr Bubbles to be, then their opinion of you is not worth listening to.
Some of the ‘all and sundry’ will just believe the loudest voice, but over time, some will also think the situation is strange. They will start to consider the why of things, “I know Bubbles, I know the family, there must have been a very valid reason why they didn’t attend.” Sometimes that dawns on people later, rather than immediately. Either way, staying silent at this point when emotions are running high, is safer and makes any explanation you decide to give in future, far more powerful.
Thirdly, the thing you are most worried about, most upset about, the concern you did the wrong thing and the concern your son believes you don’t love him. Here you need to have faith I think. All the love and support you have given your son up until this point does count. Underneath it all he does know that he is loved. Have faith in everything you have done as a parent, and have faith in the person you know your son to be. What is coming out of his mouth right now is all the narcissist whether your son realises it or not. Defending your position at this point in time won’t change anything. The danger is you might even make things worse by trying. He has to come to you. That will take time, and in the meantime hearing about it, responding to it, worrying about it will only drag you under. Remove yourself as best you can through ‘raising your shield’, it really is better not to know at this point I think Bubbles.
You are not a bad parent. You have dealt with the narcissist as best you could up until this point. Your son made his choice, you can’t sacrifice your own health or that of Mr Bubbles as a result of his choice. You did a very difficult thing, but you did the right thing so again you can silence those inner voices.
You and Mr Bubbles need to ‘Go to the Mattresses!’ (The Godfather)
There will be a time to fight back, there will be a window that opens where you do have the opportunity to help your son put himself back together, you need to stay well in order to be ready to do that. That isn’t a selfish priority, it’s a logical move.
You’re in my thoughts Bubbles.
Xx
Dearest Truth,
Thank you Truth, we don’t think we deserve it either, yet here we have a dilemma we find ourselves in.
Mr Bubbles and I were extremely impressed with your very structured sound wisdom and strategy plan.
Encouragement and a backup support network truly helps to clarify and confirm one’s decisions and choices, so we wholeheartedly thank you.
You’re so right in staying silent. We have been unwavering for the last 6 years, to change all of a sudden, would show weakness and open the door for all different interpretations.
‘Exaggeration’ is definitely being played at its finest on their part.
I’m so relieved you said we ‘did the right thing’ Truth, deep down, I know we have.
It’s always the way, we can step outside the box and see other’s dilemmas and solutions and yet we struggle with our own because it so close to home and riddled with emotion. Taking emotion out of the equation is a very hard struggle for empaths as we have an overloaded abundance of it.
I’m so glad I’ve raised this because I’m sure others here may deal or be dealing with something similar.
I happen to have two ‘you beaut’ mattresses for our back up plan if need be, so thank you for that phrase (I had to look it up haha).
Your help is deeply appreciated, our lips are now sealed 🤐
So thank you again lovely Truth 💕xx
Hello Bubbles,
I’m glad my thoughts on it were of some help to you both. You’re absolutely right, looking at a situation when not directly involved in it is always easier than when you’re in the middle of it and heavily invested emotionally. I’m far more vague when it comes to my own stuff!
I think what you have shared here will be extremely helpful to current and future readers of the blog. Not an easy thing to do and I very much admire your openness.
Haha! I thought you might need to Google about the mattresses! Happy to hear yours are there ready.
Big hugs to you Bubbles and, a firm handshake and warm smile for Mr Bubbles. ☺️
Xx
Dearest Truth,
Thank you gorgeous for your kind warm words.
Mr Bubbles said “ thank you “ as well ☺️
Still keeping sealed lips 🤐 haha
You’re always a treasure Truth 💕
Dearest Truth,
I have been re reading again and again your comment of the 17th.
It is so true. Less is more.
The less you say the more it impacts them.
Your dissection was greatly informative and concise as with all your wonderful knowledge, so thank you lovely
I have touched base with my son on a regular basis just to stay “ hello, how are you?” only to get “yeah, all good” and that’s it! The distance is growing at rate of knots. To be expected I guess.
I feel like I’m heading in the direction of my mum. Heaven forbid!
I really wish I was a person that just didn’t care, it would make my life so much easier. Haha
Dearest Truth and lovelies,
The latest now, are stories/reels on Fb of our son with pics of “friends” who are now being referred to as “Family ❤️”
He’s never done that before.
So childish 🤦♀️
What next ?
Hi Bubbles x
Awww, I’m glad that comment offered a little reassurance. I thought about your situation a lot, turned it around and no matter which angle I went from, I ended up at the same conclusion. I still do. Staying silent is the best option.
If you are anything like me, you’ll consider the situation, turn things around and around in your mind, then arrive at a decision. The problem then though, is because this is so personal, so upsetting you keep reviewing the decision, doubting yourself. You re-decide over and over, caught in a loop. I honestly think that empaths do this more than any other group.
Assuming that it’s informed, the original decision is the correct one. At least in my experience it always has been.
It really hurts. I know it does and it will keep hurting the more you doubt yourself and replay. Try to let it go. Just for now. You decided, so it’s ok not to keep re-deciding. The next few months are going to be tough on you both, really tough. Accept that will be the case. There will be some really low days, this doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means this narcissist has caused you all an indescribable amount of pain.
His day will come and the most likely outcome is that the narcissist will destroy himself by his own hand. Give him time and plenty of room to do it!
Big hugs Bubbles.
Xx
Bubbles,
This is very similar to a disengagement. The narc will post all sorts on FB because he knows you are looking and he gets thought fuel from imagining your reaction. Doesn’t matter whose Facebook page those pictures and comments are on, the source is the narc.
Checking Facebook is only going to hurt you more. I understand why you’re doing it. You still want to see your son, check he’s ok. You still wish this was a genuine relationship where you could have been happy for them and involved in it all. It isn’t though. Nothing about this is normal or happy. Treating this situation like a disengagement, at least in the short term will harm you far less.
When we are disengaged from romantically, checking Facebook and social media is a breach of No Contact. It’s a breach because it doesn’t solve anything, it hurts us and it keeps ET high. With high ET you’ll keep watching, keep getting more upset and frustrated with a situation that is already heartbreaking enough.
Stay off Facebook Bubbles! I know it’s hard. Let the narc wheel out his coterie members and take all the happy clappy photos he wants. It’s just more narc bullshit anyway, you don’t need to see it.
Hey, maybe he’ll do a Markle style comment.
“Family is universal ❤️” I really wouldn’t put it past him!
Xx
Dearest Truth,
Wow, you explained your thought process to perfection. You’re feeling me exactly.
I / we are staying extremely quiet and I’m absorbing lots of positive energy and affirmations to stay on top of things.
Each day has its challenges and I’m sure it’s only going to get worse as you mentioned.
Your insights are very much on point, you explain and detail situations to a tee. Thank you lovely Truth for all your warmth and support. I appreciate it immensely 💕
Hello dear Bubbles and hugs as your son continues to hurl pain your way. He knows you. He knows what he is doing….No contact would mean not looking at the FB page BUT I totally get why you would want to see photos of your son’s wedding. If it helps, it looks bad on him to many others not having the parents there or family there. So in part he might also be blame shifting by calling friends “ family.” Again your effervescent goodness and empathy bubbles to the top and overflows so it must be worse for him as anyone who met you independently would know, he is the problem. So sword up dear empath, chin held high. Take the high road, it has the best view! X
Hey Bubbles,
Thank you for your sweet comment. I think reminding ourselves of why we take the various steps involved in No Contact can sometimes help to break through the clouds.
I have realised of late that these same steps can be applied to non narc situations too and they do help.
I am exam phobic. My daughter starts hers in three weeks. There is a scene that plays in my mind over and over. I’m driving her to school for her first exam. I imagine the drive, the usual route we take every day. I imagine her getting out of the car and me watching her walk in before I drive away and leave her there. As mad as it sounds, as illogical as it most definitely is, it feels no different to me than dropping her off and watching her walk into a burning building. That’s fear for you, right there. Give me a spider, a snake or a gator to deal with and I’m all good, say the word “exam” and it’s all over for me!
The thing is, playing that scene over and over weeks out, doesn’t do anything to help. It only makes me feel worse and dread that morning all the more. So now when that thought arrives, I push it out, or try to. Same as I used to push the thoughts of the narc out. There is no solution to the problem. In three weeks I’ll do the drive, drop her off and leave her, but until that day, thinking about it won’t help, it will only make me feel more upset and more anxious.
The things we learn here can help in lots of situations. No contact is well thought out and there for a reason. It serves us best. So on a bad day, remind yourself of what you know, follow the steps and continue to stand firm because I’m certain that doing that will serve you both best.
Very well done to you and Mr Bubbles for remaining silent in the face of such provocation. Not easy to do at all, but the most effective thing to do. 😉
Hugs,
Xx
Dearest Truth,
Interesting, that that’s one of your triggers. I wonder what others are? I certainly don’t envy you Truth, it’s really hard on our kind. Our quest for answers, truth and why, are our downfalls. Our overthinking brain doesn’t switch off and that’s the hard part, exerting that discipline we need and to implement it ironically comes so easy to narcs. They just don’t care and we end up caring for the whole world.
This whole smear campaign against us, has advanced and escalated to incredible new levels. It’s beyond words.
I’m completely devastated, it’s almost impossible to switch off at this juncture. It appears our son is “done” with all of us. I’m not handling this well at all 🥹
“Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their toxic behaviour, but never discuss the disrespect that triggered you. “
Thank you so very kindly dear Truth, it means heaps right now
Hello Bubbles x
It’s interesting that your son expressed himself in that way, “done”.
Honestly, it sounds to me like he is at his limit. I think the push and pull and missives from the narc that he is thus far going along with are taking their toll.
“Done” “ Ok we’re done here.” “That’s it, I’m done.” I’ve used those phrases very occasionally, and when I do, it’s kind of a giving up. A temporary giving up sometimes, but at the point I say it, it means ‘limit reached’ and I’m walking away.
In context of your son, it sounds to me like self preservation more than anything else. Your son has been forced by the narc to pick a side. Like NA said above, once he has rejected his big bad family then surely everything should go well then? It should be relationship heaven, plain sailing from here on in. Once it isn’t, once normality post wedding sets in and devaluation resumes, (likely harsher as the narc believes he has full control of your son) the ramifications of your son’s choice might well become clearer to him and sooner than you might think.
I have a friend who escaped ensnarement. He didn’t actually move in with the narc. They stayed with each other at hers or at his, but they didn’t actually move in together full time. He firmly believes that if they had moved in together, the devaluation would have been harsher, yes his ET would have been higher but his empathy would have eroded faster, his breaking point would have been reached sooner and as such he would have escaped earlier. As it was, he was devalued but he had days to recharge away from her before being plunged back in. Essentially, he was able to keep going for longer.
In your son’s case, not having your support or the support of his family (his choice) might prompt him to wake up faster than he would otherwise do if he had access to your emotional support. He’ll find himself alone in it and it might prompt him to choose himself over the narc. In part it will depend on his empathic constitution as to how soon that might happen.
All to say, as truly awful as this situation is for you and Mr Bubbles, it’s a situation you have no control over. Whilst you would never choose to be alienated from your son in this way, strangely, it might actually shorten your son’s ensnarement a little like the situation my friend described.
This situation is now totally beyond your control. You are forced to let the chips fall, but, in many ways that might be exactly what needs to happen for your son to escape or for the narc to disengage.
Not being able to help him might turn out to be the best way to help him, for now at least.
I feel for you Bubbles, I really do. 😘
Xx
Dearest Truth,
Thank you for your wonderful analysis Truth, you explain things in such a simplified manner that makes so much sense and you highlight things I haven’t even considered yet.
No amount of time here or valuable knowledge, prepares you for when a crisis involving a narc directly hits home. All reason and logic becomes a blur and set to one side when emotion overrides.
I agree with you, our son is looking after his own self preservation and the narc has pushed the issue that ‘his side’ is more our son’s ‘family’ rather than us. The narc deliberately blocked us on Facebook and our son naturally took the blame. The narc also has a ‘temper’ and I’m concerned for their pets, especially the dog, (very strong gut feeling, let’s say). I believe there are more startling revelations to come to shock and stick it up us.
It doesn’t matter what we say or text, everything gets misconstrued the wrong way and negative interpretations are placed on it. We’re damned either way. All the help and support our family gave both of them in their time of need has been wiped off, forgotten and replaced with victimhood mentality…..along with revenge and payback now.
Advice and guidance from all your comments helps me to refocus momentarily on the behaviour more and emotion less, even though it’s extremely difficult right now.
I know what it’s like not to have your immediate family in your life. It’s like an insidious growth that slowly invades your mental health over a long period of time and is amplified more on every special occasion and fond memories. You try to push it back and not over reflect, but it still exists and the older you get the sadder it becomes because of precious time and relationships lost.
Our son tried to go ‘without us’ and came back after intense therapy, now that the narc has ‘noosed’ him, we shall see and time will tell. As you correctly mentioned Truth, we have no control over his decisions, we must continue without him and he needs to find his own path. Our door has always remained open to him.
Thank you again Truth, I really appreciate your time, effort, thoughtful caring and helpful responses. Xx
Dear Contagious,
I love your get up n go attitude, thank you.
It’s all been so exhausting. We really don’t deserve this at our age.
No wonder we hibernate from people as we get older, it all just gets too hard. Right now, I just have no zest in me.
Thank you lovely, your reply really touched me. Xx
Hi Bubbles,
Yes, every text will be misconstrued and twisted by the narc so you really are damned either way. It’s another reason not to do it, the narc will turn each text into further ammunition. The classic ‘shooting yourself in the foot.’
Your son clearly suffers without the support of his family. That’s a very tough thing for you to have witnessed given the current situation. Your door IS open though and will remain so. Perhaps that is the only message you need send your son. “Our door will always remain open.” No defending, no questioning just that one message every so often. That way he knows and when things do get tough for him, he doesn’t feel there is nowhere to go because there is somewhere and he knows it, home.
Everyone has a limit. If your son goes too far then you are well within your rights to close that door. I don’t think you will. I think you would fall on your sword first. I’m the same. I would always choose myself over a romantic partner but I would fall on my sword for my kids. Not sure if that’s healthy but it is definitely the way I’m made.
So the door stays open, but in order for your son to one day walk through it, I firmly believe HG’s protocol is the best chance you have of making that happen. It won’t FEEL right, but I firmly believe that it IS right.
I totally agree, holding to the logic in this situation must be ridiculously difficult. As a mother it must be tearing you in half.
The way to beat a narc is to set a bigger better narc on him. That’s what you are doing by being here, sensibly seeking the support you need and implementing the plan of the bigger better narc!
Try to stay well Bubbles and keep Mr Bubbles well too, that’s important. Focus there as much as you can because that you can achieve, the rest sadly will be down to time.
Keeping you and Mr Bubbles in my thoughts.
Xx
Dear Who Cares,
Thank you for your encouragement lovely, it really helps !
💕
Dear Bubbles,
I’m relieved you decided not to attend the wedding, it maybe easier not to be there and being so upset ans hurt….you’re doing the right thing for both you and Mr Bubbles. Xx
I’m sorry your son is causing you so much pain and heartache. The hardest thing, but the best thing for you is to step back and try to distract yourself with doing other things. I know it’s hard, but try to enjoy what makes you happy right now. Take care of you and enjoy time with Mr Bubbles, try to put your son and the pain he’s causing in the backseat of your mind…and enjoy life anyway. Xx I hope I helped you and thank you for your light. Xx
Dearest Rebecca,
My apologies for my delayed response, I’ve only just now seen your reply.
Thank you so much for your support, encouragement and kind words lovely.
I’m so saddened and truly feel for your situation Rebecca, I know what bankruptcy feels like and working to try and make ends meet. Not having money to feed mouths, living day to day not knowing what tomorrow will bring, it’s as scary as hell. Much of my life was escaping and fleeing one situation after the other. There have been many many challenges to overcome as well and somehow I’m still here…….I survived.
We also have a rental crisis here in Australia, the rents have escalated to almost a weeks salary, absolutely insane.
There are women’s shelters here for those in need, yet we have mothers and their children living in cars, so disgusting and appalling to say the least.
My mother’s mantra has always been “ there’s always a way out”. I believe with every problem, it only makes us stronger.
My heartfelt thoughts are with you Rebecca in finding the best resolutions and hoping family and friends come to your aid. Keep looking after yourself lovely. We are all here for you too.
💕
Dearest Rebecca,
Hi lovely, it’s seriously a day by day thingy.
The wedding has not happened as yet, however, it’s drawing very near.
The ‘reaction’ from those n sundry is escalating enormously. We are now being as described as “efn c…ts” from people we have never met because we are not attending. Our deathly silence is causing great concern to all, apparently. They are making up fantasy stories which are so untrue, it’s unbelievable.
Our son has even posted on social media some very subtle underlying hurtful words that exclude his family and praise the narc.
Smearing, is a whole new ball game for our family, I don’t not wish this upon anyone. It’s so cruel and fuelled with nothing but lies.
I guarantee it will continue and get even worse after the wedding.
Thank you so much for your support Rebecca 💕xx
Bubbles
Just a reminder:
You know that it makes no sense to care what fantasies, lies, and concerns a bunch of c—nts who have never met you are stupid enough to believe, fabricate, and/or repeat.
Stupid c—nts are not people you want to foster relationships with so their views of your family should remain as irrelevant to you as they are.
What would (and likely did) you advise your children while young in school and experiencing this type of treatment by bullies?
Yes. That.
These people are those same bullies turned adult stupid c—nts and moved to a different playground.
Dearest Bubbles,
I’m so sorry your son contunues to hurt you and now more people have joined in the mud slinging…it’s so cruel and painful….You’re such a sweet person, how can your son be such a jerk to you? He’ll regret treating you this way! There will come a time, when he gets smeared, most likely by the exact same people and then he’ll look to you for comfort and a safe haven. You don’t have to give it to him, up to you, who you give your empathy to….I learned that recently with my husband’s family and husband. Your son, by the way he has been treating you, doesn’t deserve your empathy, kindness, warmth , or your love. He’s going to regret it, big time!
In the meantime, be kinder to yourself, enjoy nature, (watch out for funnel spiders! 🥰😄xx) and enjoy your friends, your husband, enjoy some healing alone time…be good to you, is my best healing advise. A lot of people here love you, and I’m sure in your life off here too. Xx One day at a time and you’ll get through it. Xx 💞
NA,
Fair points. Well made. Haha!
(Somebody pick Mr Bubbles up and put him back on his chair please! )
Dearest NarcAngel,
You are quite ‘right’, once again( haha) and reminders are great! You’re so good with your wise analysis, it’s always a pleasure to read your valid common sense logic and clever witty humour.
We took our kids to terrific friendly playgrounds, sadly our son got caught up in a merry-go-round with some undesirables and can’t get off.
I’m just unfolding the drama as it goes along and showing what lengths they all go to when one is on the receiving end of being smeared.
Hopefully, it may help others who are going thru a similar debacle.
Thank you lovely NarcAngel, your wisdom and guidance is always appreciated and welcomed 🦉
💕
Dearest Rebecca,
Your reply was so heartwarming, kind and sincere, thank you lovely Rebecca.
Being reminded to take time for one’s self and be kinder is fantastic advice, so again, thank you. Quite often we become engulfed with our situation and the emotions always take over and sometimes we lose sight of reason and logic. Being brought back down to earth brings us back into perspective, particularly being presented with new narc challenges with haven’t experienced before, as is with this case.
With the amazing support here, I will continue to grow and flourish.
Sending you hugs Rebecca, I also wish you triumph in your quest, you take care as well sweet one
💕xx
Dearest Truth,
Hahah
I’ve tried to get Mr Bubbles off the floor and onto a chair, it’s so bad now ……I need help with him. We gonna need a bigger chair haha 😝
Bubbles,
Bigger chair or….
Small winch? 😜😂
Xx
Dearest Truth
Chairs and winches, thanks for the laugh. 🤭
Dear Bubbles,
How are you doing? I hope you’re taking care of yourself, distracting yourself from your worries and enjoying nature with Mr. Bubbles. Xx
Dear Rebecca,
Thank you for asking lovely, very slowly.
I have lost my appetite a bit, it’s been a struggle but we’re trying.
Hugs for caring sweet one xx
Dearest Bubbles,
No worries, thanks for replying to my comment.
I hope you’re feeling better, hopefully the wedding is behind you? Xx
Rent here is just ridiculous, expect to pqy $1500 a month for the average 2 bedroom apartment and I don’t live in a big city.
How do families live in cars there? I can’t imagine how hot they are there! Here, you either freeze in the winter or boil alive in a car, can’t imagine where you live being more livable. Here some people leave their dogs in the car, for a quick shopping trip and their dog usually didn’t make it. Harsh truth and unfortunate one. Xx
Thanks for your words of encouragement and support xx
I hope things are getting better for you and Mr. Bubbles. Take care of each other, you have your best supporter next to you. Xx
TS, your message to Bubbles is but one example of the thoughtfulness you always show. 😉
I agree with you about “better not to know” in this case, when knowing does not help the helplessness.
Isabelle,
Hello my friend. X
Thank you for your kind words, it’s good to see you.
Xx
Hello beautiful bubbles: sorry your son is causing hurt. We all know you were a wonderful mother who doesn’t deserve it. Jerry Garcia once said when you point a finger, 3 are pointing back at you. Whatever he said, it’s says it all about him and not you. Happy people make others happy! Hang in there! I hope it’s just a hiccup and not an imbedded trait. Hugs!
Dear Contagious,
Thank you so much gorgeous for your encouraging words, it’s greatly appreciated and your support is so heartwarming.
I remember our ‘dear ol friend’s’ brother (bully narc) smeared me, which surprised me at the time, however, it didn’t affect me as much as my son’s has.
This cut is excruciatingly deep, it will mend and look fine on the surface but this wound will never truly heal. I’m afraid our relationship, at this point in time, has changed direction and will never be the same again. The bond and trust we had, has been destroyed. I can never look at him the same, ever again.
We’re seriously too old for all this
Hugs right back lovely ☺️ xx
I know what it’s like to be raised by a Narcissist.
I know what it is like to be in a relationship with a Narcissist.
I think the most painful option, that is possible, is when your child is a Narcissist or becomes involved in a relationship with a Narcissist.
From my point of view, I can handle anything. However, bearing the fact that your child is being harmed, that your child is wasting his life on a freeloader and may have to face the consequences until the end – is the hardest thing.
A child is the most sensitive point of a human.
I feel so sorry for you, Bubbles.
Dearest Joa,
Thank you so much, I totally concur.
Our son has adopted a lot of narcissistic traits from the narc. He was the most caring, loving, giving, family oriented son. He saved his money, paid his bills promptly, he took great pride and paid attention to detail in all aspects of his life and maintained his car like brand new. His bedroom was spotless and always meticulous and immaculate in his dress. He had a fabulous network or friends. He drank socially and never smoked or took drugs. He was winning competitions in his career and was popular in his own right………then along came the spider.
He now smokes and drinks everyday with the narc, is heavily in debt which consequently has affected his credit rating enormously, works full time and the only one who cleans the house, cooks the meals and does the laundry and shopping. The narc doesn’t drive so our son is his chauffeur. How a narc can sit all day and do absolutely nothing but get wasted and as high as a kite, is beyond me. He is messy, hoards and is into childish toys and paraphernalia He is currently holding down a part time job, so I’ll give him that, but for how long is the question…he’s had that many jobs).
Our son did question us, a while ago, if we would go to his wedding if he ever got married and we all said no at the time. It’s no surprise really, however, to place us in an awkward situation by giving us all invites, results in us being the villains and them being the victims (again ), hence gaining sympathy from everyone.
The evil plotting and scheming prompted by the narc against us, continues.
Dear Bubbles:
Eleanor Roosevelt once said “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. That sounds so easy, right? It’s hard. Narcs are wounded by criticism, exposure of their behaviors , etc…too. Not immune. Thus, It follows all people are affected by others who “ try to make us to feel inferior” or smear us. It’s easier to let it roll down your back when that person doesn’t matter. But a child? No matter what they do, we love them as empaths. And I can only imagine that there exists a sense of responsibility for their bad behavior. I recall wondering what I did wrong when my son was a teen and wouldn’t do his homework ! He grew up to be a fine man. Although I don’t know you or your family, it’s obvious you are a loving person to the core so it is not your fault. Please try to remember that no one is a perfect mom but at some point the child becomes an adult and must make their own decisions in life. And sometimes the behavior is transitory and they swing back. No one knows what another is going through both physically and emotionally, all you can do is set healthy boundaries for yourself. It does nothing for you or anyone you love for you to go down in flames because of poor treatment. Life is not fair. Genetics are certainly not. Whether a narc or not and I pray “ not” you will always love your son. And you can love with boundaries and I pray you find peace. Xxx
Dear Contagious,
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”……so true.
Your amazing son has dedicated his life to his country, mine, to a bloody narc. You have every reason to be so proud. Takes a special kind to be in the military. Congratulations Contagious!
Many years ago, our son showed whose side he was on and he has no intention of budging. I love my son and that’s the very essence of why it hurts so much, however, I no longer trust him and that hurts even more.
Quote …..
“Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their toxic behaviour, but never discuss the disrespect that triggered you”.
Distancing, is protecting my self care, well being, dignity and self respect.
Thank you lovely Contagious for your most thoughtful and caring comment 💕
Dear Bubbles, I know it is not quite the same, what you say about the disrespect, I feel similar towards the sibling I once had. I do understand what it feels like. I’m sorry that you hurt so much xx
Dearest Asp Emp,
Sorry to hear you went through disrespect with your sibling. Funny, when the tables turn, they are always the ones who cry the loudest when it happens to them.
I’m used to numbing the pain and hurt Asp, I’ll get there, slowly but surely.
Thank you lovely for caring xx 💕
Thank you Bubbles. Yes, “cry the loudest” sums it up. Love to you from me xx
Dearest Bubbles.
I relate to your situation and feel your pain deep in heart.
My son, married a narcissist and we have been supportive of him regardless. We tried hard to make his narc wife accept us because they have grandchildren. She has manipulated us and uses the grandchildren as pawns to keep us under control. It has ripped my heart out.
Things are a little better since my son divorced her. I believe our son is narcissistic and has been for years.
I feel that is my fault. I feel all of it is my fault, but my husband and I have set strong boundaries and as hard as it is we have done well at keeping them.
I am so glad you are protecting yourself through distancing. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Dearest Bubbles: Hang in there my friend.
First if his ensnared by a narc. We know he won’t last. If normal, out fast. If an empath with low ET because ensnared, he will get hurt and you can take him to HG. Your education may save your baby boy ( no matter how buff, tough, and Marine he is, he is my baby boy;) ! And if a narc, and I pray NO! Then they will fall out quick. And doesn’t he know everyone is happy when mom is happy? I just feel for you and send hugs and love. Losing a child is like having a glass shard in the gut. I have a neighbor ( actually met 3- hugged all of them, they all cried ) whose son died a year ago. All I can say is you have HOPE! And I will say prayers for you ( my way of support) x
Dear Sonja,
Oh my goodness, I so feel for you. To have grandchildren by the narc ex wife is far worse. It’s horrible that they get to hold family members to ransom by using innocent children as pawns. The narc’s selfishness prevents them thinking about the effects it has and will continue to have on the kids.
Well done for your son getting out Sonja.
Your son may highly likely not be a narcissist, however, would most definitely present characteristic traits from being with his wife. Our son is showing strong narcissistic tendencies, yet, at the same time struggling internally and putting on a bravado front.
It’s not your fault and it saddens me you should think that. Narcs are wired very differently. We can guide and teach our kids life’s morals and values, however, essentially, it’s up to them once they fly the coop. Staying united and strong with your husband is so admirable and you should be so proud of yourselves.
I’m with you Sonja, this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do, however, our son has chosen the narc over his family.
Once you give in or fold, they win, they’re literally 5 year olds. Children are great manipulators, to the detriment of their parents who feel the guilt and then cave. When you continue to stay strong, they do everything in their power to weaken and damage you.
Our family will continue to stand united and endure any repercussions
Stay strong Sonja, it’s our best weapon.
Thank you so much for sharing ☺️
Dear Contagious,
The narc is literally drinking and smoking himself into a danger zone, so, how long it will last is anyone’s guess.
Our son is very co-dependent and thinks its love .
We told him years ago that his relationship was toxic. Do they ever listen ? Noooooo
It’s very cathartic replying to the comments as it puts it into perspective and confirms one’s thinking process. Eases the pain somewhat.
Thank you for your warm embracing reply, I will continue to have hope and very much appreciate your spiritual prayers, hugs and love
Hugs to you also lovely Contagious 💕🤗xx
I’m sorry–losing that trust sounds so awful. It’s really strange how narcissists not only impact those nearest them, but then also everyone those people touch. It’s strikes me it’s like a neural network, with malware in one of the nodes. Very powerful, and also insidious. I’m cheering you on, honey. Team Bubbles!
That’s right. I’m one of those ride-or-die chicks. For you.
Dear Allison,
You absolutely rock. Thanks gorgeous.
I hear the narc has made lots of noise and empty threats to cancel the wedding, instigate dramatic name changes (which would directly hit back at us), constantly changing this that and the other just to add extra work, confusion and of course add more fuel in his direction.
Imagine the wedding day 🤦♀️
I’m in a similar situation but he hasn’t started the smearing but he’s known about it and has sided against me for whatever reason but says he loves me when he sees me but he doesn’t mean it and never has. Actions speak louder than words and he they them are speaking clearly as I type.
Dear Tre,
I’m truly so sorry to hear about your situation Tre and I certainly don’t wish it upon you. You appear to have three times the trouble to come.
Action does speak louder, words hurt, but action says it all.
I really for you right now.
Warmest of hugs to you lovely xx
HG?
Would you classify labelling someone as generally “rude”, esp. also in regard to their behaviors towards others in a group and also calling them “rude” in front of a group, when they are not, but have just stated their opinion, or pointed out a mistake in a factual way, as a manipulation tactic?
And when / in which context / why / with what kind of person would you use it?
Thank you.
It is a potential manipulation, but remember, someone may regard the behaviour of somebody else as rude because of a differing perspective which is not used for the purposes of manipulation. For example, somebody speaks their mind in a forthright manner. Someone else labels that as a rude, someone else regards it as acceptable, someone else regards it as a little opinionated but not ultimately rude. Those labelling the behaviour are offering their perspective and this may well be done without any manipulation taking place.
Thank you, HG.
And when a supervisor / boss at work who uses it, who is a narc, calls a team member “rude” in front of the team, who pointed out a mistake in a factual manner? Or a teacher in high school who is a narcissist? Or narc parents?
If that person is definitely a narcissist, then they are using the label rude (whether deserved or not) for the purposes of the prime aims.